Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

DP and My Son, My Daughter - issues - facing break up!

56 replies

dontwanttobeheremaryjane · 18/05/2018 13:54

So I will try to keep this short but you may want a cuppa and biscuit before you start reading...

So been with DP for over a year, we live together with my DP (12) and DD (7) and his DD(6) eow. My kids regularly see their dad and all is OK with arrangements etc.

Problem is that me and DP don't tend to agree over parenting issues. If I leave DP and my kids for any length of time World War 785696 breaks out!

I know my kids have flaws, they argue back, they fight with each other, they spend too much time online, the don't do as much around the house as maybe they should but I seem to be able to handle them better when they do act up. I've given DP lots of tips and help and as bad behaviour is a daily thing he's seen how I deal or don't deal and yet when I'm not there he does things very differently which always results in my getting my DS on the phone crying and DP crying when I get home and me stuck in middle trying to sort it all out.

I've questioned leaving DP over it but issue we have is I am 26 weeks PG with our child. What a mess I know...

I know no family life is perfect, it's not all like the movies but this constant fighting that goes on with them 3 when I'm not there is making it so I don't want to leave them alone and that shouldn't be case either.

I've tried advising DP how and what I want doing if they act up....but he tends to go off on his own tact, which then also causes us to argue as I don't like some of the name calling and swearing he does and I am also super aware that soon my DS and DD will report back to their dad who will use it as excuse against me to have ago and I don't need that stress either.

Not really sure what anyone can do or suggest....
I know I need to be heavier with kids, make them do more, be more respectful but I also want to be able to leave them all for an extra hour without this level of stress and falling out and upset when I get home.
DP isnt very good at taking any form of advice or positive criticism and then we fall out. I'm not saying "my way is best" but I also won't have my children dealt with in certain ways.

Sorry just needed a rant and hopefully feel better later.....xx

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 18/05/2018 15:34

It really is too soon and too much change too quickly. He’s not treating your children with respect, which should be an absolute minimum. He needs to really step up or get out

Gizlotsmum · 18/05/2018 15:45

How does he want them to behave? Does he shout and name call his daughter? Does she behave differently to your two? Effectively you undermine him by listening to your children complain, does your partner have genuine reason to dislike the way your children act?

However he should not be name calling and parenting in a way that is unacceptable to you.

Maybe you two need to talk ( and agree) some parenting strategies that apply for all children?

RideOn · 18/05/2018 15:47

I think the weekly family meeting is a good idea. Also wonder if he is annoyed with them a lot of the time? Whether you spend a lot of time as referee and trying to soothe him? Maybe he doesnt really want to parent your DCs.

DP isnt very good at taking any form of advice or positive criticism this struck me, how do you improve the situation if he doesnt want to change his behaviour? make the children tip toe round him?

HeebieJeebies456 · 18/05/2018 16:06

I know I need to be heavier with kids, make them do more, be more respectful

Kids used to do same with their dad, just think they didn't "report" back to me when I left them with their dad....whereas cos it's my parter they report back on him!

Maybe it's also your kids who need to change their attitude and behaviour?
They can't treat other adults like shit and expect them to pander to their antics just cos their own parents do.

Allthebestnamesareused · 18/05/2018 16:12

Yes - perhaps you should be focusing on your children's behaviour and letting them know. they are clearly running circles round him because you allow them to and then allow them to tell tales rather than insisting they behave.

moodance · 18/05/2018 16:23

Sounds like your kids are pushing him to the limit ... whilst it's all fun and games being the Disney parent ... you will be left with your DC while DP moves out and moves on ... it might be an hour or an hour and half your DC are left with him, however both DC are at the age of knowing what's right and what's wrong. And if they act like shit bags then you have to address their downfalls.

Your DP is not their father and should not be carrying out any parental duties.

swingofthings · 18/05/2018 17:10

I know my kids have flaws, they argue back, they fight with each other, they spend too much time online, the don't do as much around the house as maybe they should but I seem to be able to handle them better when they do act up
To be honest, when a SM write this about her SCs, she is told that the problem is with her OH not disciplining her kids appropriately and that she shouldn't have to put up with such behaviour.

Your biggest worry might be the long term if it gets to the point that he can't cope at all with this behaviour, not just when they are alone with you but just sharing a house with them. Have you ever discussed how each feel about your different approaches with disciplining and what compromise you could both live with?

Love51 · 18/05/2018 17:17

I wouldn't be happy if my children's other parent left them with someone who verbally abused them. If he refused to act appropriately you might need to act like a single parent - take 7 yo with you or arrange a play date.

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 18/05/2018 17:24

So you met, moved in together and got pregnant within a year? I’m surprised that all the kids aren’t playing up.

It sounds like he isn’t bothered about your dc. Stepfamily dynamics are very difficult, and l would say no one really knows anyone well enough to live together as a joint family within a year of meeting. It’s difficult for everyone, not just the dc.

If you had allowed room for breathing space l guess it would have been better. I’m a stepparent. We were togethether 4years before we moved in, and another 2 before we had a dd. Even then dynamics were difficult.

I think your problem stems from too much too soon

SandyY2K · 18/05/2018 18:55

You need to address the poor behaviour of your children as well.

People generally have less patience with other kids...especially when their own kids are well behaved.

I know siblings can argue, but the answering back is disrespectful and they need to face consequences for it, otherwise they won't learn and will have no incentive to change.

Do they behave at school? Do they answer their teachers back?

When my DD was much younger....she went through a naughty and cheeky phase. I told her that she was making a choice to behave like this, because she was well behaved at school.

I would have had reports if she was cheeky as she could be at home.

I asked why she felt her teacher deserved respect and I didn't. She lost out on treats like days out, being sent to bed early (no gadgets) and loss of TV time.

I had to keep on top of it ... the hardest time was when she was due to see Little Mix and she misbehaved. She lost out on going and I didn't relent even though she begged.

Dancingmonkey87 · 18/05/2018 19:15

Because op you had a responsibility to your dc to make appropriate decisions that affect their home life moving your new fella is one of them. Blending families takes several years of hardwork and that before moving in and adding additional siblings. You think it’s bad now just wait until your baby’s been born it will be us vs them. He’s treating your dc unfairly and your allowing it.

Hecticlifeanddrowning8 · 18/05/2018 19:40

Omg what a judgemental bunch! Accusing Op of not prioritising her kids , and even saying it's a safeguarding issue! Really!
Op as someone who's stepchildren run rings around her Blush with an age gap I'm just not used too (close in age and physically fight) I struggle with them . He will get used to their ways . Does he get along with them 1to 1? If he does then I wouldn't be too worried. It may get better once the baby is here , as he will see the children as his child's sibling *for some reason that creates a fondness)

Happinesss · 18/05/2018 21:13

Hecticlifeanddrowning8 - but she didn’t prioritise her kids Confused
She’s met a man, moved him in ASAP when they have been together less then a year, he swears at her kids and calls them twats, he’s online cheated and shes pregnant... I can’t see any prioritising of her exsisting kids here?
She can’t even leave her kids for an hour without her kids calling her upsetHmm

Dancingmonkey87 · 18/05/2018 22:31

Hecticlifeanddrowning8 Op moved her new relationship in her family home and her dc are suppose to fall inline with everything?

MarcellaBackland · 19/05/2018 00:55

Everyone saying what OP did wrong in the past, can you not acknowledge that she can’t change that now and that under the circumstances leaving her DP would be a much bigger and more difficult decision? You can’t blame her for wanting to try everything she can before taking that step. It would be far better for the kids if she can work it out so that everyone can get along than if she puts them through another big change. What might have been best in the past is hindsight and doesn’t help to rehash.

Homemadearmy · 19/05/2018 01:24

Op, this raises massive read flags with me. Is he controlling in any other ways? It’s just my ex was like that with my kids. As soon as I went out something would happen and it would be world world 3, he’d say they did something etc they’ed say he did. It was awful but he did it to stop me having a life, but world got small as I couldn’t go anywhere without them.

boatass · 19/05/2018 02:18

Wow.
Aren’t you a great mum? You’ve just made excuse after excuse for your ‘d’p’s horrible behaviour towards your DC. And you’re pregnant again.

MistressDeeCee · 19/05/2018 03:18

Your DP doesn't like your kids and he's no patience. You moved in together and blended your families very quickly, and now you're pregnant. Well..what's done is done but it's your man that's the problem not your children.

People on MN make you feel worse. Really? Your man will make your children feel worse. The most I can say is I feel sorry for them as you seem to think adults 1st, kids don't matter.

I've no doubt you'll namechange and be back on here when the mess continues. As it surely will

I hope it stays fine for you

Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit · 19/05/2018 03:37

Another example of a useless mother putting a man before her children. All in 1 year he has moved in, abuses your children and surprise surprise you’re pregnant.

flumpybear · 19/05/2018 06:55

Ok you're in it up to your eyeballs now with a new baby in its way and your two kids

You have two options as staying the same isn't working.
Either leave each other
Or
Sit down and talk, work out how to move forwards. Explain that his chins is precious to him and your children are precious to you and even though yours are busing difficult, you'll work in it with him but he has to work on his behaviour with them. I'm sure you'd never call his child a twat and ask joe it would make him feel if you did
Good luck

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 19/05/2018 09:47

to argue as I don't like some of the name calling and swearing he does that does stand out massively for me. You say it’s few and far between? But it’s the only thing that you list specifically from your first post.

Your children are crying regularly on the phone to you?

I think you need to be very specific here. What is actually going on? Is there regular shouting at your kids?

You sound like you are on the one hand pretty at the end of your tether, and desperate for advice and help. It must be very hard being pregnant. And then on the other as soon as something is picked up, like name calling, you then go back and minimise it. Why don’t you go to counseling and talk all of this through?

If it were me, I would not be leaving my children alone with your DP for long periods of time at all. I don’t do this even now with my oldest, he doesn’t feel comfortable, and DP is fine usually, but he had a go at him once and even once can tip that balance if there’s no bedrock of love.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 19/05/2018 10:26

I’m trying to think which adults in my life would I accept calling my child a twat and I just can’t think of any. Not my parents, or my sister. Not even my DCs own father. I just wouldn’t. They wouldn’t be around my child again after the first time. They certainly wouldn’t be in my bed!! But i guess people have different priorities. Hmm

boatass · 19/05/2018 13:18

Op isn’t coming back Hmm

Hissy · 19/05/2018 13:34

Who says how long you have to wait and why

Clearly this isn’t working, was PISS POOR and irresponsible “thinking” on your part and proves that your only consideration was your sex life rather than the well-being of your kids. They literally had no choice in the matter and you know it.

You literally don’t even know this guy properly, he’s a shit man, a crap dad and a damaging presence in your kids life.

And now there’s another one on the way to add to the kids mental load.

chavtasticfirebanger · 19/05/2018 15:16

I get so weary of listening to women who say 'I moved him in because we all wanted him to'.
No.
You moved him in because YOU wanted to. Do you really think your children, who are not adults, really know what they want to do with regards to such a big decision? How do you know they even feel able to share their true feelings to you?
If your kids can behave well with you and react positively to your parenting, and if they are behaved well at school, then they are trying to tell you that they are unhappy with your partner.
He is only nice to them when his daughter is with you. So he can, when he wants to, play happy families. He doesn't call his daughter a twat or say she fucking didn't pick something up. He saves the expletive criticisms for YOUR children. He doesn't want them, he wants you. He wants his daughter and your baby. Not your children.
This man is emotionally abusing your children and you are passively letting it happen.
The question here is not how you can make them all get on. It is:
What are YOU, as their MOTHER, going to do about your partner's obvious dislike of them. Because I can guarantee, that this will escalate 100 percent once your baby is born. What if they wake it up arguing for instance? Do you think he will react favourably to that?
I am sorry for your situation as you are missing the point. You have rushed into a serious relationship before your kids are ready and tried to shoehorn them into what you think their place is in your relationship. You should still be on the meeting at the weekend stage, not making them live with someone that none of you know properly.
You really need to stand back here and see that your kids are telling you how unhappy they are. Your DP is 'crying' when you return after an hour and a half?
I disagree with a PP that if you move in with a partner with kids you by default take a role in those kids' lives. Not as a parent, no, but as a responsible adult. By having a baby together you have made this man an adult who should be responsible for providing a good role model for your kids.
What on earth will you do if you need a C Section and there are complications. Or if you ever get ill or need to work away? He can't cope for 2 hours let alone 2 days. You will never be able to relax away from them and that is a sign that something is very, very wrong.
This man consciously knows that it isn't working but rather than trying to sort it, he is whining to you and placing the problem at your door. Kids are responsive to clear communication and can sense when an adult is interested in and cares about them.
Look how you have minimised the behaviours in your posts. He swears, then in the next post it is 'only' sometimes. You shouldn't need to 'make it clear' that he shouldn't call your kid a twat.
I could shake you. Please listen to your children, back off from this man and focus on your three children in a way where the first two matter as much as the third and whose happiness is not sacrificed for the youngest. As resentment will rear it's ugly head towards all of you.