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Step-parenting

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Any other childless step mums out there?

24 replies

Nonmotherof3 · 25/04/2018 22:45

Just wondering....

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
NorthernSpirit · 25/04/2018 22:48

Yep....

RoseBud89 · 25/04/2018 22:53

I was, but now have DD who's 14 months.

Are you ok? X

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/04/2018 23:16

Yep. What’s up OP?

Dobbyy · 26/04/2018 04:02

I used to be... not anymore.

Are you ok?

Nonmotherof3 · 26/04/2018 06:36

Yes, I'm ok! Just feel like I'm the only one in the world. It's a minefield!

Have 3 unofficial stepkids (I'm not married to their dad) who live with us f/t. Mum is a nightmare although I try to maintain good communications with her.

How do you all cope? Emotionally? Financially (their mum doesn't pay a penny) etc?

OP posts:
SciFiG33k · 26/04/2018 06:53

I'm in this boat too.

I cope by making sure I have time out at the gym and with my family and friends. But I have more of a DH and his ex problem. DSD is lovely. Mumsnet is also saved my sanity.

Nonmotherof3 · 26/04/2018 09:34

The kids are great. It's the other stresses....his ex being one of them but constantly being reminded I'm not their mother and yet working full time and acting like their mother in terms of management of children emotionally and logistically!

OP posts:
MillieMoon94 · 26/04/2018 09:47

Do the kids like you appreciate what you do? And do you get support from your DH?
My own mum died when I was 2 and I met my dad’s new girlfriend when I was 4. She was fantastic and everything a mum should be. She adopted me when I was 8 and is now married with 3 kids of her own with my dad. Anyway I just wanted to say that I have a huge amount of respect for you OP and know that what you’re doing isn’t always easy xx

Spanglyprincess1 · 26/04/2018 21:22

I am though currently pregnant!
Honestly it's hard but try and make sure you get you time and their father get just them and him time as important.
I think everyone struggles but the high point for me is stuff like when the eldest walked past and stelth hugged me by suprise (mumbled love you). Was so emotional I wept (hormones).
You are defo not alone :)

ultrababy · 26/04/2018 21:26

Full time step-mum to three children here. I have none of my own. Their mother died about 10 years ago so different set of problems to you I guess.

Nonmotherof3 · 26/04/2018 22:16

They were removed from their mother abruptly after a long string of awful boyfriend choices and drug choices.

They arrived with 5hrs notice a big solicitors bill and no plan other than to keep them loved and safe.

I absolutely adore them. It is however the hardest thing (emotionally and physically and just everything) I've ever done. I don't know how my boyfriend and I have survived but what we are doing has never been questioned and always felt entirely right in my soul (I sound like a hippie)

I do feel that I don't know what my role is though as they have a mother (however awful) who I constantly have to be positive about (we even send letters and gift packages, mothers day was a bit of a killer but they have no clue what she is like as have been very sheltered from it) she insists on calling daily and criticising me, how I treat them ....you treat them as your own being her primary line. I don't point out it would probably be worse that I treat them as space invaders and with resentment and or treat them like she did and hang out in crack dens, because that's just not mature on my part, so I smile and grin and bare it.

I think the hardest thing is thay I will never be their mum, But do the job....I think. I also don't really want , if I'm honest, to have my own. I'm in my mid thirties this is such hard work, now is not the right time to throw a newborn into the mix, and I don't want to have a baby in my late thirties. I also never want to change a nappy again 😂

It's all so weird. I thought if I ever had kids they would be mine, and I would have a family who were perfectly in tune, like the modern day Von Trapps, although wearing Boden and the White Company instead of curtains. Now I'm just thankful it's still raining so the h&m t shirt is in the tumble and looks like it has been ironed once, and the kids and I and my OH leave the house at the same time and without any tears tantrums or toilet incidents. 😆

OP posts:
ultrababy · 26/04/2018 22:20

You are not alone. I have taken on the role of parent but will never be their mum. I thought I wanted my own but now accept the dynamic just wouldn't work.
Do I love it? At times.
Would I do it again? Never.

Nonmotherof3 · 26/04/2018 22:27

Ultrababy if I know what I know now I'd run for the hills. I've been puked and peed on, had my dinners spat out, had to deal with the emotional fall out (they still believe mum is best thing ever, but have watched her inject heroin)

I'd run. Fast.

And I'm so happy I'm not the only one!!!

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ultrababy · 26/04/2018 22:32

It's a roller coaster isn't it? I love them all to pieces. So protective and want nothing but the best for them. I do everything for them but I'm left with the reality they're not mine.
I came into their lives later than you. They had already made their new unit after their mum died and then I arrived.
We have all muddled along and I think they prefer life with me in it, but ultimately a poor second choice.

NorthernSpirit · 26/04/2018 22:43

I just wanted to say I think you are a wounderful person for taking these kids on. I hope one day the kids realise that and you get the thanks you deserve.

miaow29 · 26/04/2018 23:22

It's really good to read this thread. I've been searching for somewhere to find support as I feel so alone sometimes. I'm a new step parent to 2 teenagers who lost Mum when they were very young. Kids are generally great but there's so much emotional stuff for me entwined with not being their real parent but feeling the weight of the responsibility of it.
I have no friends who are step parents so I don't know who to turn to for real advice and understanding.

Nonmotherof3 · 26/04/2018 23:33

Thank you NorthernSpirit xxx

It's hugely emotional and I am forever wondering if I am doing the right thing by them....you question your judgement more when they aren't yours I think

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Bosabosa · 26/04/2018 23:34

What brilliant women you guys are.
Tough tough tough though.
I salute you.

Americantan · 26/04/2018 23:37

Are you doing the right thing for you OP? Flowers

ultrababy · 27/04/2018 06:19

Oh gosh yes the guilt. Constantly wondering if you're doing the right thing. Also wondering if you are doing it the way their mum would have wanted.
Not feeling left out when they talk about the past which didn't include you.
It's so hard, but I love being part of this family. They totally take me for granted and I take that as a sign that I'm just part of the furniture now and must be doing something right.
I'm also the path of least resistance. If they want something (within reason)they ask me. I never say no Smile

BasilFaulty · 28/04/2018 19:11

I'm here too OP!

We all just have to keep doing what we can for the best of the children and remembering whatever the situation - they didn't ask for any of this.

That said, I echo others comments about having your own time and getting the thanks and appreciation from the DH you deserve.

We've got the kids this weekend and I've only just rolled in from a night out last night and dying on my mates sofa all day He's not mentioned anything as he knows ultimately they are his children.

Remember - if he was single he'd be doing it all by himself so try and view everything you do as a bonus, not an obligation. That helps me when I feel things are getting a bit much and I need to disengage.

Charlottejade89 · 01/05/2018 13:29

I am (unofficially) step mum to my partners 3 children. I do t have any of my own although I'm currently pregnant with our first together. Dp two eldest are 15 and 16 and you get is 8. I do find it hard sometimes but his ex is fine with me as the kids like me and that's all that matters. I do feel self conscious though sometimes as my partner was with another woman between his ex and me for a few years who had kids too and the kids all got on really well together I feel sometimes like they compare how our relationship and home is compared to how it was when they were together.

CurlyRover · 01/05/2018 15:55

Unofficial stepmum to a 6 year old DSD. We don't have her full time though. Every other weekend and lots of the holidays.

The relationship between us all is getting better as time goes on. His ex is becoming more reasonable and more responsive to the needs of her daughter. I'm bonding more with DSD too which is good.

It's bloody hard though sometimes. I don't have much experience of little ones and often question if behavioural issues that crop up are normal 6 year old behaviour or if she's acting out because of the step relationship iyswim. I also sometimes struggle with the lack of freedom we have due to DSD. I'm mid twenties and never thought my weekends and annual leave would revolve around kid things just yet but at the same time I love her and love DP so am learning to take the good with the bad.

I'd love to have DC with DP and think DSD would make a fantastic older sister.

Well done on taking them on full time. It's tough isn't it.

Musicalstatues · 03/05/2018 16:57

This site is a great support for childless stepmums.

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