Is there really any support for step parents

[easylover]

I think the majority of us step mums are trying our best and I think it's a tough job. We do get put down a lot and seen as evil but we're really not. I hear a lot how it's harder for the dcs and yeh that's probably true being a step daughter myself I remember how it felt, but we do have feelings too and sometimes it's hard to be the grown up all the time and just give give give and get nothing back. Why do people hate us so much? I love my life with my dp 2 dcs and 2 sdcs but sometimes I find it tough, anyone else? I just don't think there is much support x

[TooSassy]

Magda72, please think very carefully before asking for that. Firstly it is highly unusual for a court to grant that. And if they do, the evals will be done on both parties. Some of these EW’s are highly articulate and convincing individuals. Combine that with manipulation that has no limits and a deep seated vitriol and bitterness, it can (IMO) not help the situation.

I’ve come to the conclusion that any parent doing this to their child over an extended period feeds off the drama. It’s their oxygen and mode of engagment. Throwing more at them feeds the beast. Be cautiously oiled be my advice x

[TooSassy]

Lol

*would be my advice

[Magda72]

I agree @TooSassy, but we're in Ireland where the system is slightly different & where family law is quite different to that in the UK. Dp would use it only as a last resort and the first step is definitely a solicitors letter.
I also agree that these women feed off the drama & it's best not to feed it but his ex has crossed so many boundaries at this stage that it can't continue like this or the kids are going to be in real trouble.
He'll proceed with caution & see how it goes.

[Kokeshi123]

I'm not a step parent. My sister is one and a very good one---but then it's been easy for her as she has great step kids.

I've seen so many threads where the most appalling behavior among kids and teenagers is routinely excused and justified, while any deviation from saintly-smiling-perfection (24 hours a day) on behalf of the stepmother is seen as grounds for a character assassination. The step mother is expected to be a paragon. The kids (even big teenagers, who would have been employed and helping to support the family a couple of generations ago) aren't even expected to be vaguely polite or reasonable.

[TooSassy]

Magda, sounds much better then! Fingers crossed you manage to navigate the kids through it all.

I’ve come to the conclusion that Step parenting is a team sport, and it ultimately can only be a success if all parents and exes and new partners are prepared to put the children first. And leave their own agendas to one side. As soon as you have anyone in this dynamic who has a different agenda, the whole situation becomes so much more difficult.

I feel personally heartbroken over the situation I find myself in. When I first met DP’s DC’s we all gelled very naturally and happily, a lovely bond was formed and was in the process of being built. That bond has been destroyed as a result of the EW. The DC’s are evidently very conflicted when they are with us: they want to see me (and ask for me if I do absent myself from contact) and yet can spend nearly a whole day completely ignoring me. They’re young, that isn’t their natural state and it breaks my heart, because I know it isn’t them. They’re innocent and naturally open and within a year I’ve seen them become unnaturally guarded and closed with glimmers of the old them coming out towards the end of contact periods. It makes me cry, I cannot imagine what it must be like to be them.

I continue to give very real thought as to whether my presence in their lives is positive and whether I am better walking away as then there is slim chance that the conflict will lessen for them. I’m also not happy and increasingly find the situation incredibly stressful. It introduces a completely unhealthy dynamic into my life, one which I have never had.

So yes it is incredibly hard, because I simply think not enough people can put their own issues to one side and focus on the little people they’ve been blessed with.

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

@Kokeshi123 thank you! I have felt like I do one tiny thing and all hell breaks loose, but my step kids can totally exclude me and that is not only excused but used as a mark of how awful I must somehow be. It’s really such a relief to see that you and others may actually see through this!

Even on these boards a SM is often accused of ‘not telling the full story’ as if there must be something awful they’ve done in order for their DSCs to act the way they are. It’s very, very biased.

@magda your DP really seems to be waking up to his EW. The fact that he is now seeing her influence as key is massively positive for everyone, and your relationship. You obviously did the right thing by drawing a line in the sand and not moving in with him. If you had, he may never have been forced to realise how off key everything is. Good luck! Hope it works out. You sound like a team now.

@toosassy I’m really sorry it’s very hard for you. Being ignored is very hurtful, and isn’t less hurtful because they are kids. They might be fine, short term, my DSCs are not bothered by their indiffference towards me. For kids, as long as their parents are fine with them, we aren’t that important. For now. Their own lives will be quite all consuming. However, I do think that in the long term this is going to affect them. It can’t be great to feel that to have a good relationship with your Mum, you’ve got to exclude your father’s partner. I wonder how my DSCs will feel. I think the older ones are becoming a bit bewildered and confused. They expect me to be eternally kind and attentive, despite rejecting me, but now I’m not they don’t know what to do or say. I think they are getting quite conflicted.

[TooSassy]

Bananas, I think the whole support system is fundamentally not geared to meet the demands of the society we live in.

Divorce/ separation is more prevalent than ever. So families with new partners/ children from multiple relationships coming together is a far more common scenario. Then take a segment of people who utterly believe (and this is the case in at least 95% of RL conversations I have had) that primary care should reside with the mother and that this is their god given right. Layer on top of this fathers (who in most cases are not the primary carer) wanting more contact with their DC - including 50%/50% residency (which years ago was far less common).
The family court system / social services etc are all ridiculously overwhelmed by the increasing burdens on them. And you have a recipe for one thing; conflict. Which is all this is about. And the poor children are caught slap bang in the middle of it.

It's all created a melting pot of disaster proportions. Experts are not trained nor do they have the bandwidth to identify signs of emotional abuse/ manipulation. Children as young as 5 are being interviewed (as the right to have their voice heard) and experts expect all of these children to be honest? Equally society supports women choosing to want to continue to be SAHM even post separation, with zero expectation that 50%/ 50% should be the norm with both parents continuing to work and support their families.

I am incensed at the amount of women who think it is their god given right to sit at home and expect their exes to continue to pay maintenance to them, whilst at the same time they plow all energies into manipulating their children and disrupting contact arrangements. All because they can. They have the time and their exes money to wreak all the havoc they want. It's a complete joke.

The sad news is this. I think it will take at least 10-15 years for the tide to change. It will take a combination of the current generation of SC growing up and having a very real voice talking about the emotional abuse / manipulation they sustained at the hands of a parent. They will be the ones to fight for changes to the current system and woefully under resourced social workers, family courts.

I also hope that Parental leave laws will change the dynamic from the offset. And what needs to start happening is that society/ workplaces are more geared to both parents playing an active part in a child's upbringing. Flexible working will become increasingly the norm and hopefully we will see a society where increasingly both parents share care of a child.

If a separation then occurs, the starting point is 50% 50% residency, no discussion. In the younger generations I absolutely see the men not accepting that they wont play a very active role in their children's upbringing. I also see a generation of women, not expecting to give up their careers and trying to make it all work better than it does today. I'm hoping for a brighter future, because the reality is that this world of 'blended' families will become increasingly the norm. We are all living longer and its a fact.

We as a society have to get better equipped to living in it. And at nipping the deeply unhealthy behaviours of the golden uterus clubs in the bud.

[NorthernSpirit]

@Toosassy - very wise words

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

@toosassy agree with Northern, we are ignoring SMs concerns at our peril. Nearly half of families will be with a step parent, and although some families do seem okay, I see so many that are very tense and fraught. How can that be good for the children?

Although personally I’m not a fan of 50/50, unless the parents work really well together. 50/50 doesn’t happen very much within marriages, so my hunch is it is more about parents own needs than the kids. We had 50/50 of two of my DPs kids and in the end they just wanted to stay in one place. However they didn’t have a voice until they were past childhood. Also my DP was the main earner, leading to a very unworkable situation I felt, where I was the carer for his kids as he physically could not work part time and pay for two houses. The kids resented me as parent. Their mother began to default the parenting to us and the kids were not parented well. Yet she still held on to the control aspect, telling my DP what to do, telling her kids not to listen to me. It became part of the unhealthy dynamic, with her treating our house as her own. If both parents share parenting equally (including both working part time) before the divorce then I think there is a much better transition to this kind of agreement

It’s the bitterness and resentment, and guilty Disney Dad syndrome that is crucial for me. Good boundaries between divorced parents. The mother allowing her children to be parented by a SM as well as their father. Yes parented! Not just hiding as an outsider. Allowing the Dad and SM to form a team. Whatever works best, usually Dad being structured and having discipline, allowing SM to have more of a fun and kind relationship.

I do believe that healthy attitudes from the parents are the absolute key. And that these involve some great sacrifices. The mother has to allow another woman into her kids life, and her Exes. She doesn’t have to like the new partner, but if she can let the SM have space to form her own relationship, then her children will benefit. My oldest son as a SM, who he does get on with, I never bad mouth her, I allow him to talk about her openly and do not let my own feelings colour his. It’s possible!

And the fathers do need to let go of their own need to be more loved and needed by their children after divorce. It’s their own self worth that they are stoking up with a Disney parenting. They have to weather their children being cross with them because they have rules, like my DP said recently. It’s only when I came along that he realised that he needed to parent sometimes, and that his kids would not always like it. If Dads don’t do this, then as soon as a SM comes along the kids will see any change as from the SM and immediately resent them.

And finally people breaking up with kids need to let go of each other!

My DP probably felt good about his Ex continuing to need him so much. It made him feel he was still a great guy. She even told him he was ‘the Best Ex ever!’ What a nightmare for our relationship though. There can’t be three people in it. Daily texts are not about the kids no matter how anyone dresses it up.

I do fiercely believe that we have to change as a society and support these second relationships. The stability they offer to everyone is important for the children. Instead we are stuck in some ancient ignorance that SMs are bad for children and must be vilified and chased away. I feel sad that my own son has had to experience a second relationship break up, first with his Dad and then a step Dad. It’s not good for them at all.

Rant over! Apologies!

for all the step parents out there who are trying their best.

[NewLevelsOfTiredness]

@TooSassy Yes (although I think the situation is marginally better here in Denmark where SAHPs are much less common and 50/50 custody is more common)

The sad news is this. I think it will take at least 10-15 years for the tide to change. It will take a combination of the current generation of SC growing up and having a very real voice talking about the emotional abuse / manipulation they sustained at the hands of a parent. They will be the ones to fight for changes to the current system and woefully under resourced social workers, family courts.

However, the current generation of SC are only going to want to fight this way if they can see that their SP was trying their best and sincerely had the SC best interests at heart. If the DM/DF on the other side is trying to corrupt this perception then it's an immense amount of effort on our parts to stay above it and show the SC that we're not the bad guys. So no pressure on us then!

(I will say, every time I say 'we' - I do think us SFs have it much easier than you SMs in general, it's heartbreaking some of what I read on here. My SD's dad hates my existence due to his feelings for his ex, but he never involves the kids)

[swingofthings]

Reading things here I think many men need to grow a pair and stop thinking that they need help because they can't do it all.

There are numerous single parents with full time care of their kids who manage to work FT and still pick up responsibility of full parenting.

Yes it might mean costly childcare for some years but that's part of the package.

I don't agree that SP should be entitled to parent their SCs but fathers shouldn't think they are entitled to rely on their partner just because they work FT whether they have EOW or 50/50 care.

[TooSassy]

I just feel so sad reading all these posts. @newlevels, I am 100% behind you on the heartbreaking element. I also cannot comment on what the split is for SF's/ SM's but my own personal experience echo's yours. My ex has found it very hard to accept that my DP plays the part in his DC's lives. But to his absolute credit, he can see that our DC's like him and have accepted him, and as a result (as in your case), he has not once, made the children feel conflicted in anyway about my DP.

@bananas, I don't think 50%/ 50% will be the case for all. But I do absolutely believe that that is where the starting point of conversations should begin. As opposed to the current norm which is one weekend and fortnight and one night midweek. I am a WOHM, with heaps of pressure and demands. If someone turned to me and said 'right you're now divorced and you can see your kids 4 nights out of 14', I would go absolutely ballistic. Why should I be in that position and why should that be 'the norm?'. I'm a parent, just as my EH is. My rights should not and do not supercede his. To have a system that says they should is completely unacceptable. My ex and I have gotten to a 40%/ 60% split and the DC wouldn't have it any other way. As they get older, that may change but I seriously doubt it.

I completely agree with you on the healthy attitudes part; but I don't see this society or the system changing that. Manipulative parents will continue to do what they do if they can get away with it. It will only change when professionals start to understand the problem more and courts start to come down on these parents and recognise the serious harm and impact emotional abuse / controlling behaviours has on children.

The problem you have is if on the surface the primary carer is a good parent. The children appear well on the surface, it is very difficult for anyone to say, actually, we do think the parent with primary custody is not supportive of contact and as a result, either that parent stops doing what they are doing and becomes supportive. Or they risk losing the children. Because, as much as a parent may be emotionally manipulative, no child wants to be taken away from that parent and their main environment. Of course they don't. The manipulation becomes the lesser of two evils and despite every professional knowing what is happening, who in this day and age, has the courage to be the one to stand up and say 'take the children away. cause more havoc to them now, in order to prevent damage from what we cant prove, but think is happening?'. We don't live in a society (yet) where that sort of courage exists. Anywhere.

My DP has had numerous investigations opened against him. All shut down and cleared. Each professional at some point has had a side conversation with him, telling him to keep fighting but to be smart and always have another person present during contact to protect him against further allegations from his EW. I'm simply speechless. Because they can all clearly see what the EW is doing, but seem to be absolutely ok with it and instead the onus is on my DP to always ensure he has another person there for contact to protect himself against a vicious vindictive individual. They appear resigned to the situation, with one person in the court system stating that the judges don't bat an eyelid at the extreme allegations they have to deal with everyday. But putting the children at the center of it, they accept that the children are still better remaining with the primary carer. Because children need that stability if all other boxes are ticked. In all other respects my DP's EW is a model citizen/ parent.

This is a system that has normalised the deeply unhealthy behaviours of some deeply disturbed and vindictive individuals. Until more of these parents lose primary custody and/ or get thrown in jail for deliberately subverting the system, nothing will change.

[laloup1]

Hi @magda72 have you a social services assessment option to consider in parallel? If the problems reach their threshold for interest it might be easier to get than the psych assessment. Certainly we have been told by school doctor etc that they will give opinions to social services that they won’t provide to family court. And might pave the way (as we are hoping) to a psych assessment.
I do have a friend who had psych assessment ordered by the uk courts. As a direct result of the results he was given full custody of the children.