My step children’s controlling mother

[Helmlover]

My partner sees his kids twice a week, an arrangement set up 7 years ago when his kids were much younger (they are now 13 and 16).

The problem we have is that his ex allows absolutely no flexibility whatsoever which has resulted in my partner missing out on chiristmasses, birthdays etc as they previously haven’t fallen on ‘his days’, despite only living 5 minutes down the road! Whenever the kids have asked to see my partner in the past their mum have shouted at them, cried and generally made them feel guilty so therefore they have stopped asking and just sort of do as their mother tells them.

Do you think at the kids’ ages there should still be ‘mums days’ and ‘dads days’, and if so, at what ages do kids generally start making their own decisions on when to see their parents? Please assure me this strict, inflexible routine can’t last forever?!

Personally, I prefer inflexibility. We all know where we stand. No one gets to mess about. Far easier than swapping and changing and who’s turn is it?

How do you know what their mum says? Are you sure you are not being told what it is they think they want you to hear?

They are both old enough to make their own decisions but where there is conflict, it is worth remembering that they can choose to take a side and it won’t necessarily be yours. Inflexibility in contact perhaps makes that less likely - I know my children wouldn’t see their dad if the pattern hadn’t been ground into them.

This should have been sorted in court years ago. Your DP would have been awarded a better set up than this. Yes, it's really important to have a consistent schedule but arrangements could have been made for exceptions to this.

The children are of an age now where they can have a say but it's more complicated than that. If their mum is being difficult they may not want to go against her and that could go on and on well into adulthood!

Another fan of inflexibility. It’s stable, it’s no conflict, it’s clear for the kids.

However, it should have included alternate Christmas, birthdays and split holidays. Why didn’t it?

I wouldn’t let kids do what they want re contact. They are too heavily influenced, or they can use it to just go to the parent who lets them do what they want.

That used to be the case, however about 3 years ago my partner dared to ask if he could have the kids a bit longer on Xmas eve as we had relatives up and ever since then she has scrapped the ‘split days’. The kids have actually told us they would like to see us more but are scared of her reaction, or on the kids own words ‘mum just goes crazy so we don’t ask’. As a result she gets her own way all of the time and yet my partner and his kids have their time restricted - just seems so unfair.

I feel for you X it's a really difficult situation ...we have similar. My step kids mum said they could choose what they wanted to do when they were 14 ...however, in real life she tends to go crazy at them if they want to spend more time with us (they tell us and so do members of her family ...kids are 21 & 14), so generally we stick to the 50/50 arrangement with the youngest (eldest still gets stick when she comes to see us ..she lives beside her mum, works with her mum and socialises with her mum)... Could you try for a 50/50 arrangement? That way, you have more chance of seeing the kids on special days... My ex and I have a very flexible arrangement which works for us and my kids ... We do alternate Christmas and go with the flow for all else (my kids are 17 & 14).
Good luck X X X