Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

Original poster

Introducing new partner to young teen

18 replies

blondemoment123 · 02/06/2018 19:58

How long is normal to wait to introduce the new partner? I'm actually the partner in this situation, it's been 2 years and DP seems scared of how their young teen would handle the news that I even exist. The teen has high functioning autism, i suppose that could affect how they respond to the news? Just wondering how long is reasonable really.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Greendayz · 02/06/2018 22:09

Two years does sound a long time. I met my DSC after a few months. I would think they after two years maybe your DP isn't ever going to feel the time is right. Does the teen know you exist? Have you met other friends or family of your DP? (Not doing so would also ring alarm bells for me after 2yrars)

bluedabadeedabadoo · 02/06/2018 22:23

Wow!! I'm in a similar situation to you however have been with my bf for a year and I've only just met his 2 pre teen daughters. Prior to this he didn't tell them about me and even though they have met me, unless they have guessed they don't know I'm his girlfriend!! He still seems really anxious about me being part of their lives... if I was you I'd definitely be thinking the same as I am in my situation.... does he really want this?

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 02/06/2018 22:25

Do you need to meet their teen? I’m guessing the parent feels their teen isn’t ready for it. Everyone is different but it’s very possible his/her HFA will affect how they are able to deal with a new partner.

Battleax · 02/06/2018 22:30

I think i introduced DH to D.C. 1&2 after about 6 months. They were 11/12ish and one had the same dx you mention.

You can easily make it in to too big a thing and create awkwardness. Saying that, it was the first and only time I’d introduced them to a BF. Is your DP in the same situation? Or have there been previous girlfriends/step mums?

NorthernSpirit · 02/06/2018 23:00

Met my SC (6 & 9 at the time) after we’d been together 7 months. Don’t make a big deal out of it.

Original poster

blondemoment123 · 02/06/2018 23:17

Thanks so much for the replies.

I've not met any other family and they don't know I exist either :/ He says he would want his child to know about me before everyone else. He also says he would hate for the 2 people he loves most in the world to not get on, if he got the timing wrong and his child resented me.

There have been no introductions with previous girlfriends either.

Without meeting his teen our relationship is kind of stalled and not progressing.

OP posts:

greenlanes · 02/06/2018 23:35

So you are fwb and not girlfriend or partner?

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 02/06/2018 23:42

Have you been to his house? Are you sure he isn’t married?

Original poster

blondemoment123 · 02/06/2018 23:47

No. We talk every day, spend a lot of time together, go on holiday several times, he's involved with my friends and family.

OP posts:

Original poster

blondemoment123 · 02/06/2018 23:48

Yes I've been to his house, and i'm absolutely positive he is not married

OP posts:

Battleax · 02/06/2018 23:48

That’s a bit strange after two years.

lunar1 · 03/06/2018 06:57

He might not be married but he's treating you, and I imagine making you feel like an OW.

Has he explained what about his child's HFA makes him decide you can't meet him yet. Have you had a real conversation about all this or does he not like to talk about it?

Greendayz · 03/06/2018 07:46

Sounds to me as if he's putting it off indefinitely. He maybe prefers to keep you in your little box rather than tackle the trickier task of ok integrating the different parts of his life. Either he's something to hide, or he's a bit of a coward.

If that's not what you want from a relationship it's ok to say so. It's not normal to be kept hidden from everyone for two years. And how is his child going to become "ready" to meet you if he/she doesn't yet know you exist?

SandyY2K · 03/06/2018 22:24

I'd feel like the OW if I were you. He's using the right words to keep you invested as well.

You are non existent in his life. That says something about how important you are to him.

You don't hide someone you claim to love...like they're a dirty little secret.

RubySapphireEmerald · 04/06/2018 19:01

Unless there are valid reasons for not having met his friends and family e.g. me and my partner are in an LDR and he does the travelling to see me as I am a full-time parent and live in a house whereas he lives in a flat-share so logistically it makes more sense, but it does mean he has friends I have never met after six years together, I would say that he doesn’t see you as a part of his future.

Do his friends and family even know you exist?

As for not meeting a child after two years this IMO and IME doesn’t need to be complicated and there are several ways he could have introduced you to his DC without making a big deal about you being a girlfriend. My DS met my partner fairly early into our relationship for reasons outside of my control, but it did mean that it was less complicated for us and he got to know DP as my friend and it gradually became apparent to him that we were more than that without the big reveal ever needing to happen.

If he’s never introduced you to his child then the reality is that your future does not exist with him as you cannot possibly move forwards with your relationship if his child doesn’t even know you exist yet.

I would have a very frank conversation about where he sees your future and what needs to happen for that future to become a certainty, because even if he has no plans for you to be a part of the child’s life after introduction the introduction does still need to happen and the rest can follow in good time. If he has no plans for that then I would walk away now.

WhiteCat1704 · 04/06/2018 20:15

I have met my SD after about 6months of dating DH. Initially just for lunch. But I know she knew I existed before that and she knew it was getting more serious as he never introduced anybody before..Also his family knew about me...She was about 12.

I would question not meeting the child after 2 years..It shows he is not treating the relationship with you seriously and if you want something more he is not THE ONE.

lastnightidreamtofpotatoes · 05/06/2018 11:03

Without meeting his teen our relationship is kind of stalled and not progressing

I would assume that your DP doesn't really want to take things forward or progress. He is compartmentalizing his relationship with you into a box and not allowing you to cross over into his life. My DF was like this. The second the woman broke up with him there would be another woman on the go. It suited him to have someone during the week -to iron his clothes until he saw us at the weekend.

HipsterAssassin · 05/06/2018 16:57

I have HFA teen who met my DP after four months. They get on just fine.

If she is a troubled teen this could still be handled sensitively.

I cannot see why it would be imperative for the dd to not know about you. Is this guilt or fear of the dd’s mum?

Even on the basis of not meeting any of his friends or family - that alone is reason to bin the guy off.

You’re just there for convenience and he is fobbing you off beautifully with the crap about ‘the two people I love most in the world’. Very clever but totally keeping you in your place.

Flip