My Depression is triggered by my Step-Children

[dtrkers]

Hey everyone,

I have been in a fully committed relationship for the past 8 years. He has two girls starting Grade 3 and 6 when we met. I went through all this trouble to make sure that we had the children every other week, so that he could spend as much time with his kids as he could and make them feel comfortable in our new home.
Now they are 16 & 19.
My relationship with the youngest is great most of the time, she calls me MoM and stalks to me about her life. We relate to each other really well.
The oldest, just annoys me to know end, I have tried everything to have a decent relationship with her, but unless it is on her terms I feel like she hates me. She doesn't clean up after herself, her room is always a mess, she won't help out around the house, she is un-hygienic and the list goes on. She thinks she is so privileged and should be given everything she wants and scoffs at you when you put some boundaries and rules down. It has been like this since the beginning. Now that she is 19 and gets her schooling completely free, because we as parents worked are butts off so she...... and she still is not appreciative of anything we do/ I do. Her Dad treats her like a princess and when I snap he snaps on her but things don't change.
I'm fed up. I feel bad but I don't want her living here anymore, this is not her house, she is 19 and with no respect, she should be out there figuring it out like all kids do when the become adults.

I don't know what to do, I get anxiety when she is around and even when we try to have a conversation because she always thinks she right, never apologies and rolls her eyes on ever topic.
I want to leave this relationship because after 8 years I'm fed up and I definitely should not be taking care of an adult at this point.

Sometimes I get to the point were I completely withdraw and go into a depressive state for days, until they go back to there moms, We are currently on a two schedule. I love my fiancee, and our lives are so intertwined it would be hard to separate it. We are so happy when the kids are not around and have so much to love each other for.

When the youngest gets on my nerves she at least apologizes and is thankful for everything we do.

To boot we are suppose to go on a family trip this summer, I don't believe she deserves to come, but I don't trust her in my house without someone around, but the trip is expensive and I don't think dad will change the locks, and she definitely would defy us if we told her she had to stay at her moms for the two weeks duration of the trip. I will already be out of the country at this point and would be able to change the lock code myself. Not that her dad would agree to her not coming, because he just doesn't see it.

Any Thoughts. I am going crazy.

dtrkers

P.s The youngest also complains that her adult sister gets everything and her dad and bio mom just let her freak out and wine and cry and then give her what she wants. And she throws tantrums like a 5 year old in a grocery store on the weekly.

Do they still only come every other weekend?

Is that all they have seen of their father in 8 years?

Sounds rough for them. I would just try to make sure they both know they are welcome in their father's house and not an inconvenience.

The answer to this is the perennial "you have a DP problem." If the eldest's dad won't parent her properly it's his fault, not hers. I couldn;t respect a man like that.

What do you want to do, would you be prepared to leave if he won't address it?

(p.s we don't use the term bio-mum here on mumsnet, it's considered offensive unless relating to an adoption)

Oooo. What a lovely supportive post there postymalone. Not. Another person who I am guessing is not a stepparent but someone who has their own personal agenda against step parents. I do wish we could purge this whole thread of people like you. Or a troll. I’ve reported your post.

OP. This sounds like it has ground you down gradually. Before you think about throwing the towel in, have you considered any form of counselling ? FIrstly with your DP and then if appropriate with the SC?

The bonus you have since there is a 19 year old, she is an adult and she can see if she too wants a change in the dynamic that has gotten established. She may not be open to it but is it worth a try?

Like others say, you first and foremost have a dp problem. Why is he not supporting you? What were the circumstances of the breakup - did she always blame you too? It sounds like the most important thing is to get him onside.

Separately though, it is never helpful to blame others for depression, but especially children (yes, she's 19 but it sounds like this was coming a long time). It's no good for them or for you, it sets the power balance off completely and generally is a vicious circle, as they'll naturally test the boundaries with authority figures and push harder. If you choose to leave that's fine, but don't set her up as the bad guy, nobody will win that way.
Family counseling - even if you go alone - could help you think through these dynamics and make a decision about what to do next.

Thank you everyone. I am new to this and don't understand the language that is suppose to be used as well at the acronyms being used on this site.

The children have always been with us half the time. Two Weeks with us and two weeks with there mom, it has been like this from the Beginning. They have never been neglected and have always had love from all parents in there lives.

I have a councillor, the youngest has one, the dad periodically goes and the oldest will not. She refuses, if there is any confrontation she throws a tantrum. I just don't understand she is 19.

The mom and dad were separated before I met him. The mom hates me and has openly attacked me in front of the children since they were young.

I dont blame the kids for my depression, but its seems to be my trigger no matter how hard I try.

The father and I talk a lot about the issues at hand, but things never change. It is like he wants things to change, but also dislikes confrontation so instead will ignore the situation until everything gets bottle up. He gets tired of me talking about it and gets mad at me.
And when I try to get her to help out around the house or clean her room or the kids bathroom she rolls her eyes and slams doors and does not listen to me.

I'm a great parent I know, I don't doubt myself.
I just can't figure out this situation and thought other SP would be in similar situations and could relate.

I'm a great parent I know, I don't doubt myself.

Wow. Maybe this could be why you have such a problem here?!

@toosassy im shaking in my boots. A report to mn! Whatever will I do?

Tbh I don't know why at 19 she has to do two weeks each with you/her mum.
Surely at that age she should be doing her own thing.
Sounds like she knows damn well that if she kicks off she will get what she wants. That is down to her mum and dad and they should deal with it.

It does not sound like she is probably that different from other 19 year olds, though perhaps a bit less mature and volatile.

Does she give her mom a hard time at home ?

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I am guessing you won't gave the same tollerence as her mum or dad as you won't have that same bond?

Can you get a break and stay with a friend once in a while?

I can understand that you don't like her, that you find life better when she's not there, that you wish she treated you better, but to talk about your house and make it sound like she has no place there is not right. It is her home as much as yours and your DP.

She does she do now? Is she going to college, working? What are her plans?

this is not her house
the children have always been with us half the time

These two statements might suggest one contributing factor to the 19 year old's attitude. If she has spent half of her life staying with her dad in a home that is not considered to be hers it is going to be hard to encourage her to do the things that need doing to keep a home ticking over. Teenagers can be really hard work and insecure without much reason to be so, it must be doubly hard for her if she is aware of your attitude towards her.
If parenting her isn't working for either of you at the moment maybe try taking a backseat and letting your DP parent her while she is in your house.

Do you work, are you doing all the housework because it would prob annoy you less if it was DH who picked up the slack when she was lazy. I would say at 19 she will hopefully be getting her own home soon or a befriend so she isn’t at home much. Try to stick it til she leaves home.
When I had depression it was totally due to not having control over my life, living where and how to suit DH, I was lonely and the feeling of being trapped in a shit set up caused the depression. It could be this with you. Counselling would at least give you someone to vent to and might help you prioritise to plan your future.

Hi guys,

Thanks, I am speaking with my councillor next week.

Her mom and her fight a lot to. (well from what the kids have discussed with us)
We keep them on a schedule because DP and I need our time together as well. Until she moves out, that just the way it going to be.

She is clingy with her DP and I, if she could she would rather live with us full time. So she doesn't hate me and I don hate her. I just expect her to have some respect for the house and for her parents. She doesn't treat her DP all that well either in my opinion. And yes, I probably don't have the same tolerance level as her Mom and dad do. But I raised her like she is mine, DP and I always did the parenting together. Until she reached about 17 and then all of a sudden she stop listening to me and started to disrespect both me and her DP (not that this wasn't coming, she just hit that age, I guess) . He just ignores it all, and I feel like we are not on the same page anymore.

She is in university and will being going to college in the fall, but for the 5 months she is home in the summer, she doesn't respect us, doesn't help out around the house ect.... When she comes home for holidays she throws tantrums when we ask her to help out. Its hard because I know we raised her better then that. I don't know were she learned this from.

Im trying my best to explain this without being to over emotional.

Thing is, that is how a lot of teenagers behave, although she does sound immature for 19.
It doesn't matter if she doesn't clean her room, so try to ignore that, and certainly don't tidy or clean it for her.
It does matter that she's not helping/ pitching in with general house chores, and your DH should be the one to talk to her about that, unless he's prepared to do her share. It does matter if she's unpleasant to you, and again DB should be addressing that, but he sounds as if he is spoiling her, and hasn't taught her the links between behaving decently and being treated nicely as a consequence.
She should be able to consider her father's home as her own , at least for another few years, but she's old enough for it to be spelt out to her that she needs to contribute and behave reasonably.
I'd be cutting out all washing/ cooking/ cleaning/chauffeur services until she can be polite to you, and even then, as an adult she needs to be more self reliant.
As for the holiday, who's paying for it?

I think she must be a deeply unhappy person and can't have had a good life. She would rather live with her dad but isn't allowed to, she is with you 50:50 yet she isn't even allowed to consider it her home.

Where has she called home all these years?

I don't think the OP meant that it wasn't the sdd's home. It is her home, but it is the op's house. It's not insane to want rules, boundaries and respect in the house that she pays for.

Some of her behaviour does sound like stereotypical teenage behaviour, but she does sound a little bit immature. Having said that it has to be confusing and frustrating when all parents are on entirely different pages, and she probably feels like everyone is attacking her.

I didn't mean to say that this is not her home. She 100% considered this her home since day one and has never been told otherwise. She needs to also have a relationship with her mom and if she stays with us 100% of the time it is not fair to her mother either.

This is not an easy situation. I am just trying to understand her and why an adult at 19 acts the way she does. I Love her dearly and would do anything for her, but she needs to understand respect for me/her DP and this house.

Anyway. The trip is going to be paid for by me and her DP, we are spending two weeks at my families house in CA, as well as go to some national parks, SD and a few other places. Its not cheap. She hasn't even thanked us or asked if she could help out in anyway. And she expects spending money (she will not be getting, been discussed).

I want us to get along and be closer then we are. I don't want to be upset when she doesn't cleanup. I don't think a 19 yr old should throw tantrums and don't think she should be given things on a silver platter. I hope her DP will lay down some ground rules and hopefully she respects them. I don want her to roll eyes and slams doors when I ask her to clean her bathroom/room, do dishes etc....
I just dont understand why its so hard to take 15 min to help out each day.

I get sad because I work full time, cook, clean. Im a super mom taking them to work, to school activities, parent teacher meetings. I have been in this 100% since the beginning. Why does she treat us the way she does? Are adult teenagers just ungrateful, lazy, or do they just forget that we work hard for them and our life together. Were are the please and thank you's, were is the gratitude for making sure they have the best life and loved life.

It might be helpful to try and forget her age ? I think it's just adding to the frustration.

I know you both (all) will want to support her and need to set some expectations re age appropriate behaviour and responsibility, but some people really do just take longer to get out of the teenage years.

They are very consumed in their own world and really can't appreciate the impact they have on others or see things wider than their own bubble and current priorities.

Kind of in the same was a toddler just really does not get empathy.

What does DH contribute to the running of the house apart from finances?

Is he openly helpful, respectful and supportive of you?
If not, then that may be where she is taking her lead or role model from.

Im a super mom taking them to work, to school activities, parent teacher meetings.
Could it be this attitude and the super high value you seem to place on your parenting skills?! With all due respect, whilst it's bloody hard work being a parent and in your case a step mum, but that isn't being a super mum, that's just being a mum. It's what you just have to do?!

Get out of my life but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall

A book which looks at how to survive parenting teenagers, the title suggests that some of your issues are not unique to you. Sometimes parenting goes smoothly, sometimes you put loads in and don't get much out.
Make sure you and DP are on the same page before you try anything different.

I see this a few times, especially when kids are coming into adulthood and have been babied, often because of a guilt ridden Dad on divorce. My own DSD was like this and did go back to her Mums to live at 19. Everyone was super accommodating to her and blamed me for not understanding her, but now her Mum is terrified she’ll never leave home.

At least it seemed okay until she was 17, did you get on well with her before then?

What’s it like at her Mums house? If she wants to live with you both full time, she must like it better so I’m thinking you can’t be being that awful?

Your DP will not change your overnight and may well not want his daughter to leave. It is her home too for the moment, so she must feel like it is. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be firmer on having her help out. Do you think you just want her gone? This won’t change if she senses that from you. Although it’s fine to expect that she is on a road to independence and expect her to be looking to leave at some point, and also fine to expect that she doesn’t treat the house as a hotel!

Keep communicating perhaps, you’ve known these girls a long time. There must be some store of a relationship there. Build on it.

Teenagers are often self-centred and your DP is making this way worse by not laying down ground rules and sticking to them. As the step-mum your powers are limited, not least because your DP won't step up and parent and unless he does she can just thumb her nose at you and say 'You're not my parent, I don't have to do as you say'.

I would urge you and your DP to seek relationship counselling immediately. You need to have this out with him in a safe place with someone to mediate and help to keep the conversation constructive, but things need to change. He needs to parent, there need to be rules that his DD abides by, and there need to be consequences if she disrespects you and/or your home. The fact that a 19-year-old is getting exactly what she wants while driving you to depression is not acceptable on any level and is creating a monster. You have to be very honest with him and say that you're considering leaving your otherwise good relationship if you cannot sort this problem out with his elder DD. She is not going to grow up, improve or start behaving reasonably unless you do. As parents (and as someone who has been a mother figure in her life for 8 years I include you in that), it is your job (you and her dad), to ensure that this toxic situation is resolved.