School placement/BIO Dad making life hard

[retroafro]

Hi

I have just registered in hope I can get advice on all the step-parent dilemas!

So Im a step-dad (well at least i think i am) who has a 9 yr old step daughter and 11 yr old step-son as well as my own 1 yr old son.

I will just get the question out the way before elaborating some more - My step-son gets to meet his new tutor and classmates at secondary/high school this evening. I want to know if its acceptable for me to go if his biological Dad doesnt agree with this?

Heres some vital information you must read - The biological dad sees thekids every other weekend so Im the one who essientally rasies the children, i make extra effort to establish an equal dynamic as we have recently had our own baby (me and the bio mother)

The children are very close to me and we are all like best friends and they come to me about all sorts of things that they cant go to their dad about - the Dad never gave a damn until i was on the scene a couple years ago and since then has tried to ruin our family dynamic.

I attended a couple highsschools when said step son was choosing his school - we went as a family and invited the bio dad as we respect he is the dad. He got very angry when he found out i was attending, even though his at thetime 10 yr old son go upset and then angry at his own dad for his behaviour saying he wanted all of us to go. long story short me and my wife coaxed him into attending for his sons sake. Its important to understand my wife gets tearful often due to bio dads demands on how he must do everything with his son now - it gets complex because he doesntdo a whole lot unless he hears we ared doing something with the kids. I have had it out a number of times explaining the kids need stability and to be able to do activies in our family and not just with him (its literally that extreme)

I dont want to go into the dynamic wit the bio dad too much, but after the school visit he told my step-son that his baby brother wasnt really his brother and my step-son ran in when his dad dropped him back very upset with this 'revalation' in which the my step daughter starts crying - its important to know he has no time of day for the step daughter and doesnt mind if we do things with her or not. he is very much only interested in his son mainly.

Now me and my wife do school runs, pack lunches, homeworks, basically the daily grindof having children...I see my step kids play with my bio son and all the children feel equal. I love them all and what we have going on - but this bio dad is doing everything to break us...he breaks our rules when the kids go to his, like allowing them to play xbox all day long and stay up to the early hrs often at partys wth very drunk people. It becomes difficult when this dad 'seems cool' for allowing these sorts of things and when we say you only get 90 mins technology time a day (which i think is fair - escpecially on school days) anyways I think you get the drift.

As it stands im not seeing my step-son meet his new tutor and class mates even though he wants me there - I fear his dad will pull some dirty trciks like the time he told the kids their little baby brother wasnt their brother (crazy really when he was raised in a family where all his siblings had different dads!) I cant lie it really really upset me, i could of killed him in that moment of finding out! we have always resepcted him as a dad and give him access every other weekend for the whole weekend and also when ever he feels like seeing them.

What do you guys think is right - can i attend my step-sons meet and greet at his new school or not?

Thanks

Why is the parent's happiness more important than the child's? His step son wants him there and will be upset if he's not. The dad should be putting his son's feelings above his own and the fact that he isn't hints at what kind of a parent he is

The problem with the 'child always comes first' approach is that it ignores fundamental issues between parents that for whatever reasons, cannot be overcome. Sometimes putting a child first is about avoiding conflict and tension (or worse, arguments, name-calling, physical assault) and difficult situations. If you genuinely feel you can't stand by without causing a problem (or are too scared to be in the same room as an ex), then stepping back is a better option. The child may well want step dad there but if it descends into name calling or sniping or nasty comments, it will make the event memorable for all the wrong reasons.

Separated parenting is sometimes about knowing your limits and/or knowing the limits of an ex, in my opinion.

I sure as hell am not having my sons see my ex take the piss out of me for what I'm wearing/the way I speak/a friend who comes with me/...or call me names or threaten me. Sometimes that means I let the ex and his partner attend without me. The children know who's at fault, of that I am very sure.

Some comments on here are APPALLING.
...a parent is a person who is worthy of a child's trust, cares and provides both practically, financially and emotionally - always, even when it's difficult or inconvenient. Just being biologically related doesn't mean shit anything. The OP sounds like a person who has earned through care and action the trust of the children. The children's biological father sounds like an abusive deadbeat who will likely cause more psychological damage to the children than be any kind of decent parent to them.
The children want OP there, so he should go.end of.

Step-parenting is a thankless job.

If your stepson wants you there I would go, his dad should put his differences with you too one side if that is what your step-son wants.

Always confuses me how people can defend useless NRPs/dads who disappear when it suits them, yet if a single parent did that their children would be removed.

You don't get to pick and choose when to parent. He's shown his priorities aren't with his children, you've shown yours are therefore your step son is better placed having someone he wants and who will be putting his needs first there rather than a man who passed on a few genetics and tells him his baby brother isn't his brother just to upset him out of spite.

bf1000

TBH im at work and now realize that I should be Little more clear.

When they initially broke up he refused to see them or pay a penny. It was my wife who got the court order, which she does remind the dad of a lot. His payments have lowered because he told me that i should pay for them as im with the kids more. I was shocked by this, but rather than paying more legal fees and having more drama my wife said he could lower it. I cant say how much, but its lower than what the CSA would have him pay. He is a tradesman and gets just above national average in the uk...but does a lot of side jobs, cash in hand.

MY wife tried to set-up a mid-week arrangement to accompany the weekend court order, he said he cant because of work commitments. So its basically been every other weekends so the dad and my wife get equal amount of time to do activities etc as midweek is the grind of work, school etc

All of this was in place before i knew any of them existed. But when i arrived i learnt quickly that he barely had them on his weekends for various reasons. My wife was the one who took them everywhere, holidays, activities, clubs etc
roll on 6 months of me on the scene and being integrated into this life...he starts to show a distaste towards me for no particular reason, its important to know i traveled alot for work at this time myself, so i still wasn't massive in the kids life at this point, but this is where he started to insist on lower payments, not allowing us to do stuff as a family. Jeez it was hard enough trying to integrate into this new dynamic as childless man...my wife was a huge help as she essentially played mum and dad so guided me alot. It was very easy to build a rapport with the kids in the end as they are soft pleasant kids. Anyways things between me and my now wife were runningly smoothly between us and i decided to move over - this is where it gets nasty and crazy. The dad came around ranting about his kids being taken - even though nothing had changed for the previous year with him seeing his kids, it was EXACTLY the same, other than me being present when my wife had the kids.
the dad left the house in a mess, holes everywhere, busted everything - it was horrendous. So i decorated the boys room with his favorite football team, he had never had a room decorated before, well to his taste. my wife painted it blue previously. Am i really over stepping the mark by giving a kid a bedroom, the dad thought so and came around in front of the neighbors raging. thats how it has been since...its been a few yrs on and he has said sorry a few times, but tends to fall back to his ways. Believe me i have understood this guy as much as i can - he was raised by raging alcoholics, he had tattoos at 13 - his mum lied and said he was 18. Like he has had a troubled upbringing, but so has alot of people and they dont act this way.
I dont wish to delve into peoples past, but id like you guys to know a few aspects of his character and our circumstances. My son is 1 yrs old, he said the comment about him not being my step sons brother a few months ago. So as you can see, there is a few things going on - To make matters worse his current wife may not be able to have kids.
I know some posters have said i'm the one over stepping the mark, but the dads wife has over stepped massively - actually pretending to be mum and acting as the mum, whereas i tell the dad and the my wife will always put the dad down as a contact etc. The dad signs the kids up to his name only - the kids name is double barreled to my wife's name and his on the birth cert - but now he insists their his kids so they get registered for things as his surname. So all his football trophy's and shirts have just his dads surname and not the joint double barreled name. Do you know how sad that is for my wife? who always uses their birth name - yeah it can be seen as stupid games etc
So i hope you now understand the difficulties with this guy - its obvious he has a problem with me on the scene, since i have been on the scene the kids do less with their mum - which i think is bad.

You are overstepping the mark. I can see that the dad feels pushed out by you.

If this was a stepmum she’d be rippedcto shreds by the mothers.

You are not the dad, you are a stepdad. Therefore you don’t get to dictate things.

The dad doesn’t want you to attend the school. The child has 2 parents - you aren’t one of them. Respect his wishes.

You talk about ‘we went and INVITED the dad. If the dad has PR he has all the rights the mum has.

You say ‘i’ve had it out with him’. You have no place doing this, the mum should be communicating with him, not you.

You say ‘the dad breaks YOUR rules’. Dad doesn’t have to do what you tell him. He has every right to parent how he sees fit.

You say ‘we’ve given him access’. How big of you to allow him to see his own child.

You sound completely controlling and are over stepping the mark. Back off.

I’m a SM and would never dream of acting in this way. Not my place.

Northern from the sound of it the child only has one parent actually parenting, and the other biological parent is a waste of space who doesn't give a toss about his kids...

OPs step son wants him to go, therefore he should go. Why should someone else dictate to the step son who he can and can't take with him to a school event based on passing on a few genetics despite not being there for years of his life, not supporting him and clearly not giving a toss about his happiness (see brother comment). Even just the fact that he's still not bothered about the daughter shows the kind of 'father' the man is.

NorthernSpirit
You obviously have not read the chat - to be making such conclusions. I
But on 'we've given him access' I'm a married man and its natural to talk inclusive of me and my wife. I have explained on numerous messages about the court order my wife set-up as the dad refused to pay or see them.

' Breaks our rules' I think im allowed to say this - every parent has a responsibility to monitor and safe guard their children...Me and my wife cant allow the children to be raised any other way than decent human beings for themselves, for us, for their little brother to aspire too.

I have had it out with him - again read the posts in which i clarify - I have never instigated or started trouble in my life. If a man comes to house causing trouble around my baby, step kids and wife in a manner not suitable for anyone let alone children, I will have it out with them - of course in a manner suitable :)

The comment about if this was a step mum - if the circumstance were the same i dont believe they would get ripped to shreds.

You are very judgmental and angry - Im sure if you knew the reality, the flesh and blood' mindset you have wouldn't stand. As a step mum, im sure you would want the nest for you step kids - its not rocket science to know how catastrophic bad parenting can lead children.
I have had a mix amount of comments I'm just glad some people can see beyond their own emotions to try and pass on valuable advice - btw i thank all the constructive comments.

Why should someone else dictate to the step son who he can and can't take with him to a school event

Because sometimes, seeing the bigger picture as an adult is important? Because children shouldn’t always get what they want just because they want it? Because sometimes ‘best interests’ isn’t necessarily what the child perceives to be best?

Before i close this thread - I will tell you whats happening, as you all put the effort into replying.
My wife wants me to go, simply because I have been the person helping her raise them properly (sorry for haters, but just because you're the biological parent, you don't get instant rights when you're a bad parent)
Unfortunately in our circumstances there has been the police, violence etc so its a safe guarding issue and being an extra vigilante parent to make sure the kids see their dad and bond/have fun etc, but monitor it like a decent parent would and which my wife has done since before I even met her and the Kids)

She is fed up of being dictated too and She ha only allowed it to happen to this extent through her mother being terminally ill this last year.

i personally will give this school thing a miss to look after the baby and step daughter - regardless of my vastly larger parental role to his kids than him. I have attended enough parents evenings when he couldn't be arsed or went out drinking to allow this to bother me.
As one poster said - theres tons of chances I can say yes to my step son simply through knowing how much of a let down his dad is.
So although my wife and step son want me there - I think this time I wont because he is there and i dont want the kids to hear any obscenities like 'were not a real family' coming fro their dads mouth again - the bigger picture is, let the kids grow up and figure what he is like out fully. I think me and my wife can and have nurtured the kids back to feeling like were a family now - yes at one point the kids struggled with my son through their dads comments about him not being their real brother - not behind closed doors, but out in public and when we ring the kids when they are at their dads they dont speak to the baby now :( sux but hey ho. Thanks everyone

going to parents evening

Ohreally, quoting half a sentence is a waste of time.
Its not in his best interests to have someone who doesn't give a shit about his best interests dictating that the person bringing up his child due to him not bothering to can't go.
Fair enough if the biological dad had been parenting from the start. Possibly fair enough if he'd failed initially then got his act together, but he clearly is continuing to be a shit dad and the stepson has asked for the male bringing him up to take him...

Op my dh is step father has been in DS life since the age of 2 he’s almost 10, we also have dc together and I think yabu. Sometimes as step parents you have to take a step back me and ex were the ones who took ds for his first day of school. We get on because other oh don’t get involved and co-parenting relationship is between me and ex with step parents adding a supporting role with DS.

I understand your frustration, but I think you do need to not go. He does sound like he is a consistent and regular Dad now, EOW and sporting events, and the kids parents are their primary figures. When they are older they can have more say. Despite the past, the courts agree to him having unsupervised access and he is not a distant figure.

It’s a hard lesson, but as their step Dad you are second in line. In everything. If the bond is there, it will survive missing some events. Just be there for the day to day needs, including homework, school friends etc.

I had a DSD for years full time, her mother had her for two or three weekends a year! As she found her too hard work. Yet told her daughter to not listen to me and bitched about me so that my DSD totally ignored me. She now never comes around. And yet I was the one helping her every day, School, homework, illness, you name it. So I totally get you.

So to conclude, he is a present dad, but not a good one, at least to your standards, and therefore you think he should back off and let his child have the opportunity to be brought up by you who can do a much better job of it than he can.

The reality is: your wife picked him to have children with. I bet she would give anything for him to disappear and pretend your their father, as clearly you would to. However, you are not.

These children as a less than perfect father, but that doesn't make him LESS of a father. He is still good enough to want to attend a school open day and frankly, that's better than many fathers I know.

You being a good role model and great step dad is indeed accepting that at times, you need to step back and allow these children the opportunities to bond with their father. Yes, it is frustrating that you must feel you get to do all the hard work and gets to enjoy the good parts, but in the end, it is/was your choice to be involved in their lives to that level.

The kids will grow up to be thankful that you were there for them but also that you knew when to back off. You haven't replied as to whether your father was present in your life? I suspect he wasn't, so it was much easier for your own step-dad to take on the role fully. Very different situations.

@retroafro I think you should just go, most of the woman on here are just far too judgemental and I'm sure in the same position they would do the same and just not admit it. If the stepson wants you there I would go, he may feel upset and put out if you don't go and worry how much you care. If the dad wants to kick off let him he is only showing how unreasonable he is

Crossroads18 You resent your dsc op situation is completely different to yours he actually gives a shit!

Yes I see that he gives a shit and that is why I am saying to go, he wants to go and his step son wants him so I think he should
Go regardless of how the dad feels. The dad should respect his step sons thoughts and wishes. My ex husband is happy to go along with my partner as it's for the sake of our son that we all share who wanted both

I also think you should not attend. You are fortunate enough to be able to spend a lot more time with your SS than his real dad but this is one of the times where you do need to allow him his part.

I think this is one of the times when you pick your battles. He wasn't interested in his kids till it looked as if you were more of a dad in their lives than he was. It sounds as if he'd go back to his previous ways if you were no longer on the scene. It's not about the kids. It's a territorial thing with him, with the kids, or rather his son, as a possession that you are taking away from him.

The meet and greet is not really important in the general scheme of things. Plenty of dads/mums have to miss them because they are working or minding younger children. But it's a red rag to a bull for him if you are there, a chance to pick a fight over his 'rights'. Don't rise to it.

His comments over the baby not being a real sibling and kicking up a fuss over what you do as a family are much more concerning. But your dsc know how things really are and as they get older they will be able to understand their father's behaviour and make up their own minds about his motivation. I'd be particularly worried about the effect on your dsd.

Don't get sucked into unnecessary fights. Try to give him credit for what he does do, so as not to undermine his relationship with his son and give your dsd lots of hugs.

To be direct; just go

he’s only making himself look like an idiot, it shouldn’t reflect on you. His choice.

If he wants to make a bad impression at his kids new school, that’s up to him. You go with the mum and be the reasonable couple, the lad will need your support by the sounds of it!

The kids are growing up, theyll remember these things. If he really wanted to bond with his son, then he wouldn’t be behaving the way he is. He’s not interested in either of his kids by the sound of it, he’s just consumed with petty jealously.

I hope he meets someone, or gets himself a hobby in future so that he’s got something else to put his energy into. Good luck

Thymeout
Thank you for your message - you hit the nail on the head, I was sort of worried I wasn't getting the message of it being about him, opposed to the kids. My wife's marriage broke down with him through his raging/anger problems. They married at 18....they were kids...but when the son saw his own dad rag her around by the hair, and smash things up, she had no choice but to file for divorce. He then isolated himself away from the kids and partied for a few years.
He got a new wife etc...the trouble is, i live in a msall community where everyone knows everyone....I actually lived on the other side of the country as I worked contracts that take me around. So when i arrived and everyone got wind of this new guy on the scene through things like the kids talking to their friends about me, that would get relayed to their parents and then to the dad...it was like wild fire and all of a sudden his image as a father was in the spot light.

I was reallu upset with his comments on them not being 'real siblings' that is damaging and it broke my heart for the kids.
I know a lot of posters seem to think the dad is getting pushed out - but its the polar opposite - were getting pushed out of being parents. I have a baby in this environment and i want the best for him - i cant have all this division going on. I will never believe its a bad idea to get with a woman with kids - but it truly is difficult when you have your won child involved in something like this - it wasn't the ideal scenario i had in mind!
Im in my mid 30's and before my wife I saw a woman with a child - it was so easy, me and the dad got on super well, we even worked together on certain jobs funnily enough. It was friendly and balanced, he was a really active dad, i would drop the kid off and we would chat, he would ask for us all to go to events to show the child unity - nobody stepped on each others toes. I have never been the 'boss' in any of these situations as i know i'm not the dad.
If i drop the step-kids off in this situation, dad thinks i'm overtaking - how can i live an ordinary life? I'm only living like any normal person - to their circumstances. My wife might be at work - so i have to take care of kids, or take them places - i dread super market runs in-case i bump into him and he starts chucking his weight around.
How can i raise my own child and two step kids to feel equally cared for and for every child to not feel isolated.

I took step son to boxing the other week, it gave me a headache when step son asked to go - i go to a boxing club, have done for a few years...so he has nagged for months about going along - i refused cus of this - this one day i decided i would bring him along - it was a Monday evening. So in our care - he has never had them mid week and my wife has done alot of clubs mid week without him ever caring - anyways, he somehow found out - during the time we were at the club. so as i got home, he was there raging...like seething! Raged at the son, made him upset, raged at my wife saying he is taking him boxing not me. Its very strange to me, i boxed for years, the Monday night didn't impede anybody, certainly not his time with the son. I never do anything with the kids anymore.

I think i used the school even as the topic, when the reality is - its a constant thing. Man - I want the kids to have a brill rship with their dad, my step daughter has gone from crying about her dad not giving a damn about her, to literally flicking her hair like 'what ever' but i can see its damaged her, she often feels unloved. I use to console her and have a nice rship with her - but all this drama has made me anxious and scared of me own shadow so i have distanced myself.
I also feel like my wife is under huge stress with this all - her mum is living in the annex in our garden on end of life care. Its very difficult to say the least - why cant he try and just get on and not be so territorial?

The weekend just gone he wanted to bring the kids back early - its so inconstant - as much as i love the kids - if they are at their dads, we plan to do things. Like try to get out and have a little focus on our rship as its at the bottom of the priority list lately. understandably with he mum etc

So people pls try and realize were nt the ones dictating here or wanting the kids 24/7 just a civil rship with dad and some real consistency would be nice! :)

Happydays87

I didn't go in the end - The dad apparently was just chatting to some of his mates whilst there. So the step son just came home and chatted to me for ages about what had happened at school etc He asked why i didn't go - i just said only two people were allowed so it had to be his mum and dad...backfired as he saw his mates there with step parents too.

he was a little upset through not having any friends in his form. So gave him the chat about the reality - class time is head down and focus, play time out with your mates and then after school he can see his mates etc. he seems ok now he has that in mind. :)

sm Get it all the time on here, if they are good or not! Single mothers have to do all the work and then have their dc go to dads and have fun!
Your acting as your Mr perfect. My oh does all the things you do but doesn’t act as if he’s a martyr. That his words. Your post just got worse at every criticism your got! You let an abusive man in your house? I guess for the kids sake, but then again you’re damaging there relationship by telling the son his dad doesn’t want you there! Why would you.
You don’t actually state how long you have been together but guessing from you time scale, you got your wife pregnant after a few months.
I’m not saying the dad deserves more or respect, but you have blown in to this family and started acting like it’s all yours.
And do not call them when there with there dad to speak to the lo that is just silly! I would never ever do that, one year olds don’t speak on the phone your just trying to invade dads time! Making you family be respected by a dead beat dad?... does that make sense to you?
You family is important and that can’t be taken away, but expecting others to treat you as certain way isn’t going to ever happen. People are selfish and they have their opinions which you can’t change, it’s like trying to convince my mil that my oh does love me and we are a family, when she still think he’s in love with his ex ( who she hated up until I came on the scene) because they had a ds together, and we have one to but our lo she hasn’t seen and won’t talk about. I don’t like it, but I’m not going to let if affect my life or my family.

You need to chill, you want to delete this thread because you don’t like it anymore, that’s life, you can write a post in such a way that you think your only get positive responses but life’s not black and white and there’s a lot of us who have see both sides! Which so far you haven’t.

GrayDays

I came on here for advice, as i obviously needed it - Deleting the post is what i thought the protocol was. I have never used this site or any forum before.
I'm only writing the truth - i didn't tell the son his dad didn't want me there...in actual fact it came across like i couldn't be bothered to go.
I don't call them when they are with their dad - The kids ring my wife when they are bored or left to their own devices....usually a video call - i don't think its a bad thing if they ASK to see their baby brother. You're insinuating its all done in a malicious way on our part?

I want to know why you think i have blown into this family and think its mine? for a few years i was very sidelined - i.m not the disciplinarian - that has changed slightly since the baby is around, which is logical, if i see bad behavior or unsafe things i have to fix it for the baby's safety.

Acting as mr perfect? Im far from perfect and would never look down on people - any words like 'deadbeat' i have used have a vast reason behind it. alot of people around us have said way worse about him - not through hear say - but what they have physically seen with their own eyes.

You have jumped without thinking and as you say, its not as black and white as your thinking. I don't know you, but i know you have interpreted online messages in the worse possible...thankyou for your time though.

You sound like you are pushing the dad out. It might be through enthusiasm, but if I was the dad I'd hate it