Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

Original poster

Exw wants my number, okay to give it out?

24 replies

Spanglyprincess1 · 03/06/2018 22:30

I've been around for a long while and living with partner but she has not asked for any of my contact details before. No reason has been given for the request now.

Personally I don't care if she has it for use in emergencies etc but I'm a bit cautious as no reason has been provided for why she wants it now. I know she was very abusive towards his previous partner but I've had no issues really so far in terms of her being unreasonable with me. My other half seems confused by the request which is also making me pause.

For fairness we don't have her partner's contact details eg phone number or email etc who she has been with for around 4 years.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:

Magmatic80 · 03/06/2018 22:31

Did she say why she wants it? Unless there’s children involved I can’t think of another reason she might need it.

WhiskeySourpuss · 03/06/2018 22:37

I have ex's new wife's number - she asked for my number after they'd been together about a year as she was taking ex on a surprise holiday for his birthday & as DS lived with me then she needed to ask me if DS could go & arrange to get his passport etc.

DS lives with them now & sometimes I deal with her about pick ups & drop offs but that's about it other than actual emergencies we've no real need to contact each other.

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 03/06/2018 22:37

We have always had the three step kids 50% but not asked for previously. No reason given (sorry should have said the kids bit!)

OP posts:

NorthernSpirit · 03/06/2018 22:37

No reason for her to have your number. She has her EX’s number - he’s the dad all communication should go through him.

And the fact that she was abusive towards the previous partner is even more reason.

Sounds like a control tactic in her part. You give her the number and you are pandering to her. Yo don’t and I’m her mind you are unreasonable.

No need for her to have it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/06/2018 22:41

Not a chance. Wheh they’re with their dad, whether he’s there every single minute or not, they’re his responsibility and she must have his number.

No need at al. And if your partner thinks it’s odd and unnecessary then that’s the final word. He knows her better than you do so listen to him on this.

PrincessHairyMclary · 03/06/2018 22:48

If you do give her your number could you get a cheap £10 phone and give her the number for that so if she starts being abusive you can stop using it without the hassle of changing your main number.

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 03/06/2018 22:52

Would email be an alternative that could work? I don't want to appear obstructive and if its to benefit the children then I want to help as much as I can

OP posts:

ObiJuanKenobi · 03/06/2018 23:09

I'd just give it to her. You can always block her.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/06/2018 08:16

Your partner says no, you don’t have ex’s partner’s details, why would you? Your role as a SM is to support your DP, the parent. Doing something to make his ex happy that he doesn’t agree with is very odd.

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 04/06/2018 08:38

Thanks I think I will let my partner make the call on if he wants to give her my number or not. I'm not too bothered either way and like people have said I can always block her if needed at a later stage (though I'm.sure it won't come to that).

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 05/06/2018 23:02

You can block her...but she can use another number to call you. Based on how she harassed the ex...I'd say no

ElChan03 · 06/06/2018 10:07

From experience it's worse when they want it to have friendly little chats too.
I couldn't cope with the 'hey hun' texts- leave me alone I'm busy raising your children, I don't want to have superficial conversation where you attempt to make me feel sorry for you.

Keep yourself safe OP

Teggun · 07/06/2018 08:25

I'm an ex and I have my dd's SM's number and email address and she has mine. We very rarely use either but on those very rare occasions it has been very helpful - sometimes for dd's benefit and sometimes for SM's benefit .
Given her history I could understand being reticent but if she starts on you, just block her.

Dancingmonkey87 · 07/06/2018 13:22

I don’t have my exs
Dw number don’t really need it although he has texted off her number and I did the same with dh mobile when mines been broken I have never saved it. My first port of call would be to contact ex.

Chew2 · 07/06/2018 15:27

The answer to your question is do not give her your number. In my situation we do not have each other's respective numbers. It was mentioned before I ever looked after my sc's for the first time (quite a while ago now), and my dp answered for me and said 'no way', he didn't see why she would need it. I'm glad he said no esp after all the nasty, vile things she has sent to my dp. Even if she did have my number I would never answer it or use it as she is about as useful to situations as asking my cat 😁

Teggun · 07/06/2018 17:59

Chew2 The answer to your question is do not give her your number.

Why is that the answer Chew? It may have been the answer in your situation but it doesn't necessarily mean it's the answer in everyone else's.

Exes are not universally evil any more than SMs are universally wicked

Chew2 · 07/06/2018 21:08

@ Teggun, I say that from my own experience and many others experiences (friends, family and on MN), the vast majority of sm and exp relationships are strained and comms are usually negative. Esp the Op's situation. However there are a few positive relationships and comm is always good but there is no need for exchanged mob phone details as there are many other ways to comm and i believe these relationships should be kept positive but not at a best buddy level 😁

Teggun · 07/06/2018 21:34

No danger of me and dd's SM being buddies of any kind But having each others contact details has on occasion been extremely helpful. The reality of all the many other ways to comm with ex depend on him having access to his phone.
The very rare occasions I have contacted SM have been because I couldn't get hold of exp. And vice versa. On one occasion it was a real emergency. Exp was in a pub with mates and phone was dead. His dw was at home so was able to answer my call and contact exp via one of his friends.

Chew2 · 08/06/2018 05:37

In your instance in a real emergency I think that emergency contact is a great idea, unfortunately in many situations, myself and others, what is considered 'an emergency', is usually not the case. Ringing the scs up to ask what they want 4 xmas in Nov is not an emergency or asking for more cm and generally whinging about everything is not an emergency. It sounds like in your emergency u possibly rang a home fone, I have no problem with this and contacting myself via fb msg but not my personal mob number.
No thanks 😁

Teggun · 08/06/2018 08:00

I'm not crticising your decision Chew - or anyone else who for very sound reasons does not share contact details.

My objection is that specific bad experiences are used to make a generalised rule.

Chew2 · 08/06/2018 08:37

I wouldn't say that everyone shouldn't have no contact with exp but for op I would say no esp given the exp in her situation is capable of nastiness and I would say to everyone else be cautious before you do as once you give ur number to anyone u can block them of course however as mentioned previously they can use it from any other phone and from other comms e.g whatapp.

tuscangal · 09/06/2018 20:23

I would not give it and just make all communications go through Dad. Unless you personally are taking the kids on a trip without their Dad, there is no reason for her to have it.

I had this come up where ex-wife was super bent that the kids Dad left one of the kids home alone with me (kid is 15) for a few hours and started to insist on having my phone number so she could check up on her baby.

Also depends on the age of the kids - if they are little and you will be alone with them, that might be a reason.

I would get your partner to ask her why she needs that information. She might have a specific reason that is valid.

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 10/06/2018 00:36

Thank you for all your comments. I discussed it with my other half and went with his view. She now has my number and so far no issues. Obviously if that changes that I will block and not respond.
I rarely have kids on my own very often but she wanted it to sort birthday and father's day apparently (never celebrated in last five years so its strange but could be a good sign of a new leaf!)

OP posts:

Teggun · 10/06/2018 07:13

That's good to hear Spangly. I really hope it continues to be a 'non issue'.

Flip