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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step grandparents and favouritism.

66 replies

malificent7 · 17/04/2018 09:16

I completely understand that dls mum loves her own grandchild (dps dd) more than mine. It wasn't her fault that her son got a divorce as his ex cheated etc.
She has been good to me despite a bumpy first meeting and has also been good to dd.
I don't expect her to take on my dd as her granchild however she does display favouritism occasionally.
It used to be worse when she used to shop for her dgdd in front of dd...now that has stopped.
She will get them bith gifts but her dgc will get something slightly better or a bit extra on the side. She has started to do this more discreetly .

I guess i wouldn't have a problem with but dd (9) gets upset . I understand this. Ive tried to explain that biological grandparents feel differently than step grandparents. I know it too but it still kind of stings..
Dd lost her nan but does have a lovely granpy...
I guess what im saying is being a step grandparent is hard and so is being s steo grandchild...hiw to forge better relations ?

I have suggested to dp that he takes his dd to his mum's without dd and i being there so she can spoil her rotten without offending dd.

I sometimes feel that we are in the way a bit of that bond.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

TooSassy · 18/04/2018 18:56

My DC’s don’t have a step grandmother as I’m not married to my DP. My DP has DC’s. I have mine.
At no point would I expect DP’s Mum to treat my DC the same as she treats DP’s DC’s. When she comes to visit she always brings a lovely thoughtful gift for my DC (never expected and always so welcomed) and my DP’s DC’s get extra. I just accept that as it is. They are her blood. She loves her son and these little people are an extension of him. My DC’s are not and neither am I. It’s that black and white.

The difference I guess is that my DC’s have never raised it because they know that too. And she’s always lovely with them and I couldn’t ask for more.

What I’m hearing from your posts is that your DD is insecure and seeking validation via signs like this. I think that’s the part I’d work on, how do you make her feel more secure about her place in the world so that she doesn’t take things like this to heart. Because you could fix this and then where else would she feel unequal?

TooSassy · 18/04/2018 19:00

I should also add that your DP’s Mum sounds lovely and as if she is trying her best. It’s not easy for the older generation, they didn’t have to deal with step children so much when they were younger.

If my DM was still in my life, she wouldn’t have an ounce of kindness or compassion or giving regarding DP’s DC’s. If they’re not one of hers, she wouldn’t bother or try and make an effort. She’s very set in her ways and rigid (hence she and I no longer have a relationship) . So seriously, count yourself lucky.

ourkidmolly · 18/04/2018 19:11

You really need to urgently manage yours and your dd's expectations here. She's your boyfriend's mother. She's has a slim relationship with your child. It would need years to develop that into something meaningful whereby your dd should expect to receive an identical present. If at all tbh as it sounds as if her visits are rare anyway. It sounds as if you're attitude is influencing your dd's disappointment.

Original poster

malificent7 · 19/04/2018 17:03

Yes we are lucky i know...she IS lovely.

Seriously it was my dd who was getting wound up. I tried to talk to he about how it is different fir blood family but she got distressed. ( she is emotional.) Because she got wound up, so did i but we are both over it a bit now.

OP posts:

Original poster

malificent7 · 19/04/2018 17:04

She IS insecure definately...poor thing.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 19/04/2018 18:01

What about the numerous relationships that last longer than three years though?

Even if you and he last 100 years...she doesn't have to and shouldn't be obligated to treat your DD the same as her biological DGD.

You need to make that very clear to your DD. Blood is blood... encourage your DD to be grateful for what she does receive as your DPs DM does not have to buy your DD anything.

I doubt your Dad buys your DPs DD things does he. If so not if equity otherwise you would have said so.

Dancingmonkey87 · 19/04/2018 18:17

I have a 9 year old op she is old enough to accept the situation and understand that she has only known this lady 2years and there’s no biological link in the same way she has with her granddaughter

CindyLouWhoo · 19/04/2018 18:30

I'd be working with your DD on gratitude to be honest. Your DD isn't this women's grandchild. She is her son's girlfriend's daughter who he's been dating 2 years. It's absurd to think the grandmother is going to have the same strength of feeling for both children. One is her family member and one is not. This where marriage matters a lot to kids and to blended families. When I married DP my parents became step grandparents to his kids. It allowed everyone to make the commitment and transition of becoming a family. Before then you simply aren't family.

Beaverhausen · 20/04/2018 14:36

I am in the same position, I have the best in laws though so I can not complain about them.

But they do treat my daughter differently to their own GCdren. My daughter has never known her grandparents as my parents live in SA and we are here in the UK. So they are her first.

But they will never ask if she can come over for an evening, they will never offer to take her out for the day etc. They do spoil her do not get me wrong, my MIL is always buying her things etc.

But last Christmas and I really felt for my child, they got DGC lots of expensive gifts and nothing much for my DD and after all the gifts have been handed out they gave the other two and extra large bag filled with gifts. My poor child turned around and asked me where hers was, i had to distract her quickly.

I have a lovely partner but her is blind to situations like these, my nieces live down south and we are up north so grandparents do not see them often and we only live 15min from grandparents.

Unless we ask they never offer to have her over, it just breaks my heart for her because she adores them and I know she would love to spend more time with them.

SandyY2K · 20/04/2018 23:26

On the flip side of this...have you thought how the biological GC would or might feel if she got exactly the same and no more as the sort of step GC (because without marriage shes not even a step in legal terms) who has only been in the picture for a couple of years?

Even as the parent...is expect my parents to spend more on my DC than they would on a step GC. I wouldn't expect them to flaunt the gifts in front of the step children though.

It's down to the parent of the step child.. to explain as best as you can that they aren't her real GPs like they are his/her step siblings real GPs.

mygrandchildrenrock · 21/04/2018 15:59

Well it's obvious that people have very different views on this.
I have 9 living grandchildren, including 3 step via marriage and 1 step via living together.
I have never treated the step grandchildren any differently, however hard that has been, and it has been hard. I spend the same amount at Christmas, birthdays and Easter. I have them all to stay, with or without parents. I love them all, it's easy to love little children and to embrace them into the family. I may have deeper feelings for my biological grandchildren, partly because I've known them since birth, held them at hours old, but I do love my step-grandchildren too.
I made a very conscious decision to spend the same amount on each child, even if it meant less money because it had to stretch further.
This was partly influenced by my own childhood where I had a step mother who was horrible, mind you my dad wasn't very nice to my step-brother either.
In my childhood family you knew who you belonged to and who you didn't matter to.
In my current family, everyone belongs to everyone and everyone matters to everyone.
Here endeth my speech!

Original poster

malificent7 · 24/04/2018 20:00

Thanks for all the heloful replies. If you read my op you will see that i acknowledge that biological children will be closer than non bio grandchildren...it's the discretion i guess.

OP posts:

Original poster

malificent7 · 24/04/2018 20:01

My expectations are low....but dd is a child and just sees it as one child getting more gifts than her...

OP posts:

Dancingmonkey87 · 24/04/2018 20:24

She’s not 3/4 though is she op she’s 9. As I said I have a 9 year old is a similar situation and he completely gets it and understands.

RandomMess · 24/04/2018 21:21

Your DD is (understandably) jealous so you need to support her dealing with those feelings. It's ok that she feels jealous! Is she allowed to express that to you without you reacting and just letting her vent?

DuchyDuke · 26/04/2018 11:43

Does your dad treat them equally? If not then you have your answer.

As it’s hurting her, I personally would limit your dd visiting her step-gran. Why don’t you do something special with her granddad and let your stepdaughter and partner go to his mum seperately?

When or if you have kids together then I think you can make a few more ground rules with both sets of grandparents.

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