Experiences on Step children and new baby

[Max88]

I don't really know what I'm looking for here, just a bit of reassurance as a first time mum.

What have people's experiences been like when you've had a new baby. Did your feelings change for your step children? do things get easier? I guess hormones play a part on all this but I'm really struggling being a ftm and carrying on as normal with step children before the new baby. I don't love them any less or anything like that, I just find myself getting really stressed and really not enjoying it when weekends approach. Because dd was born with a few issues it hasn't been the greatest start to motherhood as we were in hospital for a month and I guess I just feel like I haven't had the chance to enjoy my baby without dividing my attention to the other children. I'm just struggling as it's down to me to entertain them when they're round and having a baby that needs most of my attention due to issues I feel bad as they had all my attention before , idk just looking for some reassurance...

It gets easier, being a ftm is hard enough and that's gets easier so adding in other kids is hard work.
What stood out is your comment that it's up to you to entertain your step kids. Why is that? Where is their father at this time?
How old are your step kids? They will get used to the change of attention and adapt to it but it shouldn't be on only you to help that.
Find short activities that can be done during naps if your looking for things to do with them. Or help set up independent play for them so your involved in set up and clear up but they don't need you for the playing bit.
You'll find a routine that works well for your family but make sure you get some time for yourself. I found that finding one thing just for me to relax and enjoy helped keep me less stressed for most of my time revolving around everyone else.
For me it is watching amazon prime on my iPad in the bath. I soak for about an hour after all the kids go to bed so it makes feel human again.

Why are you entertaining them? they came to spend time with their dad he should be taking them out to give you some time with the baby without the DSC stressing you out. My DSC were lovely when DS was born as they very much love their little brother but they're happy playing fortnite on their iPad and PlayStation so don't require much input which as a FTM made focusing on my DS much easier and my DP takes them during the day meaning I get a break to do what I need or want. Your DP needs to be supporting you more.

I’d echo PP asking why it’s down to you to entertain them and keep them occupied. You’re a brand new mum, with a wee one who has had a rough start (and you’ve had a tough start to motherhood too). He needs to be taking the pressure off you and letting you enjoy your new wee one (congratulations )

DSD1 had a honking cold sore when DD was born and I panicked. DP and the girls ended up living with BIL until it was sorted (they were down for the summer holidays) because I went into a hormonal panic.

I don’t mean honking as in dirty btw, I realised that reads terribly! I mean a really big, weepy one.

Personally, having a baby made me a better SM. I think I became a bit more patient and kind.
The baby is their sibling too and - depending on the kids and ages, etc - they're probably excited too, but may feel a little unsure about how this affects them.
If they're old enough, let them help a bit, but don't take it personally if they're not that interested.
I'd agree that you do need time to look after your baby and your DH should be stepping up to care for his older children if you're feeling tired. This is what happens in all families with new babies, it's just a bit trickier sometimes with step families.

I'm in a similar situation and would love to give advice but I'm going to echo what others have said and ask why it's you who has to entertain all the kids?

I’m only SM. Don’t have kids of my own. It’s bloody hard. You are expected to step up and get very little in return.

I wanted to say congratulations on your baby x

I think it depends very much on stepkids age, relationship and your DPs approach to it. My stepkids were mid to late teens when my DR came along and they were wonderful- taking her for cuddles/feeds/trying to stop her from crying. I wasn't an overbearing parent and trusted my DSDs. My DH was also great, doing activities with my stepkids so I could rest with the baby. Now my DD is a year old and obviously interacting more and the relationship between all the kids is beautiful.

I would talk to you DP about what you expect, he needs to be 150% supportive to you and all the kids.

I found that my focus is very much on my 10 month old now and I've known my DSD for four years. I encouarage my other half to spend more time with his daughter when she's around now - she's sharing her dad now and that insecurity is shining through a bit.

Being a first time mother, I want to embrace every new moment I have with my little one before I go back to work full time. It's different for DSD (she's 8 now),sue spent the first six/seven years of her life where her parents were self employed so had a lot of time with them in the weekdays. My daughter won't have that experience hence why I'm making the most of it now.

Sometimes dread the weekends when we have DSD but mainly due to the routine slipping a bit for the baby and it makes it a really difficult experience (crappy bedtimes that last hours and we cant leave her to cry a bit in the night ((she self settles/falls asleep normally within 5 minutes or so)) in case she wakes her sister up..)

It depends on your own dynamic, however I found it was a positive thing, having a baby overall.

One thing though, please please put yourself first. That means no looking after step kids on your own, no appeasing step kid or ex relationships or being extra indulgent. You are the boss too, so what you and your baby need, get and ask for. Which includes peace and no drama. I had lots of needy resentment flying around, from older step kids telling me what to do and exes needing attention from my DP. Don't fall into the trap of trying to please everyone