Step mum with baby on the way - advice needed

[Rin23]

I am a step mum to DSD (8) and 22 wks pregnant (my first). I'm getting a bit anxious about how things will work out with my DH's time once I have the baby. At the moment DH is with DSD 2 nights a week (gets back around 11.30pm ish, while her mum works) and we have DSD every other weekend. I always seem to be last to know of plans, because things are dictated by DSD's mum's schedule (partly because of her work rota). I am getting a bit anxious about how we share DH's time out fairly between 2 children, and how we schedule time. DH and I have talked about this, and I know he will try and make something work, but he is so disorganised and I feel maybe organisation is key? I have so far enjoyed being a step mum and get on v well with DSD, but don't want to find myself resenting the time DH spends with her. So far I've been the most accomodating - which is fine with no children to worry about, but this is gonna change. Anyone experience of this? I'd welcome advice...

Hi Rin23. I have a SD (aged 12 now)and a 2 yr old DS. My DH sees his DD every week and she stays over. I can sympathise with your feelings. Sometimes I have to 'put my foot down' as DH seems to spend most of his time arranging his schedule around his Ex's schedule.

Organisation is most certainly the key, as you rightly say. I take it DH stays at his Ex-wife's house to look after his DSD. Couldn't she come to you. You will need help with the new baby and you may find that DSD at 8 years old could be a great help to you. Having a baby will mean huge changes to everyone's lives. Have a chat with your DH about your feelings, he may be feeling anxious about things too.

Can your DH find out about his ex's rota inadvance. (Monthly for instance?)
Then you canput it ona calendar andwork out his commitments for everyone to see.

Does he have tostay there two nights? Is there no way she could stay with you those nights instead orwould getting to school be prohibitive?

Thanks v much for responses - yes it's school commitments that dictate DH stays there, although we might be able to work round this some of the time.
It's good to know your experience, JBW - do you find it works ok in general? Also, how did your SD feel about new baby? I guess the "putting foot down" as you say, will need to happen every so often.
mumto3girls - we do get the rota about a month in advance, but it never seems quite enough time, and then also there are things that I don't get to hear about til last minute (for example, this weekend I'd planned a picnic with friend's kids including DSD and it turns out she has another commitment - which I've only just been told about). I suppose it's just all about compromise!?

Hi rin I am mum to 3 and stepmum to 2. My dh 2 come every 2nd weekend, we used to have them every weekend for one day, Friday one week, Saturday the next. But more often than not their mum would ask if they could stay all weekend, we were fine with this but then the kids started to complain they weren't seeing enough of their mum (she works full time) so we settled for every second weekend.

It can be annoying if their mum makes plans for their weekend here, so it may be that you have to be fairly strict in that when it is her time to be at your house her mum knows not to make plans that include her. Of course sometimes you need to relax this if it is a family/important event she needs to attend.

When dh and I had our baby everything actually slotted together a bit more, we all seemed to gel after that. I am sure it will all work out in the end.

I know you say that your DH watches his dd twice a week, perhaps she could come to your house after school so you are all together and then your dh could take her back to her own house for bedtime?

Hi Rin23.

In general arrangements do work OK. Now and again I do get annoyed as DH seems to get his priorities wrong in that he works around his ex schedule and not ours. SD gets on very well with my DS. I think forward planning certainly makes things a lot easier and also everyone knows who is doing what.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I loved every minute of being pregnant (heartburn and all). Hope yours is going well.

Thanks very much for all advice & for congrats, JBW - great to hear your positive story. After this plus a good weekend with DSD am feeling a bit more cheerful about future! Thanks again to all.

I just work on the basis that if dsd is here, she's here and included in things, and if she isn't we just get on with things without her. We do have scheduled time to have her - alternate weekends - but during school holidays she has sometimes stayed longer than expected or come a day earlier.
I'd hate to look on it as dsd's "time to be here", I consider this her home too and she's either here or isn't.

And if dh went to be with dsd 2 evenings a week, I'd just accept that for 2 evenings he wouldn't be here, but that still leaves 5 when he is. I would want to know in advance so I can plan accordingly (and know when I'll get loads of time on mumsnet ) but other than that I can't really see a problem.

If your dh is going to be with his dsd 2 nights a week, and alternate weekends, it sounds to me like your little one will get plenty of time having their Dad to themselves.

As for dsd's feelings about dd - she adores her, and vice versa. From the word go she has been brilliant with her. We tried to make sure that as little as possible changed for dsd after dd arrived. We still did the same things when she was here, dh used to give her some one-to-one time, and DD gave dsd a present when she was born. We'd had to decorate the room that they share too, and I didn't want dsd to feel like we'd only done it for dd and hadn't bothered previously for her. I took her to the shops to choose her duvet cover and some stickers for the walls and we decorated her half of the room how she wanted and the other half for the baby.