Absolutely broken

[Hurtingstep]

So a few weeks ago before our wedding, I asked my then fiance to look at his phone because he'd suddenly gone really protective over it and it was always on silent....there was nothing to find because he'd deleted every single message sent between him and his ex.

He made some excuse up that he doesn't want anything to do with her on his phone and acknowledged how betrayed I felt and promised to start being more open and honest with me.

So today he went and picked up their son, after only telling me on Tuesday that we were having him so she could go away on holiday for the second time in a month, and that he's booked days off work to benefit her. Now don't get me wrong, I'm more than fine to have their son and I'm all for single parents getting some time to themselves, but what hurts is that they've planned it without even so much as letting me know, especially as it means Im expected to look after him the end of the week despite my disabled daughter having appointments.

Anyway, this afternoon we had a blazing row because he came home from picking his son up in a right mood and was horrible to my child for no reason. I made some stupid comment about him texting her and he offered me his phone to prove he hadn't....well, turns out he's been messaging her a lot more than he's been letting on. I'm talking times when I've been upstairs upset because he's been horrible to me, during my daughter's birthday party. He sent her a picture which had my son in it. And photos that he's taken during our time together at the park, so she's obviously been on his mind the entire time.

I'm all for parents getting on and what not, but to me this feels like too much. The way they talk to eachother aswell just seems like they're dragging out what could be said in one message.

I have to be up for work in a few hours and I'm just sat downstairs in the dark feeling worthless and hurt. I tried talking to him about it and he admitted he shouldn't have done it but then got in my face and screamed at me that he was sorry. So I stumbled down the stairs absolutely terrified, my legs gave way when I got to the bottom.

After a past relationship which was very abusive I have always emphasised how important respect and honesty are to me.... absolutely gutted

I don’t understand the issue with the photos texts. He’s sharing pictures of their child.

Do you spend a lot of time crying and arguing?

Screaming in your face isn’t on.

It's not the sharing pictures that I mind, it's the fact that we're out having fun together and he goes out of his way to take pictures purely to send to her. If he was taking them anyway and sent them later on then I'd have no issue, but hes sending them straight away while we're still out.

I just feel like there are no boundaries, like she comes first no matter what the situation.

We don't argue often, but lately he has started showing aggression, kicking things, slamming things around, and now the screaming in my face

So very sorry your going through this. Things aren’t done between him and his ex, whether is sexual, emotional or Just overstepped boundaries it’s clearly not finished.

If I were you I would leave him

I still can’t see the issue with the photos. I take photos of the toddler and the dogs no matter who I’m with (family, DH, teens) and send them to whoever (family, DH, teens) on the spot. Nobody bats an eyelid. You’re only seeing it as an intrusion, a hierarchy or preference thing because you have an existing jealousy or mistrust.

The violence/ aggression is a different. That’s a huge problem.

Your relationship sounds very unhealthy, him from an aggressive perspective, you from an unsecure one.

He is frustrated because you're unsecure and that makes you controlling, your frustrated because he is treating you like crap.

Are you sure you are getting anything from being together? Let the texts go, you need to work on your relationship if you want to stay together. Talk to each other, you agree to let go of his relationship with his ex, they are entitled to remain friends, and it doesn't seem that you have any evidence that there is more than that, and he needs to respect you and indeed, stop taking you for granted.

You both need to let go of the angst that is holding you back.

We don't argue often, but lately he has started showing aggression, kicking things, slamming things around, and now the screaming in my face

This is abuse. You've been warned. Get out now before it escalates

Agree with other posters. The messaging thing isn’t necessarily a problem. The aggression, and expecting you to look after his DS without checking with you first, are the problems.

How does your daughter feel about his behaviour? Do you want what you have for her? You are training her to be in unhappy, insecure, abusive relationships.

You seem completely fixated on his ex, when the problem is much closer to home.

Oh op, I really feel for you. This is not an easy situation for you to be in

I'm going to go against the grain here and say it's not ok to be sharing photos of every single thing. Fair enough if he's taken a particularly nice photo, or as you say, shares it later in the day, but to actively take a picture to deliberately send to the ex when doing family things with you....that is overstepping a bit. There s a whole other thread on here about too much contact with the ex

Of course you're feeling insecure. He's hiding contact with his ex. I'm sure it's because he doesn't want to upset you or have to 'deal with you', but it's a slippery slope and how can trust be built when he's behaving like that? You're both caught in a vicious circle

This is a really fragile situation and anyone who says it's fine probably hasn't been through it

You say you found this stuff out just before the wedding? How long have you been feeling like this? Why has it taken so long to surface?

I completely agree with @TwoDots.

When a partner starts hiding their phone, deleting messages being secretive they usually have something to hide.

He should be consulting you in child stuff. I’m a SM and would never say no to contact but as we share a home it’s manners to mention it.

They sound like they haven’t emotionally detached. It’s not ok to be sharing every single thing with each other. And the fact he’s hiding it screems he knows this.

The anger is a different matter - he needs to find a way to control it.

I always laugh when people say straight way ‘leave him’. We know nothing of your lives and relationship (apart from a few lines you’ve written). You’ve just married. See if you can work this through rather than just walking away.

Childcare should be arranged with both people in the household. Not a problem that things cahnge but everyone impacted should be consulted esp if there expected to do school runs etc. What would have happened if you had a commitment and couldn't do it as hadn't been asked?

Photos don't bother me and I'm often one that ends up sending them as it's nice and also cause it stops the children saying they did nothing when here (gotta love them but they forget). We get lots of pics in return. Plus means kids see parents getting on with each other a bit more which is good.

An honest non emotional chat about what your concerns are and why your uncomfortable might help. Maybe set boundaries or have it as a chat. He's probably not thinking of his ex but rather of the kids when he sends the photos. A talk might calrify this and help you feel reassured.

His behaviour is worrying but again an open discussion might solve the anger/frustration. Only you know how you feel about your partner.

So is the wedding off? Not quite sure from your post.

Arranging for you to have his child without consulting you is unacceptable. I wouldn't be looking after him.

The aggression is a warning. End it.

I presume the wedding is off ?

I would also be saying no to having his son later in the week when he couldn’t even consult you. He will have to work out his own arrangements.

Actually I’d of left him with everything you have said. Getting up in your face, constant contact with the ex, arranging for his son to come over without even talking to you but expecting you to look after him.

He has no respect to you, don’t raise your children around him.