Asvice please

[7flower]

My 16 (nearly 17) year old step son has lived with me and his dad on an amicable shared care arrangement with his mum since he was 4 years old. Me and his dad also have a son now who is 9 and both boys had a lovely relationship, as did we all. But 2 months ago out of the blue, with no trigger and no reason, step son says he never wants to see any of us again. That in itself is bad enough and there are no signs of this improving despite us trying and trying. But my question to you all is - what do I tell my 9 year old? At first we said he was busy with exams and his new girlfriend because we thought he would come round but he hasn’t. My 9 year old is dealing with the sudden loss of the brother he has grown up along side his whole life and who he idolises. He is crying as he misses him so much and I just don’t know what to say. Other than maybe just the truth - that we don’t know why step son won’t see us anymore, and we are sad too, and we will keep trying to see him.? Thanks all

with no trigger and no reason
Of course there was a trigger and a reason. He might not want to share it for whatever reason, or it might have nothing to do with you and your family, or he has tried to tell you but you are not taking in what he has tried to say. Whatever it is, there IS a reason.

Has he cut all contact? Does he feel the same about his brother? Would he agree to see him but not with you/his dad? If so, could you facilitate visitation at grand parents for instance?

I think your OH needs to delve into trying to get to the reason for this sudden rejection and really try to salvage the relationship, even if it means him coming less often. If this really goes nowhere, then you'll have to be totally honest with your DS trying as much as possible not to lay blame.

I feel for your DS so hope that even if it takes time for his dad/you to sort things out, he will agree to see DS independently.

I agree with Swing, OP. Something big has happened to your DSS. You and your DH need to get to the bottom of it.

Does his mum still have a relationship with him? Have you spoken to her?

Something has happened. My initial response is ‘is he ok?’. My second response is has his Mum said something to him? This is a seismic shift and there has to be a reason.

Something major has happened and seriously Sassy why after all this time and a bloody good blended situation - do you have to blame the mother.

Time for all the adults to work together to help him, as they have done for the past 13 yrs.

Where does the OP blame the mother? She doesn’t reference anything to do with the mother?!

Nobody said the OP blames the mum. Sassy asked if his mum had said something.

I'd work on the assumption that there was a trigger. Very few people in the world just decide to cut of family without a reason in their mind.

My 17 year old cut ties with his Dad 10 months ago after 6 years of EOW contact.

While I know why, his Dad doesn't. Ds knows that his Dad won't listen and respect his reasons and will argue and try to disprove every point.

There was a last straw incident involved which sounds insignificant to third parties but when you listen to the other stuff then you'd sympathise with him.

Is there a neutral third party who could facilitate contact between the boys?