Meeting OH children- advice please ?

[Mariposa8]

Hi i'm new to MN and just hoping for some advice or even past experiences from people.

I am in a new relationship (6 months in) and am really happy although i understand things are early days. I have 1 DS and OH has DS & DD. Last month I let him meet my son and they have now seen each other 3 times, my DS father isnt involved so in that respect I was able to decide solely when the right time was for the two to meet.

In relation to my OH children, being part of their life does worry me, i know that is an inevitability and obviously i will be a grown up about it and man up.I do want to be around them just my head overthinks making a good impression and them liking me and I freak myself out. I also know the mum isn't overly keen on me (understandable in a way, as who is best friends with their exes new partner?!?).

I'm not sure however when would be the right time for me to be involved with them, I'm concerned that if i leave it too long it will seem like we are trying to play happy families with my DS and leaving them out. At the same time i don't want to rush into anything and cause issues with OH ex or its just too soon to be around them.

I'm not hoping to rush into this and am just looking for advice on how long it took for you to meet DSC's, how you went about it? or even mum's who's DC's have SM's and what was right for you?

I have never had experience of this with my DS, DSF was violent and I managed to leave 3 weeks before he was born and then he was in a new relationship having a DD when my DS was 6 months old so never had any regular contact since that. I think that has made me even more worried as I'm really concerned about hurting OH ex's feelings as I don't want it to feel like i'm being inconsiderate or stepping on anyones toes. As my Ex’s new partner was pretty vile to me when they announced their relationship.

sorry for the long post... and rambling

Well done OP for thinking this through from lots of perspectives at the start. You’ve covered a lot more than even realised I needed to with my DSC.

You don’t say how old you OHs DC are. This will make a big difference. If they are teens, I would be very cool and laid back. They may never get on with you, but you have to let them decide when, where and how you meet. If they are younger, I’d suggest a meeting on neutral ground, say a casual meeting at a playground or soft play place, so they associate meeting you somewhere fun. Whatever you do, let them be curious about you and don’t be over friendly. Make sure OH introduces you as his GF and on the first meeting I would say you shouldn’t leave together. They may have questions about you they’ll need to ask their DF.

I was introduced to my now DHs DC at a far earlier stage than I would have liked through circumstances out of my control. I was a couple of months into the new relationship and went to stay at his house for the first time. When we got there (it was around 7:30pn) his Ex was there with the kids. She completely blanked me, told my BF he had to take eldest DS somewhere, her mother’s car was outside for him to use and she’d started dinner (spaghetti bol cooking on stove). Then she left. She had her own house and was the RP, but still had a key to the marital home, while it was being sold. She had been the one to leave when their marriage broke up.

I was suddenly left to feed 3 young children (who didn’t know me from Adam) while their DF disappeared taking their brother where he needed to be. Still to this day I don’t know why his DM couldn’t have dropped him off on her way back home. It all felt very odd. My BF was completely shocked and probably should have said something but he’d been put in a rotten position. Anyway I got on with it (I wasn’t going to abandon the kids or expect them to be bundled out into the night at that hour) and when he got back the kids were eating at the table and we were having a giggle.

This set the pattern for our relationship for ages. Every time we arranged to spend an evening or weekend together the DCs would suddenly appear. Apparently Ex’s shift had always been changed at short notice. I felt really sorry for the DCs.

For several years I got on ok with DSC until I moved in four years later and when they hit teenage years things deteriorated with eldest three. I still don’t know why. I have a very limited relationship with the eldest two who have left home and a difficult one with DSC3, but a good one with DSC4.

If I did it again, I’d think seriously about marrying and moving in. I honestly think I’d just keep my own place. And leave my OH to look after his DCs himself.

Forgot to mention. His Ex has an affair, got found out and left for OM. I didn’t meet DH until a year after they’d split up.

Has your OH asked his DC if they'd like to meet you?
My advice would be to meet sooner rather than later. The DC should be given ample time to form a relationship with you, so that by the time that more serious plans (living together, marriage, having children together) are being discussed, the kids are comfortable in knowing that their soon-to-be stepparent is someone with whom they share a mutual affection.
To begin with, meet for short periods of time, but fairly often.
I agree with PP about neutral territory. Start with a film (no pressure for conversation) and let them sit next to your OH. Going for a meal out is also a good place to start. Create opportunities for the children to speak to your OH without you being present. Go to the toilet or go for a walk etc...
It can help to know a little about them. Understanding the activities that interest them (even if it means doing a little research!) and knowing a bit about their favourite sports, foods, and celebrities can provide great topics of conversation so that the first meeting doesn’t feel stiff and uncomfortable.
Resist the urge to include your DS in the first meeting.
Limit displays of affection.
Don't buy anything for his DC for the first few meetings.

It makes all the difference how old the 3 of them are.

My approach when I first met my DSD, who was 7, was just that I was Daddy's girlfriend and very pleased to meet her. I put no weight on the relationship. It was very low key. I wanted her to feel I was safe and no trouble. Her DM was very volatile, to put it politely, and I didn't want to add to any angst. It worked. We have an amazing relationship, many years later.

Oh, yes, and no snogging. Think friend rather than girlfriend.

Thanks everyone for your replies, really appreciated.

My DS is 6 and OH’s are 4 and 2. Really helped me decide on what to do as I was originally planning on leaving it longer as some things I have read say wait a year. But I can see the benefit of it happening sooner than that now. His children don’t know about me at all yet to ask to meet me and obviously they are still quite young (especially the two year old). From everyones advice I think I’ll get him to discuss it with them so they are aware of me and then go to the park with them for an hour or so to start the initial meet.

Thank you all so much for the help, I don’t know anyone else that has been in this position except for with teen step children so the insight really helped

It might help being introduced as just 'Daddy's friend' rather than GF. Heaven-forbid something happens and your relationship doesn’t last – don’t put that on the DC. Friendships fade all of the time (unfortunately) so it wouldn’t be alarming to his DC if Daddy’s friend stopped coming around as often. However, if Daddy has a girlfriend, there’s a lot more pressure for a relationship to form. It’s not as natural, and it is much higher on the DCs radar than a simple friendship.

Rice is right. When I look back I think that's how my relationship with my DSD started off. It's just that in our case we decided marriage was on the cards very soon after I met her DF so the basis of the relationship changed too - which I'd forgotten when I gave you my advice, Mariposa. I became daddy's girlfriend within a few months.

In our case it was definitely a good thing because my DSD's home life was chaotic and just having another stable adult in her life was a major plus. And when I committed to DH I committed to DSD too.

At those ages please consider being daddies friend. They are too young to understand anything more.

Maybe meet at the park. And take a picnic.

I agree no snogging or being touchy feely

Agree with PPs to just be introduced as a friend. Also might be worth your DP telling his Ex about you.

The DCs will likely mention you to their DM and your DP should let her know he is seeing someone. So that it’s not a shock if the kids say something.

Thanks everyone, yeah we aren’t touchy feely infront of my DS so wouldn’t be infront of them. I’m not really keen on it in front of anyone really so it won’t be hard lol.

Daddy’s friend is fine, that’s how it was with my DS although he already suspects it’s more as I dont have any male friends that I see regularly, except family so he kind of has worked out it’s more. (He likes to sing the K-I-S-S-I-N-G song to us and ask OH if he is going to marry me.... kids are the best )

OH ex partner knows about me already and has known for a while, I wouldn’t meet his DC’s without her knowing and agreeing it. That stuff is a discussion between them, she has said she knows at some point I will be in DC’s life to OH but discussion of when or how has never happened.