I'm at my wits end!!

[TeaAndPjs]

Been with my OH 5 years and he's always been great with my DS (who's father isn't present in his life), we now have a DS and a DD of our own, there's faults on both my OH and my DS side and they're relationship is straining and because of this me and my OH relationship is falling apart!

Perfect example.... most nights when going to bed DS takes the mick and thinks he's being funny (And a bit of a jerk to OH) so OH kicks off storms out room refusing hug goodnight etc which then means we have an almighty tantrum from DS, I always end up stressed and every now and again me and OH bicker over it, I've suggested ways he can deal with it and how to speak to him etc when they are both calm but it falls on deaf ears, now I feel that 95% of what comes out his mouth is a warning (before DS has even done wrong) we've now argued that bad over it that me and 3DC are all moving out Tomor.

I don't know how to handle this, I can't sit back and watch it, I can't listen to the tears and tantrums and I don't believe that he should have affection rejected as a punishment! I've tried taking things off him, stopping treat and days out etc but still nothing changes! HELP

How to talk to kids so they listen and how to listen so they will talk. That book is awesome. Deep breath I understand you, maybe is time for you two to sit down and talk. Have a family meeting with the kids and create a routine to follow, tell your son things he can do instead of pissing of your oh. Maybe he just needs more one to one time with him, maybe all going for a walk before going to sleep or playing some football or expending some quality time together will work. Good luck, and also don't move out, problem resolution is really useful sit down with ur hubby and write down a list of things u like and things you want to change and listen to each other. Big hugs and kisses

Sounds like a great situation for your son. Deal with the partner.

@madlife I don't want to move out and hoping it doesn't come to that, I've tried sitting them down, they've had 1 on 1 time and they've spoke but OH just said it lasts a day or 2 then is back to normal, he won't listen that it also changes on his side for a day or 2 then he's back at it, I've probably painted OH off to be worse in 'll this but tbh they are both as bad as each other, I've watched DD purposefully wind OH up and then smirk/grin/laugh at how the situation ends up, he's 9 and knows exactly what hes doing and now the 3yo is copying thinking it's ok

@mrsmeee DS is as much to blame tbh and purposefully winds OH up, I probs coulda worded it all better, it's 50/50 with them and not 1 is worse than the other

At the point you’re son starts tell him to leave the room and he is welcome back when he stops. The same with oh if he starts it. No chances. When they come back no reference /comment just move on. It will take time to break the cycle. You are the adjudicator... be fair. Tell oh you will absolutely explain why you sent him out when child isn’t around but expect no argument at the point. Tell child exactly what you are sending him out for at the time you send him and it’s not ok but you love him and when he’s prepared to be the lovely child you know he is he can come back/cuddle. Child is being manipulative... oh is reacting.. joys of family life!

@lollypop701 that is exactly what I've been trying to do but I'm never in room, I'm normally feeding the baby but will maybe move bedtime 15-30 mins later (school holidays anyway) so I can have the baby down then be there to stop anything escalating

Which is exactly why child is doing it... its not on purpose tbh... any attention is good attention and puts off bedtime. Kids are born to press buttons. Other option is to tell dc as there is an issue with behaviour, and you know it’s done to stay up later you will put him to bed before baby... to avoid current issues. He’s obviously tired to be doing those things and you live him and wNt him to have his own attention. LO goes at 7 so he can go at 6 with ALL your attention for 15/30 Mins (depends on you) and cuddles from oh for last 5 mins, as he’s looking after the others whilst he gets total attention. No reward for bad behaviour... always a cost. I know there may be one to you too initially but???

They are not ‘as bad as each other’. One of them is a 9 year old child and the other one is a grown man. It isn’t that inappropriate for a 9 yr old who has just been presented with a second half-sibling to be kicking off at bedtime, attention seeking, looking for reassurance that he is still important.
It is entirely inappropriate that your DP cannot deal with bad behaviour and rudeness without resorting to bickering and shaming a child. If you genuinely treat your ds as though he is equally to blame for this then it is no wonder he is regressing to tantruming. Agree with madlifes suggestion that reading “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen” is a good place to start. It’s really excellent. Your partner needs to read it too so you can present a united front. If he won’t read a book for you and your son, then you know you have a partner problem, not a problem with your child.

I’m not suggesting Dp Is managing this well... but sometimes as a parent you max out. The other parent helps. You manage the child together. This isn’t Disney. We are teaching our children how to be adults... what’s ok behaviour.. because he’s 9 he knows he’s being a beggar, and needs boundaries. But the same applies to gp Which is why they get same treatment for behaviour... leave till you get your shit together. Just because I understand behaviour does not make it ok ..for my child, my partner or me. ..but I have compassion because sometimes I’m not a perfect parent, and I need support

How would you otherwise punish DS for his behaviour? It's very hard to hug and embrace when you know it's deliberate winding up.

Perhaps swap and you put DS to bed, while he feeds the baby.

Kids are kids...but they know what their doing. I've known primary aged kids wind teachers up and say they'll get them sacked.

What is your trying to achieve? Have you had a talk with him? Do you think he wants you to split up?

You need to be really careful because it sounds like your OH is slowly growing to dislike your eldest child and if that happens, it's very difficult to step backwards.

Maybe it's stress and exhaustion, and maybe it's being faced with his own belief that life would be so much better if your son didn't exist, glorifying his kids' behaviour through love and focusing his attention on your son misbehaviour to justify his negative feelings towards him.

Your son is probably reacting to the fact that in half of his life, he's gone from having you for himself to having to share you with three other people. That's a lot to get used to in only 5 years.

You are now stuck in a vicious circle and it is going to be tough as unless your DP is prepared to consider his feelings towards your eldest. I would insist that your DP seek some counselling so that he can express his feelings and reflect on what he needs to do to start liking your eldest and caring towards him like he does your two joint children.

Did you tuck your son in bed consistently before your baby came along? Is your partner now doing the bedtime routine more and more? Does this problem arise st other times of the day or just bedtime?

DS isn't doing this because baby is here as it's been going on for a couple years now but lately it's just wearing me down and getting unbearable, yeah up till I met OH I always done bedtime as I was only 1 there, since we've been together DS has always asked if OH can take him that night, or another night he'll ask for me, for a while we done it that we all said goodnight in living room and then I stood at bedroom door till he was in bed, once he settled I'd put light out and leave room, he asked that we start coming into room again so we did, I may have to resort back if it will help, normally for bad behaviour I take away toys/computer/tablets etc and no treats.

The reason I say they are as bad as each other is because in can see OH is trying (at times) and DS is doing everything he shouldn't while laughing in his face, doesn't do it with me at bedtime as he knows I won't stand for it. He knows OH won't stand for it either but seems to get enjoyment outta doing it to him!

Was on my own with all 3 last night (OH had buggered off after arguing again) and bedtime was easy and peaceful

Why Dont you let your partner to put baby to sleep and you deal with your son for now? Cuddle him, tell him a story. My son is only 3 but he loves me to cuddle him, tell him a story and we always talk for a couple minutes about what we are doing next day or anything he did on the day that he did well. Talk to your partner and tell him that u need his help so you can both help your son so the rest won't copy him and also he won't become a manipulative adult. Big hugs and make sure you take each day some time alone with your Dh for adults only time

Is your OH giving him attention at other times? Or does it tend to be just around bed time?
The problem with kids is they see any attention (whether negative or positive) as a bonus if they’re feeling left out.
It seems to me that it’s likely he’s feeling pushed out since you’ve had your other children and is trying to find his way in the pack again.
Emphasise to your child that bad behaviour will not get him the attention he craves - only positive behaviour will.
Time out for him as soon as he starts trying to wind up your OH.
OH needs to control his temper and effectively wipe the slate clean every morning. Each day is a new day and he should not be holding anger against your DS for the previous day’s issues... if he acts like he’s expecting DS to act up then DS will play up to it

Nope it's only at bedtime, plays up at other times obv but no more than any other kid. Tonight we sat in living room for a bit, all said goodnight there, OH just stood at bedroom door and told him he's put light out once he was ready, DS got into bed happily sorted himself out, said goodnight, love you (which was said straight back) and went to sleep no problems at all! Bedtime was peaceful and hassle free with no bickering!!!!

So he asks for your OH, then misbehaved. Maybe it's attention seeking. I'd walk away from the bedroom if I was your OH at that point.

He asks for him then just winds him up.. very manipulative...and kids can be manipulative in their own way.

He does walk away but then the tantrums starts cos he never got his hug goodnight. The way we done it last night seems to have worked so will keep doing thay for a while and see If it helps