Am I being petty?

[mel0609]

My partner has two children aged 3&5. We pay maintenance every week (£90). We have the kids every other weekend and always spend money on whatever they want to do (actually taking them away next weekend).

The mother of the children always expects more! We still have to fork out for wardrobes of clothes and shoes etc considering we pay money to go towards these things. She use to say we can't have them during the week as it messes up their routine but now she has a new baby with her current partner we are always dragged into having them when it suits her.

My partner says it's his kids he'll do anything but I fee as if she is taking the fucking piss out of us!

Am I being petty?

@funinthesun18 thankyou very much for understanding! She made her mind up then changed it when it suited her! I was pregnant (sadly lost the little bean) and the first thing she said was 'will you still have the children' we said that if I happen to give birth on a weekend when we are meant to have the kids then we won't be able to have them and she went fucking ape shit saying that if that happens he won't be able to see the children! But like I said sadly I lost it so she don't have to worry no more and everything seems to be back to normal!

I’m sorry for your loss op

Really?? Oh but I bet if she gave birth to her baby when she was meant to have her older children with her she would expect you to have them wouldn’t she.

She did when she gave birth to her youngest child, we had to have them with no questions asked! @funinthesun18

I'm sorry for your loss op X

The Ex seems erratic. Chopping and changing her mind like the wind, so the best thing is a formal custody arrangement.

If you have plans...then you shouldn't accept her wanting you to have the kid's last minute, unless it's an emergency.

Secondly...the kids are his responsibility and his money should be used on them... not yours.

Her expecting you to pay for her kids is wrong. Shame on any woman...who expects another woman to pay for or contribute to her children. That's the father's responsibility.

I have strong views on women who don't want to work and remain financially dependent on men... it's a vulnerable position to be in.

"There will also be many posters who reply on this that are in the same shoes as your OH’s ex so I don’t think you will get much sympathy on here I’m afraid."

^^ And while it's interesting to see things from someone else's perspective, this is a Step Parenting board, rather than an ExW board.

OP, it's not unreasonable to want to know exactly when your SDs will be with you. Except for general two-way flexibility and emergencies, it's fair to say you'd prefer not to have last minute demands and changes on a regular basis. It's also fair to question the money issue if there is a never-ending stream of requests or demands for more. No one would want the stress of that, so finding a permanent solution to both makes sense. All roads lead back to your DP on this - can you discuss with him?

I don’t think you are being petty, the kids are 3&5 you’re paying 90 quid a week plus she gets money for them in way of benefits but looking for more...does she declare to the government she is getting maintenance, probably not is the money going to the kids or for her wardrobe?

if they were older then give them more money but they still little... hope their wardrobes packing that’s all I can say..obv your partner is going to spend on his kids but he shouldn’t be having the piss taken out of him either
Are they wearing new clothes everytime they visit?

Ps she wants to get off her backside and get a fucking job instead of expecting you to pay for her children..what a fucking Liberty is that lol, oofta fuck that for a drama what a cheeky bitch lol

@mel0609 please don't take the comments all to heart. This place seems to be a place to constantly bash step mums. I don't think you are unreasomable. He is paying £360 a month (some months 450 if it's a 5 week month) for his kids plus everything on top. That is a pretty good amount towards them. Without them she would still need a house, food gas and Electric and i know from
Experience having just myself vs having two kids the cost in the basics isn't much more except maybe rent. But she is getting a lot more than some parents get. Sounds like now she has the new baby she wants a easy life without worrying about the older kids and she wants to focus on her new little family and push her actual kids out. Maybe go to a charity shop and pick up some cheap clothes to keep at yours for when they visit, and send them back in the clothes she sent them in. Look at a court order for access so she can't be the one dictating all the time. Ex wife always have to make it about the money she will be getting enough in benefits I am sure. Maybe sit down with your oftener and make suggestions on the way forward

I agree that you are not being unreasonable. What you want is as important as what DP wants. Children are his responsibility and it is understandable he wants to provide for them and have them as much as he can but he does need to take you into account too if it is a partnership.

I am a SM too and DH’s ex was similar in that she would have the kids when she wanted and insist DH have them when it suited her (often by saying she was confused or mixed up weekends) so I made sure we had a firm agreement in place so that she couldn’t keep using that excuse. I had no problem with changes to schedule but they had to be agreed and in advance unless it was an emergency. She got the message eventually. She was a control freak so changing schedule lost its appeal when she needed to actually communicate with DH and ask if it worked for us rather than guilt trip DH to do whatever she wanted.