New to full time step-parenting - advice needed

[Cuckoo66]

My first post and I'm searching for some help as I've found myself suddenly out of my depth.

My own DD's have long since left home but I do have many years experience in managing teenage girls.

DSD (17) moved in a few months ago, leaving behind her troubled DS and also, IMO troubled DH's ExW. I have been in her life since she was around 2 years old and always had a great relationship.

She rarely goes home which means that after many years of just us at home we have a full-time teenager living with us. A full-time teenager who lived in a dark, grim, dirty home previously and was responsible for her own laundry and cooked dinner sometimes. And it now has come to light that she was totally trusted to make her own decisions and come and go as she pleased.

I decided that I would do her laundry with ours as I’d always done for my own DD’s, but that didn't go well as clean clothes returned to her, and dirty discarded on a pile in her room rather than the wash box on the landing, got mixed. I kept finding clean clothing I knew to have not been worn in the wash when I asked for the room to be tidied. Easier to throw it all out on the landing than pack it away. A wash basket resolved this thankfully and this issue has not resurfaced. She doesn’t pack away the clean clothes as they arrive back on her bed, but it’s her room so not my issue.

I didn't give specific tasks other than cleaning her room each week and vacuuming all of upstairs which didn't seem too much to ask really. After all, she had moved in with us to study for A levels and I felt that she needed to focus on that.

I continued to do all of my regular chores as I had always done, but I noticed that sometimes only 15 minutes after I'd left the bathroom looking pristine and shiny that there would be hair on the floor, trailing hairs coming from the shower filter, chrome piping not dried off after showering creating water marks (we live in a very hard water area). On arriving we had shown her that she needed to squeegie the glass shower wall and dry off all the chrome pipes to make cleaning easier, and also shown her how to empty the filter to remove hairs trapped. And the shower mat hung back up to dry. All very easy, all things we have always done after showering. Not really very difficult - or so I thought! I would ask DH to remind her, but I’m not sure that he did as the situation continued for a few months.

Eventually I lost it one evening when the shower mat was left soaking wet on the floor rather than hung to dry over the shower where it lives, hairs were trailing out of the filter, toilet not scrubbed after use and tooth-paste blobs dotted all over the sink. I told my DH that I was no longer going to be cleaning the bathroom and that he and my DSD should do it between them.

He agreed, but I noticed that a week went by and nobody touched the bathroom. After 10 days or so the sink was dusty, covered in toothpaste and the taps were dull with limescale. The toilet I used to sneak bleach down before bedtime and washed the toilet seat to ensure it was clean for me to use. I continued to wash the towels and did the bath mat too but there were no signs of anyone doing anything else. I could bear it no longer and lost the plot again. DH passed the task to DSD. I couldn't intervene and state this was unfair, but I felt that it was. I had passed it over as joint task, but he was shirking his share.

Needless to say cleaning the bathroom was an alien experience for her - according to DH nobody would know that they needed to clean under a toilet seat if they weren't instructed. (In my head I was screaming - that instructor being you!!!!)

Having endured weeks of this ridiculous saga which was actually causing me more stress than cleaning it was, I have come up with a new idea. I've given her a checklist that even a 5 year old could follow in order to get my bathroom back to its clean, hygienic and shiny old self.

Having my DSD living full time at our home, only having been home less than half a dozen times, has really taken its toll on me and my DH says I need to chillout about the additional work - none of which he has taken on. I am her taxi to school, I'm her taxi to work a couple of times a week as he isn't home, I'm head chef, do all the shopping, clean the rest of the house and do all the laundry. I also work 30 hours a week too.

I feel like an exhausted spare part in my own home.

The rest of our house is clean, tidy and sparkling - my home is my pride and joy. She knew that before she came. Her room is not as clean and tidy as I'd like and I accept that as it's her space and I want her to feel happy living with us so tolerate the lower standard and keep the door shut.

I would really welcome some advice. Please don't be hard on me, I love my DSD to bits, but I've inherited a teenager who thinks I'm at her beck and call - all without any offer to help with cooking a meal, hanging out washing etc - and all without a please or a thank you. DH thinks I need to lower my expectations, but I’m not prepared to do this.

She’s gone from being pretty independent and cooking and cleaning at her mums house to what sounds like the minimal at yours. I think step kids view the 2nd home sometimes as a hotel that they visit.

It’s not unreasonable to ask a 17 year old to pull their weight. Yes, you might have to relax your standards a little but agree what the expectation is then stick to it. You and your OH need to be on the same page.

My 2 DSC wouldn’t lift a finger when they visit unless asked (they think it’s a hotel that they visit and mum does everything for them). But i’m not their slave and everyone in the family as a part to play in running the home.

And manners, the use of please and thank you are a given. She needs to learn this (her dads job). It’s a shame she’s got to 17 and doesn’t have basic courtesy.

If she can’t be well mannered, stop the taxi service.

It took a while for DSS to adjust to how things were done in our house but it's going well. He's not expected to do a thing with DM and was quite happy to treat our house as a hotel.

There needs to be some, albeit fairly minor, consequences for poor behaviour. DSS quickly learnt that, if clothes aren't in the laundry basket they don't get washed, if he wasn't involved in dinner - either discussing what he'd like at the beginning of the week or helping to cook - then he'll eat what he's given or if he doesn't help with taking out recycling then he doesn't get to sit around and play computer games. And I definitely won't be going out of my way to do things if I don't even get a please or thank you. That's just basic manners.

DP and myself both agree on the reasonable level of expectations in our house and I think that's the issue OP. You need DP's support otherwise DSD's behaviour will never change and if these issues don't affect him, he will never see any reason to push DSD.

Is he trying not to cause arguments with her or does he not see her behaviour as an issue?

DH doesn't want to upset her. MIL, other SD and ExW didn't want her to come and live with us initially, then ExW thought it through and decided it was OK but MIL still very anti. Never asks DH how her GD is doing when he calls her. DSD not interested really in any of them so I think that DH could be a bit more harsh and lay down the law a bit, but he says "you're the one who is bothered, so you should tell her". Not very helpful. He isn't prepared to be the bad cop!

ExW told DSD that her DD would give her £20 a week (which was to be the child benefit that she insisted on continuing to claim). This never happened as the £20 was never transferred and DSD got a part-time job and earns much more than that anyway. Money from ExW is very sporadic, but DH never checks the bank, I have to remind him to check. Recently she was 3 weeks behind and then obviously not in a position to pay all at once. It's so frustrating.

I am now working additional hours as using double the amount of petrol I used to do. Occasionally DH will give me a bit towards it, but not regular enough or money that I can rely on.

Feel quite unsupported and keep having such as "of course your DD's were so perfect weren't they".

We have had our worst ever argument this week as she wants to stay home this weekend instead of attending a family party. I don't trust her to stay home alone as she loses keys, leaves windows open, even left the patio door open a couple of weeks ago and went off to work. We are staying away overnight and she says work won't let her take the time off but we booked the hotel a couple of months ago and she had the dates. Am thinking she has had a better offer!!! But according to DH she would not deceive us, but I think I know teenage girls better than he does - I was one (a million years ago, but I was one!!!)

I am fed up of being the baddie, but also fed up of feeling my home is no longer my own.

ExW would send her DD's to us with no clothes on our weekends, filthy dirty coats, often headlice because she hadn't continued the treatment I'd started a fortnight earlier. It was a complete nightmare. We got to the stage where we didn't take them out as they would constantly ask for things and say that the DM had said we would get it. DH paid good maintenance, but she saved that up and had a holiday in the US and a cruise without her DD's!!!!! DH paid for all school trips, photos, school uniform and school shoes etc.

If we ever took them away on holiday she would tell them she was planning a trip to somewhere better. Never happened. But they would spend all week telling us how great their trip with their DM was going to be.

After years (15) of grief I thought we'd turned a corner, no more maintenance payments etc, but now we are living with a teenager who has not been taught real basic life skills. She is a beautiful girl and I hope that at least some of what she sees and learns goes in and stays in. Feel horrid having a moan but DH just not seeing it the way I see it.

Your standards sound incredibly high, even by my standards. If she has come from a relaxed (dirty) environment your house is going to be a big shock.
Spraying the chrome after every use etc sounds border line obsessive.

I know it must be hard for you. I would feel the same, but honestly you need to chill your beans. If she was cleaning the bathroom but it’s not to your standards then finish off quietly without a word. I would try harder to make her welcome

Not spraying the chrome, just wiping with a towel to stop the water marks. If she showers as I leave the house by the time I return from work there will be hundreds of watermarks. DH and I both do this with no trouble, takes about 30 seconds, even a teenager has this time.

I live in London, the water is very hard. I’m very house proud but neither of us wipe the chrome in the shower down. It does sound a little excessive.

I would approach this slowly, slowly. She’s probably never going to live up to your high expectations so be realistic and decide what she can do.

I have DSC - it’s tough, they don’t do anything at their mums house but I do expect them to pull their weight at ours. I’ve had to let certain things slip as they are kids and they try, not the way I do things but at least they try.

But we both wipe the chrome, it makes life easier. She has been with us for 9 months and initially did this and cleared the shower filter but over time she got lax and DH didn't remind her. She isn't a small child, she is 17 years old and cleaning a bathroom is surely a basic life skill as good hygiene protects us all. (I'm not saying that limey chrome spreads disease BTW).

When I visit my DD's in their homes I'm always so glad that I put in the effort and constantly encouraged them to clean and tidy as it is obvious that this went in. One of them was a real hard nut to crack, yet hers is the tidiest now.

We're all different - I accept this - but our house, our rules and our ways surely isn't too much to expect? In her own room I leave her to decide when to clean - initially suggesting Saturday morning including fortnightly bedding change. Now I bite my tongue and just leave her be - until the room looks like it's been burgled, then I will joke and say me may need to get SOCO's in.

I never ask her to clean anywhere else, I do all the rest of the house myself. I put all her clothes in her room folded and make sure the fridge and cupboard is full of her favourite things. I cook all her favourite meals and invite her friends over frequently. I'm not some evil SM but I do love a clean bathroom!

Having a clean and sanitised bathroom I agree with. Wiping the chrome and expecting everyone else to do it is seriously over the top. My OH and I are clean freaks - but we don’t do this and I wouldn’t expect my step kids to do it. Did your OH do this before he met you? I doubt it, he does it as it’s probably the easy life.

Everything you write is about how you want things. It sounds really high on control. Not everyone has the same standards as you, you have to let things go (for your own sanity). Somethings just aren’t worth it. If your that bothered about wiping the chrome on the shower - do it yourself. It drives me nuts that my DSC leave their shoes scattered by the door (when there’s a wicker basket to put them in). But you know what.... I don’t want to come across as a nag and i’ve got bigger fish to fry.

Your DH is a twat. He’s passing the buck because he wants an easy life and doesn’t want to actually parent his own child. So he’s expecting you to do it, deal with everything and then wondering why you’re pissed off.

I'd do the chrome wiping yourself. I understand you wanting it done, I follow flylady and like a swish and swipe myself but I think enforcing it on others isn't worth the agro it takes you to do it in 30 seconds after, the same 30 seconds you probably use to sneak in and see if she's done it and get wound up.

DH did not do anything initially - MIL house and ExW houses very similar. But he is now fussy about polishing the chrome as it's in full sun all morning and a pain to polish. He and I used to share the bathroom cleaning before as he worked different hours, but he has reduced his work hours to be a parent, except he isn't parenting. Probably more of my annoyance is aimed at him. DSD gave the chrome bar a wipe for months and then started to forget - it wasn't an effort for her then it became one as she made friends and didn't have a spare 30 seconds because she was on Skype or taking selfies to post.

She is totally settled with us, as I stated before she rarely returns home, but she isn't good at focusing on a task - whatever it is and this is only a small part of that issue.

We all shower, we all leave the bathroom as we found it. She is the only one who has guests upstairs in our house as we have a cloakroom our visitors use, but I can't jump in there every time she comes out as often I'm at work when she showers and so return to bathroom carnage. It's not the biggest, more terrible issue in the world, but it's blooming annoying, and I think totally un-necessary.

Fucking hell. A post that long about polishing chrome? Really?

We're all different - I accept this - but our house, our rules and our ways surely isn't too much to expect?

Yes, we’re all different. Few of us can lose sleep over other people not polishing the chrome. It’s also her house. Is it too much to expect? Yes. Without doubt.

I think it might be worth your having a think through all the things that she does that you'd like her to do differently and picking just two or three that really bother you a lot. If you focus on them, and agree to relax a bit on some of the others you might get a bit further with her.

Would getting a paid cleaner be an option? (you could claim that CB money yourself to pay for it if you want!) We have a cleaner and I find that dirty things bother me much less when I know they'll be cleaned soon without me having to clean them. I know that in an ideal world you'd like you DSD to grow up keeping things clean herself. But sometimes I think you need to accept as a stepparent that there's a lot of things beyond your control. She isn't going to grow up into the same person as she would have been if she'd been your own child. That's ok though - you do your best. So if you look on it more as trying to find some compromises to address the things that you really can't live with, you might make more progress.

We had a teenage DSC move in with us full time during his sixth form years. It was a big change and felt very different from before when he was only with us at weekends. I also found there was quite a lot of parenting he needed - despite being able to fend for himself to a degree. If things were going badly for your DSD while she was with her mum she may need quite a bit of support with studying, uni applications, etc. I would guess that your DSD was cleaner initially because she was more nervous and on her best behaviour. Getting slobbier is probably a sign that she's feeling more at home

I am now working additional hours as using double the amount of petrol I used to do. Occasionally DH will give me a bit towards it, but not regular enough or money that I can rely on.

This is what really struck me in your post OP. So you are doing more cleaning, more laundry, more driving to taxi DSD, cooking larger meals as well as working more just to afford the petrol to taxi your DSD around. And your DH is doing what? Nothing!

I think like with many threads here you have a DH problem not a DSD problem. She is 17 if you ask her again nicely and remind her every month she will wipe the chrome. But as you said you shouldnt have to your DH should. But he won't because he is lazy and would prefer you be bad cop and do all the parenting and extra work for his child.

OP, you need to meet my OH, you could talk about your feelings and feel better! My OH is extremely home proud and consider that cleaning after yourself and making sure the house looks pristine is about pride and makes you feel good inside. He cannot understand that anyone could not want to do the same to feel the way he does when the house is spotless.

Unfortunately, my kids are on the other extreme spectrum. They had little chance as it's in their genes, I come from a family where kids are very messy (but this stops when having own house) and their dad is terrible. I can understand both sides.

What my OH doesn't get is that his ways are very set in routines, things that he has learned to do without thinking because it's his way to do them. Trying to match this is extremely stressful when it is not your own routine. You have to think all the time and do things that wouldn't normally cross your mind. The hardest part is when you do them the way you think they should be done, to be screamed and shouted out because it's not been done the 'right way'.

My OH is stressed because according to him, things are always done badly and he has to go behind us to do it again. My kids and I are stressed because it feels that whatever we do, however hard to try to do it right, he will always considered that it's done wrong. I'm an adult, I want to please him and still I find his behaviour difficult at times. My kids have given up trying to please him.

At the same time, I too get very frustrated by my kids laissez-faire attitude. A perfect example is cleaning a pan, where they'll clean the inside of it but so quickly that there is often still a film of grease left, but worse is that it wouldn't cross their mind to wipe the outside of the pan too.

I get annoyed with things like that, but it last about 5 seconds. I then just clean it and think of something else. My OH however will brew annoyance that can ruin his entire evening. I've tried to explain that it's not worth it, but understandably, he finds it very hard to let it go.

In the end, the one who gets it the hardest is me stuck in the middle. It's hard to find the right balance between telling my kids off for their lack of care in cleaning, cleaning after them because I don't want to constantly stress them and in the scheme of things, it's the only thing about them I can complain about, and trying to support my OH by making sure I do things the way he likes it so that his anxiety doesn't flare up whilst trying to support him in realising that the house won't fall apart if there are a few crumbs on the worktop. It's absolutely exhausting and yes, it's the one reason I do look forward to my kids living home, just so that I can myself relax a bit.

My advice is try to work out with your OH what the best balance is so that no-one feels totally stressed out with the situation, but it's not easy.

swingofthings - I think you are spot on. When my DD's left home the stress of living with them and my DH, with me as the piggie in the middle, went away. We had a blissful few years and probably got selfish and set in our ways.

DH thought that because he'd had many years as a SD being a full time D again would be a walk in the park. When it has proved not to be he's still walking in the park, letting me run the house and take responsibility for his DD. I know her favourite meals, her friends names, what lessons she has each day, whether she has homework. All the mumstuff!!

The chrome pipe is such a tiny part of this whole issue - some of the comments have made me smile. The biggest part of my concerns in my initial post are really around being like a slave without so much as a please or thank you. No offer of help etc. I will go and do a shop in my lunch hour and when I return from work they can both be home but offer no help to bring the bags in. DH will help unpack but DSD will just want to know what's for dinner and what time will it be.

When my DD's were at home DH really wasn't very involved with them. Although strangely he now remembers that differently!! Fortunately because of my job my DP's helped me out, but that was because my DD's were younger, once she could drive my OD would help with her DS.

Wanting to have a lovely home I don't think is a crime. DSD refuses to take her new friends to her old home, I think that speaks volumes when they are always popping round here.

I sounded off because I'd had a bad week of tea mugs left in the sink rather than put into the dishwasher, 3 consecutive days of lifts without a thank you, and a general attitude of pushing limits.

DH didn't set a be home by time until what was always around 10.00 went up to 00.50. He was fast asleep by 9.45 so didn't realise she wasn't home, I drifted off and woke when the key went in the door.
DSD freely admitted she'd come home really late to me, although knocked an hour off the time, but I told DH that he really needed to put a time limit on her. This caused a massive kick-off with her returning at dead on 10.30 each night and then asking if she could go back out.

DH needs to take control of the situation, but I'm unsure that he will. I'm away soon for a week. I hope that he does washing, etc etc as he goes through the week but I fear that he leave everything until the day before I return so undoing all my efforts to teach that a little every day saves a whole Saturday morning of chores.

Thank you everyone for your input. Being a SM is a lovely special thing, but DH needs a boot up the bum I think to not be afraid to confront her. She won't go home, she loves her new life, she's learning to drive and exudes confidence. She probably thinks I'm a nutter as I overuse please and thank you as a prompt to encourage her. If she leaves us a happy, healthy, balanced and polite young lady with a few life skills thrown in I will be a very happy bunny.

Cuckoo, I can so sympathise. I can count on one hand the time DD or DS have offered to bring in the shopping or put things in the cupboard. My kids are so unselfish with their friends and at school (such a shock every time to hear at parents' evening how helpful they are, always putting themselves forward to take on tasks etc...) but when it comes to helping me, that's another matter.

I do think that one of the reason is because I am a strong independent person who gets on with things and they've never seen me differently, so it's probably hard for them to perceive me as a person who needs help.

It is hard to balance things, and I go from getting on with things myself because it's easier (yep, not ideal but living in conflict is stressful), gently remind them over and over and over and over the same things, and losing it and telling them that I won't do things for them any longer. This has extended so far to clothes washing and... yep, cooking! I now only cook once a week and it's amazing how they've managed to pick it up for themselves for the rest of the days. As a matter of fact, my youngest has shown excellent skills!

DD is moving to share accommodation in September when she goes to Uni and I can't wait for her to be nagged by flatmates and she realises that it wasn't me being unreasonable!

I do totally agree that if your SD is not pulling her weight, the default should be your OH picking up the pieces, not you.

From reading through your posts it strikes me that your DH is more the problem than your DSD; it doesn’t sound like he’s picked up any of the extra work of her living with you.
It also sounds to me that your DSD has been neglected at her mums and needs some nurturing care and proper parenting. Because of her experiences at her mums I don’t think you can expect the same of her as you did your DDs at her age as she hasn’t had the care and support your DDs have had. I would picture her as a 13/14 year old and treat her as you did your girls at that age (with more independence though obviously).
I say this kindly, I do think your expectations and level of cleanliness are high but it’s your house and that’s your choice but that concept will be totally alien to her

I work with teenagers. I have a teenager. Your dsd works, is doing A levels, has friends and is generally pleasant enough. She doesn't polish the chrome, put her clothes away unasked, do housework on a Saturday morning, unpack the shopping without a request/ reminder, or clean the bathroom sink. She is 17 and come from what sounds like a disruptive or disrupted home life.

It could be much much worse. Trust me. She is doing just fine. Chill oit about the housework. She's 17, she doesn't care. That's normal.

Talk to your husband about the resentment you (rightly!) Feel towards him for leaving you to do the less fun bit's of parenting his.kid. she's not doing anything wrong but he is!

And the reason people have mentioned the chrome pipes is because you have written so much about it!! Reread your posts. They feature heavily as the thing that bothers you about her! I'm assuming it's not actually that important to you, but it's just something visual that's come to represent everything that is wrong with your new living situation

Enjoy her company, let her off the chores, then she will probably offer to help

People saying let her off the chores - she only has one, to clean the bathroom after using it. It's not like she's being sent up the chimney or down the mines!

I agree it's your DH that's the problem. When it was just the 2 of you did he do anything around the house or just leave it to you?

It sounds like it easier being a non-houseproud step mum for sure!

A 17 year old can stay home alone if they want to. You can't be insisting she attend family events.

Regarding the cleaning...while your giving her a lift to college discuss it with her. Let her know it's easier all round if she set aside time for it and saves you having to remind her dad to tell her. Let her know you appreciate iys probably different than it was at her mum's...but this is how you prefer things.

If she doesn't do it...remind her. I have to remind my teens to do chores.

She needs to appreciate that you take her to school.... cleaning the bathroom on a Rota basis isn't too much to ask.

If she doesn't step up...I'd stop giving her lifts.