How do you work your blended family?

[menconfuseme]

So my bf and I both have children from previous relationships. I have one boy who is 6 and he has 2 girls who are 11 and 13. We have been together a year. I have only just started to meet his kids. I mentioned this morning about how it will be nice when we can spend time together all of us in holidays etc. He didn't reply. I asked that's what he wants to work towards. He said 'yes and no'. He said that his kids are growing fast and will still always want time on his own with them. That's fine and I did expect that but just thinking practically if we live together how this would work. How do other people manage situations like this?
Im starting to wonder if this relationship is going anywhere as I just don't get the feeling that he wants me to be involved in their lives.

A bit different in my case as OH doesn't have children but from the start, we agreed that he would continue to go on his annual holiday with other guys and I will continue to take my kids on holidays. We also do one holiday all together and we manage week-ends away just the two of us and we've had one holiday just the two us in the last 5 years.

It works well for us but we are fortunate to be able to afford it (although we do make many sacrifices to do so as it's a priority in our lives).

My kids are totally different when we holiday just the three of us to when it is all of us together. It's hard to explain but it's like they can be more themselves, and our relationship is like it was before. It's not just my kids who value it but me because I do like to go back to giving them my full attention for that short period of time.

This doesn't mean my OH and I are not fully committed to each other, just that we accept that we came in in each other's lives with some habits already in place and that although we have all compromised to make it work, it's nice sometimes to do things we also enjoyed doing before we got together.

I don’t have kids of my own and am a SM to 2 (12 & 9).

I think it’s inpoe dad spends time on his own with the kids (he only sees them EOW). So they do a weeks holiday with dad without me.

We do a family holiday together for a week.

My OH and I holiday together on our own.

I think it’s important to spend time as a couple, as a family and on their own with dad.

Watching with interest, I’ve got two teens, same as my BF. We’re committed, and very happy. Kids and adults all fine, but the kids have barely met each other.

Constantly wonder what the future could / should / will look like. Can’t figure out whether blending should even be attempted and feel quite conflicted.

I think the fact he says ‘yes and no’, OP, is a green flag. It means he is realistic.

I have no idea whether living a compartmentalised life/maintaining two homes is just the price to pay for being realistic. Or whether I’m just a wimp. Answers on a postcard!

I think secondary school age children like being with their own age group and to do stuff with their friends. They may be more accepting of a stepmother and stepbrother if they can have the security of spending time just with their Dad - as they presumably did before you came on the scene. It's not terrifically likely that they'll instantly want to regard your son as someone who is part of their family.

So not rushing into playing 'happy blended families' seems rather the wiser option to me.

Thanks for your replies.
No I'm not intending on rushing anything anyway. We are still in the process of me just popping round and them not having met my son yet so I acknowledge it's very early stages. I was just wondering what people's thoughts were and I can see more so why it's important to continue to spend together without me, suppose I was wondering whether this will be a barrier to moving in together but we are a while from that anyway.

I would not think it a barrier to moving in, necessarily. But expecting blended families to behave like original families is a bit naive, I think. Unless everyone gets on like a house-on-fire. Perhaps more possible with small children? Not so much with teens.

My experience is this: a weird by-product of being a single parent is the importance of one-to-one time with the kids. I think it’s a precious resource for maintaining security for a child who has two homes, the need for which would continue after others have moved in.

I have no actual experience or blending families though, it’s just my own view.

@HipsterAssassin & OP. My dp & I have been round & round in circles regarding this very problem. Like you all adults fine, my kids fine, his a little less so due to issues with their dm & a few other things. Kids haven't spent much time together but are ok (though very different) whey they do.
Dp & I together over 3 years & are getting married later this year.
Dp lives with me & my kids when they're here & not at their dads, & travels EOW weekend to see his kids in a different town where he has kept a house. He works away from home (both my town & the town where his kids live) during the week so can't see them then but takes them all bank holidays & half of every school holiday.
Having decided we'd sell both houses & buy one large one we then found a perfect property & the deal fell through. At that point his kids (mainly his eldest who's 18 & sitting A levels next year) got quite stroppy & said they'd no intention of traveling to see their dad so we decided to keep both houses & keep going as we had been.
Dp was quite down about this & his exw had licked off about lots of stuff, again, so fair dues to dp he took himself off to a therapist.
He's now a number of weeks in & she has told him that unless he has one home with me (his wife to be) where his kids can come stay his mental health & physical health will suffer; that he'll never feel fully bonded to me unless he can call me home if that makes any sense. She's basing this assessment on his personality type. She also feels that by ceding to the kids (who are all teens) that he's setting a very bad precedent for his future relationship with them.
I worry about how this might affect my kids but she says I've to put my big girl pants on lol.
I should stress that it's not that his kids have any problem with me or my kids personally, but they are quite lazy & can't be arsed coming here as it's over an hours drive away - typical teens I one way I suppose - & basically just want dp to spend the weekends at their beck & call.
I sort of get it but this therapist tells dp it won't kill the kids to make a few sacrifices as dp makes enough sacrifices for them!
Answers also on a postcard!?!
I should also stress that this woman has been a personal & family therapist for YEARS & is highly qualified.
I dunno - I feel it could all backfire.
For the record we holiday as a couple, me with mine & his with his & I've been on long weekends with him & his kid & vice versa but never altogether. Tbh it's a VERY expensive way of keeping everyone happy.

Yep. I hear you. And I hear the therapist too...

Takes a brave person to blend in these circs. I agree the adults need to lead, it’s not the end of the world, yada yada. But. Gulp.

Big girl pants where are you......!!

I should also stress that this woman has been a personal & family therapist for YEARS & is highly qualified.
Really? Well when I studied counselling, the first thing we learnt that the golden rule of counselling is that you NEVER tell the client what they should do or not do. You are told that therapy is about helping your client explore their own feelings, asking themselves the right questions, so that THEY can come up with what they believe is best for them and those around them.

So either this therapist is not so good from a counselling perspective, or he is telling you what you want to hear from his sessions rather than what she actually said.

@swingofthings - I too have studied counseling (I trained for three years) & it has changed over the years whereby a client can choose a level of therapy especially in the early days as in informal chats/life coaching versus intensive personal therapy. Dp has chosen the former.

He doesn't necessarily agree with her analysis of things & that's the bit he has to figure out for himself. He has asked me if I'd like to go with him as he & she are still at the stage where she'd be happy for me to sit in so he's not just telling me what he wants me to hear.

The problem with counselling is there aren't any legal restrictions on who can call themselves a counsellor. I woudn't go near anybody who wasn't a BACP member.

We do things very similarly to the way swing describes in her first post - doing some things together and also some in our component parts. For family visits DH each take our own DC to see their own family and rarely take the DSC. I mostly go with him (leaving my own kids with their dad for the day) and vice versa, but we don't take all the kids (partly because there are too many of us then to stay with anyone)

We do try to do one holiday a year with all the kids, but will sometimes split up for day trips whilst on holiday, which may mean me and mine and DH and his (but could also mean other configurations these days). I've also taken just my DC1 for some walking weekends as that's something we both enjoy and the DSC/DC2 don't. Over time we've done less in our component parts, but I still value a bit of time with just me and my DC. My kids are more open then I think and I'm not balancing them with the DSC.

It's really odd at first though. I can still remember the first time I came round to visit with my DC and we all sat on one couch and DH (just BF then of course) and his kids all squished on the other one and I remember thinking how's this ever going to feel normal? But things did change gradually and I'd say we're pretty well blended now.

It's a new and different family type you're creating though. Not a return to a nuclear family. You don't ever get that back again.