Ranting again....

[rantingagain1]

Name changed....

I feel like I'm being taken advantage of and I'm in the 3rd trimester of pregnancy.

Dh just rang to ask if I can change my drop off time for my dcs with their dad tomorrow as his ex can't drop them off at her normal time. He needs to be dropped off with me at 1pm. It's usually he's dropped off at 5:30 when dh gets home from work (I'm dropping my own dcs at this time so nothing to do with me). It means I wouldn't be able to drop my dcs off (which is an hour drive for me) until dh gets home from work.

Tbf, just as a one off, I wouldn't mind but I really do a lot for my dss and it's pissed me off who both dh and his ex just expect me to change my plans. Especially as it's not my problem. It's the ex that should be sorting it as she's the one that can't drop him off at normal time.

I've said no.

I don't work as my ds has special needs (though I do get a small income as a carer) but I'm starting to feel that because of this I'm just expected to do whatever as dh works and provides.

I do all I can for dh, my dcs and dss but I won't be taken advantage of and I feel that's what's starting to happen. Doesn't help with the pregnancy hormones either....

Not being unreasonable at all. You are not an unpaid childminder.

Why should your children suffer and be dropped off at their dads later because the EW can’t stick to the plan?

I’m all for flexibility, but if it inconveniences you and your kids (and has a knock on effect on their dad) then I would say no.

My dcs have a long way to travel. Setting off later doesn't benefit them at all as they just get tired. Also you are right on dcs dad, not fair on him either.

I don't think dh was impressed at my attitude but he's pushing my buttons at the min to be honest. I'm a good step mother, I take dss out, I do have him extra when I can, I spend one on one time with him, I treat him as my own. I'm just not being walked all over by the his parents

He needs to be dropped off with me at 1pm. It's usually he's dropped off at 5:30 when dh gets home from work (I'm dropping my own dcs at this time so nothing to do with me). It means I wouldn't be able to drop my dcs off (which is an hour drive for me) until dh gets home from work.

Why does it mean you can’t drop your DCs as normal? Can’t you take DSS with you?

What was the reason that make your OH feel it was reasonable to accommodate her needs?

Shouldn't your SS be at school?

I think you’re fair enough OP. It’s the ex’s request to change things, you’re the only one who could accommodate and you’ve said no. Why should your contact drop off be mucked up because she’s changed her mind?

It's an hour drive there and back. So no, although i did suggest it that I'll have him but he would have to come with me but was told 'no it's too far and not fair on dss'

He doesn't start school until September

There's a few things over the last few weeks that have niggled me. It's becoming slowly more apparent that I'm not important - not always things to do with dss but in my marriage in general. Like if I mention I'm tired/uncomfortable etc dh will always make out he's worse as he's been at work all day (bearing in mind even if I did work, I'd be on maternity leave by now) and I'm still doing everything around the house. Which I don't mind at all, I'm just feeling very under appreciated at the moment that's all

Oh well you offered to take him and they refused. Not sure why they’re pissed with you.

I don't think they are pissed off with me. I think dh just expected me to do it and was taken back when I said no. I basically just said I didn't see why I should change all my plans for her.

By agreeing to the change, your kids get to their dads later (and tirder). Dad gets less time with the kids. Doesn’t seem fair.

This ‘simple’ request from the EW has a huge knock on effect to everyone else which they haven’t thought of.

I think this is interesting as if dad changes plans and ew won't accommodate etc. There's normally a big hooha about how unreasonable she is etc. When it's mum changing... she's unreasonable again.
This is very interesting.

I see your point. And it's a valid one if I'm honest. We all need to change plans from time to time and I literally always do my best to accommodate it. 100%.

However dh and the ex are both fully aware of my situation (as it's never changed since I met dh) and it's frustrated me how they have both pretty much expected me to change my plans.

Dh should finish work earlier. She has parents that could help out. None of these have been suggested as far as I can see.

Tbf, there's a much deeper issue here at the min. If this came up a few weeks ago, I probably would of done it. But the way I've been feeling lately, I just don't see why I should.

I’m going against the grain here. Surely are you not a family unit, your married and expecting a child together. Does your dh not do stuff for your dc. My dh would collect ds without so much as a second thought. Ds sm collects ds from school every Friday again without a second thought.

There’s been occasions where by ex has been unavailable to collect ds due to his health and I’ve happily collected him and dropped off. In the same way ex had ds when dd was admitted to hospital with a water infection. There’s zero problems or resentment in our co-parenting relationship.

Sorry but I've said this previously. I do everything for my step son. I have him all the time when his mum needs a babysitter for something. I look after him on weekends when my dh works for some reason (not every weekend before anyone starts, but the odd one here and there)

Any issues around childcare that come up, I always try my hardest to sort it. I'm aware he only sees his dcs on a weekend and mine are here pretty much all of time. If my dcs have plans, I'll leave him with the car so he can go do what he wants with his dcs.

I've said previously that one of my children has special needs and for this reason, I don't work. But I do bring in an income. But dh does provide for my children and I give literally everything I can back for him and his son. He also has a teenage child as well who I do just the same amount for though he isn't coming this weekend.
But if he was, I'd probably be going to collect him in the morning!

However the last few weeks I've been suffering with my pregnancy. I've been in and out of hospital since the start. I've not moaned and continued to get on with things and rallying around everyone else which is what I spend my life doing.

The slightest moan that comes out of my mouth, dh doesn't listen. If I ask him to rub my feet as my ankles are beyond swollen, all I get is 'I've been at work all day and I'm aching too you know' and 'well you've only got a few weeks left and then it's over for you, I've got to work for another 25 years at least'

Granted he works hard. He has an extremely manual job. But it's not like I'm sat on my arse at home doing nothing all day. He comes home at 5.30 and that's him done for the day. I sit down at around 9pm depending on my son.

Yesterday I asked him to put a pizza in the oven in about 5 mins. Came downstairs from seeing to my 2 dc, he's fallen asleep so I did it myself.

We had tea and he gave me the plates to take away and asked me to bring his pudding in. I was knackered.

As well as this, I've had some awful meetings to do with my son this week. He's not great at the moment and I've got that to worry about also. But that doesn't matter to dh, he goes to work all day and I take care of everything else because that's my job.

He's really pushed me to the limit lately. These all may come across as little things but at the moment, I've just had enough and it's about time I said no for once. I've been way to much of a pushover

This post isn't about my resenting the mother of dss. Far from it. I understand plans change and we can't always stick to the normal routine. I'm guilty of it from time to time with my dcs and their dad and we work it together.

What the post is about is how it's just automatically expected of me to be able to sort it without any consideration for myself or my own dcs. I just feel so under appreciated it's unreal

I think this is interesting as if dad changes plans and ew won't accommodate etc. There's normally a big hooha about how unreasonable she is etc. When it's mum changing... she's unreasonable again.

She is unreasonable though because it’s not the dad who will be doing the running around, it will be the op. It’s got nothing to do with whether she is the mum or not and I would be saying the the same if it was the other way around and the dad was doing the chopping and changing.
She knows the dad isn’t available so therefore she’s unreasonable to expect the op to help instead. The fact is the op has important commitments towards her own children at that time and that shouldn’t change.
If either parent is working then they can’t help each other and they have to find alternative arrangements. It’s not up to stepparents to change their plans to accommodate especially if it’s mainly for the other parent’s benefit.

Oh don't get me wrong... I agree with OP. I just thought it was interesting.

Your compromise that you'd have your dss from 1pm and take him with you when you drop off your own seems entirely sensible. Yes, two hours in the car is a long time and he would probably be bored senseless, but that won't hurt him any. Can't understand why anyone objected, and totally see why you're pissed off.

Can you say your dc dad won't agree to the change? Because they don't seem to have realised they are asking him to change plans too, and he has no obligations to them at all.

OP, this really doesn't sound promising at all. It sounds like you are both feeling resentful of taking each other for granted. You that you do a lot for his children and him considering it normal, and him working hard to support his family and yours, and feeling that you think it's normal.

The reality is that you are both helping each other as any married couple should. The question is at which point one should be able to say no. Is it ok indeed to say no to a change of arrangement that you take up for him and would it be ok for him to say that this month, he can't pay for something he pays for your kids because he wants to buy something for his instead.

You're about to have a baby together, so you really need to hurry up and discuss exactly what is expected of each and agreeing to show appreciation on both sides rather than taking each other for granted. As it sounds (as your previous post), it is starting to sound like a battle of who is doing more for the other/who hasn't it the hardest and that never ends well.

I think it sounds very unbalanced in your house OP if he finishes at 5:30 but you're not able to sit down until 9! He's sounding very selfish.