New to step-parenting

[gaby100]

Hi All,

I am new to this site, I have spent a few days reading lots of feeds and have decided to ask some questions of my own.

I have been with my DP (I hope I used that correctly) for 2 years. He has a daughter of 2 and a half. For the first year of our relationship we lived in a different city, he would go home every other weekend, and I would come with him every 2/3 months(in the year we spent away i met her around 7 times). We have recently moved to where his daughter lives, we now have her 3 nights a week, one week at the weekend and one week during the week.

Majority of the time I love being with her, and I hate having any negative feelings however at times I cant help it. I can feel, lonely, left out and jealous when she is around. I cant explain the feelings and I have no friends in a similar position to me so it is very hard to get advice. I suppose I am looking for any reassurance that these feeling are normal, and things will get better, and any advise on how to help things get better would also be great.

Thanks in advance xx

It's all completely normal feelings as a step parent.
And it will get better but only if you put the effort in to accept how your life is going. (Sorry if that doesn't make sense can't really find the words to express it properly)

My advise it to find a happy balance of what you do as a family and what you do to let your partner bond with his child.
I found that during the week it's a normal routine as a whole family, eating together, playing/watching tv.

At first I felt left out of the bedtime routine so instead of trying to put myself into it, I realised that time when my partner was upstairs I could get a drink/dessert, decide on a tv program or sort out anything I'd been putting off all day. Then we could sit together just us.

At the weekend you need to balance time all together and letting them do things on their own. My partner rides bikes with his son so they would go in the morning and I'd have a lie in. If they wanted to do something mid day then I'd make plans with a friend or family. I considered the gym but it just isn't for me.
If you focus on yourself during that time you are less likely dwell on what you are missing out on.

You should also find things to do for all three of you that you'll all enjoy.
You can try and do some things one on one with his daughter but only if you want to, don't feel you have to to have a relationship.

If you find yourself in a particular mood for any reason and it's focusing on having a child around that isn't yours (it happens sometimes and that's ok) try making plans for the following week when it's just the two of you to look forward to.
I find myself in that situation when I'm having bad period pains or a shit day.

Sorry that's a lot to offload on you. Just the things I wish someone had said to me.

Thanks Handsfull.

Honestly reading that has already made me feel a lot more at ease with the situation and my feelings. Its nice to know I am not the only one and I am normal :)

I would eventually like to do some with his and daughter alone however I am not sure either of us are ready for that just yet (hopefully not too far off).

Can I also get your opinion on disciplining a step child. At the minute I don't really feel comfortable disciplining his daughter, however my DP thinks I should. I think I find it more difficult because we are living with his parents (in the process of buying our own house). His daughter is very lively and at the age where she is very testing. She smacks occasionally which i strong disagree with, but I am not sure where my boundaries lie. I haven't got children of my own yet and fully understand that when I do have them I might feel completely different but if my own child acted like his daughter does sometimes I wouldn't have it. At the moment when you try to discipline her she shouts back and tells you to behave (which unfortunately sounds quite funny at times).

Myself and my DP had a disagreement yesterday regrading discipline, which was basically him saying he feels alone when he does it. My opinion is that it is his job until his daughter trusts and respects me and he needs to teach her that. I am wrong in thinking that?

I find with discipline it's hard. First we had to get on the same page about how to do things.
I needed to be able to have some control as I was home with my step son during the summer holidays as I was in between jobs so it was easier if I had him. But when we are together he does the discipline.
If he was out of the room or didn't see what happened I did the telling off but if he is around it was his job to deal with it. I will stand and show a united front but he does all the talking. That's still the case 6 years on.

I back him in every decision and never undermine him but if I disagree with something we talk about it on our own and make a united plan.

I suggest a proper discussion with your partner about how to handle it. I found that as my partner makes the final decision on all punishments and can overrule my opinion, it is his responsibility to do most of the discipline.
If we were to change and I was to handle more of the discipline I would expect and equal say in how we go about it.
That's something a proper discussion will work out. You definitely need to find out where your partner stands on how much input you will get to the decisions about his daughter.

It's normal to feel this way tbh and it does ease the longer they are around.
Fun family activity is a good idea we do fun with floats swimming as a family or soemthing the park. Other activists are just the the kids with their dad as it's important for alone time.
Discipline wise my other half has been fab but does majority of it. When we moved he spoke to us all inc kids and said it was my home and I was an adult and he was giving me full responsibility to discipline if they were naughty (like you would give a teacher I suposse). This way the authority is coming from their dad not me (does that make sense).
I went through a phase of feeling overwhelmed but I'm much more relaxed now and it's just normal life tbh. We get on but they can be hard work too, kids just are.
As long as you care and try, then like any 'parent' your doing the best you can. Don't forget no one is perfect and if your struggling talk to your partner and get support.

Thank you both for your replies. They have really helped xx

Hey there! These are totally normal feelings, I felt that way when I was first with my DP and having his dd round on weekends. I felt left out and excluded sometimes and also a tad jealous. I think for me explaining my feelings to DP on a regular basis helps with things, communication is key. I've grown to learn that DP doesn't get hints and unfortunately isn't a mind reader 😂 We are now three years down the line (met dd at 3yrs old) and things are much better. Spending quality time together is also key, it's also important to make time for yourself and DP after the kids are in bed and on the days that you don't have her.
In terms of displine, you both need to be on the sane page. I back my partner in his decisions and we talk through if one of us doesn't agree with something before following through with it. He does the majority of the main discipline, however I do give out warnings or if dsd hits etc when DP isn't around I pick her up on it. My DP was the same as yours, wanted me disciplining within a year or so of meeting her, I just explained that she is his child and until I had known her longer, he should be doing the majority of displine.

I take the approach - you punch your sibling at the table I will call you on it, whether Dad there or not. Mine are pre teen and teenagers.

Simpy say unacceptable behaviour in this house thank you . I do not dob into DP when he arrives - but they know I would if I wanted.

Concentrate on the big things, manners please, thank you smacking - gentle reminder - we do not do hitting, wait for the please and thank you.

DP says the same - but loss of privileges is his domain!