Am I wasting my time?

[rhubarbcrumble10]

I have a partner of almost 2 years. We officially live together but currently we are living separately after he wouldn't pull his weight around the home. He has been told he can come home but he's too immature to be able to leave the mollycoddled lifestyle his step mother provides for him.

He has a child from a previous relationship which has been an absolute nightmare for him to be able to take the child out without the mothers supervision. But he's finally got there. There is also another child which isn't his but he takes them both. I am childless.

He is now living two separate lives. One with me when it suits and I "fit in". One with his child and his family.

The child has nothing to do with me and I've been told I'm not to attend family occasions and events as he's worried his ex will find out. I've previously been able to attend such events until he was allowed to take the child out.

I currently can't even get my boyfriend to spend time with me, considering he's supposed to live with me, it shouldn't be that difficult. His whole life revolves around taking the child out everywhere and any time that we had before has now been taken away. (I don't mean for that to sound as jealous as it does.) I would just like to be included in all of this, but he's too busy trying to please his ex and whilst I'm getting hurt and pushed away.

Am I wasting my time here? Anyone with similar stories? Thanks!

Absobloodylutely you are!!
Nothing more to be said!

Sounds like you're in a relationship with both him and his ex seeing as she’s calling all the shots.
If he’s not willing to prioritise you two years in then I doubt he ever will. People who allow their past to dictate the present are never going to be able to fully commit to a new relationship.

Kids come first is always his answer. I don't deny that but when you have someone willing to be a part of it why would you throw that away because you're scared of upsetting your ex.

Rhubarb I think you're looking at this the wrong way around. It's not about, why wouldn't he want you as part & parcel of his whole life, it's about why would you want to be part of someone's life, who obviously doesn't value you enough!

He's not that into you

That is very true. I end up trying to condone his actions for some strange reason.

There is no reason to condone his behaviour, what you want from this relationship is very unlikely to happen! Sorry but, I really feel you'd be better ending it, and finding someone who is proud to have you as part of his family and life. That'll be hard I know, but you're not doing yourself any favours, staying in this 'shadow relationship'!

He wants a girlfriend, not a partner.

Why wouldn’t he want it? Because it suits him. He’s having the best of both worlds, keeping in with his Ex and kids, but fun and affection and love from you. He doesn’t have to commit to anyone, none of the ‘harder’ parts of a relationship.

So there’s no reason for him to change. Of course it’s selfish.

Only you can change this by refusing to take crumbs.

It doesn’t sound good; does the child’s Mum not know about you? Has he given you a time scale for when you’ll be involved?
I can understand his worries as he won’t want to rock the boat but there needs to be a plan if you’re going to stay together but it sounds like there’s more issues than just this.
Also if you’re in a long term relationship it should be something you’re sitting down and working out together and agreeing between you

Thank you to everyone that replied.

I've just found out today that he told his ex that we had split up and were no longer hence why I'm to have nothing to do with it all! So angry right now! 🤬🤬😢😢

Well there you go, no more to be said!

Well I assume the ex doesn’t want you around as he told her tht your not together so even if you ‘get back together’ your relationship doesn’t seem solid and I wouldn’t want an on/off again partner meeting my kids. It doesn’t sound like your in a serious relationship.

Definetly wasting your time. End it officially and find a real man. He sounds like an immature little boy.

You deserve better.