Being a good step mum

[Stone88]

My first post, not sure where else to turn

I have a daughter who has no contact with her father. We live with my partner and we recently were granted custody of his boys. They rarely see their mother which means they're with us a lot. We've had a difficult time recently and time alone together is rare and precious so when they don't go to their mum's for a weekend we have to change our plans. Of course this isn't a problem, it's certainly not their fault, but partner and I are arguing a lot because I haven't been affectionate or considerate of them. However, I'm feeling like I need the attention at the moment. I can't win, I find being step mum really hard, knowing where to step in, where the line is so I don't cross it, if a sudden display of emotion would be weird? I'm stuck on how to do this well, I'm not a very maternal person but really need to do things better... Help?

How old are they? If very young it will be harder to have couple time...but that would be the same if they were your children.

Is getting a babysitter an option? Do they have contact with any maternal relatives?

If the children live with you pretty much full time the you need to agree with your oh to treat them all the same. Good and bad. You need to work hard at building up to them all being treated equally. For yourself and the family. You don’t have to be overly affectionate, that will come in time when you have built that relationship. You can’t be expected to treat them like you would if they only came at weekends.
A major thing in your post is you two fighting over this situation, you need to try and work together as if they were your dc together. It causes a major breakdown in relationships when one person is seen as the good parent and the other not.
Is there a reason they came to stay, because they could be why your finding it hard.

Sounds like they had a massive upheaval changing residency to your dp. That of course comes with changes and comparises within you’re household. They might be feeling rejected by their own mother and is reflective in their behaviour. Does you’re dp do one to one time with them which would enable you to spend time with you’re dd?

What is the situation? How old are they? Do you both work FT? How is he with your daughter, does he treat her like his own? How long were you together before the boys moved in? How was the decision reached?

When he says you are not affectionate or considerate enough, what does he mean? The two are quite different expectations.