Should we go for full custody of my step-son if he's being abused by his step-father?

[titsalina]

My dss is 8 now, and for the last five years since I've been with dh there have been constant battles over access, and over dss's education/behaviour/emotional state. The ex has another son with her husband, who apparently is violent and abusive towards everyone in their household. I finally persuaded my dh last year to go to court, and we now have contact orders in place (which the ex frequently violates) and an order that dss should go to therapy, which he still isn't doing. A couple of days ago, dss was excluded from school for beating up and threatening other kids in his class. The ex called dh in and insisted that we take dss immediately because she was "worried about what my husband would do to him when he gets home." I love my dss and want to protect him, but would it be the right thing to do to go nuclear and file for full custody? DH and I have two daughters (2 and 4), and not much space in our house. And I'm worried that if we "took dss away from his mother" we'd be seen to be the baddies. Help!

I think you need to speak to your solicitor to ascertain whether he/she thinks you have enough evidence to support such an application.

From a moral point of view, I think you have little choice as it appears that the child is in physical and emotional danger.

i think you need to speak to dh's ex. maybe give her the help and support she needs to leave this horrible man rather than going for custody?

i tend to agree with freckle

this sounds harsh but the kid's welfare does come first. She CAN just walk out. He can't, without putting himself into care (and an 8 yo prob wouldn't do that, he'll love his dad and think this behaviour is normal).

If there is actually an order in place for therapy...that MUST make it much more straightforward, surely?

You sound lovely, it is wonderful that you are so keen to help your dss.

Thanks for your comments.

The order for therapy should make things simpler but doesnt'. We don't have contact during the week, so can't take him to therapy. On the very morning that dss attacked his classmates, his mother sent an email saying "he doesn't need therapy - I can't be bothered to take him - you take him if you think it's so important." Turns out SHE's got time to go to therapy every Monday "to help me decide whether or not to divorce". She's nearly got divorced three times over the last four years - telling the kids it's going to happen and that they're moving house, and then changing her mind. (BTW if anyone's tempted to feel sorry for her, she's living in a £1.8 million house that my husband walked away from without a penny because she threatened never to let him see his son if he tried to get any money out of her!)
This time around, she's asking the kids to make the decision about the divorce. So my dss is wishing it would happen, but when her other son says no, she changes her mind again...

she shouldn't be asking her kids to make that sort of decision.

i think you need to sit down with her and put it bluntly. you either leave that horrible violent man or we filing for full custody and it is very likely that we will get it.

We've voiced our concerns to the Ex and told her she needs to do something about this. She's sent back an email saying that there is no violence, no swearing, no shouting at all at home, and that her husband is a picture of kindness and reason, who only ever has nice things to say about my dh. I KNOW that none of this is true. If it were, why did she insist that we take dss on Wednesday night after being excluded from school because she was "worried about what my dh will do to him"? But if she's going to insist this is the case, it's just her word against her 8 yo son. Who is going to be believed?

Oh, and it turns out dss is supposed to be spending the rest of half term with his step-father (who he claims hits him and humiliates him) without his mother being present at all... Do we deliver him up meekly or keep hold of him??

Agree with Freckle, you are considering what any kind hearted person would.

However, there is the matter of your own life, future. The impact that this will make on your own family and extended family.

Think very hard about it as it will open some very deep wounds between you and dh when it all gets too tough - and it will!

The same sort of thing happened to my brother, he was denied acces for about 7 years to his children from his first wife, then he saw them possibly twice a year and then when my DN was 13 DB had call from ex saying DN in trouble could he come and stay for a few weeks, DB and SIL said that if he came they wanted hime to stay until after GSCE's which he did, was very trouble boy when arrived and now is lovely. By the sounds of it same sort of situation but younger, think about it seriously but sounds like you could offer a much more stable life for him,

Considering the impact on "my" family wouldn't come into it for me - dsd is part of my family so we just deal with whatever comes our way.

It really sounds like his mum is letting him down badly. If if were my child I'd have no hesitation hanging onto him, there is no way I'd let him go and live in what I knew to be an abusive household. What does your husband think? And what does your dss have to say about things?

Then Surfer, you havent considered it!

Lack of consideration on your part could cause more damage to the child and to your own relationships. The though is noble to not consider the possible consequences and whether you are strong enough to cope not just with your own problems brought by your knee jerk thoughtfulness but everyone elses too.

Dont think that the ex will just leave it all alone too.

Poor boy. I think you should get legal advice and consider trying to get full custody. It's the right thing to do, morally.

Talk to your family as well as they need to be supportive of you as it won't be easy. My SIL ended up confronting the local boys who sold DN drugs to get them to stop it (she is a very tough cookie) and had to be very tough with him. She also had to deal with her DSD pregnancy at 16, them stealing their credit cards to buy stuff, ended up having to lock up everything away and taking keys with them. And to top it all her other DSD arrived, with drug and alcohol problems, depression and suicidal, so three step children with problems plus 2 small boys of her own to look after.

This has all had an effect on her DS1 who was 18 months to 3 when all this was happening so please also think carefully about the effect this will have on your children.

Having said that all three of her DSC are just about OK now, DN good jopb in London and girlfriend who he has been with for 4 years, DNieces, older one still quite selfish and has 2 children and younger one has been through the tunnel and come out the other side, I also have to say that it was 90% my SIL contributions that have done this

Yes

There are lots of problems involved, it isn't an easy option and you'll need lots of support and help, but I don't really think you've got any alternative, have you?

I do think that you need to act to help this little boy