Help please! SS and DD hate each other.

[bobisbored]

DH and I have 3 children between us, a son each from previous relationships and a DD together. Boys are 13 and 14, DD is 8. We all live together, SS moved in with us over a year ago after having problems with his mum and step dad. My DS and DD get on well, whereas SS and DD argue constantly. They say things to wind each other up, they snipe at one another all the time. It's really getting me down and I don't know how to make it stop. We've tried talking to them, together and separately. It's so bad I can't even leave them alone in a room together without worrying that there'll be a row. I am so stressed by it all.

A bit more mediating, where you get them both to say:

1. how they'd like to be treated by the other

2. What they want the other to do/not to do

3. What they individually are willing to do to make things better

Get them to sign an agreement and state what the punishment is for breaking the contract

Have individual talks, then get them together to agree and sign it.

It's also worth letting them know how their behaviour towards each other affects the rest of the family.

Your SS is older and really should be a bit more mature about it. I know they're all just kids.

Did they get on before he moved in? Brothers and sisters don't always get along. Is there a trigger, when you ask them why they bicker what do they say. He may feel like an outsider so is picking on the weakest.

Thank you for the replies.

We have had a big chat tonight and they have both promised to try harder to speak nicely to each other and not get into silly arguments. Punishments agreed too.
Bickering can be started by anything from a "look" to an argument about the hottest weather we've ever had (yesterday's pointless shit!).
I do think SS is jealous of DD. He's a bit of a troubled soul and I think not having a good relationship with his mum has an impact on his behaviour towards DD. He had a crap relationship with his other half siblings (mums children). I think he needs a bit of "love bombing". I've spoken to DD about how it must feel for SS not being with his mum. I can only hope things improve soon!

Has your SS got any interests he could involve DD in? My brother is older than me and was into gaming and I used to watch him play/he'd teach me to play with him on some games.

Other than that we really had nothing in common but it was a way for us to spend time together and him not to find it boring with me being younger as it was something he was interested in.

Thanks for your suggestion Leaptoad. He likes Fortnite but it's not really suitable for her age. I could try to find a new game they could play together though, thats a good plan!

Try not to let your insecurities about SS and his troubled relationship with his mother overplay in this scenario.

Conflict resolution is an important part of growing up, and if you engage too often with their bickering, you will be depriving them of key skills.

Siblings very often go through phases of hating each other, it’s natures way of preparing one for adulthood...I used to get actually quite violent towards my younger sister and am a bit ashamed of that, but it’s done our relationship no harm.

As long as both children feel safe in their home, and have a fair adjudicator when things get out of hand, you should just leave them to it.