School placement/BIO Dad making life hard

[retroafro]

Hi

I have just registered in hope I can get advice on all the step-parent dilemas!

So Im a step-dad (well at least i think i am) who has a 9 yr old step daughter and 11 yr old step-son as well as my own 1 yr old son.

I will just get the question out the way before elaborating some more - My step-son gets to meet his new tutor and classmates at secondary/high school this evening. I want to know if its acceptable for me to go if his biological Dad doesnt agree with this?

Heres some vital information you must read - The biological dad sees thekids every other weekend so Im the one who essientally rasies the children, i make extra effort to establish an equal dynamic as we have recently had our own baby (me and the bio mother)

The children are very close to me and we are all like best friends and they come to me about all sorts of things that they cant go to their dad about - the Dad never gave a damn until i was on the scene a couple years ago and since then has tried to ruin our family dynamic.

I attended a couple highsschools when said step son was choosing his school - we went as a family and invited the bio dad as we respect he is the dad. He got very angry when he found out i was attending, even though his at thetime 10 yr old son go upset and then angry at his own dad for his behaviour saying he wanted all of us to go. long story short me and my wife coaxed him into attending for his sons sake. Its important to understand my wife gets tearful often due to bio dads demands on how he must do everything with his son now - it gets complex because he doesntdo a whole lot unless he hears we ared doing something with the kids. I have had it out a number of times explaining the kids need stability and to be able to do activies in our family and not just with him (its literally that extreme)

I dont want to go into the dynamic wit the bio dad too much, but after the school visit he told my step-son that his baby brother wasnt really his brother and my step-son ran in when his dad dropped him back very upset with this 'revalation' in which the my step daughter starts crying - its important to know he has no time of day for the step daughter and doesnt mind if we do things with her or not. he is very much only interested in his son mainly.

Now me and my wife do school runs, pack lunches, homeworks, basically the daily grindof having children...I see my step kids play with my bio son and all the children feel equal. I love them all and what we have going on - but this bio dad is doing everything to break us...he breaks our rules when the kids go to his, like allowing them to play xbox all day long and stay up to the early hrs often at partys wth very drunk people. It becomes difficult when this dad 'seems cool' for allowing these sorts of things and when we say you only get 90 mins technology time a day (which i think is fair - escpecially on school days) anyways I think you get the drift.

As it stands im not seeing my step-son meet his new tutor and class mates even though he wants me there - I fear his dad will pull some dirty trciks like the time he told the kids their little baby brother wasnt their brother (crazy really when he was raised in a family where all his siblings had different dads!) I cant lie it really really upset me, i could of killed him in that moment of finding out! we have always resepcted him as a dad and give him access every other weekend for the whole weekend and also when ever he feels like seeing them.

What do you guys think is right - can i attend my step-sons meet and greet at his new school or not?

Thanks

GrayDays
Just to elaborate on the phone calls - I have never rang them when at their dads, my wife barely rings them also. My point about the baby, was they use to ask every time they rang to see him, he is only young, so its a novelty. but after the comment on them not being real siblings, they avoided asking - my wife mentioned this and asked the kids, they said they don't want their dad to see them talking to the baby because they were scared of what their dad might react or say to them. Me and my wife know its a silly thought on the kids part as we know he wouldn't do anything to hurt them, but to get a rough time off their dad isn't all that pleasant neither...take into account the comments and thing he has said - im sure you will agree he has no boundaries on the things he could say.
Im filling you in on details, to help build a picture.

jumblefun

If you met a woman - she had kids, the dad wasnt really there much, unreliable etc not because of you, you were not even on the scene - then you have several months of this experience, so your a decent fella, you dont want to push the kids out from their mum knowing their dad does tht, so you try to do as the mum wishes and include them, you know its the right thing to do as your heart sees kids with no male role model. The kids are always there when you see their mum etc its as simple as that really - then a yr into the rship you could say it all got messy and dramatic - i didnt know much of the dad up to this point, never really saw him etc I think the first time we got properly antiquated was when i decorated the lads bedroom. he came around and had a huge argument with the wife, then shouted if i had a something to say, ,say it to his face. I then had a long chat with him about things - look ther is another facet to this story and i didnt mention it as it was about the kids. But he goes to the gym and thinks he is this and that - he lifted his top and showed his partial abs, knowing that she was obviously with me, sticking his tongue out, i saw this through thr gap in the door haha the wrote her a letter saying he still loved her, yes while engaged to his present wife. So i know he had a torrid time mentally when it all ended.

it is what it is - my enthusiasm is rock bottom ha im up all night with a baby and work very long hours.

You sound like a control freak and a nightmare. Sorry. It might be how you're coming across in the written word but you sound like it's how great you are and (subtly to the kids) how shit their dad is. That isn't fair to do that.

jumblefun

If that is how its coming across fair enough - I dont say a bad word about their dad to them.
I have very little control and tend to just go with the flow - it just seems that going with the flow seems to see a lot of unnecessary plight in wife and kids.

at the end of the day, some humans are morally higher or have higher values. You cant say Morales and values are individual when the mother has set a level pre - me and some things are just wrong in everyone's eyes. even in the eyes of the law, hence court orders etc

The kids have felt me distant myself as time has gone on. Im more of the quiet type that keeps things to himself - its why i came on here to ask other step parents their thoughts, I dont want to bring my thoughts to my wifes attention as she has a lot going on. When she tells me to do things with the kids, i go with the flow like i said. I dont randomly think 'right im doing this with the kids without anyones say'
I have never done a single thing unless kids asked and mum agrees or mum says can you do this for the kids.
Im a busy man with a hard worklife atm - I love my career and it has taken a hit through all of this. free time would be a dream for me :) but morally you have to weigh up what you can and cant do with kids.
I have been here for just over 3 years and its challenging for me - i have read step parenting books, blended family books etc not because i want to overtake, but because i love my wife and she made it clear it was her and her two kids, in brackets with a dad that doesn't bother much, especially with the daughter.

I think like many other people have honestly said - It would be great to have some lone time for the relationship - So i really dont aim to be this crazed dad/step dad...just some consistency so i can make plans etc

Jumblefun - you're thinking of how you'd feel if you were the dad in this situation. But surely you wouldn't behave in the same way? Any decent parent puts the interests of their child first, even if it hurts their feelings to see their child having a good relationship with a step-parent. When a marriage breaks up and your ex remarries you have to adjust to lots of things you don't like. The whole step situation is fraught with hurt feelings, on both sides. It's painful to see your child doing mummy/daddy activities with someone who's a stranger or interloper in what used to be your family.

But the bottom line is 'what's good for the child'. And this ex is behaving very badly in trying to stop his dcs forming bonds with their baby brother and stepdad. If Op takes a step back from his dsc, and avoids doing dad things like boxing with his dss, how will dss feel when he sees him playing a bigger part in his baby brother's life than with him? 'You never took me boxing...'

Frankly, Op, I think I'd seriously consider moving further away from your small village. It's a tinderbox and it will be easier for all concerned not to be living in each other's pockets with chance encounters and interventions from outsiders adding fuel to the flames.

Thymeout

You are really understanding where im coming from here. I want the dad in the kids life, its paramount.
I need that the freedom to be a dad too, especially now i have a son - my wife spoke to the dad and mentioned he has to realize in this house we are a 3, as in 3 kids, in his, its a 2. She did explain that the dynamic in our home could deteriorate if we cant do things together for precisely your reasoning, the step-son sees huge differences.
Also it doesn't help that the step daughter only gets to do things in our home, its the only place she gets emotional support. So that brings an extra complexity as her brother (my step son) then feels left out or she is better treated. The reality is the step-son gets the most from everyone. Its a balancing act my wife fights with all the time - im her husband, i have to help....its soooooooo difficult.

even this thread empathizes on the son - there is a daughter in this!

....and a baby!

I completely understand the op's pov.

My ex sounds like his wife's ex. Not interested, not willing to support the children financially, not interested in their wellbeing. Just wants to 'own' the kids and bang on about his 'rights' completely ignoring the fact that actually the children have rights, not him.

He didn't want to actually spend any time with the children, was only interested in making my life hell. HIs parents facilitated all contact and did all pick ups and drop offs. In the end his violence escalated to a point where the police were involved again and then I went to court for a non mol order.

I ended up moving away with the children and moved in with my now dp (we have been together 6 years). As soon as the non mol order ended, he moved the 500 miles to where I was living and found somewhere to live just down the road. And started up again with his 'rights' and demands. He would insist on having the children overnight and then would phone me at 7am on a Sunday morning saying he couldn't cope and to 'come and pick the fucking brats up'. They were 13 and 6. I picked them up and the kids said they didn't want to go back. He'd spent the previous day smoking weed, had told them that I was a fat cow, that I was lazy, that if I ever had an accident in the car with them in it, he would kill me, kill my dp and he said I was aa 'fucking shit mum' and a waste of space. My kids were destroyed.

I cut contact and spoke to a solicitor. I then applied for another non mol order and it was served on him. He turned up at court and kicked off, swearing at me, my solicitor, the judge. He stormed out, then came back and kicked off again. Said I was a liar and he had 'rights' to see his kids.

The Judge put the children on the non mol order and also ordered he wasn't allowed near their schools, our home or any of us.

He was never interested in the children. Even where we lived previously he would refuse to take DD2 to a party on his weekend saying it was 'his' time and why the fuck should he give that up for some other brats party. He just didn't understand that it was never about him.

My children are now nearly 20 and 13. They are happy and confident people. My dp is a wonderful man who puts them and their needs first. He never moans if DD1 rings at midnight asking to be picked up as he would rather she was safe. He has never moaned when DD2 has a meltdown (she has ASD), he just lets her get on with it and then offers a hug and lets her cry on his shoulder.

So yeah, I completely understand the op. The ex sounds like a fucking dickhead who has no interest in the wellbeing of the kids, just want to do a bit of dick waving and ranting about 'his son'. Very telling that his daughter doesn't get a look in.

Bananasinpyjamas11

Sorry i didn't reply to you - That's really sad, Maybe one day she will realize that. even if you never hear from her, i'm sure she will always remember it and that in turn will make her a better person for what ever life chucks at her.

MycatsaPirate

Wow that sounds like an ordeal! My wife has wanted to move away for some years, before i knew her. Her mums ill health stopped that.

Your partner sounds ace - we similarly drop plans when the kids dad decides he wants a weekend for him and his wife, on his weekend!

The violence has stopped since i been on the scene - just verbal things now. But the damage he did to the house before i came on the scene was tragic, i dont think a single door didn't have holes in. The daughters door was the worse, my wife's wage could cover mortgage and bills but she couldn't get much of the house fixed up before i came along.

I think the dad is a beep - but i try to refrain from that train of thought because i would probs lose my marbles ha
The dad had a troubled upbringing so its not entirely his fault, I know from experience what the environment does to children.
My dad cheated on my mum, so she moved away and we ended up in a council estate - first day there we had our house set on fire! I know exactly how kids can turn out in these areas.

But thanks for you rely, i have had a lot to ponder since this thread started. Very eye opening.

Op, you need to ask why you chose to form a relationship with a woman with such a messy relationship with her ex.

Point taken, but I feel it doesn't really add to this thread - for several months it wasn't messy at all. The kids went to there dads when he could have them - A court order was in place before i was on the scene so he was paying the minimum maintenance, which was fair enough.
He was hardly around is what i'm saying. Usually you would have no dad on the scene, or one that is consistent and loves being with both their kids...neither was happening in its entirety, it was a blend of both.

So as you can see for most part it wasn't messy, I felt sorry for the kids, as did my wife. But she was use to it, she married the guy so she knows him more than most.
The kids found males rather intimidating to help summarize the pre-me era.

It only became messy when his role of father came into the spotlight as we live in a small community and I was the 'new kid on the block'
So yeah for several months it was by default wife, her kids and me. That could not change because of how he was a fair weathered dad at the time.

Believe me my wife didnt know it would go like this - the previous 5yrs before me he barely wanted to know. I think after 5 yrs of that you would feel that maybe thats just how they are, nobody knew it would turn this way. Her rship with the dad was minimal i agree, but there's only so much words you can have to the dad about seeing his kids. Then it just becomes 'stuff it'

Me and my wife both know, although its really difficult, at least he is seeing more of his kids now, albeit one way more than the other.

Dont get me wrong i have had many thoughts about this path in my life - I was single and living my life exactly how i wanted. But in life you surely have to whittle down what it is that will make you really happy in life - and that was my wife's person.

The maintenance has been lowered less than what the csa would have him pay, but we dont want the aggro with what we having going on away from this.
He wanted me to pay for his kids - apparently as I live with them primarily, im meant to.

His exact words - 'now your with another guy, i dont have to pay for the kids'

he was there raging...like seething! Raged at the son, made him upset, raged at my wife saying he is taking him boxing not me. Its very strange to me, i boxed for years, the Monday night didn't impede anybody, certainly not his time with the son. I never do anything with the kids anymore.

This, plus him smashing up the house and assualting your wife in front of their child is very concerning.

His violence and dangerous temper seem to be affecting all of you. You and your wife don't feel like you can carry out normal activities with the children for fear of his reaction.

Have you talked to your wife about getting legal advice about this kind of thing? He should not be allowed to turn up at your house and verbally abuse any of you. I would be looking at options to prevent him from being able to do this.

Growing up with a parent like that is incredibly damaging for children.

Think of the message it sends to the kids see you and your wife letting his bullying abusive tactics get the results he wants.

The dad got jealous when you came on the scene. It was fine for him to get remarried...but how dare his wife move on. He thought she should be alone for life.

He shows little to no interest in his DD. Sounds like a typical sexist pig....and he's violent with it.

Quite honestly he sounds like a right idiot.... and he'll be jealous if his DD chooses you for special moments like walking her down the aisle...yet he can't be bothered with her.