rejection

[justafter40]

I have been with my current partner for over ten years now. I have a grown up child, he has a teenager. The teenager spends school holidays with us and its normally great fun. However, recently, the stepchild has told their dad that they do not want me involved in their life anymore. They do not think I like them (despite reassurances to the contrary and enormous effort on my part) and, they are uncomfortable talking with me around. Indeed, the stepchild wishes I was not around and that it was like how things used to be. They said that to my face. The stepchild stated that they did not feel I could tell them what to do when they are staying with me and my partner when it comes to jobs around the house etc.

I am gutted. I feel like a complete failure, my self esteem is on the floor and I also feel really angry. I have invested a lot of time and effort into this relationship and it has just been thrown back in my face. I don't know what to do. The atmosphere in the house is dreadful with the stepchild avoiding me at all costs and being all happy and jolly around their dad.

I have a great relationship with the stepchild's mum, and I feel I have let her down too - whilst the stepchild and both bio parents, along with me, have had the normal teenage angst thing over the past couple of years (I had it with my own too), being told that they do not want anything to do with me really hurts. Has anyone any advice on how to deal with this? I am torn between moving out for the holidays or just staying out of the way as much as possible. Everytime I try to talk to the stepchild, I just get eye rolled at and ignored.

Your OH needs to find out what’s driving this.

10 years in his life is a long time and something has brought this on. Ask your OH and see if it can be addressed.

You can’t just be expected to ‘be not around and how they used to be 10 y are ago’. What are you meant to do, disappear in his visits?

As for bring eye rolled and ignored, the passive aggressive behaviour needs to be addressed by his dad.

Is it just a teenage thing? I don't mean to sound dismisive but honestly the teenager years can be awful and they sometimes have no idea what they actually want and lash out at an easy target.
Agree with the earlier poster, dp needs a serious chat around what's going on and making it clear that you disapearing won't happen ( esp as you like together and been in life a decade!) . Also regardless of how anyone feels rudeness eg eye rolling and blanking shouldn't be tolerated. Again though your DP needs to deal with that behaviour, manners cost nothing.

After 10 years of a good relationship I would need to know why? It seems really odd. Dad and child need to sit down and go over it, you can't just disappear.

The fact you don’t know what you’ve done wrong is very telling. Your behaviour at some point in you’re step child’s life has caused him to think that you don’t like him.

My DS has taken a dislike to his SM recently after 8 years. She seems overly hard on him trying to put restrictions in place over birthday presents, him not being allowed to take Adidas cap to my house, kicking off over t shirt that his grandparent bought him and being punished for it. I know if spoke to his grandparents they would be mortified as they’ve pasted gifts to me as they are for ds not me. As a result it has built up resentment. I’ve addressed it with ex to prevent things getting out of hand.

This must be hard coming out if the blue. Could you talk to the stepchild's mum?

If you're sure, you've not said/done/intimated anything the DSC could have taken offence to,/misunderstood, and you're also sure that nobody is putting ideas in the child's head....then you need to get to the bottom of it!
Your DP needs to sit down with his child, explain that you are a permanent fixture in their lives, so if the DC has a problem with/about you, they're going to have to tell DF, and get it sorted out. In the meantime, blatant rudeness, to anyone in the household cannot, and will not be tolerated!
I really hope you get to the bottom of this, but at the end of the day if DSC really means they dont want you in their life, you'll have to accept it.
Good luck!

It could just be teen years, and we all said some awful things them, not an excuse but a reason. They might feel awful they said it in a week.

The thing I'd question though is if you are one of the people who say 'I really don't like my stepchild but it's ok they don't know'

You read it a lot on here, and it's not accurate, children know if they are only tolerated not liked.

Thanks guys - advice has been much appreciated.

I do think part of this is teenage angst - I had it with my own child. However, it turns out that my stepchild does not like me asking them to contribute to jobs around the house, and does not appreciate me letting them know when their behaviour is unacceptable.

I do understand where they are coming from in that respect - I am not their parent, nor have I tried to be as they have a mother already and do not need another one. But my partner will simply not take on these roles which is why I felt I had to.

I will not let any child (including my own!) run riot in my house. Boundaries need to be set and when my partner would not do so, then I felt I had no choice. I am not overly strict - all I ask is that all children tidy up after themselves and help clear the dishes after supper.

My partners reasoning for not setting any boundaries is that they do not want their child to go home after the holidays and say they do not want to come back because they had an argument with their dad. Personally, I think this attitude is simply storing up massive problems for the future (which are starting now), but I cannot convince him otherwise

They don't tell you about this in the ante-natal classes do they!

It sounds like your DP is the problem. By him not parenting and setting boundaries and you taking this on you have become the Bad Guy. And the SC thinks if you disappear their life will be easier.

In my opinion you need to address this with DP first. SC will follow him.
You can stop asking SC to do anything and divert to DP instead..so if SC leaves a mess DP is to deal with it..if he doesn't want to ask SC to clean up HE cleans up..he sets the table etc.

You shouldn't be forced into disciplinarian role..your DP is REALLY doing you a disservice here..Also you are ABSOLUTELY within your right to have some basic expectations on helping out while in you house..

Just an idea but in our house when we lived together, dp sat children down and explained that I was an adult and it was my home and I had the right to discipline them. Kind of how tecahers at school are given authority or other adults by the parents. That way if I ask them not to do anything or tidy etc it's dp asking them as he gave me the authority (wierd but makes sense).
They seem to have responded well to it.

If your DH doesn't want to tell them to do things like wash up after themselves, then he can do it.

Now you've become the wicked stepmother for doing so.

Your SC has a dad who is easy and laid back with them .. then there's you. Not the parent telling them what to do...which will be perceived as bossing them about.

As a step parent it's not good to be the only one doing the discipline or you get these repercussions...which will only affect you..as SC and Dad are hunky dory.

I had this in a similar way. Teenagehood is when it strikes and it is devastating, the rejection.

My DSD started to totally ignore me, and told me outright that as I was not her parent that I had no right at all to ask her to do anything.

It’s just not workable, your DSS just has to accept you. What is very damaging I think is for them to then either push you out or push his Dad out for not doing this. Try and stand firm. It is great his Mum is amicable as hopefully you both can get her also to stand firm. He is testing his new power and has no idea how much this hurts you. Don’t let it become a drama.

You could always compromise and have DP spend plenty of one to one time. And even ease back on some rules in exchange for greater maturity and cooperation in others. And maybe sign him up for work / activities so he’s not just around the house all summer.

My DSD did the ultimate punishment, she moved out to her Mums. Totally rejected and punished me aged 18. I’d cared for her for years. Later, her mum ‘suggested’ she come back. What a mess!

If it was a recent relationship I'd advice some space, but as its been 10 years with no previous issues I think you're best carrying on like normal and treating this like the teenage stage where they sometimes dislike a parent for a while.

Try and continue reassurance that you do like and care about DSC, and maybe some small gestures like getting them a treat they like or something you see when you're at the shops and mentioning that you thought of them and thought they might like it will get through to them that you are thinking of them.
Also offer a day out (expect it to be rejected, but its more the thought that will count in this situation from the sound of it if they're feeling like you don't care)

Try not to let it get to you it doesn't sound like anything you've done with there being no reason given.

Not setting boundaries incase the child prefers the other parent will be a slippery slope for your DP too.
What if his mum started doing the same too? Your DSC would end up without any proper parenting or guidance.

It sounds like you have a good relationship with his mum so could your DP have a talk with her about rules and expectations and try to set similar rules for each house so DP knows he isn't being 'the boring strict parent' but also isn't letting DSC do whatever he wants.