Should I get involved!?

[DKHarlequin]

I've been with my partner over 4 years, we live together and once a fortnight we have his daughter for the weekend as agreed with her mum. I love her to death and her mum and i get on really really well.

Now, both my partners ex and I have existing issues with my partners mother - mainly being that shes a narcissistic cow, but that's another story - and recently we've both been getting rather annoyed with how his mother is totally disregarding any boundarys set my by partners ex.

It all came to a head a few weeks ago when once again his mother was dropping her off following a sleep over at nanny's house, but dropped her off nearly 40 mins later than she should have with no communication as to why and then said that my step daughter had taken to long to eat her dinner.

OK sure, blame the kid.

Anyway, for my partners ex it was one thing too many and she told me and my partner than if his mum wants to have her it would be during our time only beceause his mother clearly can't respect any rules his ex sets regarding her child and she doesn't want to deal with her crap and more.

Now, being that I'm the step mother and I saw this as being between my partner and his mother I left him to approach her on it, only he didn't. And 4 weeks later when his mother asks if she can have my step daughter in the holidays, he tells her to call his ex and ask when she can have her. Knowing his ex has already said that is not happening any more due to ongoing behaviour.

This seriously upset his ex because she now felt forced to have the convo with his mum and didn't feel comfortable bringing an issue of nearly a month ago back up when my partner had clearly not even mentioned it to his mum, and being that we get on so well I was livid too because not only was he being a spineless idiot again but he was upsetting my mate.

Anyway, sorry for the long message basically, I'm asking if I should wade in with his mother over it all because he just won't. It's been an issue before, one that nearly split us up a year ago, and he just hasn't got an ounce of courage when it comes to tell his mother no or admonishing her. I've yelled at him about it enough, now I feel like I should do it myself, but should I?

Help.

I wouldn't get involved in talking to his mother about the reason his ex has a problem with her.

But I would get involved in getting him to step up. I don't know whether you are planning on having children together but this sets an example of how she will treat you as well. I know a lot of people that wish they realised their partners were still mummy's little boy before getting serious.
You need to either nip this in the bud now or decide whether you are willing to put up with him saying nothing to his mother when their are problems.

It's not a step/ex/Mil problem it's a dp problem which could possibly effect a lot of aspects of your life.

Not your place to get involved. The mother has the issue with the grandmother. Let her step up and deal with it. Not your place.

If you do get involved you’ll be seen as the bad person.

This is why I haven't got involved so far, I don't want to be the one to start making waves and end up getting all the agro back. The ex doesn't want to have it out with the MIL because she has dealt with her enough and has had enough - I don't blame her for this at all because if I had the option....

I love my partner dearly but due to being raised in a house where his mother rules the roost without a word of disagreement, he dare not say a thing to her. Not for himself, or me or anyone else.

I went up against her last year over a disagreement and it was not a pleasant experience , I didn't speak to her for months, I cannot imagine what living with her was like.

Just finding it very difficult to keep my mouth shut when my friend is upset, my partner is upset because he's getting it in the neck from my friend, and the MIL is still swanning about doing what she wants.

I lived with a naraccistic mother and it’s difficult (so I feel your pain). You can’t reason with these people and they are never in the wrong. I’ve learnt over the years that you can’t reason with them. The only thing you can control are s how you react. Minimal contact in short bursts is the answer in my case.

I don't think you can get involved beyond trying to motivate your partner.

Maybe tell him how blessed he is to have a partner and ex who get on so well and support each other, and that he's a fool if he lets his mum throw unnessecary tension into the situation!

40 minutes late and you want to destroy a family relationship?

I hope you have better reasons than that, but even if you do, you really need to beak out of this. It's not your partner's mother who sounds like the narcissistic control freak here.

STEP AWAAAAAAY - your MIL is your DP's problem. And in this case, also your mate/the ex's. She could be your bestie but it's still not for you to get involved with another adult on behalf of a grown adult. You're not a mediator or a lawyer... By all means support and listen but it's not up to you to fix his ex & her rel with her XMIL - I can see why this is awful and frustrating but you kind of have to chant to yourself
NOT MY MONKEYS NOT MY CIRCUS sometimes... You'll only get shot as the messenger

No, but you should tell the ex to not discuss it with the ex MIL - and to refer her to her son to discuss.

If you get involved, it'll seem like ex and you want this new arrangement and not your h.

You will likely find it very difficult to get involved without dragging up your own issues with MIL, so I would leave it.

There are ways of having the final word without turning it in to a drama. How about you pick DSD up from MILs and ensure that she’s back to her mum’s on time, or manipulate other situations and take control?

I am more than done with my PILs, mostly FIL, but I’d never bother getting in a row with them...I wouldn’t put my OH in that awkward position. To be fair, he’d not let it get to that either...but if it did...

I will run now that you can, how is it going to be if you have kids or when his mother gets older?? The only way you could deal with it is if your partner starts thinking for himself and other people he loves. I know is hard, some people doesn't like disagreement, etc. I would sit with him and say something like. It really makes me upset when you don't have our back. I think in this case it is not your war to fight with his mother, but I feel your pain. Remind your partner of the conversation and saw him that bad communication can lead to the daughter really being in the middle of some nasty tension. She needs the grandma, even if she is a bit special. 40 minutes is not a biggie but I would have said something like I was really worried, if you are going to be late you need to let me know, and that's it.

I wouldn’t get involved but as someone has said I’d suggest to his ex that she refers it back to your partner.
If you’re planning on having children with him I’d be prepared for some battles though

Absolutely get the ex to kick it back to your oh and then he can tell him mum when dc are available

I don’t blame the RC wanting to wash her hands of the mil, she’s done her time.

DONT GET INVOLVED!
Just that really, you'll end up in the wrong, and the s**t will hit your fan!