8yo DSD stole ring from her friends house last night..how do we handle it

[MrsTucky]

Hi guys.....I really need input on how you'd handle this situation.

My 2 DSD have lived with us for 9 months now as their mum was sent to prison on drug charges. We're going through court to keep them permanently as they suffered neglect with their mum (who's out of prison now)

Anyway, my DS2(who's VERY close to DSD)told us last night that DSD (8) had stole a ring from her friends house, because she'd seen it last time she was in there, she liked it, so went back and took it. Apparently she was very impressed with herself.

Whilst we were talking about it, DSD1 (10YO) told us that DSD2 told her on Saturday that she'd seen the ring and that was wanted it, so was planning on taking it next time she went in their house.

She knows its wrong to steal, so I don't understand why she'd do this. She's normally such a well behaved child. If anything, its DSD1 we have all the trouble with (are seeing psychologists in June as DSD1 used to eat her own poo which I made a posting about on Special Needs, under the name of Stephanie 1970 if anyone wanted to read about it).

DSD2 told us a few months back that DSD1 stole some sweets whilst we were in Asda, and she was explained to how its wrong to steal etc etc. So she def knows what's right and what's wrong behaviour.

We're planning on taking her to see the friends parents to give the ring back, and make her apologise.....but what do we say to DSD2. I mean what sort of punishment should she get. DO we shout at her, or talk calmly. The little minx knew exactly what she was doing..and I don't like it that she could be so devious, and premeditated..(if they're the right words to use).

She was asleep in bed last night when it all came out, so my DH and I will deal with it tonight. Btw, my DH and I stand united on all things regarding our 4 chidren. We're a strong unit.

I'm really hoping you can give me advise on how you'd handle the situation...I don't want to go in all guns blazing in case we make matters worse...but nor do I want for her to think she can do these things and her only punishment would be to get a little gentle talking to about the rights anbd wrongs.

Thanks in advance guys xx

Hmmm that is a tough one. Must have been a shock. I hope the shame of being made to face the other parents will stop her doing this ever again.

I wouldn't necessarily shout but I would be firm and use an authoritative voice accepting no excuses. Stick to the theft, don't let her drag other issues in to cover herself.

Point out that 10 is the age of criminal responsibility so if the other parents told the police, there would be an investigation and she might face charges or have to accept an official caution, which would stay on her records (for ever, if she ends up doing the sort of paid or voluntary work that requires an enhanced criminal records bureau check).

I think that premeditation warrants strong sanctions. I would think about warning her that if she ever does anything like this again you (both of you) will go to the police. And impose a heavy punishment suitable for her age - don't have a 10yo so not sure whether that would be grounding/ no after school activities/washing the car for a month or whatever.

I absolutely agree that you shouldn't go in with all guns blazing. It sounds like the poor children have been through hell, and they are very lucky to have you providing them stability now. IMHO, I don't think this is necessarily realted to taht though, and I think it can be something that is fairly common.
I've been having the same problem with my dd who is nearly 7, and also well aware that stealing is wrong, but started to take things she liked the look of. This included a ring from a friend's house, and sweets from a supermarket. We sat down with her and told her how dissapointed we were in her behaviour and how wrong it was. We explained about what would happen to her if she carried on doing such things when she was older. Then about a week later we started giving her pocket money so that she had her own money for things that she liked so she didn't feel the need to steal them.
It is aboslutely horrible to have to deal with your own child stealing, I hope you get it sorted quickly.

Oh, sorry, muddled ages up, see it's the 8yo who took the ring, not the 10yo, so scratch the stuff about criminal responsibility.

I agree with Edam - you're right that a gentle talking to is not enough, but it doesn't have to be a shouting match. Be emphatic and forceful - she has to realise now that it is completely unacceptable. I think it should all be fairly short and swift, because it's possible it was an attention-seeking device (which would explain her actions if she knows right and wrong etc), in which case giving her loads of attention over it will make the crime a success for herIYSWIM. And yes, some sort of grounding/loss of TV type punishment - but something that she will really mind. What a nightmare for you - good that you and DH are united.

Thanks so much for the replies guys.

Me and DH were up for ages last night talking about it, not knowing what to do for the best. I had golliwobbles in my tummy just thinking about it, with a stressy of a headache..(God, I'm sounding like my DS's now..lol) Thank god for MN !!

All the kids get their own pocket money, and my DSD's even have a large amount saved up. They know that if they ever want to buy something with their savings, they are allowed. DSD1 even bought herself some Healy's a little while ago. So it's not like they don't have access to their own money.

The attention seeking thing makes perfect sense. Just the other day DSD2 and I were talking about how DSD1 was always in trouble lately. So perhaps the little one is going along the lines of negative attention is still SOME attention.

I will warn her that if she does it again, then the police will prob. end up getting involved. Don't want to scare her off the police, but surely a little fear is ok to warn her off from doing it again?

I'm dreading going up there tonight to apologise to the parents. The father is soo far up his own arse....he's going to totally love this, and look right down his nose at us. He may even ban my little SD from playing with his daughter again, which would be awful as little SD doesn't have any other friends.

What sort of punishment do you think exactly?? My 2 sons are almost 15 and 13, so I can't remember punishments for an 8 yo. I want it to fit the crime,.... not too severe or OTT, but not too lenient either. Grounding, def. How long. Do I bar her from PC, DS also?? If so, for how long. I'm always wary because of their background that I'm not treading on eggshells, and that they're getting adequate punishments. But like I said, I don't want to go OTT.

I'm totally chewed up about this, and i know DH is too. I'm still in a state of shock, that my sweet little DSD2 could do such a thing. I didn't think she had it in her to do something as bad as that.

As a punishment could you not take her round and make her do the apology? May make her realise the seriousness of her actions and show her the shame that is involved with stealing?

Agree that OTT punishments would probably just make the whole situation worse.

Sorry - only read your latest post so didn't see you'd suggested that yourself in the op. If it is an attention thing then you don't want a prolonged punishment that will give her negative attention for a long time.

Have no idea on timescales, but at 8 I'd say couple of days punishment and then start trying to reward good behaviour?

Wanted to say thanks for helping me about this.

My DSD accepted her punishment and apologised willingly to her friend's father, who surprised me by being REALLY understanding and nice about it. He's not going to stop them playing together, for which I'm so happy about as this is her only friend here.

I think she learnt her lesson. So thanks for the advise guys