Ex’s wedding - help me draft a response!

[TabbyTigger]

So my DD1 is not biologically related to me, she is DH’s from an earlier relationship. They split before DD1 was born but managed to sort of patchily co-parent until she was about 3, when DD1’s mum got a job that involved moving to Berlin and decided to leave DD1 with DH (he was willing to give up everything and move to Germany to be near them but DD1’s birth mother said that would make it impossible to “start afresh” and rejected those plans). When I met DH DD1 was 4, and I met her when she was 5. She’s now 14. I adopted her when she was 9, it was a smooth process - her mum agreed, had been paying minimum maintenance and had come over to see DD1 once in the 6 years she’d lived abroad (but came over a few times in between to see old friends...) and DH had taken DD1 over there to visit four times but had to stay in hotels/airbnbs because ex wouldn’t let them stay with her (she has a new partner and two new daughters and said she didn’t have space and didn’t want want to disrupt their family life), and then only met up with the them a days so it was an expensive and somewhat unrewarding venture for DH.

Since the adoption went through DH has taken DD1 out twice more (but receives the same level of cooperation) and we made the visit a family holiday and tried to arrange for DD1 to spend some time with ex while we didn’t other things, but again ex wasn’t very cooperative.

A few weeks ago I received a text from from ex asking if DD1 would be bridesmaid for her wedding and if I could please pay for flights and accommodation for DD1. I asked why she couldn’t just stay with ex and her family and got the usual vague response about disruption, so it would mean either me or DH going with DD1 as I don’t want her staying on her own. Ex then gave us the dates - they’re when we are meant to be on holiday. I have spoken to DD (who is now 14) about it, and she says she’d rather come on holiday than attend this wedding. She has always said she feels awkward around ex (who she doesn’t even call mum - she calls her by her name and now calls me mum) and knows ex hasn’t made her particularly welcome (even though we’ve tried our best to hide that and make excuses for ex).

How do I tell the ex that DD1 won’t be attending her wedding? (or should I be pushing DD1 to go?).

Current draft is:
Hello,
I’ve spoken to DD1 and she’s not keen on the idea of coming. She doesn’t feel she knows the rest of your family very well, and the dates clash with our holiday which she was really looking forward to! If you’d like to arrange something for later in summer I’d be more than happy to work out how to facilitate that.

She doesn’t have DD1’s number and she’s asked for it but I don’t want DD1 to have to deal with the situation on her own.

Wow. She gave up her right to be called mum a long long time ago.

Luckily your dd has you to protect her

That message doesn't warrant a reply.
You sound like a great mum!

You are dd mum now, she needs reminding of this.
She has two others but has blown it with your dd.

Tell her dd doesn't want to do it, as it's "disrupting for her life".
Then go no contact, you are her mum, this woman is no more than a stranger now, having given birth and giving up rights to your daughter.

You sound like a lovely mum. She's lucky to have you. If she doesn't want to go then I'd tell ex just that. She's your daughter, if she'd be uncomfortable then she should just look forward to the holiday you're going on. Hope all works out okay, let us know how you get on.

They are busy the rest of the summer???

Beyond words

I honestly wouldn't reply. Next time she asks to see DD I would be explaining that you can't afford to find anymore trips but as always she is free to visit DD here but just to check dates first for school trips and holidays.

I have no idea how you haven’t just told her to fuck right off OP

You’re a better woman than I am

What a deluded bitch! She disowned her daughter but now wants her to drop everything and dance to her tune?

Fuck that.

Keep it short, simple and civil. But do not back down.

She isn't her mother, she is biologically related, but she's no mother.

Surprising how many parents move on with new partners and families and leave other kids in the past. It's mostly fathers so very surprising when it's actually the mother!

OP, you sound like you have handled everything really well so far. I think you should continue to trust your own judgement. Adopting DD, handling her birth mum for her when it is difficult, supporting her choices, avoiding putting any pressure on her, refusing to rise to any infuriating requests from birth mum. Well done you!

She doesn’t have parental rights any more as you have adopted her. I personally would tell her she’s not going and leave it at that. Then ask your dd if she wants to keep in contact with the ex in the future - if not then just go no contact.

As much as you may want to lay into her and respond, she’s not asked you a direct question so I’d not respond at all.

Both you, your dd, your dh all know her response is batshit, manipulative and too little too late. Unless she comes back with a direct question simply ignore.

Or if your dd wants to remain in contact I’d go for a simple ‘I hope you have a fantastic wedding, keep in touch, regards Tiger & DD

The other thing to remember is you have adopted her and become her mum, and I know the circumstances are not usual, but YOU are her mum.
So she isn't going to her mum's wedding. She would be going to a wedding of someone she doesn't know well.
You don't have to keep facilitating a relationship of mother and daughter because you are the mother and daughter.
If you want to keep up contact to keep doors open in the future then think maybe more of email/letters and a photo or 2 every year rather than trying to keep up something that really just plays to her birth mum's tune because reading your posts the birth mum calls the shots on this, when you go, who goes how long for, when they meet, she sets the tone and the boundaries and rules, and she splits your family to do it in such a way that causes minimum disruption to her family.
She doesn't deserve that input or power she has relinquished her child to you. Whilst you have the best of intentions for your DD1 she doesn't show that she has her best interests at heart, and actually in a SS adoption this would be a reason to cease contact. It always has to be for the best interests of the child

incywincy has it.

I would reply 'That doesn't work for us' and leave it there.

How can they be busy the rest of the summer but your plans can apparently be so easily rearranged?

“Unfortunately plans cannot be rearranged as this eventuality is not covered by our Travel insurance, you simply haven’t given us enough notice however I am confident you will be able to rearrange free time later later in the holidays so that you can get the time with DD you need.”

Op you are not her step mother you are her mother. She choose you to be her mum and you adopted her when his birth mom had no interest in her. It takes a special person to do that. I wouldn’t even rely with an answer because she knows who her mum is and so do you and that’s what counts.

Wow, she's a piece of work isn't she? Well done for keeping it cool and civil. I think I'd reply with "Nobody's playing, unfortunately the clash is a long-standing arrangement that can't be changed. I do hope your big day goes well."

I’m afraid I couldn’t even find it within me to wish the bitch all the best for her big day because I wouldn’t want her to have a good wedding. In fact I’d be hoping that the bloke dumped her at the alter and sailed off into the sunset .

How dare she suggest that your dd and you should want to accommodate her spending time at the wedding of the woman to the man she abandoned her for.

Nope, I wouldn’t reply, and to be honest I wouldn’t facilitate any more contact between them unless DD expressly expressed a wish for it. In fact I believe the general idea is that when you adopt a child the biological parents are sent an annual photo book/update/letter or something? I might be inclined to do just that. But obviously dd is old enough now to make that decision for herself.

Please reply with

"Oh do fuck off dear"

She should be ashamed of herself. You OTOH are so very considerate and keeping DD in mind all the time.

I don't know how the Ex justifies her abandonment. She's sounding like a spoilt self entitled human being.

I'm not sure she deserves a response to her latest message if I'm honest.

I really don't think you need to send a response. She can't have it both ways - treat your DD as a distant relative one moment, claim to be mother the next.
You are Mum. You and your DH have always kept the door open. Your DD has made her decision. You can feel content that you've put DD first, considered her wishes and her best interests. Which is what Mums do. I admire you.

I think your first decision is whether to reply. You have given her a no. You aren’t going to change your mind so repeating seems pointless and will make her think there is a discussion happening.

If on reflection you need to say anything then a shortened version of Lucked’s suggestion might be best.

“Unfortunately plans cannot be rearranged, you simply haven’t given us enough notice. DD can come to see you later in the holidays if you can find any free time then.”

I agree with those commenting that it’s somewhat last minute - she wants DD for a date at the beginning of August. She’s been engaged almost two years and last week is the first we heard of the actual wedding

As I’ve said upthread, I’m trying not to be a driving force in any damaging of relations between them. If DD doesn’t want to see or hear from her any more I want it to be on her terms. She hasn’t indicated that she wants to cut off all together, just that she’s not particularly interested and sort of considers her an aunt figure.

I wouldn’t reply. You’d just be getting into it with her and it’s not a negotiation.

Hold your head high that you have handled it well.

Well done OP :)

It is hard, and you’re doing well.
As tempting as it can be to respond when she is being manipulative and emotive, it’s best to ignore. You have told her you won’t be going. Did you mention the fact that DDA would be on holiday?

It’s ridiculous to say it’s unfair to make DD miss out on “mum time” when she doesn’t even let DD stay at her fucking house