Struggling with young step child

[cluelessstepmum]

Hi, my partner and I have been together for 2 years and he often has his 3 year old step daughter to stay (at least three times overnight during the week and then every other weekend Friday through until Monday).

I don't have any children of my own and have no other experience with young children but I'm finding I'm really struggling with being a step mum. I feel almost resentful of the situation as whenever the step daughter comes round it's like I am invisible, I slip to the bottom of the pile and anything I say becomes irrelevant.

I'm very invested in my career and often find that when I've finished at work I just want 10 minutes to relax, but when I get home I need to launch myself into family life and cook/clean/play with my step daughter. If I ever ask for 10 minutes to unwind my partner becomes obviously annoyed, accused me of isolating myself and not spending enough time with the family. I then obviously feel guilty and will try to get more involved, but recently it feels fake and that makes me feel worse.

I am completely aware that I shouldn't be projecting anything negative towards his daughter and so often will let things bottle up during the times we have her, but then when it comes to him and I being on our own I don't have the energy as it always ends up in a fight and I'm made out to be an evil step mother trying to create issues when there aren't any.

Has anyone ever been in this position before and do any of you have any advice?! I'm at the point where I feel so selfish for feeling this way I'm contemplating ending the relationship.

Thanks I'm advance

Is it because he can't cope with her on his own?

I don't think so - he's an amazing dad and they have a fantastic bond. Perhaps that also contributes to how I feel in terms of I feel inadequate?

You need to accept that whereas you see this child is an extension to your relationship with your OH, someone who comes and go to your joint unit, your OH considers her as a full part of his life as much as you are, if not, indeed more. It is a hard concept to consider when you build your relationship with a man and this 'addition' only comes when the commitment is made.

Saying that, of course you should be able to have 10 minutes (or an hour or a whole evening) for yourself to unwind if you feel like it. He is clearly excited to share his joy at seeing his daughter, but he himself will have to learn to accept that you are unlikely to ever feel as excited to spend time with her as he does. You also shouldn't be expected to clean, cook etc... That's his role.

Don't feel that you have to do as he says because you still feel you need to show your approval of his choices. At the same time, try to get used to the idea that there is someone else special than you in his life and you will have no choice but to share his attention and love.

Thank you swingofthings that's really helpful advice.

I think you're right in that I need to accept his daughter will always come first (and rightly so!) I guess that sometimes I get frustrated as it seems him and I never have any quality time together and I'm always pushed to the side.

It doesn't help that he can be quite verbally abusive sometimes (in that he'll call me names and belittle me) and will make me feel small and silly for even having these feelings so I don't have anyone to talk to.

I'm only 24 so I don't know anyone else in my position

It doesn't help that he can be quite verbally abusive sometimes (in that he'll call me names and belittle me) and will make me feel small and silly for even having these feelings so I don't have anyone to talk to. Run away now. The problem is not you or your stepchild.

Hi @cluelessstepmum - end the relationship - not because of your partners dd but because of your partner.
Verbal abuse is every bit as wrong as physical abuse & will get no better.
Run. And do not look back - no matter how much he tells you he loves you.

Easier said than done when you have a house and a life together, as I'm sure you know.

I want to know that I've tried everything before giving up and don't want to leave thinking that I was partly responsible for his behaviour due to my lack of enthusiasm for the situation etc

I would put a time limit on it if I were you. If he doesn't stop the verbal abuse, leave.
You are only 24. It will be much harder when you are older and have your own children.

You're too young to have to deal with this. At 24 you have you're at your prime and don't need to settle for this and deal with the baggage.

I'd advise my daughter against a relationship with a man with a child....not unless she was nearly 40.