Rules in two houses

[JELLYFISHANDCHIPS]

Wondering how those of you with children who live in two different houses cope?
I have children and so does my OH. He lives with me and my kids. HIs kids stay with us every weekend.
I raised mine alone for 5 years and am v strict with manners, bedtime, behaviour etc.
He is less strict with his and this causes problems sometimes.
And his kids seem to have very few rules at all at their mum's house, which again causes problems as this spills into their time with us when they have to adjust to my (not unreasonable rules).
Does anyone else have similar and do I just have to suck up what happens with their mum and accept that I can only set rules in my own house? I think I have already answered my own question! But would be interested in the views of others in this position.

Why do you think you can -or should - have any say in what goes on in the ex’s household? Because you’re a better parent, presumably? So everyone should follow your rules?

Children can - and do - adapt to different rules in different households. Just be consistent.

It’s like School, children get a sense of the limits in different environments. You’ll probably have to let some things go, if they have it really relaxed it’s too much of a jump. It could also be good for you to be a bit less strict generally. We should all adapt if we go into a step family situation.

It might help if you get the kids doing activities at the weekend. It can take the pressure off the home environment, and then if they have some structured activities outside you can afford to let them have more downtime at home. Keep it simple!

Compromise! Decide a few rules which are your lines in the sand. Do this with your partner. Let some less important things go.

If you’d like to run some of your rules past the mumsnet jury, we’d be only too delighted to tell you which ones are reasonable and which ones aren’t

I don't think I'm too unreasonable but I'm prepared to be told otherwise

Saying please and thank you
Ask before getting down from the table and basic table manners
11 year old not allowed to have phone on in bed and be calling people at ten o'clock and later
Talking nicely to each other and respecting things that belong to others

Don't think any of those rules are particularly out there

No to be honest they’re pretty basic rules and not what I would define as strict.
My DP parented very differently when we first met but I think we’ve taught each other a lot during the course of our relationship and we’ve managed to find a happy balance.
There are times however that his DC (who are little bit older than mine) are allowed to do things which mine are not based on their rules at mum’s house and I get the inevitable whines of “that’s unfair” from mine, but occasionally it will be a case of “Well I’m not their mum but I am yours” sort of thing.
Making a list of house rules is always helpful. Get the kids involved and you as a couple need to stick to them otherwise there’s no point. Then you can build from there

How long have you been together? The issue is where house rules start and education principles end. Agreeing house rules is fine, the latter isn't.

You need to focus on what impacts on you and your kids directly and leave the rest to their dad. Helping around the house with chores, definitely to be agreed and adhered to and if that's different to what she does at her mums, it's ok.

Telling her that she can't have her phone after a certain time, not your business. It doesn't bother you or your kids. If her dad and mum are happy with it, that's their educational decision.

Don't forget that what you are asking them is to change their ways, and let's face it, no-one likes to do that when it's not by choice, so you need to bring it up in a way that doesn't come across as constant punishment. Imagine how you'd feel if you had a new manager coming at work who suddenly told you that everything you've done so far with your other manager was wrong, and they were going to watch you and changes many of the habits you've been comfortable with. Would you like them?

It's a pain in the arse...!

Hygiene isn't a priority in the other household. She'll come over smelling like old granny/ wee and that's acceptable. Sometimes she doesn't even wear underwear when she arrives at ours or wearing leggings with holes in the crotch area is okay too. 🙄

She gets gifted expensive school shoes by my partners mother each year but won't wear them (even though SD chooses them) and wears trainers. SDs mum allows her to go to school looking scruffy - school dresses where there are rips, things are too short etc are okay too. We get around this by replacing these things when they get to ours so she goes back with not torn, correct size clothes.

We've given up trying to suggest things for both households to adhere to and just focus on it when SD is at our house.

Oh and SD follows the household rules quite well when she's here. We were quite strict with teaching the rules early on and my DH was raised to do things properly compared to SD's mum (a bit hippy background)

She'll take her finished dinner plate to the kitchen, ask before she watches the tv and is okay that screen time is limited (but she gets to use up her time allowance as and when she wants during the day). I've already agreed with DH that when she eventually gets a phone she has to leave it downstairs when it's bedtime - mainly because she's already a crap settler for sleep. She'll tidy up her bedroom when asked and we use my DD as a good reason for her to - she wants her sister to play in her room eventually but she can't play in her room if it's a choking hazard site.

Thanks for the input. Actually we've done the whole house rules thing. Did it when we moved in a year ago. We all sat down and wrote them together.
I don't agree that the phone rule doesn't impact my children. Because my own 12 year old doesn't have the phone in bed and if SC has their phone in bed they can be awake until after 11pm (sleep issues there are a whole other thread's worth) and everyone is kept awake.
I do agree that my OH should be in charge of disciplining his and that's how we work it. Him and I agree on how to parent and he has got better at discipline. He used to feel guilty about it but now he realises they need it. My issue is that things change when they have been at their mum's house but I think in reality I can't do a thing about that

You say your OH is less strict about his children in your first post. If you are on the same wavelength then it's not an issue.

Agree that if the phone use stops your child from sleeping, it needs to be tackled.

Indeed, you can't expect that your rules are applied at home with mum, so there needs to be some flexibility.

@JELLYFISHANDCHIPS you really can't do anything about what happens at their mum's and how they end up going back to different rules. We just go with it knowing that each time SD comes to ours we just start over. It's exhausting though..! Hoping her mum agrees with our phone rule though.. (I agree with you on that!) especially if it impacts sleep and school. When they reach a certain age (a bit older) then sure, they do what they like with their phones as long as it doesn't impact their exam times and stuff.

Your OH and you can't have an effect on what goes on at mum's house.

You don't sound overly strict tbh. Kids are used to other houses and school having different rules and routines imo but I think it's a potential source of resentment that your partner's parenting rules are more in line with his ex than you because this is setting you up as a bad guy and your partner as victim forced to do as you say.

Unfortunately you can't change the mums rules as much as you may want to. We always had this battle when my stepkids stayed with us, it would take us half our time
With them to readjust to our rules as when it comes to the boys we are very strict.

You could always ask the mum if you could all sit down together to try and come up with wome agreeable rules?

Maybe start a reward chart for when they come to yours? We stopped taking them out as they couldn't behave or adhere by rules especially bloody phones and tablets. When they asked why we stopped doing fun things we explained and they are apparnetly (according to dp) better behaved when he takes them out.

When they are in your house though you have as much right to ask them to stick to
Your rules as your partner. We both parent the boys (only one is his.) and the same when the girls will be allowed again.

These are wise words...

I think it's a potential source of resentment that your partner's parenting rules are more in line with his ex than you because this is setting you up as a bad guy and your partner as victim forced to do as you say.

Except that indeed he might be more in agreement with the ex. My dad was more in line with my mum's discipline style even though there was absolutely no emotional li k between them at all. It is just the way it was both having themselves received a very different education than my SM. It did cause a lot of friction and resentment all energy wasted as both myself and my SM's daughter turned out well adjusted adults.

Unfortunately, you can only set rules and expectations in your household as whatever rules the mother puts down in her own have nothing to do with you and you can’t control it. I’d just try to focus on what you’d like to happen in yours with the help of your DP. If he isn’t on the same page I’d be more concerned with that.

I can see where you’re coming from with it affecting your house but there’s nothing you can do with that. We have a similar situation, but in this case, it’s my DP alone who doesn’t want to make his daughter do too much when she comes as he wants her to enjoy it while she is with us, whereas I would like her to be a part of the family more and we all help round the house. But as someone else said, sometimes in blended families you have to compromise a bit as nothing is perfect.

Children will act up if they have to do something which they didn’t have to do before but they will get used to it. Children are quite adaptable.

I think you are right about it being a potential source of resentment. We both talked long and hard about all our children before moving in together as we both want what's best for them. That's why we agreed the house rules at the beginning.
The reality of living together of course is different to the idea of it so we are trying to adjust to it as best we can.
I find it hard when he tells mine off. He rarely does but it is justified when he says something. That's something I need to get used to as for years it was just me disciplining mine.
I try to keep disciplining his to a minimum but I pull them up on things if I have to.
We both agree on the fundamentals but it is definitely a work in progress.
I get that neither of us can influence what happens at mum's house. It is just dealing with the fallout of them coming from a place of very little structure around bedtime etc and what sounds like very little in the way of discipline.
Someone suggested trying to talk to their mum but in reality that won't happen. She never drops the kids or picks them up and she's met me once but I'm very much the enemy. She us very defensive about anything to do with the kids so OH also struggles to have any sort of conversation about anything with her.
I'm really thankful that all our kids get in great and miss each other when they don't see each other and I'm beginning to bond better with his kids despite the fact they clearly feel conflict about getting on with me.
It is just a very big learning curve and I'm grateful for any input

It's so bloody hard when there.are no rules or boundaries at mum's house - and then when SC are with us DH just gets that he nags and moans all the time. But believe me it's bloody infuriating - for example SC arrive home from school, school bags, coat, shoes and whatever other belongings they have with them just dumped on floor where they land. Open every cupboard and leave them open whilst searching for something to eat. SC are at high school and do not use a knife and fork to eat theiŕ meals - THIS DRIVES ME INSANE they tear their food apart with their fingers it is DISGUSTING and they do not bother clearing their plates and unused cutlery from the table. They have no consideration for anyone else in the house. When their siblings are in bed they just shout and argue. They are rarely asleep before midnight. Cannot get up for school the next day. DH and I are at our wits end.
What pisses me off more us that when anything kicks off when they're with mum she's on phone to DH to discipline them. DH has started telling her that as she has set no rules or boundaries which he has no control over in her house he also now has nothing to do with their discipline at home. It's so frustrating.