How should we deal with this.

[Louw12345]

I only have girls so it's all new to me. My partners son he's 4 always touches my daughters bum.
She always tells him not to loads of times his dad or I have to step in and that's when he listens.
He gets very excited and thinks it's funny, but my daughter who is 8 doesn't like it. She says that he doesn't listen and it upsets her when he touches/ smacks her bum.
Has anyone been through anything similar and is there advice on how to deal with it.

I have boys and they didn’t do this.

You and his dad need to take a from line on this. (With all the children) the rule in our house isn’t that you never touch anyone without their permission. He’s probably doing it because bums are tee hee funny and he is getting a Reaction from everyone. But he has been told enough times and is still doing it so it’s time for consequences. It’s really not ok to touch people against their will and this message needs to start when they are tiny children. His dad needs to take this seriously. Equip your daughters with some assertive statements so they feel confident telling him and anyone else in no uncertain terms that their touch is unwelcome and they will Be informing an adult.

From= firm

Isn’t=is

What is currently the consequences when he does it? Same as if he was hitting or spitting or climbing - he's been told not to, he keeps doing it, he doesn't stop until an adult steps in. Then what? He needs a "punishment" for not doing what he's repeatedly told not to do else he'll keep doing it

I asked my partner to watch a few super nannies with me so can try and get on the same level of partnering. It's punishment where we clash coz I'm strict he says. But I think he's passive.

My children have had that chat about my body your body etc and I think this is why my daughter feels this way.

Yes this is it sleeping standing up I am more strict I would of had him on the step each time but dad isn't like that. All kids are clever they know how to work their parents and he thinks when he tells him off and his son says OK sorry daddy it's all OK. But I know feel that's a way to get dad of his back.

I don't know if this information helps but I'm going to share it with anyway. We went on hoilday afew weeks ago and his daughter puller her knickers down pushing her bump in my dughters face as doing so she was giggling. I told her not to do that and put her bum away but it wasn't until her dad really shouted (4th time asking) she pulled her pants up. It was still funny to her though she's 6.
Also she would use words like do I look sexy with this make up and how sexy do I look in my dress. To which I always replied with the word beautiful. My kids asked me why is she using the word sexy, I said I didn't know but it isn't a word a child should be using.
We was in the room on night making the bed cravan. And I asked them to move to the side so I could get to the bottom on the bed his daughter moved her hands over my daughters body but not touching her and said you stay there sexy lady.
To me it's strange behaviour or something that I don't expect from a child. But again I'm unsure how my partner should deal with it. They are at the age where paranting if important but them also if mum expects it how doe's dad deal with it. Again it's harder as it involves my kids but I'm not allowed to get involved with his kids (ex says) so anything brought up to her she kicks off saying it me

Well I'd be curious about what they're seeing when with mom but it could also be innocent inappropriate rather than SS inappropriate iyswim

Their behaviour sounds very inappropriate. Do they live with their dad full time? I'd be worried that they're mimicking something they've seen at their mum's, perhaps something on TV?

I'd actually be really concerned about bringing my own children into this mix, OP - this does sound strangely inappropriate behaviour in terms of sexualised behaviour and not respecting others' boundaries (and I say that as someone whose kids know the facts of life, names for body parts, are usual in their levels of fiddling with their bits, etc!). There's something about this doesn't sit quite right.

I don't think it's on for your DP to be passive about it when it's having an impact on your kids. I think you need to think carefully about whether you're happy to let this behaviour carry on with your kids.

They live with their mum full time. I'm unsure what they see or hear when they are with her but there has been a lot of things that happen when at my house that I worry about they have possibly seen at home. Thing is these kids aren't allowed to tell dad anything about at home. I asked what time they normally go to bed and son said 7.30 and daughter said *** we aren't allowed to talk about home.

poor kids. OP, if they live with their mum full time, I'd suggest letting them have time just with their dad when they visit, while you take your DC off somewhere, if that's at all possible.

JeanMichelBisquiat this is why I am asking for advice on how to approach the situation. I do feel they act in a very sexualised way my 15 year old even comments on it. But it's getting their dad to understand that to

Honestly, from your description I don't think that's on you to worry about - his parenting doesn't sound very proactive, which is a shame for his DC as things sound a bit of a mess for them, but if they're not living with you, not your problem. Your priority, in my opinion, should be to protect your own DC from this behaviour by not putting them in contact with his DC.

Yes they have time with just their dad as has them at his house a lot and mine also see their dad when my partners are here. It's more night time these things happen.

So are you saying your partner has his own separate house, OP? I'd be saying I just wanted them to visit him there and not at yours, then. Seriously - if it's bad enough for a 16 year old to clock it, you need to separate it from your DC, I think.

You mention lots of other incidents that have made you wonder what they're seeing at mum's. Like what?

Yes totally, but they will never learn if they aren't taught to? My other concern i's that they have beds here etc I have told them this is their home so if i stop them coming completely wouldn't that be wrong to? I'm that type of person that wants to help everyone which does me no favors. But I do feel for the kids. I know it's not my place to teach them but sometimes you can't help but wonder if u don't who will.

My partner lives with his mum but sometimes them being there isn't good as grandparents take over and give it I suppose it's natural for some.

Onetime my daughter was lay on the floor his son sat on her buncing up and down normal play next thing my daughter was saying get off me I looked over and he had his private area over her face , not sat up right but was leaning on the floor if you get me but moving his bum up and down. This was 2 second time they had been here. It took a few times again for him to get off her, it was when I got up he moved off her.

Iv checked on them in the night to find his son had got in my daughters bed. We don't share beds never had because that is our own space, they where told a lot about this as they always wanted to play in the beds which is something else we dont do. But that might just be me.

Kissing, like his son would kiss my daughter he holds of her tightly and gos for the lips even though she's moving her head.
It might be something of nothing they might just be like that at home and school to but when my kids say no they don't listen and that is what worry's me.

But then I don't know if I'm like this because my 13 had an incidence in school in year 6, so sometimes I'm thinking I'm over thinking but then I'm thinking no its not right behaviour.

When I have spoke with my partner recently about the holiday iuses his reply was I won't bring them then. He said they are young and young minded (my youngest is 6 his eldest is 6) not like my kids etc etc. But I said they kids are at a very valuable age they need to be taught right from wrong if they aren't taught at this age you will have no chance when they are older. But this is when he said I'm a strict parent.

This weekend he didn't touch my daughter's bum he touched his sisters bum and she slapped him. This happened on 3 different times. I asked her why the 2nds time (dad sorted the first time) she said was smacking him and if she was OK and she said he keeps touching my bum and I don't want him to. So I said to her OK next time please can you come and tell me or dad and we will tell him off coz if you keep smacking him and he crys your more than likely going to get told off coz you smacked him. She said OK. I spoke to the son and said that that he should not be touching anyones bum he said OK (I feel like I have to be careful when telling them off) next thing he's crying again coz he got another smack of his sister. Left it to dad to sort out

Your DP shouldn't shout at them when they show this sort of behaviour, he should take them aside and explain why it isn't appropriate and not pleasant for others. They are expressing quite sexualise behaviour. Even though some kids do show such behaviour and it is no concern as it goes away, I would think your OH should keep an eye on it.

Telling them off is only confirming that it is provoking behaviour rather than innapropriate.

swingofthings thank you he doesn't normally shout though, I think that was because she was asked a number of times not to do it by him and my daughter. He tells him in his normal voice not to do something and there is never an explanation though so maybe he could start doing that to. He said on holiday he only sees his kids very weekend there's nothing he can do to change their behaviour but I believe he can especially when they are with him. As my kids at home are different when they are at their dad's because there are no rules there. But they know they are not allow to act like that at home. (Like going to bed with their ipad's and staying up till 3 in the morning. Sleeping till 2 in the afternoon, running around the house screaming, not tidying up after themselves etc).

OP, this behaviour sounds beyond normal exploration and more like copying of adult content/behaviour they've seen. A kiss on the lips, OK, but not holding someone's head when they're trying to move away. And basically dry humping another child who's asked him to stop?

I understand you have your DP's kids' best interests at heart, but it's your own kids you need to be thinking about. Your 8 year old should not have been put in the position where this happened more than once to her. She really shouldn't.

If his son is acting like this at school, it might actual trigger a safeguarding query. It sounds way more sexualised than a bit of fiddling with himself or whatever.

It hasn't been the same child. I have 3 younger ones. I totally understand my children come first believe me this is something I have brought up with my partner as and when things have happened.

Things go ok then something else happen's. My partner recivces no information regarding their schooling his ex keeps all information to herself. Probably taken off his contact details and said he's not around. She has them off school with her mum while she go's to work. But that's non of my business.
They don't communicate unless it's on her terms, which is very difficult when it comes to the kids cos she isn't one to attcept they do wrong.
I have spoken to him and said that it's important he takes this behaviour serious and look into ways to explain to the kids that it isn't aceptable. Thank you for your advice. I will leave him it with him

Oddly sexualised behaviour. If this were happening in schools, safeguarding flags would be raised. I hope you can get to the bottom of this. Difficult if you're not allowed to be involved by your partner's ex.

The sexy lady comment and hand gestures, almost like being photographed, is particularly concerning coming from a 6 year old. It's an unusually mature role play.

The I thought something would of been flagged up regarding their attendance by now but nothing as of yet. School know she has a mental health disorder so maybe they feel for her and try not to put too much pressure on her.

His daughter said on holiday she wanted to marry her mums boyfriend which I found strange. She also said when she was on hoilda with her mum a little boy wanted to dance with her and she thought "why not go for it' just not words a child would say.

I will talk with my partner again and maybe get him to talk to his mum as well, she has contact with ex more than my partner she may be able to mention it without world war 3 starting.

All your advice is welcomed and thank you for taking the time to give the advice. I see now it's a lot more than being over excited. I have mates at uni doing child behaviour course. I will see what they say and maybe see the best way my partner can deal with the situation when he has them

I think at the least I would ring nspcc for advice, or more likely speak to safeguarding lead at school. Something inappropriate is going on, at worst the children are at risk, or being groomed