Is there really any support for step parents

[easylover]

I think the majority of us step mums are trying our best and I think it's a tough job. We do get put down a lot and seen as evil but we're really not. I hear a lot how it's harder for the dcs and yeh that's probably true being a step daughter myself I remember how it felt, but we do have feelings too and sometimes it's hard to be the grown up all the time and just give give give and get nothing back. Why do people hate us so much? I love my life with my dp 2 dcs and 2 sdcs but sometimes I find it tough, anyone else? I just don't think there is much support x

I don't have the problem of mother interfering as my husband is a widower but that brings its own problems, husband leaves the discipline to me without very much support and then guilt kicks in n he goes into soft dad mode which puts a strain on us..I've always worked with kids and I have to say I'm good at what I do and I'm practical enough never to resent the boys for their fathers lack of support, they are only children who have been to hell and back with mum and they need love, structure and support just at times I wish that there were more support for stepmums..I love my stepsons but not with the same maternal love a birth parent has, I genuinely care very deeply about giving them a fantastic childhood and support for the rest of their lives and I do not resent any time they spend with their dad, if anything I enjoy it because it gives me some free time. I may slightly resent dads lack of support with discipline but that's between us not the kids and he is getting better as the guilt he feels because they lost mum gets less. It's a tough situation good to have somewhere to have a little vent I've never talked about it to anyone other than my husband and my own mum before..it does worry me that youngest child 10 has fantasies about hurting my little dog though I have to admit x

I'm a step-dad. Well, we're not married but both kids started using the term (or Danish equivalent, papfar) on their own a few months after I moved in.

The girls are 3 & 8. they were 2 & 6 when I moved in Autumn 2016. I'd talked so much my girlfriend about the right boundries, respecting their dad and not stepping on his toes, basically being "there for them and a nice addition to the household" than "parent."

It didn't work that way. Not when we have them twelve days out of 14, and their dad brings them home as early as he can get away with on the Sunday. He was pretty absent before they split about a year before I met them, and the girls quickly loved the whole 'family of four' experience.

Essentially for all our plans of taking it slowly, the girls (mostly the then 6yr old) pushed it faster themselves. The then 2 year old just thought it was awesome someone could entertain her sister so she got more 1-on-1 time with mum!

They're my life, unavoidably. They're there when I wake up (sometimes literally right in my face shaking me - they know I'm a better morning person than their mum!) They're there after work and they certainly don't both sleep right through the night most of the time. So I parent. I help with homework, I do my share of delivering them to kindergarten/school and collecting them. I cook for them, I listen to the 8yr old's increasingly emotionally complex thoughts and talk them through, I play whatever make believe game the 3yr old comes up with next. My partner and I both work full time, and from when I get up until the girls go to bed between 7 and 8 I don't sit down for more than a few minutes (work aside.) What else would I do?

And that's all fine. That's the life I jumped into. It's harder work than I expected but a blessing as well with the bond I now have with the girls. And it's a hell of a bond, and the best thing that ever happened to me.

And my relationship with my partner is fantastic, but every couple of months there'd be a comment like "How would cope with your own kids?" An example - At Easter their dad was going to take them for a couple of days and then his mum was after that. They both cancelled. I was a little disappointed that we wouldn't get the little break together. She asked how I'd manage if I had children of my own (in a slightly irritated way.)

A similar thing came up at the beginning of the week, and we argued - we don't do that much. I really had to gather all the thoughts I have about it the difficulties of step parenting and write them in a text - because I'd never really put them all together before - just felt the pressure and the stress of them.

This isn't word for word but what I wrote was along the lines of this:

I'd find it easier if they were my own children.
I wouldn't spend every day wondering if the amount I love them is too much.
I wouldn't stress constantly about doing all I did without it stepping on their dad's toes.
I wouldn't torment myself picking apart every time I've had to tell them off, wondering if I was fair enough, or if deep down I even really had the right too.
I wouldn't hate myself for every mistake I make 'parenting' because I feel like I've been honoured and trusted with something so precious, that it's just not OK to screw it up.
I wouldn't strive so hard to give the right impression to every parent and teacher we see when I drop them off, because I need them to know that I add value to the girl's lives. I'd probably relax and be myself more.
I wouldn't dread something happening to my partner in a way I could never have understood before, because the girls could just vanish from my life in a moment if she wasn't there.
I wouldn't get a little bit sad every time I get the reminders that on any official level I'm literally nothing to them. The little sign above the 3yr old's coat locker at kindergarten with mummy, daddy and sister's name on it.
I wouldn't live with the feeling that everyone who knew them as a couple before is evaluating me in comparison, because many of them care about these children.

I wouldn't have all this playing on my mind, all the time. I'm not saying being a real parent is easy, just that there's a host of additional challenges taking on the responsibility of one without being the real deal.

And she admitted she'd never thought about any of that. I'd seemed to just come in, adjust, and crack on with it. If I'd made mistakes she'd never felt like I had no right to make mistakes - she understood. I don't think I've ever heard her so apologetic.

Newlevelsoftiredness-amazing post. Beautiful. So representative of how i feel. Every. Single. Word.
Thank you.

I’m so pleased that your message gave your DP pause for thought x

I agree, wonderful words and very representative. What does really get me going on these forums though is the feeling that it is ONLY hard for SPs. As disco says, it's all down to Disney dad's and mothers.

I have always appreciated that moving in with me and my kids has been tough on my OH. He used to have much disposable income to enjoy himself with. Moving in with me has meant moving to a larger house, holidays costing more (he pays half), bills increasing, so even though I work FT and earn a good income, he had to contribute more than he used to. He also is very controlling and OCD, so having to accept that the house wouldn't in a state that he had full control of and made him feel good has been extremely hard on him. Same with not being able to go away just the two of us and probably more things. I have great respect for him for what he's given up for me and my kids BUT....

It is bloody hard for me and my kids too. We always walk on egg shells because of his expectations of perfection (he doesn't see it like this but we do). I know that my kids only really feel at home if they are in their bedrooms because it takes just a few crumbs left on the counter and OH gets annoyed.

As for me, I feel constantly stuck in the middle and responsible for everyone's happiness. My OH relies on me to sort things out with the kids so that he's happy and I feel responsible to make sure that my kids don't feel too restricted so they can be happy. That constant pressure is at times overwhelming, especially when I put a lot of efforts in and yet feel that everyone is still unhappy, still moaning, and still make it that it's my fault.

Yet somehow, we are making it work because despite painting this picture, we are all making compromises and we all find ourselves appreciating the good things. We are making it work, but gosh does it demand efforts to appreciate how our feelings and expectations impact on others.

To be honest I never thought about it until I joined mn!

Ah newlevelsoftiredness that kind of sums it up doesn't it, I should remind myself this is how my dp feels as mine are with me most of the time. I too feel these things, even with something as simple as Father's Day, is it my job to help them get something for their dad or do they see it as their mums?! Would they prefer me not to be there when they take their dad out Father's Day. I also feel whatever I do would be wrong in some way.

I also relate to what your saying swingofthings. My dp paid for us all to go to Florida last year, he has to put up with a messy house too sometimes. But then I feel we have to be extra grateful and extra careful compared to his own children. But then you know I do a lot for his dcs too. It's give and take and communication I guess x

No. I wish I could not be a SM but am stuck with it now.

@newlevelsoftiredness so nice to hear from a step Dad, and a very moving eloquent post. You sound like you are trying very hard and are very kind. You do have needs too, like a weekend alone with your partner sometimes. Don’t be the last on the list of priorities!

@swing it sounds like your OH is not giving your kids enough space to be themselves and not being accommodating enough as a step Dad. They or you should not have to walk on eggshells

@easylover - the feeling that you need to be extra grateful - my partner would identify very closely with that and we've talked about it. Especially the financial contribution - their dad basically doesn't have any money so the girls would simply miss out on things if I didn't contribute. My partner explained that it's difficult feeling like she has to be grateful all the time, to the point where if I get up early when the girls wake up at the weekend and let her stay in bed, she feels uncomfortably in debt.
She IS grateful, but feeling like it should be demonstrated all the time is incredibly pressuring.

And it's hard, because as a step parent there's a limit on how much of the mental load of day to day life with the kids I can actually take on to ease her load. Everything official with the girls falls on her, as well as arranging play dates etc. It doesn't help that I'm not fully fluent in the language here - I can chat absolutely fine with the girls, but some of the paperwork is a little out my league, so that falls on her too.

She's getting used to it, but it's tricky. The one thing that I think is so hard both for the parent and the step-parent is that you have to work out the dynamics of a relationship at the same time as actually raising children, which in itself is so exhausting you don't have a whole lot of energy in reserve.

If my girlfriend and I argue, afterwards I'll point out that we basically started the relationship in the most difficult stage it'll ever be at - with two young kids demanding our attention! I think we've done pretty amazingly to be honest.

I think we have a very similar dynamic in our house @newlevelsoftiredness.
Legally even though we are raising and financially providing for our step children we are very limited in what we can actually do.

Bloody hard work. I find it completely draining if my hormones decide to give me a hard time. I find my SD1 divisive with my DD & her mates, manipulative and a stirrer, SD2 is clingy and physically blocks my DC's getting physical contact from me at times - I've just had them all for a weekend & a mild row with DP made me so much less inclined to mother his kids as well as mine especially when his are such hard work!

It's a COMPLETELY under-appreciated role. Even if the dad isn't a disney and the ex is OK. Big hugs and high fives from one SM to the others!

Agree @viking it’s a very tough job and lots of to the vast majority who are trying very hard with a good heart!

@NewLevelsOfTiredness your post hit so many of my nails on the head. It sometimes feels an impossible task. Filled with much soul searching and worry. Sounds like you're doing bloody great work tho. Skål to you, fellow Viking

Just a question not to steer things honestly :) it often comes up that the role of a SM is unappreciated so it must be true. So my question is: who should be appreciative? I can't see the ex being so if in her perfect world she would actually like it better if the ex wasn't in a relationship and/or would rather the child not going to their dad so there is no favour there.

Not the children because kids can't be expected to be appreciative of being looked after and cared for. Not teenagers at least no more than their own parents and we know that this most parents frustration.

So it leaves the partner. That agree fully with when indeed they really on the SM to take on a lot of the task that comes with being a parent. But then it's to me no different to conflict within a relationship when there is a disagreement on division of tasks or imbalance in how much one does compare to the other.

I do feel that as a whole SM do too much so can understand the frustration but why not resolve that conflict by agreeing to do less?

Well you can be under appreciated by the children if they don't acknowledge your input. If all the praise and love is going to their parent all the time then everything you do for said child is more like a slave kowtowing to it's master. If you say they should not have to appreciate the step patent but the step parent is looking after them, caring for them, paying for them etc but for absolutely nothing in return. I would feel seriously under appreciated.

As for the partner YES... they should absolutely appreciate you and everything you do. My DP always tells me how much he values my support.

And a step parent may do less.... but as pp have said when they live with the rp they can't?
You would expect me to stop providing for, cooking, washing clothes, caring for and nurturing his children because I'm not their mother?
What would my role be then? Lodger? That's ridiculous. You expect your dh to actively participate in your house for your children. Why is it in households where it's the nrp you think it's different?

Well you can be under appreciated by the children if they don't acknowledge your input
What input? Do you mean things like cooking? My kids said thank you when I put their plate in front of their faces, but that was because they were pleased to have food they loved when hungry. I don't expect it was ever 'thank you mum for taking time to cook for us because we know you'd rather not bother, but you make a huge effort to show us that we mean something to you and we are very appreciative of this' kind of thank you.

I think the returns are the cuddles, the 'I love you', the 'you're my special mum' but I don't think kids say/do these things out of appreciation but because they really do love their parents. If the SM does all those things out of love, they are likely to get similar responses. They won't do though, not would a parent, when it's done out of a chore, or arrangement to please their partner.

You would expect me to stop providing for, cooking, washing clothes, caring for and nurturing his children because I'm not their mother?
But why can't your OH take on these duties when his children are there to see him? Why can't he cook then? pwc do all those things when the kids are with them, so why can't the nrp do the same?

My ex has always cooked on the weekends the kids were with him, and if there was washing to do, he did it himself too. He cleaned up their mess, washed their bedding etc... just like I have done for years at my house.

Swing of things - yes the partner. I only expect the kids to say thank you for treats like days out etc but I'd expect them to do same for their dad or mom tbh, same as I was as a child.
I get the dp should do more but practically it's not always possible. My partner is rhe world's worst cook , the kids beg me to cook as it's nice and I also insist they eat veggies/fruit and not jsut beige food. He does the homework, reading and putting to bed and all the parenting so to speak.
Also depends on the children my SD prefers one on one time with me as she's betting older and wants her hair done or nails etc which baffles her dad. Same for getting cahnge at swimming she wants to go with me as im a girl. Not big deals but important to her.
I think most step moms dont really want appreciation just support. Eg acceptance that I have no idea what I am doing sometimes as i dont have children myself yet and support to get the balance right for their benefit.

You just answered my point.... we have the children full time... so we share the responsibilities just like any normal couple would?
But you're saying a step mother shouldn't? Why?
I was also trying to say that if children aren't taught to appreciate things then they don't acknowledge you with kindness or hugs and love etc. I think anyone that gives time and effort and love to someone deserves acknowledgement of that. I thank my mother all the time for her love and support.
My dsd gives me hugs and kind gifts a lot... she knows how much I care about her and she cares about me. If that's not appreciating my effort I don't know what is.
But you're saying a step parent shouldn't get that because they aren't the children's biological family?
Lastly how does a step parent gain the love of the children if on these boards they are always being told to back off, not your problem, don't interfere, don't get too involved.
I swear when it's a step dad they do no wrong! Practically like a real 'dad'

I do a lot for both my DSDs. I am a mum, a carer, i love them, they're my family, they're exhausting and exasperating but they are the children of the love of my life and therefore I want them in my life as much as I want him in mine. They're hard work, challenging, they have issues I cannot resolve for them because it's not my place as their stepmama but I have to be there and help because - well, that's part of being in love with someone with kids innit. I've been planting a corner of DP's garden with particular plants and lots of those share the name of my DSD1. (He showed her the xxxxxxxx garden I'd created and showed her I'd planted a lot of plants with her name and she was teary eyed apparently said " oh daddy I have the best stepmama ever!!!) bless her She pushes all my buttons some weekends because it's just bloody hard work dealing with 4 very immovable feasts but I love them and often get snuggles and love in return. There isn't much by way of day to day gratitude but I guess that's kinda tweens in general, no ? We aren't a very tell everyone we love them during saying grace kinda family...

I get extremely bored of the power games played around food by my DSDs but I can see why they do it, so that helps me take a breath, remove my own "but I cooked this because you liked it last week/month/year" vibe and take a step back but honestly most weekends I gnash my teeth a lot and feel undervalued... Time apart helps, distance gives perspective etc.

It's hard because liek so many of us know, you're judged just by being a STEP parent. I was at a party last weekend for DSD2 I knew nobody there, DSD would not let go of my leg but even with her validating my being there I was still getting weird vibes off the super mums there. I'm her stepmama. Im here. I'm giving her what she needs right now (IE no parental removal in party situation - being reception class this is quite normal) But still with the shit eye because YOURE NOT HER MUM. FFS I'm her mum while her mum has a weekend off. I'm the next best thing. She is safe and secure with me. .She loves me. I love her. I have her back, I wont' leave her feeling anxious in a party situation.
What more can i do?

gah!

I would settle for acknowledgment and not being ignored from my DSCs. I would like them to not heap on the resentment and allow me to be me.

I’d like them to see me as a human being, and give me the space to have a relationship with their Dad, without competing with me. I’d like the same from EW.

Why? Because I’ve given DSCs and EW my support. I’ve looked after DSCs and one full time for years, when EW could not cope, and DP was out earning to pay for EWs house and maintenance. I’ve given DSCs all the space they need to have a relationship with their Dad and not tried to interfere or compete. I’ve cared for them when I really had enough on my plate so being ignored/indifferent is very hurtful.

DP is the one I’d like to appreciate me more. He forgets how much I gave to being a SM and has not truly acknowledged how much of a parent I had to be to his children. His family have not supported me either.

However I do think the wider community is not supportive of SMs, and there are many like me who have been full time. There is no group of parents that you can join to get some moans off your chest. Except here online. I could not be part of school parents evenings or reports etc, as EW got jealous, (even though she never attended) yet I was the one there while she was struggling with her homework. So no one else.

My friends and family were generally very supportive but I also had to watch carefully what I said. Until they met DSCs and now they completely get it, which is a relief. Yet we don’t as a family bitch and moan so it’s more a quiet acknowledgment that I have a very messy blended family situation!

But you're saying a step mother shouldn't? Why?
Because as it's been brought up over and over here, being a SM is not appreciated as it is being a mum or dad.

In the end, you can only control what you do, you can't expect at children to feel differently to how they do and I think this is the essence of the issue. It's a vicious circle. Kids love their parents because their parents fell in love with them unconditionally the moment they were born. It takes a long time for a SP to get to love a step-child if ever, so it also can only take a long time for a child to start to love their SP. If the SP does much of the not so much part of being a parent, ie. chores, resentment will grow and that will affect the ability to start loving that child. The child will feel it and in return will not experience any love for the SP. As such, they will not give them the affection they reserve their parents.

I think the idea that you can act as a step family in the same way than another family is only a dream in most cases. It does work when the taken very slowly, and the duties are not taken on by the female as it maybe would in a non step family.

My view is that recomposed families go most wrong because they are rushed. The process of developing as a loving family doesn't have the time to set before resentment gets in the way. The man doesn't have time to learn to be a parent, just transferring the parental task he doesn't care for, ironically, the same tasks that often broke the first family.

All the things that SM seem to do here for the SCs jumps at me because even 40 years ago, my dad did so much more than many men seem to do here. Can't cook a meal? Really, that's enough of an excuse for them not to do it? I'm the worse cook too (as my kids loved to point out to me), their dad and my partner cook much better than I, but I have never expected him to cook just because I am not a natural chef. I've developed my skills and with time managed to cook meals a bit more appealing.

I think that often, the issue is that SMs have allowed their partners to have it easy, they took it for granted assuming their partner was happy to pick up the chores and that they enjoyed it rather than doing so to make their lives easier, and then don't understand when their partner suddenly expects to be appreciated for it. The same conflict is experienced by so many couples especially when the woman is a SAHM, being a SM makes it even more conflictual because of the fact that they don't even get the satisfaction of a 'I love you' from the kids.

From what I've read over the years, men are often accused of being disney dads, but I think a lot of men are enabled to be so by their wives/partners by taking on the tedious side of parenting and leaving them with just doing what's fun.

I think that (on the whole) there is not a lot of support on mnet for step parents.
A few days ago I was reading a zombie thread that had been resurrected and was amazed at the different tone on there. People were posting deeply honest feelings and the backlash / borderline venom you see on some threads today just wasn’t there.

I think there are other forums far more supportive and I’m on one of them. Completely different tone and I don’t want to post it here in case it too gets infiltrated by people with their own personal agendas against step parents.I sadly think that in mnet there are a fair number of people who post on this board because they may be dealing with their kids going to a SM. And brutally speaking, they hate it. They don’t want this other person anywhere near their kids, resent this persons presence being anywhere near their children and will fundamentally never support it.

I don’t understand that thought process at all. I’m not legally a SM as my DP and I aren’t married. But my DC go off with my ex for contact and I am fully supportive and positive. My DC are already struggling with the constant displacement between two homes, they have that emotional adjustment to make everytime they move between us. I cannot add any extra burden to them emotionally.

My DP’s DC arrive and it is the polar opposite. DP’s EW is hellbent on not supporting his DC building any form of a relationship with me and it shows: clearly through his Dc’s emotional issues. And his EW behaviour.
The result is that although I remain kind, warm, welcoming, it is to a point. have detached from his DC and am not as emotionally invested anymore. As a Mum myself, I can’t understand what drives any person to deliberately create a wedge between their children and someone caring for them. It’s deeply narcissistic, emotionally unstable behaviour. The only people who suffer are the children.

Yes being a SM (even unofficially) is the hardest position I have ever been in and for me it’s because of the EW. I look at these poor children and think they are going to be incredibly messed up within years if she doesn’t stop. There’s a special place in hell for people like this.

@TooSassy....I agree wholeheartedly with everything you say.

EW here is terribly bitter about being ‘abandoned’ by my OH, and she can’t quite hide that bitterness. It was an awful experience, being dumped the way she was...and in some respects I do feel very sorry for her.

But she has chosen to carry a huge burden of bitterness with her for 7yrs, not shielding her children from it, and it has seeped into their every fibre. They are anxious and debilitated by her internalised fury.

I came in the scene 3yrs after their divorce, and she HATES me. She has seriously wounded any prospect of a mutual respect between us, and that is very sad for her children.

@TooSassy @Sessy19 i am really really sorry you're getting venom from the EW. It's so unproductive and destructive. I agree with you that driving a wedge by drop feeding the kids vitriol is awful behaviour with far reaching consequences for those poor kids. I was a step kid with a multitude of new SMs to contend with as a kid and I want to be the polar opposite to my DSDs. I aim to be consistent, caring and give them structure as much as I can - while not taking all the chores on for their dad. He has had to learn to parent in a rush and to some extent I have supported that - because - you do - but he is a quick learner. When with his XP he worked away most f the week and just came back (to be probably a bit of a disney at home) just for a day while his poor old XP took up all the slack. I try to support her as best I can because i think it's good for the kids to see adults behaving politely and well after a breakup - they learn it all from us don't they!

But it can be quite irritating when you've been stretching your family home budget love and attention out across an extra 2 kids all weekend then they don't bother to say goodbye when they leave or you find they've hidden all manner of your kids bits and bobs around the house - it is.

@TooSassy - I too agree with everything you say & your situation mirrors mine. My dp's kids are being emotionally brutalised by their dm's attitude to their dad, me & my kids. It's horrible to see it happening & dp is getting to the point where he is thinking of court ordering a psychological investigation.
The woman's bitterness is unreal & the vitriol she is spewing at the kids is getting worse & worse. She just refuses to let them be happy with their dad & his new life.