Meeting OH's kids for the first time

[justwishiwasnormal]

So tomorrow I'm meeting my OH's kids for the first time!! I'm super nervous!! They are 11 and 13 (girls). My OH and their Mum have been separated for 5 years and My OH has never been in a serious relationship since their Mum so they haven't ever been introduced to anyone. They are really close to him. I'm really nervous and feel completely out of my comfort zone and have no idea what to say!! He's decided to keep it casual and I'm just 'popping round' to pick something up so won't be too intense but nethertheless I'm feeling nervous!! Any tips anyone?

I would treat it as you would meeting any new person. Be relaxed and friendly but don't try too hard. I would avoid being too touchy with their dad to begin with as they may see him as his property and feel jealous. A lot will depend on how their dad and mum has prepared them for meeting you and hopefully it will be fine. I am lucky to have a great relationship with my step children but it hasn't always been easy and takes time.

Don’t try to hard and just be nice to them.

Yes, don't be nervous! If you're nervous, you can be sure they will pick up on it, and if they do, they could interpret it as them needing to be on the defensive as they might feel you your nervousness is the expression of you having too high expectations/wanting too much.

Just be yourself and more importantly, don't have any expectations. First meetings sometimes go great, and then it goes down hill from then on. Sometimes it is exactly the opposite, first meeting go badly but turn into wonderful relationship. This is with anyone.

They will need to learn to appreciate you for who you really are just as you'd have to learn to accept them as they are, so the most important thing is for everyone to try to be as much as possible just themselves. Good luck.

My dd is the same age and her father has introduced her to a lot of women. She hates it when they kiss or hug her when they don't know her, they treat the house like it's theirs and ask her if she wants something when dd feels the new gf is the guest, there is a lot of pda going on. Other than that, she just wants them to be nice and not ask endless questions!

Keep it short for he first time I.e go out to lunch or something and slowly build up. Too much too soon can be overwhelming to the dc'dren.

Thanks everyone. Yes I guessed there should be no PDA's and given their ages I thought questions about school interests etc would be too much. I find it really strange as I already know so much about them given that I've been with there dad for a year. I was thinking the same about the Home. That although I've been a lot and am comfortable there, I probably shouldn't act this way to them and act more like a guest in their home xx

Don’t expect too much, take some brownies or chocolate, and don’t stay too long. Next time go somewhere that’s not their turf. Make sure you always give them loads of dad and them time. Don’t try and be mum in any way.

Thanks beaverhausen but I think going out for lunch is too intense as you are forced to interact. I'm going over there house so at least they can choose how much they want to interact as they can go up to their rooms when they like (which is where they spend a lot of time which is typical for their age) x

Take it at their pace and follow dads lead. Good luck x

You sound lovely and very respectful of them and the situation, OP. And well done for not rushing in months ago. Good luck!

I hope it's going well @justwishiwasnormal I was really nervous when I met my dsd for the first time, keep it casual and definitely take DPs lead. You'll be fine

So it went fine. I stayed for about an hour and half and we just sat in the garden. The kids sat with us for a bit and played amongst themselves for a bit. I'm not sure I agree with how dp approached it though. Until I walked in they didn't know I even existed, so now they have to make sense of who this random person is and what role am i in their dads life as (although I'm sure they do know as they aren't daft) given I haven't been introduced as 'dad's girlfriend' as given they didn't know he had one that wouldn't have been right!! I think I would have started to mention my name occasionally this week, then have me pop round today, but let them know I was coming to give them time to make sense of a woman in their dad's life before they met me but it's down to dp as he knows them best!! Since I left the only mention of me was to ask my name again so we will see if anything else is said tonight or tomorrow.

Hi @justwishiwasnormal - my advice would be to talk to your dp about this straight away. My exh did similar - introduced his partner after about 8 months as dad's friend who just happened to be in the neighborhood & decided to pop in. Kids weren't fooled for one minute and it led to all sorts of aggro as they realized they had been and were being 'lied' to.
Also a friend's exh did similar & my friend had to deal with her kids coming home & breaking into floods of tears with her over dad's 'friend' - my friends exh hadn't bothered to give her a heads up that he was going to be introducing the kids to someone & she was totally caught on the hop trying to comfort the kids when she didn't really know what the whole story was.
Just be careful 💐

The meeting the new GF / BF doesn’t have to be big thing and I don’t think you need to inform the ex partner.

I met my OH’s kids when we had been together for 9 months (kids were 6 & 9). I was introduced as daddy’s friend. EW wasn’t ‘informed’.

The mum in the other hand recently introduced a new man to the kids. The son now aged 9 said to me.... I think mummy has a new boyfriend, she had a sleepover and a strange man came out of her bedroom in his underpants. Not the way to do it!

What I meant @NorthernSpirit is that all situations & kids are different & have to be read as such.
My friends kids were really cut up about their parents splitting & took their dad having a gf very badly - in that instance my friend felt she could have supported them better if she'd been informed by her ex that he was planning to do this.
In my own case the kids weren't fooled for a minute by exh's relationship status and were upset as they felt it was yet another instance of their dad lying to them after a long & protracted string of lies.
I would just feel that if the OH has any worries about how things may have been interpreted by the kids or her dp's handling of the situation she should chat to him about it as she could get caught in any potential fall out.

He doesn't have the sort of relationship with the kids Mum to speak with her about it and he is a very private person so I know that he would not do this. I do have some worries about this but a pp has given an example as to how this way worked fine so there are arguments either way. I don't know his kids so I don't think it's for me to tell him how to do it. He really doesn't want to make a big deal and for the youngest especially I probably agree that that's not right. I suggested that I come round a few more times then maybe for us to has a day out so we will see how things go from here. He had that all day Sunday and they never mentioned me again which I think is strange. He said he is surprised at that but then also did have a really busy day Sunday. I wonder if they are sitting on it to see what happens next x

Maybe they talked about it afterwards. Maybe it was easier to do so after they had met you so they could put a face to the name.

In the end, I don't think it matters as long as they welcome you in such a way that you don't feel they wish you didn't exist.

Personally, I wouldn't push the 'day out together' any time soon unless they suggest it. Days out can be seen as very special moments between the children and parent and having someone intrude on that time could breed resentment, especially as your OH will feel under pressure to give you attention too so you don't feel excluded.

Hi @justwishiwasnormal & also @NorthernSpirit - didn't mean to come across as finger wagging in my posts 😊. It's just that as a mother of 3 (now aged 21, 16 & 12) who were 16, 11 & 7 when exh introduced his partner I would be very surprised if they bought the dad's friend line, & I also think them not mentioning you afterwards is a red flag. I know kids are different but there's no way my dd would have accepted dp as my friend when I introduced them 2 years ago when she was 10, and also she would have been full of questions - same with my boys.
The reason I would urge you to be cautious is there's a very good chance at their ages they won't believe/accept the friendship explanation & if they are not discussing you/the situation with their dad they could very well be discussing it with their mum - it's what mine did.
I understand that you don't want to tell him what to do, just mind yourself in this as pre teen & teen girls can be very tricky esp. when it comes to their dads. They're not young kids who will just blindly accept their parents explanations of things.
Just another angle on things from someone with older kids who has been there, done that!
Good luck with it all .

Ouch that’s awkward. He really needs to tell them you are his girlfriend. And then answer any questions they might have. They will definitely have discussed this with their Mum!

Glad it’s initially gone well though. It really does take time. Don’t try too hard! And don’t worry if you don’t get positive reactions either. It’s totally usual for some kids to be put out. Just steer a steady course, no drama, no big fun days yet, just gently be around and be respectful.

No I don't think that either of us for one minute think they will buy the 'friend' line. He hasn't actually said that I'm 'friend', just my name so he's (rightly or wrongly) left it to them for interpretation. I too didn't think a day out next was the best idea so that won't be for a little while yet..., and once they are comfortable with me there is the whole new minefield of introducing my son to them!!

I was wondering if they might mention it to their Mum. I don't think she would contact him though as I think she will see it as being none of her business.