Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Birthday

15 replies

sxround · 29/05/2018 19:18

I have been with my partner now for 2.5 years and on the whole I can say we have a great relationship😀

She has two children aged 14 (Girl) and 21 (boy). Neither of them have ever really known their respective fathers.
Over the past year I have spent more and more time at their house to the point where I live there now permenantly and we are going to rent my house out.

I have always hit it off with her daughter from day one. We have a great laugh share similar humour and i would like to think there is solid mutual respect.
Her son less so. He has always been hard work since he was small with quite challenging behavior. He is exceptionally immature, very rude to his mum and generally mean spirited to everyone except his girlfriend. I have tried hard with him....I help him out with things, and do quite a lot in the house for everyone including him.
He is very selfish and to give an example, at his mums or sisters birthday he will very begrudgingly chuck them a card with £10 in it.
It was my birthday this week, and his mum and sister made an effort, but I got nothing from him at all. Not even a happy birthday😓
His mum approached him on this and said how rude it was of him, but all he said was that he didn’t know, despite seeing birthday cards in the house, FB messages, and a cake!

I feel really hurt.

Am I over reacting?

I am suffering parental alienation over my two own kids just now and maybe I am just too sensitive?

Any help appreciated

Thanks

OP posts:
NorthernSpirit · 29/05/2018 19:22

Kids are inherently selfish and at 21 I woukd of expected him an adult to of grown out of it. Extremely selfish of him. I wounder how he’d feel if you forgot his birthday? The same thread is on here today from a SM. What is it with SC? It’s not acceptable to treat people like this.

Original poster
sxround · 29/05/2018 19:31

It is commonly agreed by all that he is exceptionally immature even for 21. His mum thinks his behaviour is closer to 16

OP posts:
Teggun · 29/05/2018 19:40

What is it with SC?
That's a hell of a leap NorthernSpirit! The OP lives with an immature and rude young man. It's a specific issue and according to the OP the dss is like that with his own family. Hardly helpful to jump in with exasperation at SC in general.

Teggun · 29/05/2018 19:53

Sorry OP I didn't respond to you.
My advice is focus on the positives. It sounds like you have built a good relationship with your partner's daughter. I'd enjoy that and really not stress about her ds. It sounds like It really isn't personal .
Don't spoil the good bits by being hurt by thoughtlessness.

moodance · 29/05/2018 20:52

Don't bother with SS birthday... or make an effort... I find it difficult too. I want to act as a child when SC do hurtful things ... however it appears childish... but surely when the SC is an adult... the line is very thin!

Redbus1030 · 29/05/2018 21:17

This reply has been deleted

The OP has now deregistered, as they have privacy concerns. We have agreed to take this down at their request.

swingofthings · 30/05/2018 07:12

He might be immature but still at an age when he will feel he has a right to decide whether he likes you or not and base his judgement on first and maybe biaised impressions.

He might just not like you much the same you don't like him much and he isn't bothered to respond to your efforts. I'd just continue to do as you do, but don't expect anything back. It might take a while to gain his trust and him to allow himself to accept that you are a great guy. Maybe he doesn't trust that you'll stay long with his mum, especially if she has a history of being in relationships that don't last. Maybe he just doesn't want to get attached.

Redbus1030 · 30/05/2018 07:57

This reply has been deleted

The OP has now deregistered, as they have privacy concerns. We have agreed to take this down at their request.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 30/05/2018 09:25

Don't bother with SS birthday... or make an effort

How would that help? Assuming it upset the SS, surely that would then add fuel to the fire and escalate the issue? Yes, he’s an adult and should know better, but it sounds to me that this is a lead by example/kill with kindness kind of situation. Tit for tat is rarely a constructive response to anything.

moodance · 30/05/2018 11:37

@ohreallyohreallyoh that's the two options really .... make an effort with the SS or don't ... completely up to the OP. I guess it's up to the OP if he wants an adult SS treating them like that.

I am guessing you are with okay with adult child being like that ... and that's why they are called snow flakes I guess ...

Teggun · 30/05/2018 11:58

The situation the OP describes is of a young man who has had difficulties all his life. Maybe there is an underlying 'reason', maybe not. But we do know he hasn't had a relationship with his own father and has a half sister who also doesnt have a relationship with her father. There is clearly a massive backstory way before the OP came on the scene.

We don't know if the OP's relationship and recent moving in has made the situation worse but we do know that the young man's behaviour is not restricted to the OP. moodance has decided the man is a 'snowflake'. Maybe the OP is a 'snowflake' because despite having lots of attention from DP and her DD, OP is "really hurt" by not getting anything from DP's son Confused

From the description given, that was pretty much to be expected. OP has only recently moved in so there is no history of years of financial and emotional suppot being thrown back in their face.

I agree the behaviour described is rude/ immature/ thoughtless etc. - but it is not a SC child issue. It is an issue that is specific to this young man who was already 19 when the OP met him. And it is clearly not going to be resolved simply or easily.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 30/05/2018 12:58

I am guessing you are with okay with adult child being like that ... and that's why they are called snow flakes I guess

Oh wow.

I hope I am bringing up my children to be polite and well mannered. I also hope that they understand the difference between doing something because it’s polite and making a choice not to pander to others feelings at the expense of our own feelings. It’s a fine line. There is no obligation to buy anyone a present for any occasion, is there?

Dancingmonkey87 · 30/05/2018 15:32

To be fair I agree with swing he was an adult when op came on the scene, it’s not as if he’s been involved in his upbringing, it would be completely different if he was involved with him as child but that’s not the case here. He’s a man and he may simply not like op , it sounds like a clash of personalities. He’s had at least one other step father who is his dsis df as I noticed in the op it the use of fathers not father. Both his step father and his own are not on the scene. I can’t imagine him being particularly welcoming to the next man in his DM life if the previous two walked away and don’t play a part in either dc lives.

Greendayz · 30/05/2018 21:15

I think you're probably best just to lower your expectations of him a bit, so you're not so likely to get hurt. He's an immature not-really-adult yet who is still self-centred and doesn't think about birthdays. And you're an adult he's never been close to by the sounds of it.

You don't need to buy him anything personal on his birthday - just sign a joint card with your DP and let her sort him out. Don't expect anything back unless your DP is prepared to remind him every year. Accept that you're playing a really good role in your DSD's life, but you're probably not going to be able to have very much influence on DSS. Just focus on basic politeness and trying to rub along together without too much conflict.

Original poster
sxround · 01/06/2018 08:46

I would like to thank every single one of you who has posted on this thread.
Differing perspectives from everyone, but they have all helped.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread