Should I stay or should I go?

[NZmrsSW]

I've been with my husband for 7 years now and married for nearly 4.
A week after we married his ex-partner moved cities with less than a weeks notice and dumped their 6 year old daughter on our doorstep.
Having a custody agreement where my husband got to spend more time with his daughter was always the plan, however, in the space of a week I became a full time parent.
Sadly, the mother now has little to do with my now 9 year old step daughter. Our relationship has always been challenging and sadly with time it doesn't seem to be getting better.
Her dad over compensates for his mother's behaviour with extra love and attention. Most of the time that is at my expense. I don't get backed when I am trying to discipline her or when I am talking. I pretty much feel like I don't exist in my own home. It's getting to the point where I don't know if it will get better or what I can do to improve the situation. I am and have carried the family financially and have put all my life plans on hold in order to try and make this family work for this kid.
Does anyone have any advice? I've tried talking to my husband but he just doesn't understand what it's like.

No way would I be hanging around.
If you have more dc can you imagine your life? The life of your dc?.
No ta!!

That sounds really tough.

Have you thought about some counselling together? He’s not listening to you. Maybe a 3rd party intervention will make him realise how bad things are for you.

I was wondering about some kind of counselling; maybe even some kind of family counselling?
This sounds really hard for you but my heart also goes out to your DSD who has essentially been abandoned by her mum; this has most likely taught her that women can’t be trusted/getting close to a woman gets her hurt so I can imagine you’re getting the effect of that and she may be really pushing you to test you.

Sounds like you're talking about my life.
Really feel for you OP. I don't have an answer but I know how you feel.

No advice on what you should do, but never forget that this is your life too. You are not on this earth to play scapegoat to your husband.

So many divorced dads, who have left the family home, and feel guilty as hell, become DisneyDads trying to compensate! They are afraid to say no to anything, and if the DSM/DSGM tries to say, no the child shouldn't have a load of chocolate just before tea, what do they get. Oh no sorry you can't have chocolate because DSM/DSGM said no!
This drives me nuts, because I am always the bad guy, and it's not fair!

Go.
That is no life.
Leave them to it.

What stops him pulling his weight financially?

That alone would be enough for me to leave.... I won't have another adult financially depending on me like their a child.

It's not nice for the child...but it's not great for you either.

Do you see any change in the next few years? Think about whether you want to be stuck with a teenager and a H who isn't great with parenting.

Do you still love your DH? The DSD doesn’t seem to be the problem at all, just her father.

I think you need to be very clear (if you haven’t already). I think you need to make a list of tasks you do for DSD and the house generally, and a list of tasks he does. Presumably you’re doing a lot more. Go through them with him and then shift all the tasks for DSD over to him. If he has a problem with this, written down in black and white, then you can talk to him about counseling.

I don’t think you should stay out of guilt about leaving them, but if you do actually love them and want this family then you have to make it very clear that he changes now or you’re gone. I don’t think a small conversation is going to help. I think you need to tell him to put aside the whole evening to discuss the state of your relationship.

It may seem worse because you didn’t make the decision to have a child here, but this seems like standard man stuff to expect the woman to do everything. You’ve read about “the mental load”?

Unfortunately he had some health stuff which meant he couldnt work for a while.

He is working now but I definately am the one bringing in the bulk of the income for the family.

Guess the hard thing is I want to see a change. Maybe I am kidding myself.

Thanks for the recommendations about the counselling. We have our step daughter going to see one soon to work through her issues following her mum leaving. Maybe family counselling could be worth a go

Her dad over compensates for his mother's behaviour with extra love and attention. Most of the time that is at my expense
When you say at your expense, what do you mean? That you feel you are not getting enough love because it all goes to your SD? Any parent should be able to give love to their partner and all their children, it's not a case of one or the other, so if he is withholding love from you, it's because of the issue within your relationship.

The reality is you are probably all struggling to adjust to this newly family dynamics and all looking at how it should work from your own perspective rather than how it could work for the three of you. The more you look at it from your own point of view, the more the others get on the defensive and the more they do so, the less they are likely to want to give anything back.

I would very much encourage you to go to family counselling. It might very well be that you are not far off finding ways that you can all find your place within the family, but until you can talk about it and come up with compromises, it is not going to happen. Give it another go and then give up if you reach the point you don't believe it will get better ever.

Questions

1. do you still love your husband? Do you see anything in him that means you still want this work? Or are you feeling trapped/ committed?
2. have you been brutally honest with him about where you are? Have you communicated that you are so unhappy, this is where you are at?
3. Do you know what you need? This one is important. Because we can tell our partners we are unhappy etc and offload and the reality is that they can panic/ freeze and not know what to do. Do you need date night once a week? Do you need him to ‘see you/ spoil you’? What is it you need?

I hit this stage with my DP early on as he put all his energy into his DC and not the same for me. When I explained how I felt, his response was ‘but they’re children and you’re an adult’. My response was that love is love and you don’t bucket it. I shouldn’t get any less affection and emotional headspace consistently simply because I am an adult. And if you continue this route, I will feel increasingly neglected, my needs won’t be met and that’s the beginning of the end. I’m not threatening you or giving you an ultimatum. I’m giving you information that allows you to make your decision. I will not consistently accept always coming second or third in your life. I will withdraw and redirect my energies elsewhere.

Then I left that thought with him and continued with my life. The changes have been gradual but amazing. Of course I understand children’s needs are paramount, but that should never always be at the expense of the adult relationship.

I hope my story helps you as it would be shame to walk away after 7 years without giving it a chance x

I am married and have stepchildren too. I am not going to lie, if they were suddenly dumped on our doorstep meaning that I was forced to become a full time parent overnight then I would leave the same day. Especially if I did not get on with the children.
I may get bashed down on here for saying that but I don't care. I know what it is like to look after them and I absolutely know that I could not do it full time. When they're not your kids you have no say over how they are raised and when they are disrespectful to you it is awful. I have a lot of sympathy for you and I could not do it.
I think you deserve to be happy and a life of feeling like a stranger in your home is not what you signed up for and is no life at all.
Please do the 'selfish' thing and leave, you deserve to have a life and be put first.
How old are you & do you want children?

I sympathise, you can stand up for yourself more or leave but please don’t just accept this. As a full time step parent you have a much more involved role, and this needs to be reflected in how much authority and recognition you are due. Which means that you should have an almost equal say on discipline too.

If you feel third best this is not working.

Would you try counselling for you and DP? Make a list of top three specific things you want changed and negotiate with him.

Does he love you still? Is he willing to put more effort into you?

You need a more solid and happy relationship for you and DSD, she needs to see you as a happy, stable person too for her to respect and therefore trust and depend on you too.

I am totally in the same situation. The mum sits at home and I have to run around after her and kids. My husband I feel takes me for grantedI’m putting money away to rent a little flat and then I go life’s too short

Leave...don't you want your own kids and life? He's got no room in his life for you.and financially why are u paying for everything but treated like dirt?