Confused: This can't be right...

[StepMum87]

Just had a horrible email from my DH's ex. As she is moving house we simply asked if there were going to be any changes to childcare arrangements after the move. We got a nasty email on reply stating that when DSD is with her that it is none of DH's concern who is taking care of her.

For background she currently lives with her parents but is moving away from them, so we supposed that they may not be able to continue looking after DSD.

Don't think it's right that DH is not allowed to express an opinion on who cares for his child or at the very least be informed.

Where does everyone else stand on this? Does anyone know what the legal stand point is?

I don't actually think it's any of his business. Although I can se why that feels crap.

I don't think it's any of your business. Your husband and his ex should be sorting things out between them, not you.

If the childcare will effect contact arrangements such as altering pick up location, or if your DH will be paying towards it, then he needs to be informed. If he just wants to know who will be looking after the DC during her time then it isn't his business- I see that sentiment in reverse often on these pages so it works both ways.

Actually I think it’s always any parents business who is looking after their child but unless there is any proof of risk to the child there’s sod all that can be done about it and who she leaves the kid with when the kids with her is entirely up to her.

If this is going through the courts however that deliberately causing anxiety type tactic won’t go down well and you can ask the court to order her to let him know

If he was asking if there would be changes to HIS childcare arrangements? Hisbu
If he was asking if childcare costs he is paying half of are going up? Hinbu
If he was asking about atranhemenys that adfevt his ex and not him? Hibu
You getring involved ‘we simply asked...’ ivu

No reason whatsoever that your OH’s EX is contacting you. Why isn’t she communicating with your OH?

Only if the move impacts your OH (drop offs pick ups etc) should you enquire. What the mother does on her time has nothing to do with you (and vice versa).

I hate this. Technically, no, it's none of his business. But it is really isn't it.

Just to clarify. The email was not to me it was to DH, but I say 'we' because we're a team and I support him, particularly when something is upsetting him.

It's interesting that most think it's none of his business. Good to know. Didn't think it was unreasonable to ask, but stand corrected.

Personally I think it's best for both parents to be open and honest about arrangements that way everyone knows where they stand, particular the child.

My experience is that this sort of cagey attitude tends to lead to DSD getting upset and anxious because her expectations aren't being managed. Most of all, where possible, DH and I want to prevent this. Really hard when a child needs answers not to be able to help them.

Your h might have good intentions but having an opinion on caregivers can easily be turned into a stick that abusive parents can beat the other with.
For example: "You can't use a childminder, you need to use XX nursery" and XX nursery might be the priciest place which can't provide the hours needed. Or "You can't use your mother as childcare" etc

I do see what you mean, My dhs ex moved someone in within a few weeks and she had him looking after dsc who was under 2 while she went to work.
There wasnt anything my dh could do about it, and yours wont be able to do alot either.
I can see why he would want to know though as its his child.
I know as a mother I would want to know.

Of course it’s his business. However, it sounds like they are not on good terms. If they are not, then this is the kind of question that may be felt as antagonistic. He can’t do anything about it unless he has serious concerns. And if he’s not on good speaking terms, then why and how did that happen?

I think it is the right thing as parents to share this sort of information especially when the children are still very young.

However it all depends on how it is raised. You say the responses 'nasty. What made it so? How did he bring it up? If he was implying that he was concerned because she wouldn't be able to be a good mum without the supervision of her parents than of course her response is unlikely to be courtious.

Sadly communication is at an all time low between them. Even the simplest questions (i.e. can you confirm pick up time) are met with how dare you ask/ why are asking me/ or just ignored. And a couple of things recently have descended into her being absusive and character assassinations.

The question asked was should the plans be changing because of the move, he would like to know but that if she didn't know that was fine. It was very casual. Initially it was ignored and he asked again, mainly because DSD has been anxious about the move and he wants to be able to alay those fears. (He didn't mention that DSD is anxious , so wasn't being critical).

The big thing is that while it might not affect him directly. It does affect DSD and those affects (positive or negative) don't cease when she is at different houses. So a good parent needs to be able to deal with these, whether they involve them directly or indirectly, and that is hard to do without all the information. We've always been open and answer questions asked of us. I don't see what purpose it serves to not say, and to react in that way.

If it’s not on you’re time I don’t understand the relevance in what arrangements she makes for the move. I ask my parents to mind ds on occasions but I don’t run it by ds df

Oh if communication is at such a low then I don’t think he can ask that question. It’s going to feel like an attack.

The major issue for the kids is conflict between the parents, so if I were him I’d just reduce communication and make it all as peaceful as possible. Asking twice is only going to inflame things, the kids may well be looked after by someone else but they are going to feel antagonism between their parents as a priority.

Honestly I’d just ease back. That is the best thing right now.

I am a bit confused - you say you asked if there were changes in childcare but then went on to say Don't think it's right that DH is not allowed to express an opinion on who cares for his child

It is difficult to say as we have not see what you asked or how it was asked - to be honest this is a bit of a pick your battles, she is living with parents but about to move. She probably has enough on her plate without feeling like she is being interrogated (not saying she has been but may feel like that) about what her child care arrangements are.

In all honesty no it isn't really anything to do with him unless it impacts on his child's time with him.

I know you feel like a team and you are in marriage and yes you are right to support him but ime that terminology if used to her is just going to add fuel to fire. They are the parents and they are the team in her head where their child is concerned you are just an add on ( I am saying this as a SM of 14years) DH's ex hates that we are still together and hated feeling like it was us against her whilst she was single - I know this because we talked about and I backed right off at that point. Now we get on ok even though her and DH don't.