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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Ex, Step-mom and Custody

16 replies

YSPA · 28/06/2018 21:27

My ex and i have a 11year old son - we "have" 60/40 custody in place but he has been working in a different state since last summer. The courts didn't higher the $3000+ support even though i pretty much have full custody going on. They agreed that our son spends most of school breaks with him.

My ex got married to his partner last year, they had been together since our son was a toddler so he and his step-mom get on really really well, he loves her to pieces and also calls her mom which i pretend not to hear lol but that's his choice.

But, for some reason, my ex thinks it's ok for his wife to have our son during his custody days while he's working/living away and she is in town. I really don't agree with this and he thinks i'm being awkward / money grabbing but my custody agreement is between my ex and i not me and his wife.

I don't mind that she takes him out to dinner some nights and to see a movie but i want my ex to step up a little and take responsibility for a change. I'm sick to death of going to court over silly things and ideas.

Am i being awkward or just in my mind how i see it, wishful that my son had a decent dad who was seeing him when he should be.

OP posts:

Teggun · 28/06/2018 23:38

How would stopping your son spending time with his SM, make his dad be more 'decent'?

I have no idea if your ex is shirking his responsibilities or avoiding spending time with his DS, but stopping a positive relationship with someone he is clearly close to, does sound like you are being awkward. I presume from your post that your son wants to go?

Kingsclerelass · 29/06/2018 00:14

If your ds is happy to spend time with his step-mom, she takes good care of him and your ex is happy for this to be the routine on his days, I don’t think you should object.

It sounds as though you are either jealous of their relationship which I understand but is a little bit petty, or you are trying to control your ex despite being apart for more than a decade.
Your ex has moved on and created a new family unit in which your son feels comfortable.
I know it can be difficult (my ex has a v annoying new woman) but why not use the time for yourself, make some new friends, or see some old ones. I run, cook non-child food and have friends round to supper on the weekends my ds is away.

Greendayz · 29/06/2018 09:02

I think it depends what length of times you're talking about really, and whether your ex knows well in advance when he'll be away for work. I look after my DSC for bits of time when DH is working and this has included a few days at a time when he's been away for work. But often this has come up at quite short notice. DH's ex isn't entirely happy about it, but not so much so that she's prepared to cancel her plans in order to have them herself usually - though DH would give her the option if it was more that a single night away.

If it's the odd night here and there, or just the daytime that she's caring for your DS whilst his dad works then I think that's fair enough. He's allowed as a parent to choose childcare while he works, and lovely that DS gets on so well with his DSM.

However if he's going on a two week court-ordered access visit and spends the entire time with his DSM not his dad, then that doesn't really sound ok to me. Not if you're around yourself and would like him with you. I'm not sure about the States, but in the UK as step parents don't get parental rights - meaning there might be difficulties if the stepmum had to seek medical care for DS when neither of his parents were around.

Teggun · 29/06/2018 09:13

But many children spend holidays with people other than their parents Greendayz. Grandparents or other relatives don't have PR either.
OP hasn't given any real objections other than frustration that her ex isn't steppi g up.

Bluebell878275 · 29/06/2018 14:22

I think your ex is doing exactly what he would do if you were still together - he's going off for work and is leaving his child home in the care of his mum/step-mum. Your child and his step-mum love each other, they are a family. I think it's perfectly fine for your child to be there if his dad isn't.
You have a relationship with your son, your ex and his wife have a relationship with your son - neither take away from each other. I think you have to understand that the wife is part of your son's family and their relationship should be allowed to blossom even if dad isn't there.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 30/06/2018 20:47

I'm struggling to see a problem here. Your DS has a DSM and when he's staying with his DF he spends some of the time with just his DSM. Of course he does. She's not some stranger, she's his stepmother. Clues in the name.

Happy relationships with his DF and DSM can only help your DS to flourish. You should be grateful this loving woman is part of your DS's life and wants to have a good relationship with him. She and his DF might go on to have a baby and your DS will cope with that much better if he's close to her.

SandyY2K · 01/07/2018 20:06

I see your issue here. Custody is for the parent to spend time with their child....not the stepparent.

Your Ex is doing what a lot of men do...putting their career before their DC and leaving the wife to do it all the childcare.

Is your son close to his dad? Do they have a good relationship?

Bluebell878275 · 01/07/2018 20:30

'Custody' is not just for the parent...it's for the family as a whole. For the amount of time the step-mum has been in his life, the kid knows no different. She's not a new addition, she is a staple part of the kid's life. Contact is for their relationship just as much as it is with his dad..it would be the same if there were siblings involved too on that side.

SandyY2K · 02/07/2018 10:06

If the dad and stepmum divorced, she has no right in law to see him.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 02/07/2018 10:15

But if the SM and her DSC become close they will want to see her, Sandy. Eventually, as in my case, the SM may become a DSGM. My relationship with my DSD has lasted over 30 years now.

Bluebell878275 · 02/07/2018 10:25

If the dad and stepmum divorced, she has no right in law to see him

What's that got to do with anything?

Prawn That's lovely! I would hope for the amount of time I have been in my DSD's life our relationship would still continue if anything happened between her Dad and I. I think some people struggle to grasp how deep a bond can be between a step-parent and the child despite not being blood-related.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 02/07/2018 10:29

We didn't get divorced, Bluebell. My DH died. My DSD and I enjoy talking about him as she remembers him better than my DSs. She and her DBs - my DC - are very close too.

Thebluedog · 02/07/2018 10:36

I’m going to go against the grain here a little and agree with op. Contact is for the parents to spend time with children and also the children to spend time with both their parents. It’s great he gets on well with his SM, and his routine remains the same but what about his relationship with his DF. His DF has a responsibility towards his DC.

Contact isn’t just about giving the other parent ‘time off’ or money, it’s about the child having a relationship with both their parents, and he’s not going to get that if his DF is away on his contact days.

Bluebell878275 · 02/07/2018 10:51

Sorry to hear that Prawn It's wonderful that you and her have remained so close to share memories. You are a family even if not connected by blood

HeckyPeck · 02/07/2018 12:36

How long is he away for whilst she has him? If it's more than a night and he isn't seeing him at all then I can see why you'd be unhappy with it.

The courts would have agreed the majority of holidays with him because they'd have thought he would actually be there.

What do you think the courts would say if you took it back to them?

Happydays87 · 03/07/2018 08:41

A point of view from the “other side”. I pick my SD up on Fridays from her mums, or from school. We work together quite well these days (I took her a bottle of wine the other week so she could chill out in the evening while I did the childcare!)

My OH goes out running competitively some weekends, he may be away for work sometimes as well. My SD and I take the opportunity to watch movies (no dad hogging the remote!!), have popcorn, go shopping, walk the dog, we read books together, we bake, we have a great time. SD is happy and so am I.

If someone said I wasn’t allowed to have that relationship any more, I’d feel like my family had been taken away. It would really hurt our lives, and I think it would affect us all (including the mum!) as we might not be able to be so flexible.

Grab yourself that bottle of wine and go with the flow. If your son/daughter is happy then everything is fine.

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