Pregnant EP doesn't know yet...

[1987rebecca]

When I met Dp he had recently broke up with his long term partner with two children. His youngest was only a year old and this was hard for me understand however dp and mutual friends assured me the relationship was over a long time ago. His ex found out we had been out a few times and publicly posted on Facebook that we had been having a long term affair I was mortified! I contacted her to assure her we had only just met she knows this is true but she has continued to tell friends this lie. We stuck it out and have now been together for two and a half years. Since then she has only referred to me as whore or skank and made It very hard for dp to have contact with his children he is allowed limited supervised access. she is punishing him for moving on and is still very bitter. I am not allowed to meet them and she often refuses access unless money is sent. She sends long abusive messages and I feel terrible that she is so angry and sad but am not allowed to help with his children neither is dp.

Problem is I'm pregnant and terrified of her reaction I'm Already four months and she doesn't know. Dp is scared she'll stop access altogether... how to tackle?

Congrats on your pregnancy!
I just want to join the voice of putting serious consideration into formalising the access. Your partner and his children should not be at the mercy of his ex for access, regardless of what has gone on in the past.
I agree with those above that court is not an easy route - the process can be stressful and long. But the stability provided by having an established rhythm of contact is good for everyone, especially the children.
My partner's court agreement on access to his daughter saved my sanity! And more importantly has enabled he and his daughter to have a good relationship and for him to be involved in the important matters in her life. I cannot imagine what things would be like now for them without it.

I'm my dp won't go.to.court either as he's worried the children would be removed as punishment until the matter was legally settled. I feel your pain op.
Concentrate on you and baby bump , it dosnt matter what she thinks of your now relationship. But the kids do matter and court is way to go as it's important the half siblings have a relationship

My dp is in a similar situation and I think he's been scared of her stopping him seeing his dc but the situation was being really difficult for all involved so he went to see a solicitor for 30 mins free advice and they talked him through his options which have given him some confidence with next steps should he need to take them.

Just to say yours is not the only one to fear going to court. My DP is also resisting, because he believes she will than make his life even more difficult. And yes, I’ve explained this couldn’t be the case...

Perhaps seek some advice from a solicitor and maybe a letter to her outlining the amount your DP pays for maintenance, and that he wants to agree a pattern of regular contact on x days. Put a suggestion to her. Like a PP said mediation will probably the first step - if it's successful- court might bit be needed.
You could also ask that contact between them remains only in respect of the children, perhaps in writing (text or email) and amicably.

For all those saying your OH’s won’t go to court because the mother will get difficult or stop contact....

You are going to have this threat hanging over you for years. It won’t get any better. These people don’t change.

I urge you to get a formal contact order. These threats of withdrawing access are disgusting (been there) and judges do not like it. Yes, you may have to bear some pain now - the vitriolic rants from the mother, stopping access but once you have the contact order all the power is taken away. For my own sanity I couldn’t have it as it was. My OH woukd go to pick the kids up and she wouldn’t be there. She’d text him and say she had changed her mind. This went on for 2 years. It broke my OH. Now he lets a judge deal with her abs she has to explain herself in court. Last time a judge threatened a change of residency. Children have a right to see both parents, the mother was stopping that right.

My OH now represents himself and when she breaches he takes her back to court and she pays the fees.

Thank you for the advice. Obviously it’s difficult because as much as we both care it can become an argument if I press too hard I think I will give him as much info as I can and hope he comes to the sensible decision of formalizing contact and money ASAP. Confidence in a daunting process will
Come hopefully. I suppose sometimes things have to become harder temporarily to get better in the end.

OP - I know it’s daunting but court isn’t that bad. My OH representatives himself and it’s not as bad as you think, judges are very understanding and will guide you through the process. Honestly I can’t tell you how much better things are now.

Congrats on your baby OP x

I'd be careful... you're pregnant and don't need extra stress. I really hope you're not in the same position (I read your post obviously you don't think so, and I really hope you're right for your own stress levels)

I'm a crazy ex in my husbands new partners eyes I'm sure. I don't slate her, did warn her but I don't abuse her or keep trying to tell her what she doesn't want to here - largely for my own sake so he doesn't find us tbh. Should my ex ever take it to court she'll find out for sure I'm not lying and once they have kids social services will be involved due to his history that she doesn't want to believe. While you're pregnant I'd be mindful how much stress you could find yourself under. I really hope your partner is the innocent man you believe.

Honestly op he needs to go to court and get contact formalised legally it's the only way you can have security.
Then you wouldn't need to fear her reaction so much. In your shoes I would have your do tell her as soon as possible, factually and kindly.
Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and congratulations.

You might find it helpful to post in the MN legal section.

And to look at this website childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/residence/

Organising a mediation session is easy. It's just one hour, and some mediation centres reduce the charge according to people's income.

It's possible to represent yourself in court. The difficult parts are:
1- identifying the correct forms (ask in the MN legal section or google or ring a court or look on Childlawadvice website listed above)
2 - working out what you want to ask the court to order. Some tips below.

Actually going to court and talking in front of the judge is quite easy (but be prepared for the other side to say things that are not true. Will need to stay calm, and simply say to the judge - what was said was not true.)

And going back to court to enforce an order is not difficult, but you need to have some reliable evidence to prove that other side breached the order. This can be tricky if it's a case of 'he says/she says'. Something in writing from other side stating why they didn't do what they were supposed to do would be helpful. And generally you would warn on the first occasion, and only go back to court after it had happened 2-3 times.

Some tips on what you might want to include in the Residence Order:
Obviously you will have a clear idea of how much time your DP and you spend with his DCs in a typical week/fortnight. So the order might say: children to live with Mum except as provided below.
Children to be in Dad's care: Saturday 9am to Sunday 9am every weekend [this is just an example]

It is also a good idea to get the judge to order what is to happen with as many potentially contentious issues as possible. Eg holiday time (how many weeks per year with Dad, how many consecutive nights and at what ages), Christmas/Easter (where do children spend Christmas Day/Boxing day every two years, where do children spend Good Friday to Good Monday every two years); when holidays are to be discussed/agreed (4 months in advance?), holiday travel (with consent of other party only? what information to be given to other parent about flights and accommodation), what changes will there be to residence arrangements when the children are a bit older (whole weekends? evening meal during the week) what changes will there be to residence arrangements when the children reach school age, pick ups/ drop offs (by whom, where), contact with other members of his family (including you) (the Order could expressly state that this is fine), how variations to the normal routine are to be handled (occasional variations only and by mutual agreement?), communication between adults (by email only except in emergency; business-like only), communication with children (by FaceTime once/twice per week to be organised by mum at what time? Between 5.30 and 7pm?).

Like other PPs have said, the long term benefits of getting this sorted will greatly outweigh the short term pain and difficulty.

Mediation was initiated by dp and he attended a meeting alone and they’ve sent her an email to attend another together, she says she needs time this was three months ago. Thank you again for the info at the moment he sees them for a small amount of time if she allows so anything would be better. He’s not at all good at law uses his hands for work and it all seems alien to him
He’s convinced it’ll get better if he plays her game but I know this isn’t the case. I’ll do my best to push further.

Please don't listen to poster who told you costs can be ASTRONOMICAL !! This is simply not true.

All he needs to do is fill in a form. You do not need a solicitor to do this if you know someone who can read and write !

Form C100 of HMCTS website.
Fill in.
Get person who he had mediation with to complete (and say other party refused)

Pay £215.
He goes to court and get access to his child.

NOT to do this is - is ACTIVELY not acting in his child's best interests .

Fgs he would have to be a crack smoking alcoholic for the judge to refuse these days. (And then he would probably get 'supervised' - really I'm not joking) There is literally NO EXCUSE except not being arsed and just finding it easier to make excuses and 'blame the ex'.
I blame your OH for not taking ownership of this and sorting it out.

Btw I am talking from experience with DH ex she wrote the book on child-centred manipulation. It put her well and truly back in her box. Until the court order she literally ruled the roost in both her home and ours.

fontofnoknowledge

It was myself who said the fees can be astronomical. I guess 'astronomical' is relative to your finances but this based on the advice from DPs divorce lawyer on potential costs (who also advised against court action unless as an absolute last resort i.e. no access being given at all after mediation, formal requests in writing through lawyers etc), and from a friend's DP who is currently £10,000+ in legal fees trying to sort out his access and is about to take his EXW back to court for the 4th time for breaching orders (which could be a whole other thread about how easy they are to breach + difficult to prove breaches and have something done). I accept that is an extreme case but it does happen.

If you choose to represent yourself (I accept this will significantly reduce costs however there are arguments for and against doing this) there are still costs beyond the £215 fee for the initial form are there not? I was under the impression that there would be court fees for any hearings before the judge (unless you are exempt in receipt of certain benefits) and there is a significant cost to this? My friends DP has had multiple hearings (judge wanted more evidence/one side wanted time to respond to claims, 3 times already for breaches etc) and he has definitely paid a small fortune each time. Is this purely his lawyers fees and there is no additional cost once the initial form is filed?

I would love someone to correct me if I'm wrong on this (potentially v useful for future as DP has had some issues with access), I am basing what I have said on what we were told by DPs lawyer and on my friends experience.

And before I'm also accused of 'making excuses' and having you 'blame the OH', I want to make it clear that our access was thankfully sorted out without having to go to court. As I have said before I appreciate it will be the best/necessary route for some, but as far as I knew it was not simply a filling in a form to get instant access. It was a lengthy and expensive process. Apologies if I am wrong about this, would genuinely be interested in more positive information.

BUMP

Wanting to see if anyone has an answer about it really only costing £215 if you represent yourself? Anyone who has done it I would love to hear about your experience - there is precious little information about it online besides what form you need to get started.

Yes, my OH represented here myself and it cost £215 (as @fontofnoknowledge says).

My OH did start with a solicitor and barrister but wasn’t getting anywhere so took the bull by the horns and did it himself.

Judges are very pro contact and will guide you through.

EW (nasty piece of work) has seriously breached the CO a number of times. 3 strikes and he takes her back to court (no messing around, you have to treat her like a naughty child). He represents himself. Last time (she went to the expensive of a solicitor and barrister) - she had very seriously breached. Judge ordered an investigation by SS and threatened a change of residency.

My OH woukd recommend dads to represent themselves. It’s a simple form to fill in and take the evidence along.

Thanks @NorthernSpirit - that's really useful to know.

Oh and last time the judge awarded my OH’s court costs (£215) be awarded + the cost of the holiday (that she had agreed in writing 6 months before the children could go on and then at 10pm the night before she changed her mind). Judge made her pay the costs. Apparently my OH is a disgusting individual for taking the children’s maintenance (she gets £700 a month). But maybe that will teach her to put her children first? A harsh lesson.

Court is the only way. These women never change.

Really? That is very interesting. Funny enough we are talking about a holiday for next year and were also worried about that kind of scenario - what if we pay and get DSD all excited then are let down last minute? Stepfamilies come with some unexpected (along with a lot of expected) hurdles at times.

Still gobsmacked that it really is only the fee to file the form that you need to pay. Not surprised DPs lawyer didn't advise us about representing yourself (they are in it for the money) but wonder how many people are paying crazy lawyer fees for something you can do yourself? How much money is going down the drain that could actually be spent making the kids lives better rather than arguing about the Dad's legal right to see them??

I think contact stopping is pretty inevitable right now given how this woman is without a baby involved.

I'd say he needs to bite the bullet and tell her and then take her to court, it isn't the best scenario but it'll mean he'll get unsupervised access and you can actually meet his children who will soon be half siblings to your child!

@HollyGoLoudy - do you have a CO?

My OH has one. Stated he has half the holidays and can take them on holiday. Mum agreed in writing 6 months before (he was actually taking the children to see their grandparents who live in contention Europe). He paid for flights and she had all details supplied. He spoke to the kids 6pm the night before and they said they were excited to be going (it was his mothers 70 birthday that day they were going).

At 10pm the night before she emailed him to say the children weren’t going. She said she was unhappy I was joining (I was going for a few days) as I was a stranger to the children as she wasn’t comfortable, as their mother she had the children’s best interests at heart.

I offered to step down but she still refused.

On the day of pick up - my OH was so desperate he phoned the police. A very caring policeman took pity on my OH (they don’t normally get involved) and he paid her a visit with SS.

We went. My OH cried on the plane with the 2 empty seats next to him.

When he got back he took her to court. She knew she was in trouble - turned up with a solicitor and barrister. My OH represented himself. She lied and said she had stopped the holiday as she didn’t know where the children were going. My OH had all the email evidence.

The judge threatened a change of residency and my OH was given his details and told to inform him of any further breaches.

She threatened to stop contact recently if my OH didn’t give her an extra £25 (he pays her £700 maintenance a month). My OH simply reminded her what was said in court and said he would report her I’d she stopped contact (and as we all know maintenance and contact are completely separate).

I can’t tell you how formalising things has changed things.

Yes, Court is daunting but you can do it. If anyone wants to PM me happy to help.

My DSD has some attachment issues and I feel sorry for her. Her mum has caused much of the problem. Women who use children as weapons disgust me. How you can hate your EX more than you love your kids I don’t know.

I should add I had known the children 9 months at the time of the holiday!

That's heartbreaking. Can relate as I have also seen my DP in tears more than once over stopped or reduced contact. It's horrendous to see someone missing their child so much, it's like someone has died. We have managed to sort things this time (access agreement number 284!) but he has said he definitely wants to go down the formal court route if it happens again. Means a lot to know it is possible and can have a positive outcome.

How you can hate your EX more than you love your kids I don’t know. Especially when it was her who left him + she has no reason to hate him Except perhaps that he moved on and is in a happy relationship with someone his DD likes and the only way she can get a reaction/attention from him anymore is through access. Years down the line and it's not really any better! Thanks for your advice, will pass it onto DP.