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Step-parenting

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Original poster

to not want to be stuck in the middle?

24 replies

GreenTriangleGirl · 29/06/2018 11:45

Been with DP for 4 years, he has DD, 7. She's a beautiful kind girl who is a welcome addition to our family. I'm 22 weeks pregnant with mine and DPs first. DP went through court last year to get set access to DD, it's working well and she's here weds-sun every other weekend. DPs ex was not happy about this and only wanted her to be with us every other Saturday and Sunday. The courts ruled against this and said that weds-sun is a good arrangement. As I said, it works.

Whenever they have any sort of argument, she's not resorted to texting me to ask me to speak to him. I passed on to message to which he has returned her text stating that she needs to contact him directly. He isn't a difficult person, but stands his ground when they disagree (for example she told him that she wasn't to have ice creams from an ice cream van as you can get sick from them, he disagreed and she text me asking me to talk to him about it). Yesterday was the last straw. I told her that she needs to stop texting me and speak to my DP instead. She had a massive go and told me that when I have my own baby I will understand what it's like to not be able to protect my child!! My unborn baby is very sick, and I know exactly how it feels to not be able to protect my baby.

I'm at a loss. I'm stuck in the middle of a battle between two parents and I'm the one that DSD talks to about things because she knows her parents don't get on.

What do I do? I know it's such a vague question but it's been like this for a while now and I'm so ground down by it...

OP posts:
Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 29/06/2018 11:47

You need to block her number. No reason at all that she should have it.
Your dh needs to deal with her.
End of.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 29/06/2018 11:52

Unless she believes her child is at risk of significant harm then she needs to keep quiet.

It’s a harsh reality that you lose the control over your kids in these circumstances.

I would tell your dp to text:

From today I only wish to communicate with you via email. This is the address. I will check it on a xxxx and xxxx.

If there is ever a medical emergency please call my mother/brother on 98754333

This is due to the recent stress caused by text contact.

SoddingUnicorns · 29/06/2018 11:52

Absolutely agree you need to block her. She needs to deal with your DP not start on you when you’re pregnant especially!

SoddingUnicorns · 29/06/2018 11:54

Oh and if ice cream from the van is her idea of having to protect her child she needs to get a fucking grip!

Some of us have actual concerns re NRP not properly caring for our children, and find it very hard to be heard in court because of ridiculousness like this!

Fucking ice cream? I’ve heard it all.

PrettyLovely · 29/06/2018 11:56

Why does she have your number if you dont want her to text you?
Was his contact with the child not very good up until meeting you? Only if he is playing happy families because you are encouraging of him having a relationship with his daughter then I can see her worry.
But not allowing her to have an icecream sounds silly and like she is struggling with not having control, My dhs ex was like this.

Original poster
GreenTriangleGirl · 29/06/2018 11:59

@PrettyLovely she has my number from when we all went away and she wanted our numbers in case she needed to get in touch. I didn't mind at all. He's always had good contact with her. They were together until a year before we got together and as far as I can tell he's always had her every other weekend. He's a good dad and his world revolves around her. She's not in danger, she's not sad. She's a happy little girl who has never shown any signs of distress! She likes being here...

OP posts:
Original poster
GreenTriangleGirl · 29/06/2018 12:09

I actually cried when I got the message about not knowing what it's like to not be able to protect my child. I'm not a crier but it was a sharp dig considering what I'm experiencing right now.

OP posts:
PrettyLovely · 29/06/2018 12:09

Oh really, Well you need to be firm with her and tell her you dont mind her having your number for emergencys but that you dont want to be dragged into their disagreements.
I get it its annoying my dhs ex used to do it all the time sending messages trying to control our home life, I wouldnt ever give her my number though, I think people like that you are better off keeping at arms length.

SoddingUnicorns · 29/06/2018 12:10

Does she know about the complications with your pregnancy OP? If so it was a very low blow. If she doesn’t it was still a bit snide, especially since there doesn’t seem to be anything her DD needs protecting from besides the ice cream van!

Original poster
GreenTriangleGirl · 29/06/2018 12:11

@SoddingUnicorns I suppose she didn't so maybe it wasn't meant to be as cutting as it was but ouch it hurt.

OP posts:
SoddingUnicorns · 29/06/2018 12:12

I still think it wasn’t a decent or fair thing to say tbh. Do you have RL support for what you’re going through?

Does she tell your DP what his DD does when she’s with her or does it only work one way?

Original poster
GreenTriangleGirl · 29/06/2018 12:14

@SoddingUnicorns she doesn't, but he doesn't expect it. He lets them get on with their life and he asks her when he sees her what she's been up to. It's tough for him and he misses her like mad but he has accepted that his time is his time.

OP posts:
SoddingUnicorns · 29/06/2018 12:16

She’s being a complete hypocrite then, and she needs to be told, in no uncertain terms, that harassing you is not on.

She sounds very controlling.

Original poster
GreenTriangleGirl · 29/06/2018 12:44

@SoddingUnicorns Sad

OP posts:
SoddingUnicorns · 29/06/2018 13:37

I hope things improve for you OP it sounds like you’re in an impossible position Flowers

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 29/06/2018 13:42

Definitely block her. When she doesn’t get a reply she’ll have to text him directly again. You don’t need the stress of this and can tell her that if you want to be kind, but personally I’d just block and stay out of it.

Hope you and your baby are ok x

NorthernSpirit · 29/06/2018 16:23

She sounds a complete control freak.

Ignore messages from her (don’t respond and don’t fuel her fire).

What dad does in his time she has absolutely no say in. Just like dad has no say in what she does.

The ice cream message is ridiculous!

One of the posters above gave some good advice. Your OH should tell her that from now on communication is to be via email only. My OH had this weaves into his contact order as his controlling vitriolic EW would dictate orders on scraps of paper, via the children (6 & 9 at the time) and bus pages of ranting texts. She’s now only allowed to communicate via email.

Your OH needs to break her control and emotional attachment.

Madlife · 12/07/2018 11:12

I hope everything goes well with the baby, please block her and don't let her bullshit splash you. Your baby needs a happy and calm mother right now. :) xxxxx

Quartz2208 · 12/07/2018 13:42

Tell him to contact her and to stop being so difficult (any sentence that states he isnt a difficult person but I think indicates that he is a little for her). Why did you tell her to speak to your DP rather than telling him to deal with it.

As much as you say its working if the two of them cant be civil to each other it is a problem THEY need to solve not you. Your stepdaughter is also being effected by it and the point scoring standing ground has to stop - they (and your DP) need to pick the battles and the correct one. You just block

Sorry about your pregnancy as well it must be tough to deal with

Wdigin2this · 14/07/2018 23:29

I wouldn't ever have given my number to my DH's EW....why would you?

Teggun · 17/07/2018 12:41

I have posted on another thread about ex having SM contact detail. My opinion here is the opposite to my opinion then. Block her and don't engage. She is being unreasonable and it is for your DP to handle.

Her comment about protecting her child was bonkers and trying to manipulate you.

You are feeling vulnerable for very good reason by the sounds of it. Block her. Focus on your pregnancy and the lovely relationship you have with dsd Flowers.

Teggun · 17/07/2018 12:56

I wouldn't ever have given my number to my DH's EW....why would you?

Funnily enough Wdigin2this many blended family members have each others contact details and phone numbers. Some of us 'exes' are quite civilised you know.

Madlife · 17/07/2018 13:05

She asked for mine and after meeting her in person I told my partner to say that I rather not give it to her. I wish I have done the same with my MIL lol

Lolipop44 · 18/07/2018 19:14

Contact with my DSS mum started like this and at first it was weird for me but as DSS is with us half the time and i am his main care giver here DH was constantly being called or text at work passing messages to and throw and getting fed up with it he passed my number onto her fast forward 10 years between us we've raised a smashing 13 year old who makes us all proud and have built a very good friendship. She has always been extremely grateful and i did put myself in her shoes and could see why she would worry about him but eitj team work & helping each other he's had a great childhood with us all getting on and no drama and I've gained a new friend so win win. I do know not all ex's and stepmoms can get on but i definitely recommend giving it a go if only for the kids involved. Really hope everything is ok with your baby. All the very best

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