How would you deal with this?

[Snowdonia]

Hi!

I'll try and keep this brief, but I'm just wondering if anyone else has been through this and how you dealt with it.

Basically my DH and his ex have DS 50/50. 3 nights one week and 4 the other, but every other weekend (Friday, Saturday and Sunday) tends to be set in stone. The only time it changes is if ex hasn't seen DS much, then DH will offer her some of his weekend if she wants it. Every week ex will send DH her Rota for the following week and we try and work around that as best we can. It tends to work really well. If DH, Ex and I are all working we manage to arrange childcare with my mother or DH will use leave.

The problem now, which keeps happening again and again, is ex will give away days from my DH weekends with DS to a relative that my DH is estranged from. DH has repeatly asked her not to do this. His weekends are his time where we know we have DS for definite and can make plans.

Ex has now text asking what days DH wants DS next week (his weekend), but has said he is staying with estranged relative Thursday night and spending all day with her Friday. It's the school holidays so we were planning on doing something. Maybe a last minute camping trip if the weather is good. So it's frustrating for DH that she never asks first.

Do you think DH has every right to be annoyed? Or should he let it go once again. I think DH finds it even more frustrating because it's never her days she's giving away.

They've done mediation and it was there they agreed to every other weekend. What would you do?

If he has an issue with it because the child is going to the estranged person, then yes, he is being unreasonable because his being estranged doesn't mean the boy has to.

However, if he has an issue with it because she seems to feel that she can decide on contact to suit her or her family, then yes, it is totally reasonable to say that he had made plans and that she should have checked first and that especially as they have 50/50, she has no right to assume that she gets to call all the shots.

How he goes about explaining this though is up to him, but the least confrontational he can try, the better.

No it's not the relative that's the issue. He doesn't have a problem with DS seeing the relative. It's annoying for DH though because his ex will tell DS a week or so in advance that he is spending the day with relative so he looks forward to it, which is fine. Then when DH is told about it and says he's not happy she's giving his days away again, she just says well DS wants to go and that's it. When DH did say we had plans last time the ex then tells DS that "It's Daddy that is stopping you spending time with relative, not me". We're not assuming she's saying this, DH has heard her tell DS while they were on the phone discussing it. In the end we cancelled our plans because it was easier than DH being made out to be the bad one. Same again this time, DH has had to let it go.

Yes, the EW is being unreasonable. It’s dads contact time, not the mums. He decides what the kids do not her. How does she feel when you control her time?

If she can’t adhere to an agreed schedule (agreed between them, not dictated by her) get a contact order. Stops the messing around and everyone knows we’re they stand. Your OH can represent himself and it costs £215.

No, SIBU, she should give away her own time with Ds, not your husband's.

Does the relative live closely and visiting, hence these time the only ones to see them, or do they live closely and they could see them at anytime. If so, why hasn't he asked why he can't see that relatives at times when he would normally be with his mum?

NorthernSpirit- Thanks for the info. I'll let DH know. Hopefully they can resolve it but it's worth looking it to. If we were to tell her DS was spending the day with someone else when she was available she would hit the roof. We wouldnt do it though. Not when he could go to someone on our time.

Swingofthings- Relative lives 40 minutes from DH and I, 20 minutes from ex. It could be arranged for anytime. That's what's annoying about it. It's always done on DH time no matter how many times he tells her to stop. He's sick of having the same disagreement over and over again

She thinks she’s in charge. If you can’t reason with her - get a contact order. It’s the only way to stop the messing around.

We had the same thing with my OH’s EW. She woukd areange things on dads time (and he only sees them EOW). In the end it went to court and she was told by a judge not to arrange things on dads time - he decides.

Funny, how if the shoe was on the other foot she would hit the roof. She’s being unreasonable and probably doing it to show she’s in control.

Sounds like the ex is using the child as a tool to control your husband. It's foul play to tell the child they can spend time with the relative on your husband's time. She has no right to do that. How old is the child? Old enough for your husband to tell him that the ex doesn't get the make those decisions? It's a fine line to walk because the child should never be put in the middle.

He's 9, 10 soon. Still too young to be in the know about what's going on behind the scenes sort of thing. He's not daft though. He picks up on a lot. He knows his mother tries to get him to think/feel a certain way. He's said that before. We'd rather him come to realise what she's doing himself

She’s being completely unreasonable. If she’s going to mess him around and do something he’s specifically asked her not to then he needs to stop pandering.

On his weekends, he’s obviously making plans and she doesn’t want to spend time with DS anyway. It’s farcical. She’s effectively asking for a favour then doing a favour for someone else that DH chooses not to have a relationship with. Say no!

Contact is for the child to have with their parents. He’s not even going to be with his mum so he should be with his dad.

Thanks! It's good to know you all agree. When DH brings it up she turns it on him as if he's being unreasonable, so I'm glad you can see it's the other way around. It makes me feel better to hear outside opinions on it. DH has told her it's not too happen again on his days or they'll have to go back to mediation. Fingers crossed she'll finally stick to it!