Has anyone else felt like this?

[chilly32045]

My partner has 2 children from a previous. 5 and 7. I have always got on well with them and enjoyed their company (although they do drive me crazy too).

I am now 7 months pregnant and starting to feel like they are really grinding on my gears. Much prefer our time without them and just find it really stressful when we have them.

I don't know if it's their ages, they are testing us more, back chat etc, or whether it's because i am now pregnant.

Did anybody's relationship change with their step children after own baby?

I hope its just your hormones, but if it isnt, as a mother who has 2 children who go to nrp at w/e's with a sm, of these ages, I hope you deal with it appropriately, either by excusing yourself when they visit or taking time with them to rebuild the bond.

Perhaps its my situation but it seems really unkind as you are just describing typical behaviour. How would you feel if someone said the same about you or your baby?

I've seen lots of posters say the same, and also say that it gets better after the baby arrives and things settle down. It's completely normal, do you have anyone in real life you can talk to, even the midwife about your feelings just to get them out.

Your husband probably isn't the right sounding board for this one.

It's not an issue of excusing myself as i still always make an effort. I am the main organizer of activities, picnics, cinema, play dress up, swimming, cook all their meals. But i just feel fed up in myself, find my stress levels building and look forward to peace and quite at the end of the day.

But i just feel fed up in myself, find my stress levels building and look forward to peace and quite at the end of the day.

I think most actual parents feel that way tbh. I adore my kids but bedtime was often eagerly anticipated.

Oh, back off with the sanctimonious "advice" Mummaganoush, OP hasn't said anything in the slightest bit unkind.

She's noticed she's feeling a certain way and she's checking in. Totally responsible and perfectly human.

OP, I don't have DCs of my own but didn't want to read and run – can you take a bit more "me-time" when your DSCs are over, at the very least for this final couple of months of your pregnancy?

Would your DP be open to you letting him know you need a bit of extra peace and quiet at the moment, and graciously ducking out for a few hours here and there when DSCs are with you?

Op apologies if I came across harshly, I did assume the worst, I had visions of you being terse short and horrid! [Flowers]

Having read your follow up message, you are just a normal mum! Perhaps you should speak with dH as at that stage in pregnancy he should be mindful of how tired you are, and really should be planning entertainments etc, FWIW you sound lovely, my own SM did not do half as much nor be half as mindful!

Thank you @ladybee28. My partner is very understanding and will usually do bath and bed which is nice. I think it just comes from not having that real bond that only parents have. For example when they are being particularly difficult, partner will see that also but he gets over it very quickly and i seem to hold on to it.

I also get annoyed when i plan nice things for them and they are ungrateful/moany. Makes me not want to bother.

Think i just get hot and bothered sometimes.

I had exactly this, DSC were 11 and 9 when DD was born and I went from not being able to wait for them to come at the weekend to not wanting them around at all during late pregnancy and for a little while after DD arrived. I felt horrible about it, couldn't understand why I suddenly felt different about them and really beat myself up over it even though I did everything possible not to let it show.

It did pass and my relationship with DSC doesn't appear to have suffered for it, they're 19 and 21 now and we're closer than ever. Best advice I can give you is ignore it, you're not choosing to feel like this and it's more than likely temporary so just ride it out as best you can. I kept up a front as much as I could and used pg/new baby tiredness as an excuse to get away when I had to, tbh by the time DD was a few weeks old I was grateful enough for someone else coming who would entertain her for bit that any negative feelings soon dissipated

I don't know what causes it and I still feel bad about it but I can see now that I couldn't help it and that I did my best to protect them from it. It will help if you can talk to DH about it, maybe just in terms that you're struggling with energy levels rather than anything too specific, and get him to 'fill the gap' so you can step back a little, it can only be a good thing for them to get extra time and attention with him before the new baby arrives anyway.

I wonder if you’re realising how much of the daily grind you’re already doing and now you’re pregnant and tired you have less energy and are panicking, maybe subconsciously, how you’ll cope with a baby added to the mix.

I’m a SM. It’s not “nice” their father does bath and bed. That’s his job. If you weren’t together he’d be doing it. He’d also have to cook all their meals, play with them and be the only person sorting days out and activities.

I think you’re doing too much. Because you’re a lovely person and a good stepmum and you want his life to be easier and the DC lives to be happy, fun and full.

Do you do everything you’re doing because otherwise it wouldn’t get done?

When you’ve had your baby, he’ll need to step up and do more, he’ll need to support you post birth and juggle two kids and a baby.

You’re being responsible to recognise your feelings and asking for help. If you were mean and horrible you wouldn’t even notice! Sometimes children can be infuriating. Annoying, noisy, grumpy, tiring, they can drive you mad. You’ll no doubt feel the same about your baby at times. They’re not doing it up hurt you though.

It’s diffucult if you’ve been doing loads to step back without worrying the DC will notice and associate it with you being pregnant. But you’re shattered, you can let him make their meals, he’ll cope. You can have a lie and pack them all off for breakfast. That’ll help keep you sane and slowly get their dad to do a bit more which will make things easier when you’re handling a newborn as well.

I adore my DSC. I’d die for them in a heartbeat. But sometimes I need the house to myself for an hour or two after a busy week at work and an early wake up. I don’t ban them from the house but DH will tell them he’s taking them to the park, a car boot sale up the road, the cinema, and they get nice time with just dad and I get a soak in the tub with a book. Keeps the house a happy home where everyone gets what they need!

For a start, you've been doing too much. The difference between a parent taking on parenting roles and a SP is that for one, the parent does it as a sense of duty, so will not have half the same expectation of a return than SP will do. To add to this, parents are much more likely to get a thank you anyway, if there is one, because they have that bond that promotes some element of gratefulness that they don't have with a SP, especially when the relationship is still young and the children are not yet at that age they can appreciate the effort that comes with doing things for them.

You've been too involve in parenting tasks, and now that you know you have your own baby you'll be able to do it all with, there is a sense of detachment that comes with your SC.

It can go either way. Indeed, once the baby comes, the sense of family will take over, you're SC will get involved and it will feel like a nice unit. Or, the opposite can happen. You'll find complete contentment with your new baby and partner, and start to feel that life would be so much happier without your SC, leading to resentment that you'll struggle not to express despite all your efforts, and that could slowly make the kids feel unwelcome and unloved, and in turn wanting nothing to do with you.

You need to talk to someone to get to the bottom as to why you feel like this now and you need to start getting your OH to do more of the tedious tasks of being a parent rather than relying on you to do it.

ps: kids moaning about things you've planned and expect them to be excited about, yep, totally typical and very frustrating. Worse it goes on forever! Still getting the 15yo to go out and all I get it is 'no thank you' as he is happy to stay in his smelly room in perfect weather. But indeed, your kids so you still love them deeply, even when you don't like them much!

Your partner needs to step up, OP. It's crazy that you do the lion's share of the cooking, organising, playing and activities, and yet you're grateful to him for doing bath and bed! You're probably feeling like this because you're knackered and need a break!

I do think that your feelings are normal, and spring from a natural protectiveness towards your unborn baby. As others have said, just do your best to hide them and I think things will get back to normal in a few months when your hormones have settled down.

Why isn't your DP parenting his two children?

I've made a rod for my own back because i do like to do things myself to get the job done properly. Sadly DP is a bit of a man child and i generally take care of everything. He is the "breadwinner" in that we have a lovely home and can afford lovely holidays. So i do feel like i should do a lot in general.

But he literally does nothing around the house!

I actually quit my job in October last year in order to be around more for the kids in the holidays, because he struggles.

Which i really don't mind, to a certain extent, but then fell pregnant the same month (planned). And so feel things have got a lot tougher.

I have spoken to him about it, and he for example has taken them swimming today, doesn't expect me to come every time.

But at the same time like someone else mentioned, i don't want to stop joining in as that will be more obvious to the children and will make things worse?

I am the main organizer of activities, picnics, cinema, play dress up, swimming, cook all their meals.

This may well be part of the reason you are feeling this way. It's a lot of responsibility to always be ensuring someone else's child is constantly entertained. Can DP not organise his own time with them sometimes? I expect you don't realise you need it, but honestly some time not being the organiser could really do you wonders.

I used to feel like this with DSD, always under pressure to ensure she enjoyed Every Minute of her time with us (although for me it was in case she told her mum she didn't like it and her mum might stop contact). When I got pregnant with DS I had Hyperemesis Gravidarum which forced me to stop being around her (and everyone) and DP would take her out of the house as much as possible/organise his own activities and meals. It was such a relief and I do think taking that pressure off improved my relationship with her.

I had these feeling and it was hormones/slight bit of pressure natal depression. They disappeared at 30 weeks and now much happier/calmer.
Have you discussed them with your partner and midwife? It's normal to feel overwhelmed sometimes esp if your run down (morning sickness not sleeping etc). Your other half could take kids out alone and give you a break.

Hi op, I'm pregnant too and it must be the hormones. I have been feeling overwhelmed with everything lately and as a result I feel fed up about anything stepparenting related at the moment.

It is obvious to kids who their parents are and their step parents. Don’t try too hard to be Happy Families. Yes if he’s the breadwinner you will be the main parent of your baby, not his kids. He should only have them when he can parent them, they are his sole responsibility, not yours.

That may sound overly harsh or stark, but if you don’t see that clearly now you’ll end up in a resentful mess. And your step kids will test you, like now, in a way that is a lot harder to deal with as you are not their parent. They will push the boundaries with you more, and the relationship is just way more awkward.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still make an effort, or not make them welcome, but Dad should be taking them out most of the time, Dad should be supervising them, making them breakfast. You are not a surrogate Mum.

I find it strange that people are telling you to do less for your step kids. My husband and his 2 kids moved in with me 12 years ago and since then I have done most things for them; making food, washing clothes, Drs and dentist appts, choosing schools, supervising homework, etc etc! If I didn't do it no one else would. I still had time to have my own kids.
I am not trying to sound saintly. It is harder because if they don't appreciate something, you feel that lack of appreciation more acutely. I recommend the book "the step parent parachute". It teaches you to think what you do, you do for your DH. (Who is perhaps more likely to say thank you!) this really did take the pressure off my relationship with the kids & stop me feeling resentful.
It is hard but ultimately you get out what you put in. I love my step kids so much and I know that looking back they appreciate the childhood I gave them :) which is a very nice feeling.
When you are pregnant with your first you want everything to be so special and perfect. But life is a compromise; it could be step kids needs, or having to go back to work, or being unwell; you maybe can't give the baby 100% your attention but life isn't really like that anyway.

That is absolutely your choice kitty1013 but I'd consider it pretty concerning that if you weren't doing it, it wouldn't happen.

Why exactly can't your husband cook, clean, choose their schools or do their homework with them? Assuming he's able bodied and manages to hold down a job, why can't he do basic care of the children he's responsible for? I don't the details of your set up, but one of the reasons I respect and love my husband is what a capable, resourceful person and parent he is. Not sure how I'd feel if he left the entirety of parenting of his kids up to me or anyone else.

You don't sound saintly, unless there's loads you're not saying, you sound a bit like a doormat.

It is hard but ultimately you get out what you put in

I consider myself very lucky with my DSC but spend any time on here and you'll see this comment is sadly completely untrue for a lot of people who are running themselves ragged trying to be great stepparents and for any number of reasons have it thrown back in their faces.

You sound lovely but I agree you're doing too much. You aren't his employee, there to look after the house and kids, although it sounds a bit like you have slipped into this role. If he and you are comfortably off he can outsource some of the things you do, like cleaning, or playschemes in holidays. With a newborn it'll help to cut yourself as much slack as possible. You need to focus on yourself and your pregnancy and yes your own child, and he needs to focus on what you need too for once! Mums have to be a bit selfish at times for our own sanity and as others have pointed out they are his kids. Getting a couple of hours "off duty" isn't good enough. If he can't spare more time at a weekend then he needs to pay someone to provide childcare. I know that sounds nuts when you've been happy enough to pitch in and parent but it does sound like you are being taken for granted. Draw a line and put your needs first!

He might be the main breadwinner but he is also living in a house where he generates work - food to be bought, cooked and eaten, washing/ironing, tidying up, cleaning etc.

Maybe point out to him that from now on things will have to change. Yes, you are going to be at home but new babies CAN take up an awful lot of time if they have colic or reflux and it's not just sitting about watching TV all day. He is going to have to get up off his arse and start helping.

I don't think this is to do with how you feel about the kids, I think you are probably very tired, not sleeping particularly well (and that will get worse as it's hot and you will get bigger and the baby will kick you in the bladder all fucking night). So yeah, start making it clear that you aren't going to be able to maintain everything on your own.

As for feeling irritated with the kids by the end of the day - totally normal. Ask any parent. I've had days where by 9am I've been mentally working out how many hours it is till they go to bed.

I also get annoyed when i plan nice things for them and they are ungrateful/moany. Makes me not want to bother.

me bloody well too both with my own DCs and DSDs. You're pregnant and looking after kids that aren't yours, get those feet up my love. I doubt they'll notice you ducking out and i they do say that you're knackered because growing a baby is tiring. They'll understand that. x

I don’t have kids of my own and i’m not pregnant, so can’t relate fully, but I do know how you feel.

We’ve currently got the kids (12 & 9) for a week. It’s day 3 and i’ve decided to disengage for the day for my own sanity.

Yesterday morning not even a hello from them, I did a 10 hour day in work, had a 2 hour commute on-top. OH had said he was cooking dinner (he’s off work with them). Walked through the door at 8pm starving (after the 3 of them had had a day together) to be told.... oh I haven’t cooked as we ate late. Got ignored by 12 year old SD. Who couldn’t even look up from the TV. Let alone offer to help me with anything.

This morning as I left home at 6:45 to come to work and I said hello to her, she again ignored me.

So today i’m disengaging. They’ll be no cooking, cleaning, shopping, dinners cooked, my money spent on them, activities organised......

I know I have a OH problem. But a bit of recognition and manners shown in your own home (my home by the way) would be nice?

Rant over....

OP I feel your pain.....

I agree with others that it sounds like you're doing too much. Your partner sounds like quite a lazy dad.

It's also a bit worrying that you quit your job to look after your partner's kids for him. As you're not married you need to think about what protection is in place for you if something unexpected happens (divorce, death). You could end up very badly off.