Estranged step children

[Paigeamie]

Hi,

Firstly thank you for allowing me to join you ladies. I am looking to get peoples opinion on something. I'm a mum of two adult children and step mum to one for the last six years I have been with my partner. Recently his two estranged children have come back into his life and both have children. I am struggling with it all at the min, he is wanting me to play grandma to the children and infact has arranged one to come for the weekend. There is several things upsetting me at the moment. One of the step children is now in touch daily and seems to be taking up a lot of partners time, during our usual lunchtime call yesterday, someone else was trying to get though to him and he didn't say who it was. He then didn't seem that interested in our call and so I said I would let him go and call whoever back. When asking last night if he had he said it was a accident claims thing however I then saw on his phone locked screen that it was said step child as there was a missed call from them at that time. Why lie? The other issue is he keeps putting me in a position where I can't say no because I would be the bad person. We were supposed to be going out for anniversary week and then without thinking he invited my daughter and before I knew it the steps were all coming too. But he sorted it with them and then said is it ok with you. Then this week he asked about having grandchild saying he wanted to make sure I was ok with it but then drops in conversation that he had already spoke to them about it, so yet again if I had disagreed I would have been the bad one. We are now having a child I have never met from Friday to Sunday which I think is also a bit unfair on them as they don't know us. He keeps saying that i'm most important and that he doesn't want it affecting us but his actions feel like the opposite. All this has happened in the space of about a month

Sorry about the long post but I don't know where to turn. I don't really have anyone to talk to.

I think he lied because you are resentful of any time he is spending with them. Do you live together?

If you haven’t met them, you are hardly “playing grandma” but I agree a weekend is a long time to meet his grandchildren.
I think you have to let it evolve and see how their relationship pans out.
In 6 months it is likely things will have settled down and they won’t be over every weekend.

First off you're not the most important in your husband a life. Why should you be?. Family should all be about treating everyone as equally important. My adult stepson is as important as everyone else in the family. In fact I love my husband all the more for how loyal he is to all of his children. The fact your husband's got back in contact with his children must make it a very exciting yet difficult time for him and them. You don't seem in the least bit happy that this is happened and resentful of them. I think it'd be far more productive in the long run if at this point in time you prioritise getting there relationship back on a good footing. If you start acting like the way it sounds you have been you will draw a wedge he's a between yourself and the children or your husband and yourself.
At the moment I would hope he is trying to prioritise them as he needs to build bridges. You should be supporting him in this as much as you can and not getting Petty over things like anniversaries.
He's not being open and honest with you because you're making it very difficult for him with what sounds like a negative attitude towards his children.
I do agree though having a child stay for three days it doesn't know you is very tight on the child if you have never met them. If you are welcoming and supportive now it will pay dividends in the years to come

How old are they? How long have you been together?

He shouldn't be lying to you..this will increase your resentment and dislike of the situation..it's very important he is open and honest with you and you make all arrangements TOGETHER. It's impprtant for your relationship and for how the SC treat you in the future.
If he is already excluding you it can go really badly..Talk to him honestly now..also if you don't want an adult SC you never met in your home for a whole weekend you are perfectly entitled to say so.

Re this who is most important thing..Life is too short..different people at different stages take priority..You should be most important as far as making arrangements and decisions re your home at all times though..

Thank you for your comments and I will take them on board. I am happy for them and do get on with his daughter the mum of the grandchild that is coming, she has 3 he has asked me to be their grandma it is not just my perception of the situation. I haven contacted her to find out what he likes to eat to make sure he has something over the weekend. Despite how it comes accross I am a kind hearted person and I spend all my time looking after the famiIy and I always put everyone before myfelf. I don't feel resentful at all. She was in his life when we first got together but she went off the scene for a while. But I do feel that instead of letting things happen naturally he is pushing for everything to be perfect with everyone not just with me but his daughter who has been in his life all the time.

I would also like to say that I am also going through a difficult time at work and have other stressors going on. I am going to see my GP next week as I am not coping full stop.

They are your family too.

Its wonderful you both have this opportunity.

Having children makes you examine your relationship with your own parents. I'm guessing this is what has happened.

It's giving your husband a chance to heal past hurts and establish new bonds with children he probably thought he had lost. This is so so important.

If you share his joy he will share everything with you. He's keeping things from you as he's conflicted. He sees you struggling with the perceived intrusion and he's trying to please all.

Seize this opportunity with both hands. Embrace it. I can't tell you how precious it is.

Thank you whitecat They older ones are 27 and 28. And the grandchildren 9, 7 and 2. Are the 27yr old the other also has 3 children. It is the grandchild coming this weekend who is 9. I think it's the decision making thing that I am finding hard. As I said it feels like plans are made and then i'm asked if im ok with it but feel that I don't then have a choice. Ie the grandchild thing he discussed with them and got the the grandchild excites so i'd be bad if I said I wasn't happy. Which i'm ok with but could have discussed the ins and outs ie where would they sleep and the fact that they will have to be up at 6.00 am on Sat. Etc

Thank you for replying. Your update makes it all a lot more clear. What might help is to have a chat with your husband explain how delighted you are to have everyone back in your lives but to make it work as well as it can could you please just double check arrangements with you.

Well ive tries to talk about how I feel about him running things past me/ talking about arrangements and I think i've said the wrong thing. It was on the phone earlier and i just know I said the wrong thing. I'm dreading going home now. Why is this soo hard.

The other issue is he keeps putting me in a position where I can't say no because I would be the bad person
The thing is, if he is asked, he either has to say no not possible, yes we'll do it, or I'll have to consult Paigeamie. If the latter and you say no, then yes, they might wonder if it was you saying no, but then again, you can jointly come up with an excuse. What would you want him to say?

I expect he is ecstatic at having his family again, and realising what he's missed, so it's a bit inevitable that he will give them all a lot of time to make up for what he's lost. It will probably settle. Re. the grandchild, is the mum going away for these days? How far away? I think it's a bit cheeky unless she is able to come back quickly if the child is very unhappy/you're very stressed.

He plans things with them and then says ive said we will do this is that ok so if I had have said well no i'm not happy or said about the length of time he would perceive that I have an issue with it. I will point out that he has always been very protective of his other daughter to the point that he has often chastised my daughter but I have been unable to say anything to his for fear of what he will say and even he has admitted to this.

The mum of the grandchild is not going away it was the partners idea to have him all weekend.

I don’t think anyone else should be invited to your anniversary!

It’s tricky to negotiate relationships and many people like my DP find it difficult, so end up fudging it and hiding it. The estranged step kids may well be being extra attention seeking as they seek to make up for lost time, or to reinstate things.

However things have moved on while they’ve been estranged. Your DP May be so grateful that they are back that he is pretending things haven’t changed. It’s a shock all round.

It’s all an adjustment. There’s no one answer, but your DP being open and asking you about weekends and anniversaries is one thing you could ask. You might also need to show willing too, to meet and support him by reaching out, so making a genuine effort on the weekend to accept them and get to know them. It might be fun to have the kids around. Show him you support him and he’ll trust you enough to be more open again.

I think what also makes it worse is that I don't 100% trust this older SD I have been told that when first getting back in touch with him she spoke to the youngest and said that now she is 18 they can be in touch without dad being involved. There is also a couple of other things that I have been told which I know she has lied about but they are a bit personal to go into. When we went out the anniversary night the older SS said a few things about his dad that I didn't agree with and I defended his dad and later told his dad. Because of this, despite the fact he was annoyed about it too and I stuck up for him, yesterday he accused me of always having issues with his kids and not my own. I have never been able to discipline the youngest due to fear of what he might say however he has never had an issue with doing it to mine, even under his own admittance sometimes unnecessarily. I don't see why voicing my concerns is "having issues" and if they are to be staying in our home and him wanting me to accept them as my own I shouldn't be scared to voice my concerns.

I think my best action here is to just be myself, take one day at a time and see how things go. Let what ever will be will be, I just hope they don't take advantage of the past distance.

Nothing more was said yesterday about when I explained how I felt about discussing plans/ideas with me before offering them to otherd. I'd like to think that is because he can see my point of view. Apologising is not one of his strongest traits.

It's a learning curve for us all and he has to realise that me and the rest of the family are not always going to be as happy with everything as he is and vice versa.

Thank you all for your comments. It has been really helpful and thought provoking. Really helped to talk it through with neural parties. X

There's clearly quite a bit of history there and you seem to indeed have issues with his children. He sounds like a man caught in the middle. Let him have a relationship with his children, just make it clear that you are not so interested in being involved.

Re. the grand kid, I would say fine if that's what you want to do and already worked it out, but you look after them, cook, entertain etc... You shouldn't have to do so if you don't want to.

There is and without going into a long conversation a post on here doesn't always explain things clearly and can be misinterpreted. I don't have issues with his kids and like I said I do get on with them all. I think discussing concerns about kids is a natural part of parenting whether they be step or biological... we were both discussing a concern about my daughter this morning. I have also never said I don't want to be involved.

I just feel that as a couple it is important to work together to support each other. If one starts going the other way but expecting the other to just be happy with everything then that's not healthy. I want this to work which is why I am trying to discuss and come up with mutual agreements.

I am not a bad person. I will also point out that i too come from a broken home where my dad was out of my life for over 20 years and then came back only to hurt me again after several years. I know from personal experience how hard it can be and I would not therefore cause the same kind of pain to them and would fight to prevent that happening. I Just want it to work for everyone.

I don't see why voicing my concerns is "having issues" no it’s not. This is a bit of a red flag, my DP did this. He could say stuff and discipline my son however if I raised concerns about his kids in any way there would be extreme defensiveness. It is an impossible and very isolated position to be as a SM, and be wary you will be scapegoated.

Reflecting back now, I see that the dysfunctional behaviour in DPs first family got that way because they closed down to ‘outside’ comment.

The fact that they were estranged in the first place is a sign of their own dysfunction.

I’m more inclined to think now, from what you’ve described, that your instincts of feeling very uncomfortable are right. Your DP is not treating you as an equal at all. This may have been manageable before, but now there his other kids are back in the picture, and being manipulative too, it may become unbearable for you.

Your DP by not letting you and him have an equal voice even before this happened, is not going to now listen to you at all. He’s done the opposite, made decisions without you instead. He seems part of the dysfunction, not an innocent player, and therefore will take it out on you if you say the truth. It’s not healthy you are right. But they will all defend their unhealthy behaviour!

I’ve been there. DPs oldest did a shocking thing to both her parents a while ago, estranged them and then did something very worrying. I just voiced that it was worrying when it finally came out. Just that, I did not say a bad word against her. And yet DP and DSD and her mother etc came down on me like a tonne of bricks! They were so defensive that even one word made them all group together and pour all their anger towards me. I felt like I had walked into another country where the ‘worrying thing’ was just normal and everyone treated me as if I had revealed my outsider status by questioning the status quo.

The dysfunction serves a purpose, like your older DSCs. They will have gained power from withdrawing which is now being used. You can see that. Your DP does not want to see that.

Bananasinpyjamas11. Thank you so so much you've hit the nail on the head it is comforting to know it is not just me being unreasonable. I also now worry that if the grandchildren are mis behaving am I going to be able to say something or is it going to be the same situation.

I hope your situation has got easier.

I am going to just see how this weekend goes and take things from there.

One good thing that has come out of this is that the youngest SD, whom has been around all the time, and I have had some really good conversations recently and the barriers are coming down a bit there.

Sounds very sensible. And it’s very positive youngest DSD has been more open, you may have given her a less dramatic structure in her life which will serve her well.

I’m breaking up with my DP as the stress was too much. However it’s interesting that your youngest trusts you. My youngest DSDs don’t visit, and are indifferent like the older ones, yet I think they don’t have negative feelings towards me as I spent more time being a steady figure in their lives. You may find that too.

Good luck!

I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sure there is an happy ending out there for you.

Thank you for your support.

Look after yourself 😘

Could you ask him to discuss things with you first if you're involvement and presence is required. That's just courtesy.

It's rather annoying when it seems like a done deal and if you say no, you become the bad guy. I notice this is something men do moreso than women.

You can also express that you knie it's an exciting time for him, but you're feeling dragged along you fast and your preference would be to slow it down.

You aren't their grandma, you aren't going to have those feelings for kids you've just met. Forcing it will only be damaging for all concerned.

Assert yourself so you aren't pushed into accepting things. If I felt a child pushed like this...I'd more likely go away for the weekend and leave him to it.

I see you've spoken to him. Hopefully he'll understand where you're coming from.

UPDATE.... so said grandchild came Friday night, he was very sweet and very quiet and I did my best to make him feel welcome.

We was out all day Saturday and it was a very early morning for him. Sill very quiet all day in fact said barely anything, when we got home my son and his gf were visiting plus my daughter was home with her bf and DP youngest daughter was home. Because of all the banter etc he perked up a little... until bed time when we had gone up he shouted my DP and asked if he would take him to his nannas. As I suspected it was all a bit much for him, these kids have been through a traumatic time recently and saw something horrible their DD did to their mum and I think the big thing they need right now is stability.

Myself and DP talked more over the weekend and I feel like he understands things more. Time will tell how things will go but one thing I have learned is I need to talk to DP more instead of bottling it up and brewing over it. And as you say SandyY2k I need to be more assertive.