Nightmare ex / damaging childr

[HendrixE]

Hi Folks

Basically my partner has 4 kids by eh who are getting emotionally damaged by eh.

We have been together 5 years and he is always looming in the backgound .

From my personal experience ( parents divorved,mum died early) i wanted them to see there Dad as much as possible. I now know he is a poison to the kids and they will have better lives without him in it.

We recently went back to court regarding contact where he agreed to upping his contact from two 4 hour sessions a month to the following:

A holiday with the children
Christmas day alternately

Less than 48 hours later he emailed saying he wants a variation to the order.

Basically if we dont drop the kids off my oh will get arrested but as the biological dad non resident parent he can do what ever the hell he likes regarding the order and nothing can be done.

I want to revoke the order and all contact!

Is this feasible?

Stick to the order. If he doesn't turn up at the times then too bad. Keep a meticulous diary of his behaviour.

Yeah i guess so.

Thing is kids need consistency.

I have resisted the urge to floor him for the childrens sake.

But if they weren't present when i do it, would that also be "just too bad".

Then it's up to you to step up imo. As long as dc have a great role model he doesn't have to be biological.

You sound delightful. You want to ‘floor the dad’ what a great role model you are for the children.

You sound way to involved. You say the children are being emotionally damaged by the father - how? You don’t say.

You say he is looming in the background. So he sound he, he is the kids father. At least he’s making an effort.

You’ve decided they woukd have a better life without him. That’s not your decision to make. You are over stepping the mark.

And yes, if you don’t make the children available for contact the mother is breaching the court order. She can be fined, given community service or imprisioned. It’s a court order and the mother has to stick to it. If the dad chooses not to take up the contact that’s his decision.

You want to revoke the order and stop contact. Who the hell are you to decide? How woukd you feel if the show was in the other four and some new partner stopped you seeing your own children? I bet you wouldn’t like it. You need to back off. Not your choice children, not your decision.

I echo what is said above, stick to the letter of the Order as it stands - he cannot just vary it on a whim. I doubt the Court would vary the order within such a short period of time without a very valid reason.

And as previous poster said, keep detailed record of any no-shows etc. I know it feels like he can do what he wants but if he does not stick to the Order then you can after a time apply to the Court to get it changed and ultimately potentially dropped completely but unfortunately you HAVE to be seen to be keeping up your side of it. That said, if there are examples of what he is doing to "poison" the childrens lives, then this also may need to be brought to the Courts attention although this soon after the revised order they may query why it was not brought up at the earlier hearing, particularly if your partner was agreeable to increased contact at that time.

Its complicated because he is vile and odious. I will break it down in more detail later.

I believe he has sexually abused 2 of the children. Some of the behavior exhibited by the children aged 14 and 12 leads me to believe this.

S.s will hopefully get to the bottom of that.

A lot of biological parents have commented that his behaviour is strange and that he is strange too.

Like a detective has a hunch and then sets about finding the evidence i know i must wait for the pieces of the jigsaw to fall in place regarding this comment..

I know he is conning Money by deception from his GM which disgusts me.

Im not perfect but imo he is as low as it gets.

So you ‘think’ he has sexually abused 2 of the children but he has been awarded more contact? What is the mother doing to protect the children? Why has he been given more contact if you have serious safeguarding issues?

You sound very involved and determined to undermine the father. I hope you are right in your assumptions.

I care about the younger 2 as if they were my own.

So yeah, im involved!

Undermine the father, mop up all the tears from his actions actually...

If there were any allegations of csa there is no way the courts would allow him unsupervised contact let alone increase his contact until that had been looked into and proved false. If you make allegations now they will wonder why you haven't safeguarded them previously. He's their father and he should be seeing them unless there is very serious reasons why they shouldn't. Stick to the order and accept he will be in your life until his youngest is 18.

This post gets more weird. There are 4 children but you only care for 2 as your own (after just 5 years).

Agree with the above poster. You sound like you have a grudge against the father. If there are safeguarding issues the mother (who you don’t mention - does she feel the same as you)? Should be protecting these children.

You have to take a step back and let the children (as long as there aren’t safeguarding issues) have a relationship with their dad. It’s not up to you to decide or threaten to ‘floor him’. Why are you so aggressive? If there were serious concerns you should (or rather the mother should) of raised them.

Let him be a father to his children.

I’m guessing the dc are of age where by Cafass were involved during the court process especially if you and your partner were concerned about sexual abuse towards them? If you were genuinely concerned your dp would have explored this via SS? It’s a rather big statement to make.

Also I find it odd that your posting and not your partner. I think this is where the problem lies. As someone who has an child with an ex everything was between me and him and my dh supported me but didn’t get involved in court proceedings nor did his dp.

At the time by ex had abit of cocaine habit and the court ordered for supervised access in a visitation centre.( we have now moved away 8years and ds regualrly goes to his df house and away abroad) It doesn’t seem right he would be awarded such access if there concerns other sexual abuse.

Youngest 2 are six and soon to be 8 so i have a stronger bond.

I taught them how to ride thier bikes for example.

So i care about all 4 of

I care about all of them but the older 2 are a lost cause due to the dads behaviour.

Sad but true, the apple doesnt fall far from the tree and he has fuc#$d them up good and proper to boot.

The younger two will go the same way if he continues to "care" for his kids.

Anyway, sorry for appearing aggressive,its so frusrating.. thats all

Actually the older ones need you more than ever. If they are aware your priority is the younger ones no wonder they put up with their df.

Such a shame you already wrote the older two off

Eldest called his mum a slag and wished her dead on the operating theatre aged 12.

Dad spent over 200 pounds on Nintendo games to teach him right from wrong!

Mmmm.....