OK first off I am aware that this is not necessarily my problem to solve as such, and it should be between her dad and her mum, but I am involved in it all, mainly as DH is not the best at recognizing emotional blackmail and he was really upset over some things that have been threatened and was really worried about some stuff that is just, bollocks really.
So DSD has been having huge problems with her mum for a while now. She stays with us Friday-Sunday every week and always comes over in a sullen mood because there has been yet another big blow up. Her dad has said for a while that if things are too much at home, she is more than welcome to come here, to live if thats what she wants or even just for a bit of a break. So this Friday after school, there was yet another big row, where DSDs mother said, and I quote (and this has been verified by the other people who were there) 'Why don't you fuck off to your dads and live, I am sick of the shit I get from you and can't be arsed anymore, pack your bags'
So DSD did. Her mum then rang DH and basically said DSD is coming to live with you, and he said that was fine. We checked DSD had thought it all through properly (eg. Almost all her friends are from near her mums, and we live a 30 min bus ride away so it would be a bit more awkward for her, and the school bus will take longer and she won't be on with her friends) and such. DH then contacted her mother and told her that DSD had decided that she will do what she was told and stay here. Then the threats started.
Firstly he had her threatening him with her family. That didn't bother him at all.
Then there was threats that she would kill herself as her head was all over the place.
Then threats that she would take him to court and the judge would order that DSD had to go home and all access rights would be taken away (there is not court ordered access anyway because they sorted it between themselves being on good terms). I told him this was utter bollocks, because he was getting quite upset thinking it may be true. I told him no judge would order a teenage child that she had to live fulltime somewhere where she does not want to be, and especially somewhere it seems she is being emotionally abused. We did not know the full extent of how she has been treat at home, as shes been threatened against telling us.
Then threats that she would contact CSA and tell them he does not pay maintenance. However he does make payments to her (not via CSA) and also buys all the school stuff and such and clothing that they need, along with giving them a bit of spending money for at home, as she refuses to give pocket money and such, which is obviously entirely her choice.
Then threats that the others would not be coming here anymore. Which again upset him but I pointed out that DSS1 is 16 so will just come anyway with or without his mothers approval, he is not a child really. DSD2 is a bit more complicated as she is 10 so could not come on her own, and its obviously no good for the kids if DH was to go to the house to pick her up and their mother started bawling and shouting and the kids basically became a tug of war rope, they don't need to see their parents fighting, yet if he did not stand up to her, DSD would feel as if she wasn't wanted too. So for her, if she really was that awkward, it would have to go via the courts. However, I already knew that everything she was threatening him with was bollocks in reality. So whilst explaining that on the slim chance she goes through with it, she could not stop him from seeing the kids indefinitely anyway, we also knew its extremely unlikely. Which was proven by the next tactic she tried.
Next came, well if you want DSD living there, you can take the others aswell. Which was not a threat at all really as DH said that would also be fine. Yeah we would need to move to a larger place but if the others want to come they are more than welcome.
Then came, that she would lock DSD in the house if she ever came back to see her. This is the only one I think she would actually do. So now, its all quite up in the air as DSDs plan was to wait a week or so until things calmed down a bit, and then go talk to her mother, but she is adamant she is not going back to live there, but she said she would stay a night or a couple of nights per week. And now she says she doesn't want to go there at all. Which is the part thats causing problems really as DH does think she should have some form of contact with her mother. But at the same time he won't tell her she HAS to go if she doesn't want to. I am on the fence about this part so am pretty useless.
Then we were back to suicide threats.
Then she said that DH should have told DSD she was not welcome here except for on weekends, which is so fucking harsh it really annoyed me. What father would do that?! Only a bad one, IMO.
Finally, she now says she will refuse to let the other children into the house when they go home tonight. DH says if thats what happens then they just come back here, thats fine.
So yeah, an interesting few days. And I did not realise how emotionally manipulative she was. I understand it must be hard if your child decides they want to live with the other parent, I really do. I tried putting myself in her shoes though and couldn't actually do it as I cannot imagine myself ever talking to the kids like that and saying they had to get out of my house, then behaving like a child when they said ok.
What I want really is some advice, or someone to tell me they have been in a similar situation. How on earth do we deal with this now?
Obviously DH is not willing to tell DSD she has to see her mother while her mother is going with all of these threats, and he wouldn't tell her she HAS to anyway. He has already said he will encourage her to do so if this all calms down, but he won't force her. I think some space apart might do them the world of good tbh as I had a similar situation myself at a very similar age. Me and my mum were clashing badly and there was just constant arguments when we were in the same room, and then finally she told me to get out and I went straight to my dads. In my case I had no contact with my mother for almost 6 months because things never seemed to calm down. However when I did start having contact again, after the initial awkward phase thats to be expected, our relationship was so much better and we have got on brilliantly ever since then.
So yeah, any advice, or even criticism of our choices and such so far is more than welcome.