Can I Run A Few Scenarios Past You?

[Hellsbells21]

Hello everyone... I really hope you don't mind me using you as a sounding board but I am losing my mind and could use your input so I can work out whether I am in the wrong...

My partner and I have two children, his son is twelve and mine is fifteen. They get along great and the family dynamic here is working well beyond a few other issues in our relationship.

The problem is his son's Mother, who is a selfish, demanding presence in our lives and who is driving me absolutely up the wall.

Scenario One...

We have DSS every other weekend and my partner picks him up and takes him back, despite the fact that she moved an hour away. This is a long standing arrangement and she will not shift on it and so it is simply expected. I accept this. However this week she told us that she has signed her son up to a football club at ten o'clock on a Sunday morning and that my partner needs to drive him over to attend it on our weekend. I said that's fine, though I was sad that both kids would be losing half their weekend together, and that after football finished DP could simply take DSS back to hers. But no- she said this isn't acceptable - that DP must bring him back here until the end of the day and then drive him back over again then. So this means he will spend four hours every other Sunday driving, incurring the costs of the drive and dictating each and every other Sunday.

Does that seem reasonable? For his part DP wants him to play football so is on the fence about it but can see it from me and my child's point of view as we only have one car and thus we couldn't do anything either.

Scenario Two.

My DP gives her ample money, he pays for all the to-ing and fro-ing, gives our DSS pocket money, pays for his football season ticket, the seperate wardrobe of clothes we provide because his Mum won't send him clothes (though keeps the good clothes we send him back in), spends more than he should at Christmas and Birthdays, has been expected to pay half of the cost of his son's place on HER family holiday plus all of his spending money (because he should be paying for his son to have the experience apparently!), all school trips and now she wants him to pay for his new school uniform as well.

I too have an ex-partner who pays ever so slightly more than my DP but without any of the extra's. We have long had an understanding that he has another family and is doing his best for both his children. So he gives what he can, but I buy everything my son needs, would never dream of asking my ex to pay for our holidays and we share the cost of Christmas and birthdays and travelling between our houses, while I pay for uniforms, clubs, trips and pocket money.

My question is am I being unreasonable to say that it isn't fair that both uniforms and extras are coming out of our family budget? Does that make me the cow my DP says I'm being? We barely scrape by as it is despite the fact that I earn more money than he does but do not have equivalent (apparently non-negotiable) luxuries like a football season ticket!).

I feel horrible even writing all this down, but as she demands more and more from us - while accusing my partner of being a terrible Father because he said that asking him to go over there midweek to take DSS to football practise at 7.30 in the evening, meaning he wouldn't be home from work until ten here, was unreasonable (but he's doing it anyway!) - I'm starting to feel more upset about the whole thing.

What would you do? Am I cow?

Thank you so much in advance.

What stands out to me is the extras etc come out of the family budget, so you are subsidising his son in a big way while struggling. Is that correct?

If so, I’d go back to separate finances, each paying into an account for your household bills and food. Then whatever he uses with his left over funds is up to him. He might see then that he doesn’t have enough to provide the additional luxuries (holidays, football ticket) etc, but it won’t affect you anymore.

I think you are right HerRoyalHotness... he is very protective of his own money while expecting me to subsidise both children and I think probably hitting him where it hurts might just do the trick in encouraging him to set better boundaries so he isn't constantly acting out of warped guilt (she left him) and obligation.

Thank-you.x

Honestly I can't believe some of those thing. It just screams wrong and I can't understand why your partner agrees with them and moans at you for not paying for his child's luxuries especially when they aren't even something you decided on together for him.

I have a 15 yo step son. My partner pays half his uniform and any trips and activities he wants to do.
We pay from our budget anything we do with him or for him but it's decided on between us. Ie presents, day trips, fancy clothes. We also paid for him to come on our holiday.
He went this year away with his Mum and she paid everything her end and we chose to give him some spending money.

Your dp needs to grow a pair about the money side. But you shouldn't be paying for anything towards his son unless it's happening under your roof. (Hopefully you know what I mean by that, struggling with phrasing it)

The football thing is unfortunate but that's up to your partner, if he wants to spend his time and petrol money going backwards and forwards that's up to him and his son.
I'd probably discuss that if you find an event in advance for you and your child to do that needs the car if you give enough notice you get access to the car that day.

Sorry to hear that OP, sounds like your DP and his ex are taking advantage of you.

Scenario 1
If your DP's son really wants to join a football club, I'd recommend find somewhere close to your home. Otherwise just say NO to his ex as she has no right to dictate what you/your DP should do about their son's activity during your contact. If both of them agree with her proposal, then you need to talk to your DP, pointing out the fact that your family has only one car (is the car his or yours or jointly owned?) and you shouldn't be paying for the extra fuel costs.

Scenario 2
Absolutely wrong that you are forced to subsidise his son's expenditure if you don't want to. I also recommend going back to separate finance if that makes life easier.

I feel that you think because you pay for your child with your ex helping out you think she should too.

Maybe you should split finances and each pay for your own child. That sounds fair.

Scenario one - she’s being VERY unreasonable. If DSS needs to be back for ten for footie on Sunday, then he can go back to Mum’s afterwards. Toing and froing all day is ridiculous.

Scenario two - it’s mixed; going halves on certain things above and beyond CM is perfectly reasonable. Season tickets, however, are expensive items and shouldn’t be non negotiable if the rest of your household doesn’t get the equivalent. Everybody should pay for the holidays that they take the D.C. on and not be expected to contribute to the other household’s holidays. Uniform and such like, it’s reasonable to go halves.

The football every Sunday is a nightmare.

The football midweek is fine if he wants to do that. No, it’s not for her to dictate, but personally, and especially, if he only sees his DS every other weekend, I don’t think him spending that extra time with him midweek is a bad thing at all. Plenty of RP’s run about doing clubs for kids until late evening, and more than one night per week.

However, I would not be subsiding his child when I have my own to support. Tell him you want to revert to separate finances and maybe use the spare cash to buy a second car?

She's being really awkward.

If your partner took your son on holiday, would she pay half of her son's place? I bet, not.

For Xmas and birthday, kids get gifts from ex and I. He gives them his, I give mine. He doesn't contribute to my gifts and I don't towards his.

A lot of Dads contribute to uniform especially when it's first year of secondary and costing £300+ to kit them out.

The football situation is a nightmare. I wouldn't want my child in a car so long. 3 hours on a Sunday!

Season ticket - does your h attend with his son? If so, it's for your h to pay.

If your DP's son really wants to join a football club, I'd recommend find somewhere close to your home.
That doesn't work if he is with OP only every other week-ends. This matter came up with my DS and without going into detail, became a huge issue of contention. The problem is that at 12yo, it is highly likely that the DS would rather join the local team that his school friends are part of rather than a team where he will feel the outsider.

Your DH needs to speak with him, but he might need to accept that this is his son's choice, not what his mum wants.

In terms of travelling, at 12, could he start taking the bus/train on his own? Also, as he starts to do more things with his friends, it might be worth considering maybe a more flexible contact arrangement so that he can still see his dad regularly, but not feel he is missing out from what is happening with his group of friends.

Finally, money wise, utterly ridiculous for your OH to give his ex money to go on holiday with her. What he pays above CSA is up to him as long as it's his share of the money and doesn't impact on you and your DS.

Ok, 2 things going on here.

The activities. We had the same (I have 2 DSC) and we live 75 mins from the mum.

Mum signed both children up for football without any consolation and it’s impacts on dads time. Dad sees the kids EOW. He picks the kids up at 5:15 on a Fri.

Youngest kid has football training on a Fri. Which he takes them to and then drives back to ours. They arrive back at 8:30pm, all knackered.

Oldest has football training in a Sat. He takes the kids to - 2.5 hour round trip.

Both kids have matches on a Sat - another 2.5 hour round trip.

On the plus side, dad gets to spend time with the kids on his own. On the down side we don’t do anything as a family. We’ve stuck to this for 2 years but have said moving forward some days will be dropped so we can all do stuff together. Kids activities (IMO) shouldn’t take over everyone’s lives.

Money - is your OH paying the CMS level? He should be paying, not you.

My OH pays £100 over the stated amount. We also have everything at ours (mother would strip the kids naked if she could, rather than send in ‘her’ as she calls them clothes). Your OH should be paying for this, not you.

I don’t contribute to the child maintenance. Yes, happy to contribute to family things - meals out, activities etc. But on the whole my OH pays 3/4. You aren’t responsible.

I have nothing to offer from a personal perspective. Sorry. But we have a child at my sons football team who spends EOW with his dad. His mum lives 2 hours away. He plays for two different teams, alternating EOW, depending on the parent he is with. Both football coaches are supportive of the arrangement and he's made a whole new set of mates in my sons team, even though he doesn't go to school here and only sees them EOW.

Kids activities (IMO) shouldn’t take over everyone’s lives.
Gosh, I wish I'd read that many years ago because in my world, parents do see their lives taken over by their kids. Of course it comes down to choice, I don't recall strongly encouraging one of my kids do get involved in an activity when doing so demanded more of time time, effort and money, but I don't think I am the exception as a parent to have made all efforts to support my kids getting involved in activities that they wanted to do, even if it cost me in every way.

Football had to be the worse at first impression, especially as DS got older and some games were more than 1 hour away, but as it is, I've learn to find it quite enjoyable, firstly because I got to know the parents and networking is always worthy, and second because it made me feel very proud to see my DS working so hard, dedicated to his team and well, maybe not as close to supporting England but it's amazing how I got caught up emotionally in supporting his team! I struggle to understand how any parent wouldn't feel that way too.

What strikes me about the football scenario is that spending your weekend driving your kids about it just what (most) parents do,particularly if the kids are into a sport

Exactly users. The notion that kids shouldn't do any activities during the weekends when their parents are separated because time with dad should be just that confuses me.

Many parents work FT and week-ends are the time when kids spend quality time with their parents and very often that involves taking them to activities, getting involved in the set up, cheering them on, talking to their friends and as far as I've seen, kids love this involvement from their parents. I also found that the time my kids were most likely to open up and talk about their feelings was in the car, driving to places because that's when they had my undivided attention.

Some kids do prefer a family environment even as they get older, and that's fine, but many kids don't, especially when 'family' is a recomposed one, and much prefer to take part in activities with friends with their parents' involvement and I don't think there is anything wrong with this.

He plays for two different teams, alternating EOW, depending on the parent he is with My DS did this for two years, but when he got to a certain age, the expectation of the league was that he should play all the games and be present to most of the training sessions, which included one in the week and one at the week-end, by which time, DS had little choice but to pick one. He chose the one his school friends were teamed with.

@user1487194234 yes a parents job is to run their kids around however on the other hand it's not fair on the resident child who isn't able to go anywhere the weekends his step dad is running around for 4 hours just driving plus the footy match. Especially when it sounds like his life is dictated by how much money is being paid out for his step brother for his holidays etc. The ex wife needs to be reasonable that she allows him to be dropped off early due to this commitment she made with the football team. It's about making it fair on everyone. Plus it's not like he is just driving him around locally it's a lot of mileage by the sound of it which doesn't help on the car or petrol. However could you and your son go with them maybe and then do something in the home town of your step son after he finished footy to save the drive back to your house and then back to drop him off. Even if it's rake a picnic for when he's finished or something.

Money wise I completely empathise with you, he sounds like a guilty dad when he shouldn't be feeling guilty. My partner pays csa money to his ex for his girls, half their school uniform for September term the rest comes out of maintenance. And he will pay for one school trip/ cubs camp trip a year. Plus the fortune it costs us to see them for all of 5 hours a fortnight as she won't let them stay overnight. If she chooses to sign them up for clubs it's her responsibility, if she chooses to go on holiday her decision and her responsibility. My ex husband pays maintenance and that's it and I wouldn't dream of asking for any extra especially for holidays etc.

He is the one being unreasonable not you

I think with the football the decision very much is with your DSS; it is unreasonable that she won’t let DSS go home after but if he then couldn’t do football because of that it would be sad as it’s not his fault.
I also think that the money for DSS shouldn’t be coming out of your family budget. When DSD is with us we share costs of food and days out but I don’t pay for her when she is with her mum. DH does end up paying towards school uniform but the holidays is where I would definitely draw the line.

I have the same scenarios in my house( without the footie though)
We have separate finances completely , dp pays his half of the bills , I pay rest for my son an I.
I suggest you do the same quickly, the only way your dp will see the true cost of his money is when it’s his own An your not subbing him.
My ex h is a fucker an even though earns 4 times my good wage has only ever given the basic legal amount an always told me “ I pay you money, whatever you choose to spend on like school uniform comes out of that”.

But my dp now takes both his kids out for clothes, pays extra school trips and pays their phone bills ! But I’m glad he has his own finances as when his daughter twisted arm for big phone contract it wasn’t my/family money doing it!

As for the footie, it’s unreasonable in one sense because of journey times etc so I suggest he sticks to his guns of dropping son back to his mums after.what about he takes him for lunch too An drops back after that so she’s at least got fri/sat/sun till lunch to live her life An her child free time?

Football is a right royal pain! What about if your son joined the same team?
I would be taking him to football, Id then be dropping him back at his house afterwards. Also, I would be having separate finances from now on. If he then chooses to pay half for his sons holiday, it's his business. It sounds like she's a bully and is blackmailing him emotionally. One day soon her son will realise this!

"My question is am I being unreasonable to say that it isn't fair that both uniforms and extras are coming out of our family budget? Does that make me the cow my DP says I'm being? We barely scrape by as it is despite the fact that I earn more money than he does but do not have equivalent (apparently non-negotiable) luxuries like a football season ticket!)."

Your dp is the one being selfish here! I cant actually believe he is calling YOU a cow for subsidising his and his sons extras!
Dont do this! Seperate your finances.

As for her moving an hour away, who ever made the move should do the driving or at the very least half, the football thing I am on the fence on as kids do do activities although why should your son and you have nothing to do whilst he is doing with his son all weekend taking the car.
It sounds like its all your partner and his exs way, I wouldnt put up with it to be honest, I think he is taking the piss out of you.

Exes have no right to sign children up to things without discussion and then insist they attend on weekends with NRPs. Can your DP find somewhere local for football when he is with you? What does DSS say?

On the money, if DP is not prepared to stop paying for holidays, holiday money and all of the extras then I'd separate finances. He is being well and truly mugged and you have years more of this to come.

At 12, your DSS is old enough to resist any attempts to stop contact or whatever she might threaten to keep the cash rolling in. If she persists, your DP can take her to court, where he would also get a chance to ensure that she did at least half the driving for contact following her move.

Oh and whatever clothes you buy can stay at yours.