AIBU?

[IcePlease]

I feel like maybe I am and I haven’t mentioned it to DP... yet but wanted to get some others views on it.

So me and my DP have been together for 2 years he has two DC from previous relationship who are 4 and 6. DP ex has always disliked me.. I was not the OW before anyone asks... she broke up with him but then in my personal opinion I think she regretted it. So anyway she is always making digs about me to DP and anyone that will listen and has made up lies... that I don’t want to say as it will give it away too much but they were about my family, really odd things that weren’t true and wouldn’t affect anyone’s life if they were just weird. When questioned on it she just said she knows everything and nothing gets by her

So she can be pretty vile to me and to my DP occasionally when she is having a bad day it seems. However they text throughout the day ... mainly about the kids but sometimes she will text him to say she has watched something and he should watch it and things like that.

Now in the beginning this wasn’t something that bothered me as I saw it as good they are having a healthy co parenting relationship. But as time has gone on it’s annoying me more and more because she doesn’t like me and makes horrible comments about me constantly and her family do also but they all act like the best friends with DP.

I understand they will talk and speak as they have DC it’s just the amount of conversation when it’s somebody that hates me openly I’m becoming abit upset by.

My DPs not doing anything wrong and it’s not in my hands to stop even if I wanted to, just wanted an outlet I guess to see if im being bitter or if your DP being friends with someone who slates you at any opportunity would irratate you too?

Nothing is changing regardless and I’ll have to just suck it up I’m just trying to work out if the last 2 years have made me abit bitter or have just ground me down.

How do you know about the horrible things she says? They need a working relationship for the kids but he also needs to respect you as his partner. If he's passing on messages from her about you, tell him not to and simply detach. My partner's ex said something vicious about my son just before he was born and I've cut all contact with her, blocked on everything until she apologises. It's actually made me way more relaxed as I'm not involved and can concentrate on the kids and dp.

Thanks for the response... yeah he tells me and so do others just not as often as him ... we live a town where everyone knows eachother. I have asked him so many times to not tell me or involve me in any of the conversations so many times and he agrees and then tells me whenever stuff is going on again. I get that it’s normal to want to tell your partner things but at the same time he has contributed to how I feel now and I know that.
I used to constantly see her point of view and almost defend her when others said bad... not massively so but an example DP mum said she was weird and possessive and she always found her odd so i just said well we all have our odd moments and she seems like a good mum to the kids so that’s the main thing. So I wasn’t her best friend but tried to keep it respectful despite her digs and I have done that with others too. But I think everybody has forced me to remain involved when I’ve asked to be kept out for my sanity and now I could probably spend a whole day moaning about her and it’s driving me crazy.

I just don’t know if the chit chat daily between them is necessary.. contact is required yes but daily conversation when the relationship is very up and down with them... I don’t know.
I think the better boundaries may help her move on and not feel like she can dictate so much... she has said recently we can’t live together and in the past has said we can’t have a baby together. Obviously nobody is listening to her ‘rules’ but she obviously feels she does have a place to make them... when those things are not dictated by her obviously.

I know it’s hard but if you react, I imagine the people who have relayed her comments will relay your response back. So I’d choose one standard response - shrug your shoulders, say “not relevant” and change the conversation. And stick to that. Eventually the messengers will stop telling you because your response will be so repetitive & dull they will get bored.
Don’t give her interfering nastiness any more oxygen.
I co-parent and I see my ex twice a week, at pick up & drop off, and probably 1 text a week on average. Unless their dcs have medical/educational issues, personally I can’t see the need.

No kids are happy, healthy and all round just great kids. So they both know the kids are ok when with the other really.

I never say anything bad about her to anyone that knows her and do brush off anything I hear from anyone unless it’s coming from DP . Then will have a might explosion of it all to a close friend later on. I do actually think she is a good mum just don’t appreciate how she is towards me.

I don’t want her to be able to feed all the negativity in my life especially as without it me and my DP are extremely happy and work incredibly well together.

I think I just massively underestimated how hard it all would be in the beginning, as there is a third person controlling your life who you don’t see or speak to and can’t defend yourself against.

YANBU! This makes me realise how lucky I am... my DP would absolutely not be chit chatting with his ex. He doesn’t open her texts/emails until a time that suits him and keeps responses to essentials only. There’s just no need to correspond multiple times a day.
I also tried to “reach out” to her, see her point of view etc. Which was similarly rewarded.

I absolutely understand how you feel about... there’s this person having a massive input into your life and you can’t do a single thing about it or have any control over the outcomes.

A couple of years ago she took the piss a bit too much in terms of when he could see the kids. So I gave my DP some money and told him to go get a solicitor. The three/four months it took to get the Order almost broke us - I think I found it particularly hard as he didn’t involve me at all. With hindsight I’ve no idea why I didn’t tell him how I was feeling. I was having part of my life negotiated without me! It felt awful. But, that Order has been brilliant and helped loads. With set contact, it means no discussions with the ex. Does your DP have one?

The fact your dp is telling what she says suggests he’s enjoying the drama especially when you’ve specifically asked him not to. Do you really want to stay with a man who does this?

Thanks for replying
I feel bad for feeling this way because I know it is mostly about the kids and some chit chat thrown in but it does just seem unnecessary now and a way for her to keep a track on things. It does make me uncomfortable.

Dp ex has already said she will not meet or talk to me so trying to clear the air wouldn’t go down well here either, I wouldn’t think.

No he doesn’t have an order and I don’t know how one would work either unfortunately as he works shifts that he gets 4 weeks in advance. Then has DC two overnights and a day/morning/afternoon aswell whatever his shift allows. So they couldn’t really have a set pattern of days to be an agreement to stick to 🙁 I wish it could be set days as I don’t know what’s going on half the time if im honest but DP enjoys his job and the kids don’t seem to mind.

Snapped - I don’t know if he does - he’s abit too placid generally but maybe.
I think he likes to vent to me when she has wound him up but then in turn I hear everything she has said about me in the process.

I genuinely think it’s more that he doesn’t understand how much it bothers me, rather than trying to revel in all the drama if I’m honest.

His family are all dramatic though and love the gossip - as much as I love them to death they really can’t help themselves. So that has maybe rubbed off on him... let’s hope not too much though

The chitchat is unnecessary, he should just not answer those bits. My DH only communicates with his ex about the children, there is no need for any other info. Tell your DH again that you do not want to know what's being said and if he continues to do so just leave the room when he does it.

Do they text everyday throughout the day? Unless she literally tells him every thing they do I’m a bit confused why they text so much.
DSDs mum will text when she has news about their dd but not every day, probably not even every week. I don’t even text DH that much about DD when he’s away; I’ll tell him what she’s been up to but not about her all day.

Yeah they talk daily pictures and updates of the kids atleast twice from which ever one of them has the kids. I feel like it’s too much and not necessary, I’ve brought it up and he was dismissive and just said that he is gonna try and pick a fight with her every day is he, I said I didn’t wasn’t suggesting that just not talk everyday either... that was ignored so I’m guessing that’s a no to that

Just want to add they have eachother on social media so they see this stuff anyway aswell as texting it directly to eachother and talking about it . she will occasionally tag him in it on social media and will send him it... I don’t know it feels abit petty but I’m just irratated by it all right now I think as he just shut me down on it completely which I am abit surprised about... thought he would a atleast listen then say no... or agree

I have no advice on how to deal with this other keep ignoring it, and vent to your friends.

I suspect that I have all this to come. The carcass report actually states that DPS ex will be difficult about me in the future, but she's difficult about him anyway. There's no daily chit chat, but we have put a time limit on when texts, emails and calls will be answered, unless it's an emergency.

I think it's all about trying to limit the effect that it has on you. It's unlikely I'll ever be able to change her behaviour, so I can only change how I react to it.

I completely understand it. I think it's the ex wife trying to make her presence still feel very known. Not like you having to have the stepkids stay remind you that they had a relationship. She will be doing it to try and cause a reaction out of you, in the hope your partner and you will argue and he will then go running to her for consoling. Unfortunately ex wife's are just very bitter and are never happy that he moves on. Your not being unreasonable I think he is, he should say to her that it's strictly talks about the children and that's it. One of the reasons me and my partner split for a while at Christmas was because of their constant messaging so now whenever she messages anything unrelated he will either not reply or if it's too much tell her ihe isn't interested. It's got to a point he try's to not even message and ask after the kids as she will spend rest of the night messaging. Or if he is ringing them
She will come on the phone for a hour after talking crap. She wanted him to go to her dads funeral with her! I think they just feel some sort of entitlement to ur partner still. Maybe sit down and tell him how your feeling, how it makes you feel and how it comes across and ask him to limit the conversations. If he valued your relationship I'm sure he will xx

We had a good conversation about it today and explained my feelings properly and he has agreed as he didn’t realise the extent of my feelings on everything.
My conversation attempt yesterday was probably a bad time as we were both rushing around after he had dropped the kids back and he had informed me of a sarcy remark made as he was leaving about us, so i was trying to have that conversation when I was already wound up.
Feeling much better now as I feel like he understands and it’s all off my chest.... thank you so much to everyone who has responded and helped xx

Also crossroads- I 100% agree it’s about making her presence known as it is benefitting anything other than her ego really.
It seems to be the case that children are a great excuse in my experience (not all) just to have no boundaries with your ex. Hopefully now Though progress will be made for us all... tough situation to be in for sure xx

I don’t think it’s good if your partner just hides it. He’s just being silently complicit. She’s still damaging your relationship. My DP did this, just let Ex say nasty things and the less I knew if it, the more she enjoyed it as DPs silence on the issue made it worse. It also meant that any upset with the step kids, she was blaming me, without my knowledge and it gets into their heads, both DP and my DSDs got a bit poisoned.

DPs need to stand up for us.

I think it’s much stronger if you are both United. You agree on
A) telling her to stop
B) totally ignoring her when she doesn’t stop.

I’m glad you’ve had that chat with him and cleared things up a little. You’re not being petty. She’s nasty and like little drops of arsenic can cause disaster! Very similar to my DH’s ex GF but not as nasty. But was resentful towards what we had at the beginning - moving in, getting married, having kids. She expected him to never move on. If they weren’t going to be together then they would just live their existence as mother and father to their son! 10 years later she’s still single.
However my DH never facilitated her behaviour and always defended me. He tried keeping the peace for the sake of their son but would never put up with her dissing us. I hope your DP does the same or at least tell her to keep their texts kid related and when it matters. Like you said they see things on social media anyway!