how to be a step parent??

[pinknfluffy29]

hi people
first some background - ive been with dh 2 half years got married in feb this year, i have ds (7) from a previous he has ds1(9) and ds2(7) and we have a dd(16mths) together. we have had his 2 ds to stay every other weekend since i we moved in together 2 yrs ago. in the beginning had big problems with ds1 (bed wetting, ignoring us, hitting, lying) and then on off until last sept. since then he he hasnt wet the bed and has been rather good not hitting etc.. but we still have a huge problem with lying - over the silliest thing (have you changed your boxers, did you take a biscuit) which always blow out of proportion because he lies.

i had problems with my step mother and step sister so in our house we always tell the truth and be honest. so this is a biggie for me. we never smack the kids our only punishment is possibly taking gameboy/xbox off them for a night or something. it has got to the point where my son has started to lie when he really never did. we have even tried if you tell us the truth you will get a treat just to get him to see that honesty is best policy. other ds2 dont have any problem with at all and if he says it wasnt him on asking again he will always admit it.

dh sat down and asked each of them individually what happens when they are at home and they lie and get found out - ds2 said he gets something taken away and ds1 says he gets smacked.

when dh picked them up on friday his ex said ds1 had been told off a few times for one thing or another and ds1 had wet the bed, and this weekend ds1 has smacked my ds and ds2.

i really believe that ds1 is coping a load off grief from dh's ex and her partner and i feel from his behaviour he is probably getting clouted?? when we tell them off we do shout etc but ds hasnt wet the bed for over a year so why would he do it at home after a telling off?? seems to me that he is terrified - hence him lying here all the time.

i feel so sorry for this little mite having 2 sets of parents and rules but i will not accept his lying/hitting in our household. things are only just amicable with dh's ex so we can't really go and question her parenting skills (although they are beyond belief some of her ideas - taking tv off them as punishment(fair enough) but never giving it back? making them sleep on floor if they chat at night and making ds1 strip his bed and bawling him out for wetting the bed)

ds1 seems like he is in a world of his own and doesnt answer any question with what he feels or thinks but with answers he thinks you want to hear IYKWIM any ideas how to get through to him and should we question him about home life??

sorry for the novel

bump

help???

I think some of things you are talking about as punishments from birth mum sound a bit extreme, almost verging on cruelty. I mean sleeping on the floor!!!!. They aren't animals

I think you need to talk to him about waht is happening at home, and what to expect as a punishment for the same crime in your house, although chatting at night and wetting bed are not crimes, and perhaps you should tell him this. Make him feel secure in your house if not in his mums.

If his home life is upsetting him that badly couldn't he come and live with you?

thanks fizzbuzz was getting very lonely lol

i just think she has a weird idea of punishment - the sleeping on the floor was for them talking and kicking the wall.

we have told him time and time again that in our house he will not get smacked ever for anything. just reasonable punishment if he misbehaves. but it doesnt sink in and i should imagine he's already programmed into what he gets at home because when we talk to him after he has lied he just glazes over and isnt interested in what we say (which is a little annoying when we are trying to be fair)

we dont have a court order and have problems in the past with dh's ex stopping contact so we wouldnt even be able to offer to have the kids here (and we havent got much room) and to be honest i doubt they would want to - im sure they love their mum - think its more her partner that is the problem!!!!

Oh bless him, poor thing being told off for wetting the bed .

I've got a dd (4) and dsd (11) who comes alternate weekends. I'm the same as you, I won't have hitting or lying here either and I too have always thought it's really hard for dsd going between the two homes with different sets of rules.

I did wonder though if you should maybe cut him some slack with the lying over little things because of what's maybe going on at home. It does sound like he thinks he might get punished if he tells the truth, and he is so used to not telling the truth he does it at yours. Does it really matter if he hasn't changed his boxers? Or had a biscuit?

hi surfermum
thanks for replying - when we can we do go easy on him - but it had an adverse affect with my son starting to lie, we treat the 3 boys equally because they are similar ages but i am unhappy having my once honest son thinking he can lie to me because ss1 does. we do try and give ss1 little incentives like if he tells the truth he can spend 30 minutes one on one with his dad which he loves and has worked on a few occasions.

its the lying over little things that annoy me the most - i can understand lying if he broke the tv and knew he was going to get grief for it - i did as a kid but lying over things that would otherwise go un noticed, just seems pointless.

i do wonder often how his mum comes up with these ideas on good parenting. im no supermum but i think its commonsense 70% of parenting.

I really think "we do try and give ss1 little incentives like if he tells the truth he can spend 30 minutes one on one with his dad which he loves and has worked on a few occasions. "

is a bad idea

It is using what should be an unconditional loving relationship to manipulate behaviour

I can see what you mean. I hate when dd copies dsd's less acceptable behaviour, and it's not easy to deal with because the child isn't living with you all the time and there's the influence of someone else's parenting.

What about loads of positive praise verbally for telling the truth? "Thank you for telling the truth, I'm really pleased you did" sort of stuff.

I'm not sure that one on one time with his Dad should be a reward though. He should just get that anyway.

You could try starting another thread in one of the more general sections and you might get some more replies. I think lots of people don't post here as they don't have experience of being a step-family, but you might find other people have had problems with their children telling lies and can give you some advice.

sorry - both dsc have one on one with their dad anyway but it is something that dss1 absolutely loves and it works so its in addition to what he gets anyway IYSWIM. its awkward because they are so similar in age they want whatever the other/s get so there is all round equality. but extra time with dad reading is something that they can all have.

We have the problem of lying from my dh oldest child, but tbh I think she does it because she says what she thinks we want to hear. We have tried to say to tell the truth at all costs, if you have done something wrong and admitted it, you will feel a lot worse if you do it and then lie and are subsequently found out.

I wish there was a book on how to be

1. a parent
2. step parent

would make life a whole lot easier

For truly dire step parent situations the disengaging essay can help. It is American, so not really as relevant to the British psyche. But you can cherry pick the parts that are most suited to your situation. I had and still have a wonderful relationship with both my step kids, but learning to disengage was something I had to do for my own sanity at times!

www.steptogether.org/essays.html

There are some good essays on there particularly for step mum's who find their partner's behaviour rather perplexing.