Children sometimes say very unkind things. He was 3 when you got together. I can’t imagine feeling disrespected by a toddler. 7 is still quite little. If his dad lets him behave in a rude way to you he’s going to continue to do so. It’s not okay but you can see where he’s coming from. Children need clear boundaries and he doesn’t have any with regard to you. It’s not your fault. It’s not his fault. You have a right to have everyone in your home treat you with courtesy.
Do you have anything in common with your stepson? There must be some nice things about him.
Your problem, as so often, is your husband. He needs to be responsible for liaising with his ex and to shield you from any hassle with her if it causes you a lot of stress. He needs to parent his son and if you’re finding things difficult then he needs to listen to you and let you discuss things calmly and find ways to make them easier between you.
Blending families is often tricky but after 4 years you should have found your rhythm. A husband who’s unfair to your son, overlooks difficult behaviour in his own son and gets angry with you for voicing your concerns is awful and is going to make you very unhappy over time. If you’re not there already.
There are ways of bringing things up calmly, are you choosing what you raise with him and the language you use so he’s most likely to listen without feeling attacked? It’s not your fault at all that he’s acting angrily, that’s not okay. But you’re obviously very stressed and it can be hard to zone in on specific things that can be fixed rather than ranting in a rage about everything.
By tuna I mean if you say “I was thinking about SS, I know he loves spending time with you on his own, how about the two of you have a weekend away?” Vs “Jesus Christ I hate your son, he’s a nightmare, if he’s here again this weekend I’m going to lose my shit, make sure he’s not”.
I hope that makes sense.