DCs meeting new partner tomorrow - I'm terrified

[anxiousanxiousness]

I've been with my new partner for 5 months. Tomorrow he is meeting my DC for the first time. Initially we didn't intend to introduce them this soon in the relationship but things with us are going really well and having two big parts of my life so separate was becoming increasingly difficult for me as I found it difficult to switch between the two and it's made my anxiety awful. With that said, he was the one who first said that he thinks he's ready to meet them. That was probably over a month ago. We've talked about it between us and I've spoken to the DCs (they're little so only the oldest understands). To my shock, she was very positive about it and has told me she's excited to meet him. I first told her about him after he said he'd like to meet them and I've mentioned him occasionally, she's asked to see a photo etc, as I wanted to make it as "normal" as possible and not a big thing.

The reason I'm terrified is because I think he'll find it all too much. He doesn't have children but works with children, although older than mine. He said to me on our first date that he doesn't know if he's ready for the step dad thing. I appreciated his honesty and I've made it clear to him that I'm not looking for a replacement father for them. They already have a father and yes, down the line, if we ended up living together he would become a step dad, but that doesn't happen the moment he meets them. I've told him there are no expectations and they can all take their time to develop a relationship gradually and at their own pace. I don't have a "role" for him other than as my boyfriend.

Anyway, things have been going so well with us. It's the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. We've been very open and honest from the beginning. Any minor issues have been discussed and dealt with so they've not become a problem. I just fear that meeting my children is going to be too enormous for him and will scare him off. Things have been going so well that I expect it all to fall apart at any moment. Ultimately I know that if it is too much for him then it's for the best that we're not together. I just really hope that's not the case. And the only real evidence I have for it being too much for him was the "not ready to be a step dad" comment on our first date.

I am struggling with anxiety at the moment and trying to deal with that and it definitely isn't helping my perspective on this. Does anyone have any words of advice? Anything to do or not do? Or anyway that I can stop myself from over analysing this?

It sounds like he's meeting them at about the right stage. You know your relationship is good, but you can't progress it any further without knowing whether he clicks with your kids.

I introduced after 4 months - my kids were older and v much wanted to meet him. Something one of them said immediately on meeting him summed the whole thing up: "Are we meant to be on our best behavior or are you meant to be on your best behavior?"
He replied: "How about we're all just our normal selves, and your mum tries to be on her best behavior."
The kids thought that was hilarious, and after that they all, indeed, were themselves While I sat there as nervous (and probably, yes, on my best behavior!) as anything.
It's natural to be nervous - so many competing emotions. Give yourself permission that it's okay to have butterflies today, but ultimately it is just one meeting, and everything doesn't hinge on it.

A few tips - we met at a neutral venue, which was familiar to my kids and where there was an activity going on. So if any of the kids felt overwhelmed they didn't need to feel rude in not engaging with him. I also had another adult there - my sister, to look after my other kids in case one was upset and needed to talk to me. (I'm widowed so it could have been quite emotionally charged for my kids, though in the end it wasn't.) I told the kids that if they invited him to lunch at our house afterwards that would be fine, but they all had to agree on that first, and if they were unsure at all then not to. Likewise, he knew to accept if they asked him but otherwise he was fully prepared to drive for an hour and a half to see us for an hour and then drive home again.

Good luck.

I agree, where are you planning on having them introduced? Having an activity in play is always a good way to bond rather than a sit down meal etc especially if they're young. If he's got experience working with kids, even if they're older, he should find it easy to entertain them and it sounds like you've thought well and hard about what's best for both your kids and your relationship. Just don't do any displays of public affection such as hand holding till they get used to him being around as they may find it overwhelming all at once. Good luck, hope it works out!

Thank you so much Somerville. (I read your message before I looked at your username and wondered if it was you as I recognised your writing style!)

We're meeting at my brother's house for a BBQ. My parents will be there too. My partner has met all of them and gets on well with them so there will be other people for him to talk to if the DC don't want to interact and other people that the DC feel comfortable with. I'm hoping it should make it less intense, but also somewhere that the DC are comfortable (but not too comfortable to have a horrendous tantrum!)

Initially I was more worried about DDs reaction to him, but she has really surprised me with how excited she is. She's also met her Dad's partners and there's never been a problem so I think I hadn't given her enough credit.

I'm mostly worried that he will run scared. But at the same time, he knew from before our first date that I had children and if he was that against the idea he never would have gone out with me or let things go further. It's just such an unknown for both of us - this is my first relationship since my marriage and he's never been with someone with children.

I'm going to be a wreck tomorrow!

Thank you for your response Merlot.

Although there aren't any "activities" as such, it's going to be a relaxed BBQ and I'm taking some garden games. They know he's going to be there but it's also just a BBQ at their uncle's house.

Good luck op I hope it all goes smoothly for you all and that you have a great day.

I've recently had the same. Dd1 adamant that she wanted to meet dp so we went with the flow. There were a few hiccups the first few times as dd had a few stroppy moments and she is very much up my arse whenever dp is with us (I think she's scared she's going to miss something). Her behaviour went downhill a little but after having a very good chat to her I found out ExH had told her that dp was going to move in and she'd have to go live with him 🙄🙄

I always was worried that it'd be too much for dp, he does have kids but not as old as my eldest two and mine can be quite full on and show off etc but all is well up to now and he enjoys spending time with us altogether.

Hiya
I remember really well meeting my partner’s child for the first time. She was only 11 months so not the same circumstances but I was terrified. I remembered meeting a friend’s child of this age who actively didn’t take to me. I dreaded the same thing happening! So much deal-breaking potential!
Our first meeting was little. A short afternoon at his house which went well.
For the next few months we took it really slowly. When he had his daughter I visited a little or I didn’t. Entirely my choice. Eventually I realised that i wanted to invest in a relationship with both of them so I started to spend more time with them.
It was all very organic, at my pace and without pressure.
So my learning from that is to relax, make it light for everyone and leave it to them to want more rather than moving things along too quickly after the first meeting. Which sounds like precisely your plan!
I didn’t anticipate the richness that a close relationship with a child could bring to my life. Hopefully your partner too finds this new dimension of his life a good one.

I'm mostly worried that he will run scared
To be fair, you've only been together 5 months and there could be other things you and he could found out about each other that would make you decide not to take things forward.

I know how hard it is to relax when you meet someone you fall in love and you believe that you would be unlikely to meet someone as a good prospect for a serious relationship as them for quite some time. Ultimately though, you can't know for sure they are long term material until they are faced with the more difficult aspects of the relationship.

It's hard not to be in control of things, but if indeed meeting your kids meant that he didn't think he could cope, it is better to know at this stage than after you've been together a year or more, he is horrible to your kids who are affected, and your relationship is going nowhere anyway.

Good luck tomorrow. In all likelihood it will go well. Hold on to the fact that there are many couples who get together with one having children and it works very well.

Oh absolutely. I completely agree that 5 months is a relatively short time and I'm not saying he's "the one". But he could be and that's a nice feeling. I think the other thing is that my husband left me because he said he regretted having children. I would hate for my children to be the reason that someone else wouldn't want to be with me. I know it's not the same thing as they are my XHs children too. But they're such great kids and I hate that anyone could see them or their presence negatively.

If he sees your kids, or your role as their mum, as anything other than positive then he doesn't deserve you.

The chances of that seem unlikely though. Try to hold it lightly, if you can.

Do we 'know' each other from threads on here under your usual name? PM me if you want.

The occasion and location sound well planned. Try to have fun!

Somerville I NC a lot but I remember reading your threads about you and Mr Somerville after me and XH separated and it gave me hope that I might find someone else again one day.

I hope things are going well for you.x

Ah! That's the first time I've ever accidentally added a kiss on Mumsnet!

Ah, well we're talking about romance, so a kiss is only appropriate.

Yes all good here, thanks.

DH2 hadn't had a serious relationship with someone with kids before me. Mainly because he'd had a few dates with a mother who was very recently separated and felt awkward, like he was getting in the way of a family, and him being around might make the divorce messier and make it all worse for the kids. So he avoided it after that. It didn't mean he actively didn't want kids in his life - actually, he's ended up adopting my older kids, as well as us having another of our own.

Fingers crossed for you all for tomorrow. Let us know how it goes.

I am coming at this from a slightly different angle. My DiL was introduced to my GC when they were 7 and 6.My Grandson became a stepdad to a 3 year old.

It takes a long time for any form of ‘parenting’ from the partner to be acceptable. The new person has to really work hard to earn the respect of the child and needs masses of patience and tongue holding. If the partner is introduced as a friend and not involved in discipline or descions for at least a year this seems to work. I think it will be easier for you because your children are young but you will need to be aware that your partner might struggle.

Just for comparison, my Dil had no children of her own and I know that she found the noise and the mess quite distressing. My Grandson, although single, was used to hoards of little cousins so found it easier. My Dil is an amazing step mum but the kids have not always made it easy for her.

I had a bit of a meltdown last night about it all as it feels like a really big thing but I don't want to treat it like it is for the DCs sake.

We're just about to leave to go to the BBQ. Wish me luck everyone!

Hope it's going well.

You'll have a fab day, don't worry.

It went wonderfully. DD1 played with him, in fact she was his shadow. My youngest took a while but she was also keen to play with him. I said I'd phone him tonight for a de-brief. In a quiet moment I asked him if he was freaked out, he said he wasn't. He said they are lovely children. He said he suddenly freaked out a bit on the way there when he realised that he wasn't just "dating" me, he was dating my children too.

Ultimately, on the surface it all went very well. He was great with them and they were very receptive to him. But I will talk to him tonight about how he actually "feels" about it all. I get that it's a lot. Something I have always pointed out to him is that we still have "our" time, and that won't change when we also have time with my children. Time with my children should be seen as bonus time. But I get that it changes dynamics.

Ultimately I think it went very well. I'll feel really sad for my children if he feels differently as DD1 especially is very keen on him. And while that is good, I am wary of her making any kind of attachment.

Glad it went better than you hoped!

Sounds good to chat to him soon, but make sure you both get a bit of time to process it all, too.

Thanks Somerville. We're seeing each other in the week so we will have a bit of time to process it all but also to talk about it.

I had in my mind that today was a "make or break" kind of thing, and it doesn't seem to have broken us to take from that what you will.

I didn't want to add to your anxiety by saying this beforehand, but I think a first meeting with the kids is like a first date - it can go so badly that the relationship ends then and there, but it can't accelerate things so that 2nd/3rd/4th dates aren't required. Does that make sense?

So, absolutely brilliant that everyone got on fine. Talk and make sure that he's enough of a man to willingly accept the reality of your life as a mum. (Sounds like he is!) And then take it a step at a time - most dates still being the two of you, but, as you say, a bit of extra time together around the kids, too. Keep it simple and easy to start with - we did cinema for second meet-up, I think, to all hang out without any pressure for conversation.

When things were progressing both for us as a couple and with his relationship with the kids, abiit 3 months after her first met them, we went on holiday altogether. That going well gave us the confidence to know it would be okay for the kids if we got married/he moved in.
I wanted to be a good example to my teenager so he didn't stay over much, and when he did he slept in the spare room, until we got engaged. (It But you have little kids so that desciion might be quite different for you.

Yes, that does make sense. I think it's all still a case of taking it a step at a time. However, if he's not freaked out by the reality that I have kids (which, although previously known, I'd only really real once meeting them) then I think a future together is much brighter.

As for the staying over thing. For one thing, I don't have a spare room, but, both DCs have a tendency to come in to my bed in the night. It's something that will need to be discussed if he does stay, and the sofa bed might be enlisted as an option for if the DCs want to come to me (something I'm trying to stop) in the night, as I wouldn't want them to feel rejected in favour of him.

It's all a learning curve. But it seems he wants to take that curve with me so that is very, very positive.

So positive, yes. I'm really chuffed for you!